The look of disappointment in a child's eyes is a sight to behold!
Happy Halloween! I guess, if you celebrate it.
Derek doesn’t, ‘cuz he’s Australian. (I think.)
Chas doesn’t. ‘Cuz he loves Christ and refuses to participate in anything that involves ghouls or ghosts or witches. It’s all black magic! (I assume.)
I don’t because the combination of alcohol and masked anonymity effectively turns off my self-restraint. Which is why I got the shit beat out of me the last time I observed the holiday. Swore off costumes and booze when I woke absolutely battered, pieced together the previous night, learned I totally deserved the thorough beating.
It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy, committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.
Besides, Halloween sucks now. Gone are the days when unattended children roamed the darkness in unsupervised cabals.
It was once my favorite night of the year. Begging for candy, committing acts of petty vandalism. A sort of pre-pubescent Purge. Yeah, one or two kids might get snatched and used to christen some deviant’s newly remodeled sex dungeon, but we were okay with that. We knew the risks.
Now it’s nothing but well chaperoned daylight toddler walks. Safety minded parental approval. Fucking pathetic.
Do you know how hard it is to steal a bag of candy from a child when their parents are present? All adults look more or less the same to children. But dear Mom and Dad are fully capable of picking your ass out of a lineup.
My generation has turned into a bunch of sissy-pants helicopter parents, and they ain’t letting their spoiled crotch fruit out of sight. You’ve gotta be a real weirdo to take joy in costumed children. Halloween should be about experiencing dimly lit fear and danger while the grown-ups stay home and get wasted.
A lot of what was once considered good-natured fun is now considered criminal activity. Want to hide in the bushes and terrorize passing toddlers? Think again.
You can still wring some joy from the holiday. The look of disappointment in a child’s eyes as you hand it a single piece of the cheapest off-brand candy Walmart sells is a glorious sight to behold. But if you’re looking to strike fear into the hearts of strangers you’ve gotta get creative. Spooky music and faux spider webs just won’t cut it at 3PM.
Since kids are off-limits, you’re left to target the chaperons. Which is fairly easy with a little creativity. You don’t even need to bother decorating or donning a disguise.
“Oh my goodness! What a lovely costume! Aren’t you all adorable! I love Halloween. The terms of my probation state I can’t approach within 200 yards of a minor. But tonight they come to me!”
Can’t wait to call some grom “spoiled crotch fruit!” tell them to beat it.. Cant wait.
im a kid in Washington and today we smashed pumpkins, broke windows, and threw pumpkins through windows. The good natured fun is still here in some of us
I’m all about downers. Uppers just crank life’s volume.
No cheap aloha shirts like Hilo Hatties?
I refuse to wear anything but Reyn Spooner.
I concur…Reyn Spooner makes a damn nice shirt.
Australians, at least young-ish Sydneyians, adore Halloween. Was there this weekend, and Saturday night was a shitshow of drunken, poorly costumed imbeciles. At least, I assume that was because of Halloween.
That’s just Saturday night dude…
Every night on Oxford St.
There’s a Walmart on Kauai?
thought that was strange too
Maybe Rory actually lives in Des Moines and this was just the first clue to expose his Big Lie™
Nah, there’s one in Lihue.
You sure you aren’t confusing it with the Salvation Army by Hamura’s?
I hope not. I spent an hour wandering the aisles looking for a kitchen torch this weekend. (Ended up buying one at Home Depot.)
I made creme brulee. It turned out pretty good. It’ll be better next time.
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Not only a cunning linguist but also a gourmet chef! Do you take requests? Any chance that you can recreate that Lilikoi Pie from Hamura’s?
I don’t see why not. I thoroughly enjoy cooking.
My next attempt is a goat cheese and black pepper souffle. I had something similar at Cafe Hemingway recently. Really digging the savory souffle.
But, that place… I hate it. The food is overpriced, the service is terrible. But the wife loves it for some stupid reason I can’t fathom.
We went last week and they were out of almost everything on the menu.
“But we have Osso Buco.”
