Quits the WSL commentary team to allegedly coach John John Florence!
But who is your favorite on air surf commentator? Is it Rawn “Dawg” Blakey and his rolling Australian baritone? And the way he looks twice as smart as everyone around him by having a barely below average IQ? Or is it his frenemy Joe “Sizzurp” Turpel with his little jams? What about Pottz? Do you love South African raw? And by “South African raw” I mean… you know what I mean. Or Ross Williams? The best thing to happen to the booth since little jams!
But hold the phone! Wait just one moment (cocaine)! A rumor has just floated into my ears, and your ears if you happen to listen to the best surf podcast around (Surf Splendor) that Ross Williams is leaving the booth!
He is allegedly packing his knapsack to…..
..THEORETICALLY COACH JOHN JOHN FLORENCE!
Now why does John John Florence need a coach you might ask. And I would answer why does Donald J. Trump need Michael Flynn and Jeff Sessions.
In truth, I’m sure that Ross Williams has a wonderful relationship with all the judges having traveled, lived, dined, slept with them for the last two years. Oh don’t be so daft. He didn’t SLEEP with them but, you know, shared accommodations with them and knows them very well and could tell them to bump John John’s score just a touch…
…but why would he need to do that? John John Florence is the defending world champ without Ross Williams. He is the best surfer in the entire world all by hisself.
With Ross Williams he will be an unstoppable force. Are you ready to fall Ke11y?
And what do you think? Do you think that John Ross will be the greatest coupling since…
There has been so much stress lately about where, exactly, our World Surf League will be broadcasting the upcoming season. Will it be on the website? Facebook only since the two just “signed” a “deal” (wink wink)? And the people claw at their faces, nervously, “But what if I don’t have Facebook for, like, moral reasons? Will I not be able to watch professional surfing?”
Well don’t worry! The WSL is a slut and will be traipsing around whichever bar you want her to be traipsing around!
I asked our World Surf League’s marketing director Dave Prodan just moments ago, “Will the events be web/app or Facebook only?”
He responded minutes later, “Both.”
That naughty minx! That dirty gal!
But don’t you love her? Don’t you just love her to pieces?
I mean, the WSL will be broadcast on BOTH net/app AND Facebook.
Our World Surf League unveiled its new campaign yesterday and I am sorry for my slow response here. Cocaine etc. But let’s talk about it now!
The four spots are up tempo, colorful with bold text filling the screen. Each fall under the year’s new tagline It Takes a Tour to Make a Title and highlight a different component of professional surfing. Let’s watch then grade! (Just click play here and they’ll roll one after the other!)
The first is King Queen and features those who actually have a shot at the title and a jazzy soundtrack. Bold text reading “King Queen” fills the screen over John John Florence’s face and maybe slightly rude to call the boy “King Queen” but I like the playful absurdism! Grade: A
The second is The Obsessed and set to a very moody song plus lots of slow motion. Much pensive. Many emotion. It stirs the heart but there is a moment that lifts The Obsessed into the realm of high art and that is Jordy Smith’s dead serious Are You Entertained? claim. Any clip featuring that or Cryin’ Jordy wins! Grade: A+
The third is New Dream and revolves around all the hot new rookies on tour this year. Soundtrack is very youth. The text details freshness. New school, job, car. First date, day. And then everything swells while the text gets bigger, bolder, filling the screen, demanding, “DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND?” Oh it had me standing and cheering! It is like they asked the youngest person at the World Surf League’s Santa Monica office what the kids are saying these days. The youngest person is Dave Prodan (39) and he responded, “Do you even understand?” As in, “You don’t know what us kids are thinking. You don’t know what’s in our young heads. Get lost. GET LOST I TELLS YA!” Dave’s rebel snarl is tasty! Grade: A
The fourth is Ready to Strike and is about Kanoa Igarashi, Jack Freestone and Conner Coffin and Italo are set to win it all. Strange, yes, but I like the magical realism! Grade: A
And will you look at that! The World Surf League graduates with honors! Now back to cocaine.
