Fake news: Rockstar to title sponsor WSL!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

A major shakeup in the works!

So I was reading about ethics in the new White House yesterday and how Trump’s club in Florida, Mar-a-lago, has become the de facto “Southern White House” which worries libtards and pussies because the members at Mar-a-lago each pay $200,000.00 to belong (up $100,000.00 since Trump became president of the world) and the fact that they are rich n shit and sitting next to Trump for dinner means they have an unfair advantage when it comes to making deals with the United States government.

Right?

So then I was reading about some of these members like William I. Koch who owns some oil thing and stands to benefit majorly from the Dakota Pipeline (suck it Injuns) and George Norcross who is an insurance billionaire and gonna do well off Obummercare restructuring and Bruce Toll who is a billionaire builder and Trump asked him to build the wall already over Mar-a-lago dinner (suck it Mexican’ts) and Janet Weiner who owns and CFOs Rockstar Energy Drink and…

Rockstar Energy Drink?

They sell enough cans for Janet Weiner to have paid even a $100,000.00 membership fee?

But also… You know that Janet Weiner is gonna tell Trump over steak and lobster that the World Surf League needs an energy drink sponsor and Red Bull hates them and Monster disappeared so… Rockstar!

And Trump is gonna say, “You’re right. How much does this sponsorship cost?”

And Janet Weiner is gonna say, “Well, they say 35 million people tune in worldwide but it’s probably just 305 plus Negatron but he lives in New Zealand so doesn’t count.”

And Trump gonna say, “Not yuge. I will call and have them pay you $10,000,000.00 to be their sponsor.”

And Janet Weiner is gonna say, “Deal.”

And that is the story about how the World Surf League Tour became the Rockstar Energy World Tour and how Cory Lopez won the 2017 crown.

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Endorsement: Smoke cigarettes and jam!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Freedom has a new name and it's Donovan Frankenreiter!

Big Tobacco is still such a frowned upon industry. Maybe because smoking has been scientifically proven to cause lung cancer? Maybe because the cigarette companies sat on research for many many years that pointed to this conclusion? Maybe because the cigarette companies actively targeted children, trying to squeeze a few extra years of profit out of young lives?

I don’t know but something made the government very mad. In the United States cigarette companies can’t advertise anywhere. Not in magazines, not on TV, not even on race cars. No celebrity ever endorses and only way-past-their-prime celebrities endorse e-cigarettes. Like Stephen Dorff.

Lame.

And how are the children supposed to latch on if they don’t ever see any one cool in a cigarette ad? How are they supposed to give it a try?

Well China doesn’t have our lame hang-ups and presenting……….

Donny Darts!

This is exactly the sort of image that the get the cool kids into the game. A fat, yellow board. A guitar. A soul arch.

China is already whooping our asses with their manufacturing and business shit. Now their next generation is going to be ruling the image game too. A bunch of little, yellow James Deans standing on street corners being way cooler than school.

Fuck!

Thanks a lot Donovan Frankenreiter.

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Watch: Fiji Scoffs at Your Off-Season!

By Michael Ciaramella

8 years ago

You know it's empty when Dingo can't find somebody to burn!

What a wonderful thing, that Southern Ocean.

The seaway’s infinite and volatile nature aids the production of sweet, sweet purply fruit. Not plums or grapes because of course it is freezing, but swells! Purple blobs grow leviathan in the southern sea due to brutal Arctic weather patterns and a relatively unobstructed ocean path.

Moving west to east (as most storms do), the Southern Ocean is uninhibited by any major land masses, making it a bona fide swell highway. Waves originating from the S.O. hit six of seven continents, unless of course you’re counting Europe’s colonial appendages, in which case it’s a perfect sweep. Though it’s most active during the Southern Hemi’s winter, this glacial cauldron pumps out legitimate swells all year-round, which is a treat for the Indos, South Aussies, and even Fijians of the world.

