Edward Ryon Makuahanai Aikau, the lifeguard and surfer,
who was famously lost at sea in 1978.
Rumor: Quiksilver to pull out of The
Eddie?
By Derek Rielly
Is the newly solvent clothing giant on the verge of
pulling out of the famous big-wave event?
Do you remember the rumor, just two months ago,
that Red Bull was flying back and forth to Oahu to court the famous
Aikau family? That it was pushing to win the broadcast rights for
the event from the WSL?
Red Bull didn’t want naming rights, necessarily, although
cans of the company’s popular stimulant soda would, naturally, be
suddenly apparent in broadcasts, but wanted to turn The
Eddie into “a proper show.” Like this year’s Cape Fear
event.
As to that rumour, it appears that after meeting the Aikau
family Red Bull decided to quit chasing the broadcast
rights.
Now, the coconut wireless is “humming” according to a very good
source with the rumor that Quiksilver could not reach an
agreement with the Aikau family to hold the annual namesake event.
A big merchandise deadline was supposedly missed (t-shirt
production from China) as well as subsequent extensions.
Has Quiksilver, perhaps wisely, decided that the chances of The
Eddie ever being as good as 2016 are so slim any subsequent money
poured into it would be wasted?
Would you, if gifted the keys to the clothing giant that was
once famously six hundred million dollars in debt, continue to run
with The Eddie?
Or would you pour the surplus money into your number one team
rider Matt Banting?
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Jordy Smith: “I’m a Fancy Ballerina!”
By Rory Parker
A ten, a world title wrestle and a menopausal
lesbian commentator at the Rip Curl Pro Portugal!
Back to Supertubos! Day five of competition.
Starting with the remains of round five.
Shit…never mind. I went to sleep at two am, after roughing out a
good portion of today’s write-up. Had a great joke all ready to go
for the intro. It was suuuuuuuper funny. You’d’ve loved it.
Then Chas had to go and steal the gag off my facebook page.
Lame.
Chas doesn’t even look like Ellen. He looks like that blonde
vulture from The Jungle Book.
Chas? That you?
Instead of bursting your sides with my hard-won hilarity, let’s
get down to brass tacks.
Very surprised to see they’d be running. It did not look good.
Logie’s decision to go heat by heat was ballsy. Definitely some
“diamonds in the rough” out there, but no one wants to watch hours
of closeouts.
But being able to find crazy barrels in shifting hell lineups is
a learned skill. Which makes the decision not-stupid. I won’t go so
far as to call it the right thing to do, but it’s an educated
gamble. Worse comes to worst there’d be some highlight reel wipe
outs, the occasional stellar awesomeness.
The first heat, Bourez and Wilson, proved Logie right. Michel
opened with a solid backhand tube, but from that point on it was
The Julian Wilson Show.
Wilson’s first wave was fucking sick. High line backdoor,
million miles an hour. Thought for sure he’d been knocked off his
feet by the crazy chandelier, but he threaded the needle and came
flying out the end for an 8.5.
He paddled back out, immediately butt dragged his way through a
good left. 5.83. Then found another fun tube, but not as good as
the first two.
A break in action, Bourez still only had one wave. Then Julian
found another unbelievable barrel.
Big and open double tube with a hideous clamping clamshell on
the end. I don’t know how the curly headed cutie managed to
bulldoze his way through the final section, but he did. And it was
amazing.
I thought it was better than his first wave, so did Ross
Williams. But the judges disagreed. Still a solid score, 7.83. More
than enough to make put Bourez in a 16.34 combo. Wilson had the
heat won with eighteen minutes left.
Heading into Flores v Coffin, it looked like shit. Terrible
heat. Neither guy could find anything, Conner ended up winning
based on the merits of a 2.83 and a 4.43. Too bad for Flores.
One highlight, though. Flores’s 2.67 keeper was really cool.
Hard off the bottom, hit the brakes as hard as he could with a
slashing snap-stall. Ended up on the foam ball, praying the lip
would throw out in front of him. It didn’t, so he didn’t get a good
score. But it was a great display of his high tier tube riding
ability.
If I were Logie I’d have called it off then and there. Too much
of a chance the rest of the day would drag. Then he’d have to hear
from all the internet armchair quarterbacks complaining on their
tabloid rag surf websites.
