OMG: It’s a Slater/WSL cabal!

Surf fan discovers subliminal messaging on WSL broadcasts…  

OMG, I just unearthed an illuminati-level connection. Kelly Slater is using his ZoSea/Terry Harding (Slater’s agent) connection to subliminally influence WSL viewers to buy KS Designs surfboards!

Take a look at the WSL time clock font and the KS Designs logo.
Tell me that’s just a coincidence and I’ll shoot you.
WSL Font 3
The elongated O in the WSL clock, with bold sash. Unique, yes?
The elongated O in the WSL click, with bold sash. Unique, yes?
The KS Designs logo, an elongated O with a sash drawn across it. Unique, yes?
I’ve been in the game long enough to get bro-deals on boards.
Lately, I’ve felt an odd urge to buy a Sci-Fi.
I’m caught under his spell and I’m red with shame. I am feeble-minded. I am so gullible. A man long out of school sitting in his panties waiting for the tooth fairy.
I do wonder, what other messages has Kelly been hypnotizing us with? After his ninth title I shaved my head. Sometimes I wish ill-will upon sharks. Chia seeds have become part of my regular diet. I throw rocks at stores that sell Monsanto products. I stare at pools.
Undoubtedly, I’ve just tugged the first thread of a much bigger plot. I’m inclined to watch the Quik Pro today to find more clues, but I’m wary, fearful, of falling into a trance.
What next? Riding one of those rectangular boards?
Check in on me if you don’t hear back.

Gimme: All the Barton Lynch I can eat!

Is Barton Lynch the best announcer ever? Yes!

Are you watching professional surfing right now? Yes? Of course. Me too. Or as Matt Warshaw just texted me, “It’s the only single thing we can all talk about… Well. This and cocaine.”

He’s right.

I’m supposed to be doing cocaine but jut got done watching Adrian Buchan lose to Jeremy Flores even though he dropped a claim at the end of a 6 point something ride. I’ve always been on the edge re. claims. Like, sometimes I think they’re fine and sometimes I think they are totally lame. Watching Ace claim a 6 point something made me think when aimed at the judges they are the same exact thing as a soccer flop. The worst thing on earth!

But enough about soccer. Let’s talk about Barton Lynch! He is on the mic for a few heats and I know I’ve heard him before, calling heats, but maybe with Ross Williams leaving us, maybe with…. I don’t know. All I know is I WANT MY BARTON LYNCH!

His theatrical delivery paired with a real knowledge paired with a legendary history paired with a non-annoying Australian accent. Tell me now. Does any voice even come close to Barton Lynch?

The only thing I wish is that Ron Dawg and Sizzurp Tizzurp would stop calling him BL. He is a grown man. His name is Barton Lynch. And he is coming for both your motherfucking “jobs.”

Manna: KS wave pool to South Florida!

Cubans and J-Lo rejoice!

South Florida pretty much has everything. Cubans, Cuban food, neon lights, Cuban cigars, Pitbull, Pitbull feat. J-Lo, Pitbull feat. Ke$ha, Pitbull feat. Gaga etc.

Well, the rich get richer and now South Florida is getting…


It is fitting etc. since Kelly Slater is actually from Florida and it is also fitting that the announcement was made on day one of professional ocean surfing. But who needs ocean surfing when you’ve got a wave ranch! Shall we read a li’l touch in South Florida’s Biz Journal?

It would be cruel not to!

On March 23, the Palm Beach County Commission will hold a zoning hearing to consider a request to amend the county’s “planned industrial park” regulation to allow large scale commercial recreation facilities. While this would apply countywide, the specific purpose of the amendment would be to allow the Surf Ranch Florida with a man-made surfing lake to be developed on an 80-acre parcel within the Palm Beach Park of Commerce.

The Palm Beach Park of Commerce, also known as First Park South Florida, consists of 1,323 acres at the intersection of Bee Line Highway and Park of Commerce Boulevard west of Jupiter. It’s several miles west of the population center, and quite a long drive from the beach.

The Surf Ranch would be developed on the extreme northwest corner of the Park of Commerce, according to the application. It describes the project as a concrete man-made lake of about 13 acres, measuring 2,000 feet long by 185 feet wide.

Do you live in South Florida? Do you know where this is? Will you be in line opening day? Are you Pitbull?

WSL: Quik Pro Round One Analysis!

Who needs Heat Analyzers when you've got plain old text!

#It’sOn… and I’m fucking ecstatic! As much as we poke and prod, the WSL is our lifeline. It gives us something to care about in surfing beyond our own tepid sessions. Plus, Snapper has a solid forecast for once, so I’ve got four straight days of entertainment.

