creepy car
A lot of what was once considered good-natured fun is now considered criminal activity. Want to hide in the bushes and terrorize passing toddlers? Think again. You can still wring some joy from the holiday. The look of disappointment in a child's eyes as you hand it a single piece of the cheapest off-brand candy Walmart sells is a glorious sight to behold. But if you're looking to strike fear into the hearts of strangers you've gotta get creative. Spooky music and faux spider webs just won't cut it at 3PM. You can still wring some joy from the holiday. The look of disappointment in a child's eyes as you hand it a single piece of the cheapest off-brand candy Walmart sells is a glorious sight to behold. But if you're looking to strike fear into the hearts of strangers you've gotta get creative. Spooky music and faux spider webs just won't cut it at 3PM.

Parker: “How to Wring Joy From Halloween!”

The look of disappointment in a child's eyes is a sight to behold!

Happy Halloween! I guess, if you celebrate it.

Derek doesn’t, ‘cuz he’s Australian. (I think.)

Chas doesn’t. ‘Cuz he loves Christ and refuses to participate in anything that involves ghouls or ghosts or witches. It’s all black magic! (I assume.)

I don’t because the combination of alcohol and masked anonymity effectively turns off my self-restraint. Which is why I got the shit beat out of me the last time I observed the holiday. Swore off costumes and booze when I woke absolutely battered, pieced together the previous night, learned I totally deserved the thorough beating.

It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy, committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.

Besides, Halloween sucks now. Gone are the days when unattended children roamed the darkness in unsupervised cabals.

It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy, committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.

Now it’s nothing but well chaperoned daylight toddler walks. Safety minded parental approval. Fucking pathetic.

Do you know how hard it is to steal a bag of candy from a child when their parents are present? All adults look more or less the same to children. But dear Mom and Dad are fully capable of picking your ass out of a lineup.

My generation has turned into a bunch of sissy-pants helicopter parents, and they ain’t letting their spoiled crotch fruit out of sight. You’ve gotta be a real weirdo to take joy in costumed children. Halloween should be about experiencing dimly lit fear and danger while the grown-ups stay home and get wasted.

A lot of what was once considered good-natured fun is now considered criminal activity. Want to hide in the bushes and terrorize passing toddlers? Think again.

You can still wring some joy from the holiday. The look of disappointment in a child’s eyes as you hand it a single piece of the cheapest off-brand candy Walmart sells is a glorious sight to behold. But if you’re looking to strike fear into the hearts of strangers you’ve gotta get creative. Spooky music and faux spider webs just won’t cut it at 3PM.

Since kids are off-limits, you’re left to target the chaperons. Which is fairly easy with a little creativity. You don’t even need to bother decorating or donning a disguise.

“Oh my goodness! What a lovely costume! Aren’t you all adorable! I love Halloween. The terms of my probation state I can’t approach within 200 yards of a minor. But tonight they come to me!”


Heartless II: Fox axes Keanu “Rudy” Asing!

Like a horror serial!

Oh the damned surf industry apocalypse! Is there no power fierce enough to stand up to its ugliness? No hero bulletproof enough to send its projectiles to back from whence they came? Forcing the evil horsemen to train their yellow eyes upon another pursuit like parkour?

Of course you’ve followed along as Volcom gutted their team.

Volcom! Balding and driving an older model Lincoln Towncar!

The ripples flowed into each and every brand. Who’s next? Who the hell is next?

And the question was answered days ago.

Fox!

The motorcycle brand was always a slightly ill fit in surfing but, let’s be honest, so welcomed! They built one of the greatest teams ever stocked with hard-working yet still stylish surfers. Salts of the earth. Surfers that the kids could actually look up to.

Surfers like Keanu Asing.

Oh the smallest frangipani absolutely blinded with pluck! Who could ever forget how he became champion of all of France just weeks ago? How he pulled focus from John John Florence and Gabi Medina and let the world imagine that all things are truly possible!