Case in point: four of the Mad Hueys recently escaped the Goldy’s waveless purgatory to revel in some South Pac (by way of Southern Ocean) juice. And what place better than Cloudbreak to dust off those thigh-drag cobwebs?

Can you imagine this type of quality at your local? No, right? Now consider that February is Fiji’s “off-season”.

The video shows not only pristine, six-to-ten foot barreling conditions, but also a very empty lineup. Nobody goes to Fiji this time of year because the waves are “small” and there are “bad winds” but try telling that to Dingo Morrison, one slice of the Half-wit twins, and that devilish Southern Ocean!

Aside from the surf, I also appreciate the clues divulged by the B-roll clips. Based on their boat’s appearance and the docking station used, it’s clear the Hueys aren’t staying on Tavi or Namotu. This means they’re either poor or cheap or both, but probably both. And can’t we all connect with that?

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Here, the new version of Wavegarden, a joint where even middle-aged men can swing into a wave every fifty-five seconds

Lawsuit threat for “defective” Wave tank!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Perth residents say they'll take the fight to the Supreme Court!

Have you ever tried to have anything of substance built? Or modified? Maybe a sauna in the garage or a bed that ascends out of a hole in the floor?

The process is a son of a bitch.

Every bored neighbour with a keyboard will try and smash the fucker into the ground, good or bad, and whether it affects ’em or not. I’m loathe to say it’s human nature, because I do believe in the essential goodness of man, but, fuck, only way to get shit through is with a lawyer and an insane amount of time on your hands. One time I tried to build a jerk-off room, an eyrie on the top of my little apartment, dormer windows offering panoramic views of the surf. Ended up in court, thousands down the hole, and a fist fight with another owner.

Therefore, I was hardly surprised when a group of Melville residents petitioned the local council today against approving a “defective” wave tank. If you haven’t been to Melville, and realistically, there isn’t a reason to go ’cause ain’t much there, is a bourgeoise hamlet for retirees. A soft-shoe shuffle down to the local Chinese is as rad as it gets.

You remember the Perth Wavegarden, yeah? If memory fails, read about it here.

As reported by the West Oz today,

City of Melville residents are threatening to take their fight against a $25 million wave park to the Supreme Court if the council approves the project tomorrow.

A group of ratepayers stepped up their protest against the riverside project proposal last week after seeking advice from law firm Lavan Legal.

In a letter sent to the council, lawyers claim the business plan is “manifestly defective” and approval of the project would be invalid.

City of Melville officers have recommended councillors grant a lease to Wave Park Group for the Alfred Cove site when they meet tomorrow.

Councillors have been told the proposal is unique and transformative and would provide significant financial return. A council spokeswoman said the letter had been carefully considered and there was no valid reason to delay the decision.

Resident David Maynier said the area was inappropriate for an artificial wave park because of environmental risks.

“If push comes to shove, there is a fairly large number of ratepayers who could be prepared to continue and support action in the Supreme Court,” Mr Maynier said.

The council received 3677 submissions on the project, of which 651 opposed the plan.

BeachGrit’s position? Have you ever been to Perth? The waves suck and Great Whites treat the beaches as their protected kingdom. Let’s get these things rolling!

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"My wife for life!"

Weep: Rosy Hodge Just Got Married!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

The post-heat virtuoso slams door shut on single game forever!

This ain’t something you want to read over your morning joe. The post-heat virtuoso Rosy Hodge, whom you allow regular access into your night thoughts, she with the blankest and most tender eyes, yours ablaze with ardor and nostrils alive with the smell of her broth, just got married to the director of Electric’s global marketing, Mr Ian Foulke.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQrtPCfBmWC/?taken-by=kingman&hl=en

The gazelle-like Rosy, who is thirty years old and who grew up in East London in South Africa, and Ian, a thirty-ish American of jaw-dropping beauty and height, are that rare bird where everything just… fits.

“With wind in her hair and sea glass in her ear, she is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, and now, my wife for life,” writes Ian.

Eat beach grit spam!