If you cry at little things, it's Gabriel Medina!
If you surf twice a year, Kelly Slater!
Who knew your favourite surfer could reveal so
much! Just as riding a Firewire signals you are a
stay-at-home dad with a bar fridge full of Pepsi Cola and a 1 TB
hard-drive full of she-male porn, your choice of surfer determines
your style of clothes, your style of living, even your moral
framework.
But enough chatter! Prise the curtain open, maestro!
Kelly Slater: Let us get the obvious out
of the way first. You’re at least 40, you’ve only surfer once or
twice a year for the last ten years but you still tell everyone in
your office that you’re a surfer, big
time. You’re the kind of person that just doesn’t know
when to quit because you’ve convinced yourself that you will
somehow go out on top no matter how long you wait. You
love OuterKnown because you still wear nothing but Quiksilver
t-shirts and too baggy jeans, or boardshorts, every weekend.
Gabriel Medina: Who knew eyebrows and body hair
could become such a fixation? You jerk a shaver violently over your
body each morning, and each night, and trained beauticians arrange
the curve in your brow bi-weekly. Sometimes little things make you
cry.
Mick Fanning: You believe in honesty, in
your surfing, in your relationships, in life. It’s a man,
his dog, his jetski, and mateships sealed in beer,
occasional cross-dressing and public nudity. You believe all men
are equal but this hasn’t come easy nor at minimal cost.
Gabriel Medina: Who knew eyebrows and body
hair could become such a fixation? You jerk a shaver violently over
your body each morning, and each night, and trained beauticians
arrange the curve in your brow bi-weekly. Sometimes little things
make you cry.
Alex Knost: You believe the seventies were
a utopia of droopy hair, droopy brown tits wrapped in knit bikinis
and tanker single-fins. You enjoy Peter Pan and like to re-enact
the battles of the lost boys, pirates and Indians.
John John Florence: You are either very
young and love the fact that one of your peers as a world
title or you’re a middle-aged woman who still remembers the
little towhead from Highwater and all those
magazine features. There’s also the outlier possibility that you’re
a creepy old dude and think that liking JJF will somehow lead to
relations with Alex. Regardless, you’re the kind of person who
likes fresh, new, things and buys into the idea that John John
becoming a prodigy was simply a happy accident and not the
maneuvering of a not-quite-so-laidback mother taking advantage of
proximity to all that surfing knowledge.
Dion Agius: You’re such an adorable
little hipster. All your music comes on vinyl and all your
photos come from 1980’s Russian film cameras. You refuse to watch
the WSL for being too corporate and you think your hero, Dion
Agius, is a sellout for attending Surfer Poll, regardless of how
awesome you think Xanax is. Even though he is your favorite you
still consider yourself to be better dressed, better exposed to
music, and in general more cultured. You claim to have been a fan
of Dion before anyone else outside of France.
The Hobgoods: You’re a redneck, a bogan, a
chigger. You come from a working-class background, from a
working-class region of your country and you think of yourself as a
good ol’ boy. You have simple tastes in beer, food, music, movies
and life in general. You’re always happy, you can have fun
anywhere, and you own a 4×4 vehicle that you actually take offroad.
You’re polite, you always respect your elders and you have zero in
common with Dion Agius’s fans.
Makuakai or Koa Rothman: At some point in
the last year you really fucked up and said the wrong thing, within
hearing of the wrong person, and you live on the North Shore. In
order to hide what you said, or did, wrong, you coat yourself in
the camouflage of being Makua, or Koa’s, biggest fan. You even have
downloads of Makua’s music constantly blasting from whatever
speakers are near you. Even if you’re just walking down Ke Nui you
play the music through your shitty smartphone speakers. You used to
be a Mick Fanning fan and probably own a Micktory shirt.
Jamie O’Brien: Who is JOB? Only the
coolest freaking dude in the world, says you. You love to party and
you love anything that gives you a rush of adrenaline and dopamine.
You grew up with some hook that made people want to be around and
so you’ve been used to crowds of people your entire life. You make
friends easily and sometimes you take advantage of that by abusing
those friends and making them do really stupid things to entertain
yourself. You love Jamie for constantly pushing the boundaries of
what is possible at Pipeline and can’t wait for him to switch from
a boogie to a SUP to a hydrofoil to body surfing and back again all
while pounding a Red Bull and operating a GoPro.
Dane Reynolds: You’re Californian, or at
least you pretend and act like you are, and that means you’re
laidback, you’re chill, and you’re super easy to get along with. If
you’re married with kids then your wife is beautiful and your kids
are great. If you’re not, you could be but you’re waiting for the
right woman to come along. You’re extremely good at what you do but
because you’re not flashy and in-your-face about it people
sometimes forget just how good you really are. Whatever your field,
you constantly push the boundaries of what is possible regardless
of any personal changes that may have happened.
Sunny Garcia/Kala Alexander/Dustin
Barca: You’re honestly a bigger fan of UFC than
surfing these days, which is why you love guys who can charge on a
wave or in an alley. You never actually enjoy yourself surfing
because you’re too busy watching for any perceived slight that
gives you a chance to try and point someone to shore so you get to
hit someone. You spend a lot of time watching YouTube videos of
surfer fights and even if you live somewhere like Oregon, Maine,
British Columbia, Alaska, or anywhere that has completely
un-crowded lineups, you still try and police visitors like you’re
1970’s era Da Hui. You’re actually very unhappy and wish that
people would stop thinking of you as nothing but a thug.
A note on Michael Kocher:
Michael is a former marine and writer for BeachGrit who
was killed in a police shootout four days
ago. This is a repeat of a story that appeared two
years ago.