And all things are truly possible. Keanu Asing will most definitely land on his little hoofs somewhere. He’s a champ! But today Fox, bent by the surf industry apocalypse, disemboweled him anyhow.

Heartless! Absolutely heartless! Is anyone safe?

(Hint: NO! Not even surfing’s other Hobgood!)


Heartless: Fox cans wheelchair hero!

The inspirational Bede Durbidge mercilessly cut!

Oh the damned surf industry apocalypse! Is there no force great enough to stand up to its mercilessness? No star bright enough to zap it with light and force its evil henchmen to retreat? To train their green eyes upon another pursuit like mountain biking?

Of course you’ve followed along as Volcom gutted their team. The talented and funny Parker Coffin whom Kai “Borg” Garcia once told me was the ideal, the model, allegedly cut down in his prime. Quincy Davis disappeared. Alex Grey lopped it two.

Volcom! You Establishment bastards!

The ripples flowed into each and every brand. Who’s next? Who the hell is next?

And the question was answered days ago.

Fox!

The motorcycle brand was always a strange fit in surfing but, let’s be honest, so welcomed! They built one of the greatest teams ever stocked with hard-working yet still stylish surfers. Salts of the earth. Surfers that the kids could actually look up to.

Surfers like Bede Durbidge.

Oh the White Fijian absolutely sparkled with gritty blue collar charm. Who could ever forget how he was bounced off Pipeline’s reef last winter. How his pelvis was shattered. How he was forced into months of grueling rehabilitation.

But he was a man and men don’t give up and Bede didn’t give up. He did his job from the confines of a wheelchair! But Fox, bent by the surf industry apocalypse, lopped off his head anyhow.

Heartless! Absolutely heartless! Is anyone safe?

(Hint: NO! Not even surfing’s Rudy!)


Hayden Cox New Wave Vision
"Be bold," writes Hayden Cox. "Don't expect opportunity to knock on your door. Some problems can turn into the greatest opportunities…"

Read: The Hayden Cox Memoir!

Examine the rise, fall and rise of Hypto Krypto inventor Hayden Cox… 

Books can change lives? Yeah, you know they can.

All of us have a book that hit us at the right time, when our heads were in the right space, and it irrevocably changed our position in the world. I was a miserable sonofbitch as a kid and worse as a teenger: morose, friendless, one misstep away from blowing high-court judges in Kings Cross alleyways.

Before it got that defiantly sexual, I found the 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People in a library and, overnight, my life got a whole lot better. The chapter Six Ways To Make People Like You might state the obvious (be interested in people, smile, be a good listener etc) but it… works. Same thing with Neil Strauss’ The Game. Pick-up artistry is the ghastliest, but the ability to meet the woman of your dreams isn’t.

A few nights ago in Bondi, the noted Australian shaper Hayden Cox launched his book New Wave Vision, a memoir-self-help tome. Cox, who is thirty-four years old, divides his time between homes in Venice Beach, California, and Palm Beach in Sydney. Although figures are a little blurry on such things, it’s likely his surfboard model, the Hypto-Krypto, is the biggest-selling surfboard model in the world.

New Wave Vision, therefore, is a wonderful story of a driven kid who shucks the expectations of his family (accountancy!) to learn to shape, build a surfboard company, create a unique method of surfboard construction and, eventually, be feted by icons as diverse as Audi and Alexander Wang. A tough biz-man, sure, and…oowee… a little sensitive to the inconsequential yapping of critics, but his advice, his thoughts, are compelling enough to fill a few hundred pages.

On schools: In the most crucial years of learning, the test system doesn’t exactly encourage outside-the-box thing, which is what leads to innovation. Some of the world’s best-known stories are school dropouts, who went on to create products and businesses that have changed the world. (Sure, there are also the dropouts who really should have stayed in school…) When you see the big success stories, however, it’s hard to deduce that traditional education systems are flawed.

Tough times: When I started my factory I had no boards, no money, nowhere to go, and I’d fallen out with my friend and only employee. I asked my mum for a loan, but she said, ‘No way and I lending you money for a business that you’re already starting in debt.’

