Report: American Dream Alive and Well!

7 years ago

Chad Kroeger reveals America's ultimate virtue

“To be in a city where you can have a surf session and then go to a city council meeting within the span of an hour, I just think that just shows the American Dream is very much alive.” That’s how Chad Kroeger, a so-called “freelance journalist” (loser), started his proposal in front of the San Clemente city council.

Chad’s goal was simple: to convince local officials to erect a 12-foot steel statue of the deceased Fast and Furious star, Paul Walker, on the San Clemente pier.

“Detroit has the Robocop,” Kroeger argued. “Philly has Rocky. We. Need. Paul. Walker. He represents everything this town stands for.”

“Does Paul Walker have any connection to San Clemente?” the clerk asked Kroeger.

“He… went to high school here,” snapped Kroeger.

“…His cousin went to high school here,” a formerly-closeted-Paul-Walker-fan in the committee clarified.

You can watch the video below for the rest of Chad and partner Bodhi’s hilariously impassioned plea. Even the council members were fairly receptive and amused by the proposal.

But outside of entertainment value, why should we care?

Because Chad’s opening statement, when paired with Chas’s blatant riot proposal, drove me to recall vital truth: No matter how shitty everything is or how much everyone hates one another we, as free Americans, still retain the power to pursue whatever bullshit ideas cross our corroded minds.

Trump’s inauguration proved that. Chad’s plea proved that. BeachGrit proves that on a thrice daily basis.

So.

Long live America! And …Australia? Can you guys do stupid shit too?

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Stern disapproval from the peanut gallery.

Huntington Beach: Riot City, USA!

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

Surf City trades in its trademarked moniker for something with more pizzazz!

A riot broke out in Huntington Beach, California today during a pro-Trump rally on the sands of Bolsa Chica, or “little girl’s handbag” in its English translation. Fox news reported:

A scuffle broke out on a Southern California beach where supporters of President Donald Trump were marching when counter-protesters doused organizers with pepper spray, authorities said Saturday.

The violence erupted when the march of about 2,000 people at Bolsa Chica State Beach reached a group of about 30 counter-protesters, some of whom began spraying the irritant, said Capt. Kevin Pearsall of the California State Parks Police. Three people were arrested on suspicion of illegal use of pepper spray, he said.

There were several other arrests and two people suffered minor injuries, but Pearsall said he did not immediately have further details.

The Fox News broadcaster said:

It got ugly. Fights broke out. Fists flying between Trump supporters and anti-Trump protestors. It gets pretty ugly. One person, reportedly, pepper sprayed. Another person punched in the face.

And nobody does gently disruptive like Huntington Beach! Who could forget the 2014 riot where some windows were smashed and some porta-potties turned on their sides. Or the 1986 riot that was actually a riot?

The best!

I wonder if we should throw a BeachGrit sponsored riot for this upcoming U.S. Open of Surfing? Only gently disruptive of course. Maybe we have someone go down on all fours behind an unsuspecting passerby and have someone else push the unsuspecting passerby over? Maybe we throw whipped cream pies? I’m open for suggestions.

This riot has been brought to you by BeachGrit! It has a certain ring, no?

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Oh you good looking son of a bitch!

Just in: Kelly Slater to start surf school!

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

And to bring WSL to Palm Beach, Florida!

If you could get your degree from Harvard or from Kelly Slater which would you choose? Oh sure, Harvard may be more prestigious and you could be all chummy with your natty bros then go get a respected internship, marry a blue blood, get a job in her father’s company, play tennis on the weekends, have kids, cheat with the nanny, get divorced, get hooked on pain pills, etc.

OR you could get your degree in BACKSIDE TOOB NO RAIL GRAB and be the envy of your beach.

The decision is more difficult than it seems no?

Kelly Slater’s backside toob no rail grab program will apparently be on offer at his new proposed Wave Ranch in Palm Beach, Florida. And let us read from Palm Beach’s local Sun-Sentinal:

More details are emerging on Surf Ranch Florida, a man-made surfing lake in Palm Beach County endorsed by surfing champion Kelly Slater.