For those of you missed it, here’s a day two/round one recap.


Lakey started off with a dream wave and surfed it pretty damn well. She took it easy on the first half of the ride, but once she found her groove it was a full display of power and commitment, with at least six legit turns and a little toob to boot. The judges gave it nearly a nine.

Steph followed with a vastly inferior wave in which she looked like twice the surfer of Lakey. Mid-seven. Malia did the same. Flat seven. The upright posture of Steph and Malia enables crisper, more aesthetically appealing turns than those of Hunchy Peterson.

With twenty seconds remaining, Lakey used her priority to block Steph and proceeded to half-heartedly surf the wave whilst continually checking over her shoulder. That’s because behind Lakey, Steph locked into a double-up that would produce a Leemore-esque mini-tube, which resulted in a six-point-ride and a buzzer-beater heat win.

I’m already hooked.


Michel puts more pressure on his board than anyone I’ve seen. His half-hearted cutty rebounds produce more spray than bathing elephant. This is great when he’s on, but Michel falls off his board more than… maybe… anyone on Tour?

Ron Dawg made an interesting point that Jadson’s front foot resides not in the center of the board, but slightly toward his heelside rail. This technique enables harder bottom turns but detracts from turning power off the top, as it’s difficult to transition the weight back onto the toeside rail through turns. He surfed very badly.

Conner is injured. He’s trying to surf through a bruised knee-cap (thanks to Pipe about a month ago), but it’s clearly affecting his flow. He looks tender, and surfing in that state is never good for recovery. I’d let it heal all the way if I were him, but I know it’s hard to sit on the sidelines when your job is on the line.

The gals coulda won this heat.


Wilko’s ability to the shift his weight to the front foot is incredible. Of course it comes at the expense of looking like a duck with diaper rash, but fuck it – that backside whip is worth any editorial lashing! Matt’s elastic display reminded me of how he won this event in 2016. He’s a threat.

Ian made a lot of rookie mistakes, most of them related to wave choice. He had a few decent turns, but most of his waves were small and flat. He also felt the need to do 800 cutbacks on each of them, resulting in a slew of threes and fours. This ain’t the QS, boy!

Stu is also carrying an injury, though you couldn’t tell from his surfing. That’s not to say he was surfing well, because he wasn’t, but he didn’t appear wounded. He’s back on the Sci-Fi, so we’ll see what kinda magic he can produce in round two.


Kolohe came out of the gates straight into an air rev. It only got him a four, but that level of confidence is telling. Overall his surfing appeared stronger and dirtied-up a bit, which bodes well for his season.

Unlike Kolohe, Jack went limp-dick on a big section on his first wave. Just made me want to shake him! He then picked off a local-knowledge double-up and tagged it a few times for the best wave of the heat, but altogether an uninspiring seven. Needed a low-four to take the win but came up short with a wave in the dying minutes. More blah from a superstar talent.

Kanoa flopped. Chalk it up to bad luck or round one jitters, either way he’ll have to fight through round two to maintain his undefeated record.


God, Gabby is good. Like… so fucking good. His first wave included a no-hand backside pit and two of the best turns of the day. Only a seven-five, but one hell of a warning shot for the top 34. Wave number two was a fuck-off rodeo attempt. No make but… did I mention I love Gab? Post heat update: Gabby strained his MCL, likely due to an awkward fall on the aforementioned rodeo. Oh and he’s still riding super-wide surfboards.

Wiggs, when he connects, has the most impressive backside turn I’ve seen. It’s a combination of power, timing, and air-tight technique that creates more splash than post-Chipotle deuce. He didn’t make any in this heat, so he was no competition for the superfreak that is Medina.

Zeke picked waves that looked good out the back but had nothing to offer down the line. This is not uncommon at a tricky wave like Snapper, but it’s another classic rookie mistake.


Nat looks feisty as hell. Probably because he’s not actually on tour this year, and therefore needs to make a big impression at Snapper if he wants more wildcard opportunities this season. He could be the Seabass of 2017!

I picked Miggy for my Fantasy team because he’s got a loopy backhand and has performed well here historically. He had one moment of brilliance today, but failed to back it up.

Jordy surfed safe. That’s a luxury he can often afford in right-hand points, thanks to his effortless power and flow, but he dialed it back a little too far today. Lucky for Jordy, his competitors couldn’t put two scores together.