Rounding out the book are short chapters from Tony Hawk, the co-founder of Google Maps Noel Gordon, designer Karen Walker, Oakley founder and RED creator Jim Jannard, Vissla’s Paul Naude and the founder of Aesop Dennis Paphitis. These are a little light, but you’ll like Jannard’s manic story which ends with the carrot, “Oh and one more thing. The biggest project of my life is coming in 2017. And it is for everyone…” A phone, maybe?

Cox is an easy target. Handsome kid and gorgeous wife annex a hunk of the surfboard market with a a high-fashion approach to marketing and a model that appeals to everyone, even beginners. What’s not to hate?

New Wave Vision isn’t How to Win Friends nor is it The Game. And I doubt if Cox would claim it so. As a window into a young shaper’s rise, fall and rise, of the challenges of the surfboard game, of defiance in the face of unsupportive parents, of making your way in the world on your own terms, it works.

Buy it here if you want the stiffened cover version (free postage) or if you want your book on a screen, swipe it from iTunes here. 


Eddie Aikau
Edward Ryon Makuahanai Aikau, the lifeguard and surfer, who was famously lost at sea in 1978.

It’s official: Eddie Won’t Go!

Say hello to the RedBull in Memory of Eddie Aikau (one presumes.)

Five days ago BeachGrit called it. (Read here.) And now it’s official.

Due to a dispute between former surf company and last year’s event sponsor Quiksilver and the Aikau family regarding naming rights the contest will not be taking place in 2017.

The Aikau family, Quiksilver and the World Surf League have been in talks for several months after what many called the most epic in the contest’s history was finally staged in February 2016 after a seven-year absence.

Last week, however, talks broke down between the family and Quiksilver, and on Saturday at an awards luncheon for the Eddie Aikau Foundation essay contest for public and private school students, the announcement was made.

No more details at the moment. But if I were inclined to speculate, and I most definitely am, the line “money was not a major issue,” seems to indicate that it most definitely was.

Seth Reiss, family friend and attorney, read a statement from the Aikaus at the luncheon, saying “the contest reminds us of Eddie, of (Waimea) bay, of surfing, and of Hawaiian culture.

“The family is proud of the event and appreciated the role Quiksilver played. That relationship ended earlier this year. There were substantial discussions between the family and Quiksilver about how the relationship could be continued, but in the end, no agreement was reached.”

Reiss and the family say money was not a major issue — the Aikaus intend to continue the big wave contest in Eddie’s memory at Waimea Bay and is considering many options.

But a major issue this season is getting a permit, for which the process and deadlines have already passed.

The city did give a permit for the Quiksilver in Memory of Eddie Aikau, but that name can no longer be used unless both sides come to an agreement.

City deputy managing director Georgette Deemer says the city has been working hard to find a way, but it looks like its hands are tied.

“We certainly understand how important ‘the Eddie’ is to the people of Honolulu, and the state and the world, because it is such an iconic event. … We have met with Clyde (Eddie’s brother), we have looked at it from every angle, and for the 2016-2017 season, the permit process has closed. It was closed in 2015.

Holy shit! Say goodbye to Quik’s decades long near monopoly of perfect huge days at the Bay. Say hello to the RedBull in Memory of Eddie Aikau (one presumes.)

No more details at the moment. But if I were inclined to speculate, and I most definitely am, the line “money was not a major issue,seems to indicate that it most definitely was.

Of interest is who actually owns the permit to the Eddie, and whether they will be allowed to re-up next year should the contest fail to run due to financial reasons. The Eddie occupies a legal gray area within North Shore contest regulations, permitting rules that apply to other beach parks, notably Sunset and Ehukai, aren’t exactly enforced when it comes to Waimea.

If a permit holder is unable to execute the event due to logistical failures, rather than lackluster surf, the permit should then open up the following year to all applicants. Which is sure to make for a legendary round of politicking, infighting, and backstabbing.