County commissioners on Thursday unanimously approved plans for the county to evaluate the proposed surf school and make recommendations for approval later this summer.

During a presentation to the county, representatives of Surf Ranch Florida revealed the project would:

-offer an athletic training center for competitive surfers, a community surfing school, programs for underprivileged youth and a learning center.

-bring in an estimated 83,000 guests annually, and create hundreds of jobs.

-lure thousands of spectators for surfing competitions presented by the World Surf League, a governing body for professional surfers.

And there you have it. A surf school, a training center for underprivileged youth and bleachers to seat a mob starving for professional surfing. Rick Kane is fast becoming a reality. So is the idea of another Bud Tour.

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Curse all cutbacks! John at the Box, 2015 | Photo: WSL

Margie’s Update: Italo Out, Waves Coming!

By Michael Ciaramella

7 years ago

Italo to miss massive pits in Round one!

And have you gotten past your Boardriders’ Pro Snapper hangover? The playful waves? The “bad judging”? The tears? Good! Because Margies starts in a few days and we’ve got shit to discuss.

First off, our favorite little pipe bomb has prematurely blown his fuse. Hanging on the Goldy a few days after the event, Italo Ferreira found himself a slice of Dbah he simply couldn’t resist. A backside rotation, not dissimilar to the one that caught him a ten in round two, had Italo carried up the beach with an apparent ankle injury.

This was confirmed by the WSL, who has stated that Italo will certainly miss Margies and will likely be out for Bells as wells. Such news comes as a massive blow to anyone not on the CT, as the viewers adore his endless spunk but surfers are happy to avoid the killer from Baía Formosa. Italo is also Occy’s favorite surfer right now, whatever that’s worth.

Next is the surf. And boy, is that Southern/Indian Ocean ever kicking up a delicious medley! The first day of the contest will see very large surf from the southwest, met with all-day offshores. With an eleven AM high tide, this makes a round one at The Box highly likely. Or, if very very big, they could even go to North Point. Hello!

Day two will offer dying swell, but still big enough for The Box and with premium conditions. The rest of the forecast looks mediocre at this point, but we all know how things can change. Chances are the majority of the event will run at Margie’s Main Break, but at least we’ve got some big pits in the queue.

Fantasy picks coming soon!

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Is there a more dynamic duo in all of sport?

How to: Become a WSL Commentator!

By Michael Ciaramella

7 years ago

Joey T is the most agreeable man in the world!

I’m an awful public speaker. Words are fumbled, my vocabulary drops from a fifth to a third grade level and my hands tremble like a typical day in Haiti.

Then we’ve got Joe Turpel. The man with honey in his chords and a lifetime of stats in his noggin. A loveable know-it-all who offers digestible prose to the layman. The yin to Potter’s yang.

In this episode of the Occ-Cast, Joey T joins the ’99 world champ in a reunion of sorts. Y’see before it was Joe and Pottz in the booth, Joe and Occ were the ones dueling mics, and their chemistry continues to sizzle. From this interaction it could be inferred that Turpel would prefer the fun-loving and unpredictable approach of Occy to the bullish and hard-nosed Potter.

This program covers a myriad of Turpel-related topics, from his origins in professional commentating (2007, women’s ASP), the most memorable call of his career as a commentator (somehow NOT the Mick shark encounter), and his infatuation with music (punk-turned acoustic, but even he gets stage fright!).

So, do you like Joey T? His voice is a little high and he’s the commentary equivalent of The Inertia but, is he also not lovable in his own little way? Every great analyst team has softball character to smooth over any internal squabbles, and Joe fills that role with gusto.

Think about this: have you ever heard Turpel argue with anyone? No! He continually bites the bullet for the sake of our viewing pleasure. That’s gotta be worth something.

While we’re on the topic, who should replace Ross? Is it Barton Lynch? And what do we think of the weirdly aggressive Kaipo, besides the fact that he’s weirdly aggressive?

Enjoy the Occ-Cast!

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Eat beach grit spam!