But he decided to roll the dice again.
StuKen/Seabass was a slight improvement over the prior heat.
Kennedy’s first wave was the best of the match up. Solid forehand
barrel, great cutback, snap. Hopped across the flat section, then
bonked a reo to seal the deal. Judges gave him a 5.83. I thought
they’d go higher, just abased on the fact that there aren’t many,
if any, opportunities to mix it up like that.
Stu backed it up with an open right, did two okay turns. Only a
2.6.
Seabass won it on the merits of two frontside tubes. Both were
good, deeper than Stu’s first. No turns, but the judges just want
barrels.
If I were judging Stu would have won. But rewatching I realize
they’re right. Seabass deserved the nod.
Flores is out, but Andino is still on fire. The kid from San
Clemente stomped ADS to death.
Late drop deep backside barrel for a 7.83, then an even deeper
and longer one roughly fifteen minutes later. Got a 9.67 for the
follow-up.
With three minutes left Adriano had one wave under his belt, a
worthless french fry 1.0. He caught a good frontside tube, whacked
it twice after coming out. But turns aren’t counting for much and
his next wave, last chance, was a quick in and out followed by a
fall on the reo. Buzzer sounded with ADS in combo.
John John/Julian was fire.
Double Jay started off with a frontside throater. Not super
deep, but big and open and grinding. 5.67.
In these conditions it’d be easy to call each guy’s win pure
luck, but Double John always manages to show how much skill is
involved. Proper positioning, the intuitive ability to know when to
go, even when it looks like sure failure. Takes a lifetime to
develop. John’s been chasing ugly bombs since birth. He ain’t just
guessing.
Julian’s first wave was better than John’s five six seven. Late
drop, barely squeaked under the lip. But he couldn’t quite slow
down enough. Only a 6.67.
Damn hard to beat Florence in a barrel-off. Next wave he came
from so deep, going so fast. Spat out right before it shut down.
Nine point three, heat winner for sure.
Julian followed with a long and deep double bubble, nothing
floater at the end. But it was only half the size of John John’s
monster. 6.9, not enough to take the lead.
Florence was right behind him with a bigger and better. Double
hand drag, multiple sections, a weird perpendicular
sliding-on-his-fins end section hit that I don’t know if he really
made. 7.5 reward.
Heat was over at nineteen minutes left. Only one more wave
caught, a 1.0 for Kolohe. Charged his way into a bomb, pull the
eject when it lined up.
John John continues his way to a title.
Pupo and Coffin up next. It wasn’t great.
Pupo finished up with a 5.94 total. Coffin got the only two good
waves of the heat. 5.83 for a good tube to frontside layback hack.
Then 6.83 on the next for another more gooder tuber.
Final heat of the day, Jordy and Seabass, might’ve been the
best. Toss up between it and JJF/JW.
Seabass’s first was steep and deep. Came flying out, heaved a
double grab boost over a heavy section. Landed on the roof, rode
out the rebound. 9.23. Backed it up with a smaller frontside cover,
4.23. Left Jordy combo’ed ten minutes in.
Should’ve been enough, based on the way conditions have playing
out. But Jordy spoiled it, delivered a soul crushing
come-from-behind.
Good judging this heat. I thought Seabass’s first wave was
underscored. Maybe because I’m old enough to remember when a barrel
to air combo was mind blowing. Kelly’s back in ’94 had me
screaming, but it weren’t shit by comparison.
Anyway, I was wrong. Jordy’s ten was miles beyond. The men
behind the scenes did good. Didn’t get over-excited and drop a
too-high score early on. Left room for the boys to improve. Jordy
came through.
I did not care for the claim. What are we gonna call that one?
“I’m a fancy ballerina.”
Ten minutes left and Seabass needed a low eight. Not impossible,
but it wasn’t meant to be. Jordy’s ten was the final wave of the
day.
Finals day should be exciting. Kolohe and Florence, Coffin and
Smith. The first one may be amazing. Then the rookie gets a chance
to play spoiler.
I’m two minds about what I want to happen. It’d be rad to see
John John win a title, but things are always so much more exciting
when it comes down to Pipe.
Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 5 Results:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 9.90 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
7.57
Heat 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) 16.33 def. Michel Bourez (PYF) 6.06
Heat 3: Conner Coffin (USA) 7.26 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 6.17
Heat 4: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 8.80 def. Stuart Kennedy (AUS)
8.43
Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Quarterfinal
Results:
QF 1: Kolohe Andino (USA) 17.34 def. Adriano de Souza (BRA)
8.10
QF 2: John John Florence (HAW) 16.90 def. Julian Wilson (AUS)
13.57
QF 3: Conner Coffin (USA) 12.66 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 5.94
QF 4: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 17.40 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 13.56
Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Semifinal
Match-Ups:
SF 1: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. John John Florence (HAW)
SF 2: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Jordy Smith (ZAF)
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Jealous: Strider steals my girl’s
look!
By Chas Smith
The WSL's Strider Wasilewski had everything.
Apparently everything wasn't enough.
Son of a bitch Strider Wasilewski. Son of a
goddamn bitch. You’ve got everything. Attack dog tits that make even
the most pumped up jail yard convict green with envy.
Traveling the world with the five best friends that
anyone could ever have (Joe, Ron-Dog, Pottz, Ross and Pete). Your
home is an architectural masterpiece
nestled in Malibu’s Point Dume. Your company, Shade
sunscreen, is seeing triple digit growth.
But apparently “everything” wasn’t enough.
Son of a motherfucking bitch.
You had to go off and steal my girl’s look.
I’ve been modeling myself off Ellen DeGeneres’s style for the
better part of my adult life. The blonde hair mussed just so. That
natty, WASPy style. Quick mouth. Funky dancing. Shining
personality. She was my guiding light. My north star.
But in one quick swoop you knocked me off my perch. I am no
longer surfing’s Ellen DeGeneres. That honor belongs to you.
I hope you can sleep tonight.
But if you can’t would you mind me asking a quick question?
Can I maybe be your Portia de Rossi?
Just think of the figure we’d cut on red carpets around the
world. Oh sure your five best friends that anyone could ever have
would burn with jealousy but they probably already do (your tits
are truly phenomenal). We’d be the toast of Malibu!
Just think about it?
Strider Wasilewski (left) and Chas Smith (right)
at some very exclusive charity event.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Fascist: WSL to regulate surfboards!
By Chas Smith
A secret and nefarious plot to save the
environment!
Don’t you love your freedom? The feeling that
you can do whatever it is that you want to do each and every
morning? Like, maybe you’ll go get a donut and some coffee. Or
maybe you’ll drive down to the beach and check the surf. Maybe the
waves are small but the sky is warm and you’ll go for a swim. Or
maybe you’ll pull your trusty 5’9 Matt Biolos Short Round out and
go for a surf.
Maybe you’re a pro and proud member of the World Surf League and
maybe you’re in Portugal and are ready to go for your very first
major win and you pull out your Matt Biolos Sub Driver and…
STOP RIGHT THERE KOLOHE ANDINO! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR
VIOLATING ARTICLE 4 OF THE SANTA MONICA SURFBOARD PURITY LAWS!
Whoa!
Does this far-fetched ridiculousness seem straight out of the
terrifying fiction The Man in the High Castle which
depicts a world where Nazi Germany won World War II?
Well guess what? It also depicts this world where World Surf
League CEO Paul Speaker rules like a pugnacious dictator!
It’s true! Our own (he’s not really our own but a gal can dream)
Nick Carroll has just reported on a top-ish secret meeting where
the WSL and various shapers kicked around banning toxic surfboards
from competition! Let’s read a little!
Early in September, around the time of the Hurley Trestles
Pro in San Clemente, California, the WSL management convened a very
hush-hush meeting.
Invited was a range of surfboard makers, surfboard materials
manufacturers, and green-thinking consultants. The meeting was
designed to sound out a notion of quietly radical proportions — so
radical nobody’s ever dared bust it out before.
Pro surfing’s owner and governing body may soon begin to
regulate the equipment ridden by its elite competitors. In other
words: tell ‘em what sort of boards they can ride.
This notion is being driven by a seemingly laudable goal:
sustainability. It’s been widely known for decades that the classic
PU/PE board is an environmental peril of sorts. Blanks and resins
involve toxic chemicals, including known human carcinogens.
