And is your spirit still
soaring over Keanu Asing’s World Championship Tour
victory? How could it not be! Next Gen Rudy! The best sporting
story on earth!
Peter King? Are you there? With your Samsung Galaxy 7 (iPhone
5)? Can you give us the love and up close?
Of course! It is what the man is paid to do (I think)!
And my favorite moment is when Gabi Medina says, “He must be
proud of hisself. I want it so bad but I’m pr… I’m happy for
him.”
Don’t be a hater! That is the sweet honey of a broken-hearted
but very good loser.
I’m a fan! Gabi for 2016 World Champ!
Gabi for President!
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Just in: Great White Breaks Into Dive
Cage!
By Derek Rielly
Y'ever wondered what'd happen if a Great White
really wanted to get inside a dive cage?
Clickbait, yeah we do. And this is as wonderful
as clickbaitery gets.
A Great White, maybe a dozen feet long, bangs into one of those
shark dive cages in Mex, the sorta thing you pay a thousand bucks
to ride in down in South Australia.
I’d always had it in the back of my mind as a fun thing to do,
maybe later in life, hand over the shekels, and get real close
to a Great White. But I always had the fear: what if a White really
had the shits and got into the damn thing?
Like here.
Shark goes crazy. Gets stuck in cage.
There’s plenty of “oh my gods!” until someone asks:
“Is there anybody in there?”
“Nobody’s in there.”
Pause.
“Somebody’s in the cage.”
What happens?
Watch!
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Long Read: The Divine Yvon Chouinard!
By Derek Rielly
Dazzling, inspiring read of Patagonia founder Yvon
Chouinard in The New Yorker.
I’ll admit. Patagonia, the brand, doesn’t do a
hell of a lot for me. The ritual use of dull browns, the lingering
smell of piety, the full silhouettes suited to the fashionably
retarded.
I live in the city where the climate is temperate. I don’t
climb, don’t fish, use a little of the ocean close to shore and
what little nature I get is from the television. Fornication,
perhaps, is the closest I get to God.
And, yet, I’ve always found Yvon Chouinard, the climber and
surfer who founded Patagonia, deeply interesting. One of those men
whom you would’ve loved as a childhood mentor. Teach me to make
tools, teach me to scale mountains, teach me to live in the
wild.
Recently, writer Nick Paumgartenprofiled Yvon for The
New Yorker. If you didn’t know, or appreciate, Yvon before, read
this and you’ll fall under his spell.
Here’s a taste.
He was first (and perhaps in his own mind
remains foremost) a climber, a renowned pioneer of rock and ice
routes around the world, and one of the luminaries of the great
generation of American postwar outdoor adventurers. Then a
blacksmith: he designed, and made by hand, a host of ingenious new
climbing tools, and for a time was the leading manufacturer of
climbing equipment in North America. Next, itinerant thrill-seeker:
the relatively meagre proceeds from equipment sales allowed him to
continue to pursue an intrepid life of risky recreation in the
outdoors. (On a van trip from California to the tip of South
America, in 1968, ostensibly to climb Mt. Fitz Roy, he and his
mates carried a homemade flag that read “Viva Los Fun Hogs.”
Chouinard told me, “People we met, hitchhikers we picked up, they
asked us, ‘What does this mean, “Fun Hogs”?’ We said, ‘Puercos
deportivos.’ Heh-heh. Sporting porks.”) Finally, eco-warrior: his
travels and travails in supposedly wild places awakened him to
their ongoing devastation, and he made it his mission, as a man
selling consumer goods that he acknowledged people don’t need, to
try to counteract humanity’s regrettable propensity to soil its own
nest. In each of these guises, at least, he was authentically
countercultural and anti-corporate, a credible advocate for a kind
of lawless self-reliance and uncompromising common sense.
His childhood dream was to be a fur trapper,
like his French-Canadian forebears. He was reared in Lisbon, Maine,
the home town of his mother, Yvonne. School was all in French. His
father, a third-grade dropout, was a journeyman laborer who at
night repaired the looms at a wool mill there—a dur à
cuire whom Chouinard remembers sitting at the kitchen table
with a bottle of whiskey, using a pair of pliers to pull his own
teeth, because he objected to the expense of dentures. “I was
brought up surrounded by women,” Chouinard writes. “I have ever
since preferred that accommodation.”