Michael Kocher's younger brother lays a wreath....
If you have been here, to BeachGrit, more than five times then you will certainly remember the swinging prose of Michael Kocher. He blasted onto our little universe with stories about being a Marine and surfing and giving up surfing for drugs and getting spinal cancer. Turned out the spinal cancer bit was a scam but funny. Right? Or interesting at the very least. Sure he wrote bad junkie prose from time to time but overall Kocher was a fun part of our DNA. An interesting part. Last week he was gunned down by police in Denver for taking people hostage. Here his younger brother writes an obituary.
He was a very intelligent young boy, able to breeze through most academic challenges the schools could throw at him, excelling in math, language arts, history, and social studies, eventually earning his degree in political science while attending UAA. As a teenager he became interested in computer programming.
He was also a voracious reader, reading anything that piqued his interest, fiction or not. When he was younger (in middle and high school) he enjoyed reading Star Wars novels, something he passed on to me, but more than anything he loved the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, having read The Lord of the Rings trilogy dozens of times as well as every other work published by the man and also posthumous releases.
If you had a question about Middle Earth or the Star Wars Universe, he could talk at length about it or nearly anything else, as he had a memory like a steel trap. He had a boisterous personality from the very beginning and though he wasn’t always quick to agree, people usually found something about him that they liked or had in common and he made countless friends and acquaintances throughout his years and travels.
He was in JROTC in high school and always showed a great deal of respect for military service of which my family has contributed a fair amount. His greatest influence was probably his maternal grandfather, who served in World War II as a United States Marine. He joined the USMC and in 2006 at age 23 and made it through boot-camp despite a bout of pneumonia; He pushed through it, something for which he carried a great deal of pride.
Unfortunately, he was not prepared to handle some of what he witnessed in Syria and Iraq, and though his time there was mostly spent fixing radios and aiding the locals, the experience changed him. As the article in the Eagle River star reported, he reached out to friends and family for donations of soccer balls for the local children. He succeeded in gathering over 50 soccer balls and a Hand Pump. It was the most humanitarian/charitable thing he ever did.
He continued college after returning, but, despite earning his degree and being a Veteran, his search for gainful employment was met with one disappointment after another leaving him feeling downtrodden and hopeless at times. Much of his difficulty in life after that was tied to a recurring addiction various substances including alcohol and opiates, the toll of which seems to have ultimately lead to his demise.
During this time he did some things he regretted and had intended to rectify in his life. His family, friends, and those that worked and served with him will remember him as intelligent and passionate with a personality that could fill a room. He loved surfing, having surfed Yakutat, Alaska and the California coast and revered the works of Allan C. Weisbecker who wrote In Search of Captain Zero was his and my mom’s favorite book. Jack Kerouac was also a favorite author of Michael’s who always had a romantic and poetic outlook on life. He wasn’t one to let obstacles dictate his path and usually found a way to achieve what he wanted in life.
His greatest downfall, perhaps, was expecting too much from himself and the world…
I remember when I thought everything I loved was owned by benevolent elderly men (or women) much like Willy Wonka. There he (or she) toiled, building magical products for us to enjoy. There he (or she) put his name on the seal and it was his. And it was mine.
But then I grew and realized this is a world of S-Corps and C-Corps and holding companies and offshoring and onshoring and hedge funds and junk bonds and conglomerates and DBAs and… ummmm… I didn’t major in business but also didn’t need to.
This cruel world slapped the Willy Wonka from my dreams and taught me that everything we see is smoke. Is mirrors.
Boardriders, Inc. is simply the new parent company name of Quiksilver, Roxy and DC. It ain’t sexy and the brand should have never issued a press release that found its way to our starry-eyed little man but… I guess now’s as good a time as any to break the tough news.
Michael… Santa don’t exist and Donald J. Trump is President of the United States of America. It’s a hard hard hard world.