Exposure to these chemicals and others has taken a small but steady
toll on surfboard workers worldwide over the generations.
On top of that, the things are effectively inert, taking
centuries to break down in surface landfill. And speaking of
breaking — they break. Especially if you’re a pro. The CT’s
surfboard disposal count is off the charts.
Not exactly sustainable.
On and on Nick goes, as he is wont to do, cracking the most
important/radically fascist plot in surfing’s storied history! You
must read in its entirety here…
But let’s do what we do best and quickly opine without full
comprehension! Do you think the World Surf League should become a
nanny or do you think the surfers should decide for themselves how
best to protect/destroy the environment?
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Fiesty: New Byron Bay Shark Attack!
By Derek Rielly
Fresh attack as protesters rail against shark
nets…
Do you remember, and you should because it wasn’t that
long ago, when shark attacks were big news? Even a little
snap on the leg’d run on the front page of the daily newspapers,
the victim a sudden celebrity. A guy where I live in Sydney had a
white eat his hand and he wrote a book about it.
Now? Now?
If you live on that little stretch of coast from Ballina to
Byron Bay, once known as the birthplace of soul surfing in
Australia but now better known as the great white capital of the
world, a reporter would hardly get his pen and notebook out unless
it’s a fatality, or an amputation.
And, so, when a surfer got hit at Suffolk Park, on the southside
of Cape Byron, a few hours ago, but was only bitten on the thigh…
who cares?
Of course, there’s the issue of shark nets, an obvious solution
to the absurd spike in attacks. In which case, the latest hit
deserves note. Let’s examine.
Veteran surfers in northern NSW are “really shaken up” after
another shark attack in their region this morning.
A surfer sitting with a group of about 15 others 200m from
shore at Broken Head, south of Byron Bay, was bitten on the
thigh.
He suffered puncture wounds and was able to get to shore and
take himself to hospital.
The shark wrapped its mouth around his leg and the tail of
his surfboard. As has been the case with several other recent
attacks, it appears the fin of the man’s surfboard has discouraged
the shark from biting harder, and swimming away.
“When he got hit, he started screaming to the others,
‘Shark!’,” said Byron Bay Boardriders president Neil Cameron, who
had come in from a surf and was in the car park when the attack
occurred.
He said the group of surfers who came in with the attack
victim were “really shaken up”. He added that all the surfers in
the region were tired of waiting for the government to
act.
Belinda Holland, a witness, said she saw his board go
“flying” in the attack.
“I’m pretty sure his board went flying into the air and he
got … a chunk out of his leg and side. There was a lot of blood,”
she told the Today show.
Robert Fenech, who was surfing at Broken Head this morning
as well, said he was about 100m from where the man was attacked
about 7.30am.
Broken Head,
just south of Byron Bay, where the shark attack
occurred.
“There hadn’t been any waves for two weeks,” he said. “The
internet says there’s surf, so we all went out there. It was
packed. I go out there all the time.
“Everyone’s pretty vulnerable. It’s pretty close to home.
There are so many girls and young guys,” he said. “We knew there
were sharks there, but it’s the first time someone’s been snapped
for a while.”
Mr Cameron told The Australian this morning that
the local authorities now had two options. “One, they install nets
and drumlines, like we’ve been saying they should; or, two, the
council puts up signs saying ‘Do not enter the water’. That’s what
it’s come down to. This is about protecting people who want to use
the water at a major tourist destination.”
He said today’s attack was the “final nail in the
coffin”.
He said that in the past, whenever there was an attack in
the region, everybody knew there would not be another one for six
or seven years. “But now, the next one could be this
afternoon.”
He attributed the problem to local green politicians. “There
is an extremely big and strong green factor in Byron Bay. There’s
been a strong push by the average punter and the media to stop nets
being put in.
“They have so-called experts, but they keep coming up with
irrelevant facts. These experts don’t know as much as surfers and
fishermen.
Ironically, if irony works any more, “hundreds” attended a
protest against the installation of shark nets in Ballina
yesterday.
“People want to see something that’s sustainable, that will
keep ocean users safer, that’s not going to decimate our wildlife,”
said Ballina Greens MP Tamara Smith.