In January, 1946, Yvon’s older brother Gerald,
stationed in San Diego, in the Navy, sent his family a box of
oranges. Fresh fruit in winter: “That’s it,” Yvonne said. Citing
her husband’s asthma, she insisted that the family move, that
spring, to California: Burbank. Yvon, a shrimp with a girl’s name
and no English, fled public school after a week and wound up at
parochial school under the tutelage of nuns. He was, as he recalls,
a loner and a geek, a D student who spent all his free time biking
to city parks and private golf-course ponds to bait-fish and to
hunt for frogs, crawdads, and rabbits. Before long, he was diving
for lobster and abalone off the Malibu coast.
And this, about the company’s ethos. Not exactly
anti-profit, but close.
Eventually, they went so far as to openly
discourage their customers from buying their products, as in the
notorious 2011 advertising campaign that read “Don’t Buy This
Jacket.” It went on, “The environmental cost of everything we make
is astonishing.” Manufacturing and shipping just one of the jackets
in question required a hundred and thirty-five litres of water and
generated nearly twenty pounds of carbon dioxide. “Don’t buy what
you don’t need.” (Some people at Patagonia had been considering
declaring Black Friday a “no-buy day,” to make their point about
consumption.)
Guilt and high principle mutate into
marketing: this was the Patagonia feedback loop, on high screech.
To some, the slogan sounded an awful lot like “Buy this jacket, not
that other one, from the North Face.” One plausible response was
“Don’t worry, I won’t. I can’t afford it.” Chouinard may walk the
walk, as far as not buying things—his own Patagonia gear tends to
date back to the last century—but his customers are often the kinds
of people who can afford as many jackets as they want. The credo
“One Percent for the Planet” can misread. There are class
implications, problems of privilege and access, the lingering taint
of monikers like Fratagonia and Patagucci.
One catalogue, in the nineties, had a little
chart of what Patagonia was versus what it was not: Fly fishing,
not bass fishing. Long-haul trucking, not delivery-men. Surfing,
not waterskiing. Upland bird hunting, not deer hunting. Gardeners,
not survivalists. Patagonia’s people were the West’s recolonizers,
the next wave of pioneers, the self-appointed protectors asserting
a blue-state ethos in red-state territory—tree huggers pitching
their tents in a logging camp. By now, this war for the West is a
tired one, but it is in some ways a microcosm of the greater global
battle between those who want to preserve lands and conserve
resources and those who would prefer to exploit them.
The Patagonia catalogue can induce awe and
envy. Authentic as its photographic subjects are—“We were the first
to use real people, and captions saying who and where they were,”
Chouinard said—it is a classic kind of aspirational branding. The
life style, to a large swath, is unaffordable, if not in pure
monetary terms (outdoor adventure is not in itself expensive,
necessarily, although the clothing for sale certainly is), then at
least in terms of time, talent, energy, and gumption. It isn’t
really a lack of funds that prevents most of us from spending half
the year sleeping in vans and dodging the park rangers to free-solo
the big walls at Yosemite.
In its presentation of hale young adventure
athletes, living righteously in Edenic locales, all of them with
just the right amount of dishevelment and duct tape, the catalogue
can emanate the passive-aggressive piety of a food-co-op scolding.
It unwittingly celebrates a kind of countercultural conformity.
This neo-Rockwellian idyll of desert-dawn yoga sessions, usefully
toned arms and abs, spectacularly perilous bivouacs and bouldering
slabs, hardy kids and sporty hounds can feel like a rebuke if you
are on a sofa in the city.
And here, below, watch the wonderful full-length movie 180
South, as climber Jeff Johnson recreates Yvon and Doug Tompkins
wild 1968 trip to Patagonia.
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Tearjerker: Andy Irons Documentary!
By Derek Rielly
The film you've been waiting for...
I don’t need to remind anyone of Andy Irons’ molecular
intensity. How ravenously he attacked life. There was
no spectacle on earth like AI and Kelly’s gutter brawls.
Andy walked an edge.
But what drove Andy, what made Andy so compelling and so
polemic, mostly loved, sometimes hated, eventually killed him.
Filmic? Yeah, it is.
And, coming early next year, a successful Kickstarter campaign
willing I suppose, is the documentary Andy: The Untold Story of
Andy Irons.
