The look of disappointment in a child's eyes is a sight to behold!
Happy Halloween! I guess, if you celebrate it.
Derek doesn’t, ‘cuz he’s Australian. (I think.)
Chas doesn’t. ‘Cuz he loves Christ and refuses to participate in anything that involves ghouls or ghosts or witches. It’s all black magic! (I assume.)
I don’t because the combination of alcohol and masked anonymity effectively turns off my self-restraint. Which is why I got the shit beat out of me the last time I observed the holiday. Swore off costumes and booze when I woke absolutely battered, pieced together the previous night, learned I totally deserved the thorough beating.
It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy, committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.
Besides, Halloween sucks now. Gone are the days when unattended children roamed the darkness in unsupervised cabals.
It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy, committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.
Now it’s nothing but well chaperoned daylight toddler walks. Safety minded parental approval. Fucking pathetic.
Do you know how hard it is to steal a bag of candy from a child when their parents are present? All adults look more or less the same to children. But dear Mom and Dad are fully capable of picking your ass out of a lineup.
My generation has turned into a bunch of sissy-pants helicopter parents, and they ain’t letting their spoiled crotch fruit out of sight. You’ve gotta be a real weirdo to take joy in costumed children. Halloween should be about experiencing dimly lit fear and danger while the grown-ups stay home and get wasted.
A lot of what was once considered good-natured fun is now considered criminal activity. Want to hide in the bushes and terrorize passing toddlers? Think again.
You can still wring some joy from the holiday. The look of disappointment in a child’s eyes as you hand it a single piece of the cheapest off-brand candy Walmart sells is a glorious sight to behold. But if you’re looking to strike fear into the hearts of strangers you’ve gotta get creative. Spooky music and faux spider webs just won’t cut it at 3PM.
Since kids are off-limits, you’re left to target the chaperons. Which is fairly easy with a little creativity. You don’t even need to bother decorating or donning a disguise.
“Oh my goodness! What a lovely costume! Aren’t you all adorable! I love Halloween. The terms of my probation state I can’t approach within 200 yards of a minor. But tonight they come to me!”