Damn it: Tell me where to hide!

My enemies are mounting a furious attack. Help!

Things are getting serious. I’ve got Rip Curl trying to dislodge me from my current hiding place (Cardiff-by-the-Sea) and Stab magazine’s Sam McIntosh coming after me too very angry at the continual fun-making. Livid, in fact, with a frowny face and a bag full of Morgan Williamson adjectives that he’s flinging like adjectives grow on trees. Adjectives like “clotheshorse” “WeedMaps” and “group hug.”

“Stop!” I yell as a whole sentence “The weekend was a kick-back filled with beautiful people, in an enchanting location overlooking a lake and mountainside.” whizzes past my ear.

But I know Sam McIntosh won’t. He is livid with a frowny face and Rip Curl right in front of him with beige boardshorts so I need to hide and I need you. Karl Von Fanningstadt smartly suggested that I hide in Martin Potter’s tooth gap but the bags of cocaine I’m carrying won’t fit there.

Which leaves me with the following options:

n) Where Graham Stapelberg hid before Eddie Rothman slapped him in the Billabong North Shore A-Team house

o) Ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker’s career

p) Scientology’s Celebrity Centre off Yucca and Franklin in Los Angeles

q) Luke Davis’s natural hair color

r) FCS II’s screw hole

s) SurfStitch’s stock numbers

t) Wherever SurfStitch’s Justin Cameron has gone

u) Fox’s sexual harassment hotline

v) Ocean Pacific

w) The truth about Owen Wright

x) Page 335 of Matt Warshaw’s History of Surfing (buy here!)

y) Samsung Galaxy phones (the ones that explode)

z) Between two cases of Michelob Ultra


Watch: Nervous Laughter!

Albee Layer and pals show you Jaws!

When plus sized swells are forecasted at your local break does your heart leap or does it sink? Do you love paddling through mountains of whitewash or do you prefer to reach the lineup with hair still dry? Are you a big wave gal or a 3-4 footer?

Me? I prefer head high plus a smidge but not double. I’ll paddle if I have to, if there are men on the beach looking at me or if I’m with friends but I am not thrilled about the situation.

And there is something about my own lack of thrill once the water starts towering that makes me love Albee Layer and friends’ latest film Nervous Laughter. It chronicles the lives of those who surf Jaws, why they do it, how they do it, etc. It seems like madness to me. Like sheer madness. Like the out of control madness in Laird Hamilton’s eyes but that’s what makes it a wonderful film. It is a world I’ll only know through them and, frankly, a world I only want to know through them.

The whole film is very much worth buying (on iTunes). Watch it with your friends before heading out to Suck Outs and packing mini closeout barrels! Who will win the day? Whoever has the intestinal fortitude.

No guts, no glory as they say.


I see you!
I see you!

Oh how we adore Caio Ibelli!

TourNotes: The Feel-Good Edition!

Peter King has done it again!

The 2017 Rip Curl Pro Bells was a thing of beauty. Solid surf, huge performances, and a Fantasy win made it my favorite event of the season. Little did I know Peter King was about to push me to new emotional levels via his behind-the-scenes escapades on TourNotes.

This edition is one of my favorites to date. It’s got everything from comedy to action to women’s rights to tears of joy to a Nik Karol cameo.

Some highlights include:

– John’s golf skills. Impressively bad for an athlete of his pedigree.

– Simpo displaying his most impressive talent — commentary! Seriously WSL, lock this guy up before he has to start sweeping floors at the Hurley.

– Coco rousting the men, and the WSL, in regards to the wave quality for their day one performances (the girls accidentally scored while the guys dealt with chest-high blah).

– A teary-eyed Caio calling his dad pre-final. My heart, it melts!

– Nick Carroll! Is that face chiseled from marble or granite?

Sit back and enjoy!

Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian Assange as Chas Smith is headed for jail. Help!
Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian Assange as Chas Smith is headed for jail. Help!

Help: Tell me where to hide!

Rip Curl is coming after me! I need advice!

When I’m out on my veranda and the sun is setting, casting a luscious light that filters through palm and jacaranda, I feel like I’m Julian Assange. The founder of WikiLeaks with his luxurious head of blonde(?) hair and website that publishes the deepest darkest secrets of the political world is currently holed up in London’s Ecuadorian embassy and don’t you imagine they have palm and jacaranda there? Don’t you feel he is very pleased with himself?

I am very pleased with myself when I publish Focus Group Creates Surf Brand. Names it Vissla and Rebellion: Rip Curl is Boring and Dull and Surf Ethics: Outing Mick’s Wave! because I am publishing the deepest darkest secrets of the surf world and currently holed up in San Diego’s Cardiff-by-the-Sea.

Same same.

But word just came down that the United States of America is set to oust Assange from his Cardiff-by-the-Sea and arrest him.

Oh shit!

Do you think Rip Curl will try and do that to me?

If they do where should I go next?

a) Hurley’s Costa Mesa office complex

b) Nigeria

c) Dave Prodan’s World Surf League Santa Monica office

d) A shark’s mouth in Reunion Island

e) Negatron’s New Zealand love retreat

f) Jamie O’Brien’s house (again)

g) Under the World Surf League coffee table

h) Mexico

i) Between Morgan Williamson’s adjectives

j) Where Martin Potter stores his enthusiasm

k) Torquay

l) The Billabong boardshort aisle at Jack’s surfshop in Huntington

m) Surfer magazine’s “subscriber” numbers


Would you have the gumption to turn and burn?

Watch: Welcome to Barrel Heaven!

Aritz and friends find the Indian Ocean sphincter!

You know the type of waves I like — looney toobs with minimal chance of death or dismemberment. That’s why this video, a short film about Aritz Aranburu and friends at Lagundri Bay, stood out to me. Nias is barrel heaven, as it radiates the ideal amount of fear-inducing power and wave-of-your-life potential.

The clip starts by chronicling the small days in anticipation of a major swell. Aritz and Leo are ripping, snagging a few clean tubs, but it’s clearly just a crescendo for the impending storm. The video starts to peak around the halfway point when the waves hit six-to-eight feet, and it doesn’t look back from there.

But this made me think, wouldn’t it be nice if swells came up as slowly as they died off? It seems that in most corners of the world, swells fill in quickly, with the first day of waves being the strongest, and then slowly back off over the following 72 hours.

And how stressful is that? The waves go from 0-100 overnight, and it takes a certain type of person to be prepared for it.

Usually by the end of the big day you start to build a little confidence, but by that time the sun has nearly set and the biggest, best waves of the swell have come to pass. Then you spend the next few days surfing the dying end of the swell, just wishing you could have the big day back as your confidence has finally peaked.

In a perfect world, swells would come up slowly and steadily over a three day period. Then, when your balls are hanging at a sufficient depth, the waves would max-out and you’d capitalize on the peak of the swell instead of shitting yourself in the channel.

Anyways, enjoy the clip! It’s the best barrel-riding you’ll see this week.