From the release:
This is the life story of three-time world champion surfer
Andy Irons who died at age 32 from a heart attack with the
secondary cause being an acute mixture of drugs. Andy and his
brother, Bruce, came from humble beginnings on the small Hawaiian
island of Kauai.
The film chronicles Andy’s struggles with dyslexia, bipolar
disease, self-medication, addiction, fame, success, and failure.
Andy was a blue collar people’s champ who dealt with the same
issues millions of people around the world struggle with every day.
He died on November 2, 2010. His wife was eight months pregnant
with their son, Axel, at the time.
The Andy Irons Story is a documentary film that focuses on
the true, untold story of one of the world’s most prolific surfers.
The intent of the film is to show the unfiltered life of Andy
Irons, one that was filled with energy, passion, success, and
challenges. Challenges that pushed Andy to the brink and were both
the best parts of Andy and the hardest to handle. The filmmakers,
Steve and Todd Jones, wanted to create a film that captured the
true essence of Andy Irons – his family, his friends, and those who
later realized a friendship that at times was hard to
understand.
The film features in-depth interviews with Andy’s brother
Bruce Irons, his wife Lyndie Irons, Joel Parkinson, Nathan
Fletcher, Sunny Garcia, and Kelly Slater. Andy’s friends, family,
and competitors share their stories of intimacy and fire with Andy
Irons throughout the film. The unabashedly honest testimonials
compel the story and reveal the very real side of Andy. This is not
a film about surfing; this is a film about a person that lived life
to its fullest at the top of his industry, but did so facing
insurmountable internal challenges. This story is about everything
that made Andy Irons the man he was. The filmmakers invite you to
be a part of this project and see it through to its fullest extent.
The teaser presented here showcases the film’s intent. We’ve shot
hundreds of hours of interviews and principal cinematography is
wrapped. With your support we can make this film better. The
additional support will go towards the finishing touches, including
sound design, archival footage remastering, color enhancement, and
the soundtrack.
And, god it’s a tearjerker. Still, if you get a little weepy,
remind yourself of AI’s words from his last-ever interview.
Andy…lived.
“Everything’s a learning curve. There’s a couple of things
(laughs) I’d like to take back, but fuck, I wouldn’t be who I am or
where I am today. You gotta go in the mud sometimes to figure out
who you are. I’ve had my fair share of hills and valleys, but
life’s been radical and exciting. Stuff that kings would die to do.
Straight-up, fuckin A. The lifestyle we’ve got and the lifestyle
I’ve led since I was 17, I couldn’t even tell my friends. I try and
tell stories and they think I’m making it up or I saw it in a
fucken movie. Straight up. It’s the life I wanted since I caught my
first wave.”
The Keanu Asing story! An underdog adventure that
will leave you breathless! In theaters soon!
And is you heart still fluttering
over Keanu Asing’s World Championship Tour victory? How could
it not be! I think one of the greatest sporting stories of all
time. The little Hawaiian, plugging away, slashing here, bashing
there, down a champ, down a champ, everywhere a down champ!
Oh I love great sport’s sporting stories, especially the
underdog sort, and I love when Hollywood makes them into
emotionally powerful films.
Hoosiers, Rudy, A League of Their Own, Remember the Titans, Slap
Shot, The Bad News Bears, White Men Can’t Jump, Major League,
Million Dollar Baby…
I could go on all day and I CANNOT WAIT until Death in
the Afternoon: The Keanu Asing Quiksilver Pro France 2016
Story comes out.
Did you know the leading roles have already been cast?
Our hero Keanu Asing will be played by the one,
the only Hervé Villechaize obvs.
John John Florence by the emotionally diverse,
facially compacted, Evan Jones (seen here in Jarhead).
Gabriel “Gabi” Medina by the very theatrical
Billy Zane (in wig of course). Just think of the claims this
thespian will be able conjure! Just imagine how life-like the hot
tears rolling down his cheeks will seem!
Kelly Slater will play himself.
Keanu’s corner man, Fox marketing manager and world’s best
person Frankie D’Andrea will be played by Khal
Drogo.
Joe Turpel will be played by a bar of natural,
artisanal handmade soap.
And Martin Potter by the world famous Grumpy
Cat.
How long will you wait outside the theater to get your
tickets?
And, FYI, there is already early Oscar buzz for the natural,
artisanal handmade soap. A few critics who have seen some dailies
claim that the essence of Mr. Turpel is captured effortlessly.