Like a horror serial!
Oh the damned surf industry apocalypse! Is there no power fierce enough to stand up to its ugliness? No hero bulletproof enough to send its projectiles to back from whence they came? Forcing the evil horsemen to train their yellow eyes upon another pursuit like parkour?
Of course you’ve followed along as Volcom gutted their team.
Volcom! Balding and driving an older model Lincoln Towncar!
The ripples flowed into each and every brand. Who’s next? Who the hell is next?
And the question was answered days ago.
Fox!
The motorcycle brand was always a slightly ill fit in surfing but, let’s be honest, so welcomed! They built one of the greatest teams ever stocked with hard-working yet still stylish surfers. Salts of the earth. Surfers that the kids could actually look up to.
Surfers like Keanu Asing.
Oh the smallest frangipani absolutely blinded with pluck! Who could ever forget how he became champion of all of France just weeks ago? How he pulled focus from John John Florence and Gabi Medina and let the world imagine that all things are truly possible!
And all things are truly possible. Keanu Asing will most definitely land on his little hoofs somewhere. He’s a champ! But today Fox, bent by the surf industry apocalypse, disemboweled him anyhow.
Heartless! Absolutely heartless! Is anyone safe?
(Hint: NO! Not even surfing’s other Hobgood!)
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blush. are you asking me out?
i always try and get into what the local hotshot is wearing. hehe
Keanu may have been dropped because his drag queen eyebrow wax job don’t quite fit the fox bogan (redneck) image.
He can always go back to his day job on Fantasy Island.
This is Spinal Tap.
Because Eleven disappeared in the end and Kelly refuses to ever disappear
Sweet satan, this is such a perfect idea. LEVELS.
What was the benefit of canning this story the rebirthing it twice?
It’s Halloween, we needed a slasher story and Chas Smith channelled his inner Stephen King and provided it!
Let’s face it, there are about 3-5 surfers who can actually generate sales based on the strength of their endorsement. Two of which aren’t on tour. Bummed for the guys getting cut but they can thank the top 5 or so for sucking all the air out of the room with the multi mil salaries.
A couple observations:
1) The huge pro salaries today are simply unsustainable, especially given the retail implosion of surf crap.
2) Because of that, there is little money left to actually promote the team you have. I won’t embarrass anyone here but there are 20-25 tour level surfers who get zero marketing exposure from the brand that’s paying them. How does that make sense?
3) With both of those things in mind, the CT should be 16 guys at most. 14 seeds with one sponsor wildcard and 1 QS guy in each event. We really only want the top 6-8 but we can start with baby steps. Do we really need week long events?
The World Surf League exists because a billionaire called Dirk Ziff bought it as a gift for his gorgeous wife. Dirk then hired Paul Speaker, who has never surfed, to run it. Paul then hired a crack team of commentators including Strider Wasilewski, Joe Turpel ……..
Truth really can be stranger then fiction
Preston hit the nail on the head. I like the idea of a smaller CT too, like the ladies events.
I’m eagerly awaiting some sort of apocalypse where it all comes crashing down. The tour is abandoned after a round 3 low scoring affair at Trestles. Rabid fans tear down scaffolding and rip apart the Hurley stand in a desperate attempt to salvage the material to construct huts out of Phantom technology boardshorts. Jadson Andre smashes his board into bits to use as a makeshift weapon to bludgeon Adriano to death over a paddle battle 18 years ago.
Surfers blend into society desperately trying to make up for no education, no skills and limited intelligence. Mick decides to go into business with Joel to re-use his flip flops as roofing tiles. Their plan fails. They move to Alice Springs together and never speak of it again.
Kelly decides he doesn’t need a surname and re-brands himself as a blend between Kanye and Prince. His first fashion collection fails in Paris dramatically. Hedi Slimane spits on him in a publicity stunt. He retires to Barbados to work in Oistins Fish Fry as a kitchen porter. Kerring Group want their money back. He changes his name to Braidynn and wears a dreadlocks wig day and night.
Braidynn Slater.
it has a ring to it
WSL Apocalypse! The Living Dead eat non-sponsored human flesh!
Maybe gotta trod that path to get to real Dream Tour, word
For nearly fifteen years, Rockstar Energy Wetsuits have been recognized globally for superior surfing wetsuit technology, offering premium durability, comfort and innovation. Welcome to the team Keanu!
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Always thought it was strange that I could buy shock absorbers for my truck that were made by a company that also sponsored Keanu Asing.
if Fox had a chance at boardshort sales they should have looked at wakeboarding, guys need something to tow with those 4x4s
Say it ain’t so, not the (little) people’s champ. If he wasn’t on a first-name basis with Jesus I would be a bit worried for him. Mysterious ways and all that.
Its almost like your not even trying. It seems so effortless. Your my hero Chas-you and the other Hobgoo…
“Surfers that the kids could actually look up to. Surfers like Keanu Asing.” We must be talking about before preadolescence.
Nice cat nip.
LOL, yes. “admire” perhaps, looking “up” is impossible at his height.
Maybe it is just everytime you see Bede or The Praying Midget wearing those ugly board shorts on a WSL telecast you never think about buying a pair. But then, that must not apply to the ugly Hurley board shorts. If JJF & Felipe can sell so much Hurley junk, maybe charisma is important.
FYI, it is highly unlikely that JJF and Felipe sell their weight in Hurley merchandise, nor provide that much money in marketing exposure in relation to their salaries. But good on them for getting what they got.
The common thread here is that maybe surfing is not that popular and does not make much coin!!!
Perhaps all these companies have realised as WSL states there is not 1.5 Billion unique views and millions watching every event, hence no one is buying any of their shit!!!!
you mean a stream with 1.5 billion eyeballs should have more than 923 views on youtube a month later?