John dissected his heat like a man with a plan. Like a man with Ross Williams’ plan. This is great for heat wins, bad for entertainment. In my eyes, John shouldn’t be able to get 8.5s for surfing at 60%. His half-laybacks already bore me senseless, but he is clearly on level above.

I will now completely switch roles in saying that Mikey Wright is so damn talented, but has no sense of competitive strategy. He does amazing maneuvers, but falls way too often and misuses priority to a point of disbelief. We need a middle ground between Mike and John!

Connor: I said it once and I’ll say it again – CT-lite.

Kelly/Mick/Jeremy (Hot damn that’s pretty on paper!)

Slater’s board looks fun! It’s fast, smooth, and allows for unbroken transitions between maneuvers. That said, he didn’t make many “major maneuvers”, so his scores were modest at best. I still loved his unforced surfing.

Jeremy was the underdog in this heavy-weight bout, but the man has got a mean right hook! He had the heat won until the last minute, and this should give him confidence moving into round two.

If you ain’t got Mick on your Fantasy team, you’re a damn fool. He’s only 5.5 mil thanks to his abbreviated 2016 season and is the easy favorite at the first two events. He picked some bad waves today, but now that he’s greased his gears, expect nothing but perfect surfing from here on out.


Mr. Wilson recently came out with a show-stopping video segment you can see here. This video has led people to believe that Julian has a good chance at winning the world title, but more currently, Snapper! I think this is stupid because Julian’s wide stance/round surfing is not conducive to Snapper’s tight transitions. But then he won with flying colors today, so what do I know?

I once called Caio the human version of Sid from Ice Age, but to say that is to attack my own ego. You see, Caio is my CT doppleganger, both in terms of facial structure and surfing style. So I say Caio is great, the best! Also very handsome.

Leo looks ready. No rookie jitters, no kiddie turns. He got unlucky with waves today but I see him making a few rounds at this event.


Lest we forget how fucking great Joel surfs. After a five-year world title hangover, Joel just might be back! His opening nine brought on the best kind of nostalgia, and I hope to feel more of it in the coming days.

Connor O’Leary famously declared Joan Duru’s backhand as the best in the world. I was all… nawwwww… but then boom! Duru drops two eight-pointers and I still say naww but only with two W’s!

Oh how I adore the little pipe bomb that is Italo Ferreria. He didn’t amaze today but soon… soon.


Hey Pete and Ronnie, it’s pronounced FEDErico, kinda like Fetty Wap, not FREDerico, like Mr. Flintstone. Anyhow, I think this guy just showed the world what he’s made of (meat and potatoes).

Ace surfed like Ace. He puts his board in technical positions but, to me, is very boring. I’m unenthused by his surfing unless it’s in big left tubes.

I don’t know how much more Fil could have done out there, other than picking bigger waves. Technique-wise Filipe was as noble as ever, he was merely outshined by a Portuguese powerhouse.


Is it bad that I’m always surprised when ADS surfs well? Somehow I’ve internalized that he’s not a good surfer, and time and time again he proves me wrong. His nine was a thing of beauty. Well, it was still a little ugly, but probably the best surfed wave of the day.

Bede’s ripping too! The big bloke with the broken bum has still got game, it appears. As you know Bede is not my cup of tea but good surfing is good surfing!

Kerrzy is the most animated of this trio, but his wave choice made him an afterthought. Still some impressive turns though. The CT is so hard!


Ethan dropped a nine on his first-ever CT wave (with a fall), so I guess I’ll just go fuck myself. Perhaps he is ready after all…

How beautiful is Owen’s backside flow? It’s a blend of the Wilko Whip and Miggy’s style and tempo. I’m so happy to have this guy back on Tour, but I’m curious to see what he does in the heartier waves on the schedule.

Seabass is a great surfer but he always looks slightly off-balance. I dunno, maybe it’s the extra thumb.

WSL: The cruelty of wildcards!

Mikey Wright gets tortured by Ross Williams (John John)!

We’re back! Can you believe it? Can you believe it has been almost three months since we last watched professional surfing (at the highest level)? Almost three months! If the Geneva Convention had been written more recently this would be considered torture and totally outlawed.

But are you watching John John Florence shame Mikey Wright on the Gold Coast right now? Shame! An even worse torture!

I never really considered the plight of the wildcard before because usually, when I consider him, he is on Hawaii and mocking his masters but every where else in this world he is getting publicly shamed in the worst way ever.

Mikey Wright!


John John Florence!

Shame on you for watching, sicko.

But look at Mick Fanning’s haircut! What the motherfucking hell is that?