Sure, whatever, fine. I’ll take it.
As the waitress walks away she says, “It’s not veal tonight, though.”
Don’t really know what to make of that. Osso Buco is veal. Can’t not be. But I’ve already ordered and nothing else looked good so I figured I’d give it a shot.
Forty minutes later she drops two ramekins in front of me. One is full of rice. The other is hunks of beef swimming in gravy and carrots.
You know what you call that? You call it beef fucking stew.
And there ain’t no stew on earth that costs twenty eight bucks a fucking serving.
The souffle salvaged the meal. But I’m never going back again. I don’t care how much my wife enjoys the fondue.
That’s it – no matter the rep of a place one fuck up, and it’s done for me!! Went to a place years ago with my brother we ordered $100 aged wagyu steaks, they were cooked shit, to top it off they refused to serve a salad or let us share a salad or something similar. We complained the fuck out of it – refused to pay, shouted at tops of our voices, left telling all entering customers to leave as they employed African slave labour ( which they were later found out to have done!!!) 1 chance, who would be in food game, certainly not me if there are customers like me!!
you have a brother…do tell.
I still say the best meal I had on Kauai was kalua pork tacos at a place between Waimea Canyon and Poipu. Plantation Gardens was good and so was Red Salt at the Koa Kea but that kalua pork is something I could literally kill for…even better than Alicia’s on Oahu which is my go-to.
Last time I was in Kauai I spent every night eating at Tahiti Nui (no, I’ve never seen The Descendants) and my god the pork ribs were insanely good.
Can’t you caramelize the sugar by putting those fuckers under the broiler?
You can, but I was worried about overcooking it.
And it was an excuse to buy a butane torch. Which is pretty rad.
Today I used it to light cigarettes and glaze a few slices of bacon.
Hmm. Screw BG. Wanna make a website devoted to stay-at-home husbands?
Walmart AND Kmart – how do you think the 99% gets by? Costco too. Tho you’ve got to fly to Oahu or Maui to get your Target on.
I didn’t realize that there were three Targets on Oahu. Jeez…
Don’t forget Ross. Costco & Ross keep my wife happy, since I can’t.
Yeah, no Honolulu jaunt was complete without a trip to Ross. They would do well on Kauai
Wait, you have self-restraint?
I’m hoping the “Inverted Commas” in his last line are a punchline…
Every moment of my life is an exercise in self control.
Like, we went to dinner at the Kauai Grill this past Saturday. The food is very good, but with tip the bill hit $450. Which is absolutely absurd, I know.
The place is dimly lit and was full of idiots taking pictures of their food, flash enabled. I was high as fuck and the constant flickering was driving me nuts. But I stayed calm.
Until the woman next to us pulled out her pro-sumer rig and started taking picture after picture. Gnarly aftermarket shit on top, each time it was like she dropped a flashbang in the middle of the restaura nt.
You’d think, fine dining and all, that people would realize that type of behavior is bullshit. Show some class. It’s a fucking meal, not a photo shoot.
But, no, the dumb bitch needed to get every possible fucking angle, then pose her stupid child as though it had ordered a ninety dollar cut of wagyu.
I wanted to flip their fucking table, toss the kid off the balcony, and proceed to punch her in the face until she stopped moving.
Instead I grabbed my wife’s phone, turned on the flash, and spent fifteen minutes taking pictures of them.
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Justified. Also – when olds take out their phone flashlights to read the menus in dim restaurants. FUCKING TRASH MOVE.
Love to know average age of BG reader.. I struggle to read a menu in poorly lit table. Call it ambiance still sucks.
Reader 29, Commentator 54.
Poor Mrs. Rory…
Can you please do an article on this story. This would be a great read.
that type of behavior is bullshit at actual fine dining restaurants.
There’s loads of places in the UK and France that kick you out if you photograph food. Which is the right thing to do because only fuck faces do it.
$450? Fuck give me the life of the high flying beach grit contributor!
450 $ for 1 turd? Did you even flush it? I’d want to admire that for a day or so, maybe even show my pals.