Danger: A new menace lurks beneath!

Are you ready to get grabbed by the pussy?

It is the first day of proper warm weather and you smile as you grab your board, leaving your wetsuit bunched in the corner. The chill is gone. You whistle as you walk to the beach which is already crowded with early season sun seekers. The lineup is crowded too with steady 3-4 foot swells pulsing from a distant southern storm. Warm. But you are too filled with joy to even be slightly bummed.

You jump in and your whole body feels lubed. Loose. Unrestricted.

After only three duck dives you are where you want to be and sit on your board, squirting water out of your hands while you wait for your wave.

Suddenly and without warning you feel something around your buttocks. A fish? Seaweed? No. It must be your imagination so you ignore. But then it starts probing, searching. Seductively. Sensually.

You spin around and look down expecting to see a small piece of driftwood but there, swimming beneath you with one arm outstretched and one finger wandering through your boardshorts is a foreign boy and suddenly your whole world collapses.

The horror. The horror.

And if you think the above is only fiction then get ready for a rude awakening. Sharks are no longer our biggest potential danger. A foreign molesting boy is and he is unjailed and ready to mingle! Let’s read about him in the Brisbane Times!

A Victorian teenager who groped several woman in the surf at a Gold Coast beach has avoided conviction.

The boy, who was born overseas and whose actual age is unknown owing to a lack of records, pleaded guilty to nine counts of sexual assault and three counts of common assault at a Children’s Court hearing at Southport on Wednesday.

He has been placed on a two-year probation order for what Judge David Kent described as “serious” offences.

The court heard the boy touched eight women aged between 15 and 24 in the surf at Surfers Paradise beach on January 12, 2016.

Prosecutor Nicholas McGhee told the court the assaults variously included the boy touching his victims’ buttocks, vaginas and breasts, sometimes under their bikinis.

Mr McGhee said after raising the alarm with a local lifeguard, several of the women identified the boy in the water swimming behind other complainants in “quite a predatory manner”.

“People should enjoy the right to have fun at the beach without being sexually assaulted or assaulted by a stranger,” Mr McGhee said.

Judge Kent ordered the boy to undergo a “positive sexuality” course as part of his probation and said while his immersion in a new culture partially explained his actions, it didn’t absolve him.

“This is obviously unacceptable behaviour but it is also criminal behaviour,” he said.

“Your behaviour had significant impact on at least two of the complainants.

“The impacts on them have been considerable.”

Now let’s play a fun game! Which country is the foreign boy from (and remember “foreign” to Australia)? I put five dollars on Saudi Arabia. Or li’l Barron Trump.

Surf Quiz: What Would You Do?

Man attempts your decapitation in the surf. Blames you. Your response?

Had a little dispute in the surf today. A scenario so outrageous I blew my top. Bared my teeth and strutted like a monkey. But, unlike most cases of chop-suey, I didn’t exit the stage pounding with adrenalin and awash with the usual feelings of shame or vows to seek anger management.

As Dylan Thomas once wrote, “When one burns one’s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.”

This was righteous. Or maybe I’m wrong. You tell me.

Scenario #1

Clean three-foot runners off a mid-tide bank. Crowded but it ain’t out of control. You’re in a good mood so you wait your turn with what is probably uncharacteristic patience. Ten minutes into sesh, you grab your first wave. It grips the bank and you spiral down the line. Thirty yards later a not-very-good surfer spins, drops in, falls off and you collide. Boards tangled etc.

You come up, and again with what is probably uncharacteristic patience, decide that this world is too precious to sully with fighting and yelling. You grab your board and paddle away without saying a word. Suddenly, you hear the drop-in guy bark, “Sorry for crashing into you but you should have yelled out.” He is examining his 7s carbon-vector construction Super Fish for possible damage.

You find the scenario so difficult to comprehend your patience evaporates. What would you do?

Scenario #2

Fifteen minute after the collision, and after a reasonably hot discussion, you’re describing what happened to a pal. You see in the distance the the 7 carbon-vector construction Super Fish owner shaking his head at you. You paddle very fast to the shaking head. He reiterates his position that it is the surfer on the inside who takes all responsibility for a collision.

What would you do?

Just in: Stab wants to give you money!

Riches set to pour from Venice-adjacent location II!

Do you ever go to the “about” section of websites. Oh what wonders abound therein! The amount of time and thought put in is absolutely palpable. Grown men sitting around a circular conference table asking, “But does it speak to our core demo?” etc. Truly amazing and Stab’s may be the most amazing of all. I went there for the first time today and read…

Surfing ain’t long-hairs and doobie-suckers no more. Surfing is suited-and-booted stockbrokers. It’s university students who’ve smelt the roses and don’t swallow the evening news. It’s just-18-year-olds whose trunks end above the knee. Surfing is beavertails and logs and empowered women who ain’t adverse to a Brazilian cut, but it’s also 540s and double oops. Right now, surfing is goddamn hot and, most of all, inspired.

Long-hairs and doobie-suckers! Like they channeled a knock-off Derek Rielly circa 2004! And do you think Stab ever gets tired of channeling a knock-off Derek Rielly circa 2004? Do you ever think the grown men sitting around their new Venice adjacent location II circular conference table ask, “Does this faux Derek Rielly voice circa 2004 still fit our global vision?”

Maybe but maybe also they don’t care and you shouldn’t care because SurfStitch bought the site for a cool 10 mil last-ish year and now owner Sam McIntosh wants to pass the earnings on to you! Let us continue in their “about” section…

Stab celebrates the champagne end of the spectrum. Got a 720 in your sights? You’re our man. We’ll even gift you cash to make it happen. Trading up flat-spins for their inverted cousin? Take page one. Whether it’s hiring a chopper and shooting Taj Burrow from the Angle of God (issue one), or throwing a blindfolded Bruce Irons over the ledge at Chopes (issue 56), Stab‘s driven by the search for an answer to the question: How sumptuous can surfing be?

Did you catch that? “Got a 720 in your sights? You’re our man. We’ll even gift you cash to make it happen. How sumptuous can surfing be?

What does that mean? How much cash to make it happen? When and where? On what sort of craft? Our own Michael Ciaramella just stuck a superman and the swell + wind is supposed to be perfect for airs all week in Cardiff-by-the-Sea.

Michael? You got this? Make it pay!

Local bodyboarder kid? How hard could it be!

Film: Surfing’s Greatest Comedy!

Give them your money!

Do you remember 2016? A time when Rory Parker was your favorite surf writer and the EPA foolishly assumed its role was important to the American populace? Man, that was forever ago.

Another good thing about 2016 was that Freezing, a short surf-comedy, was presented to the world. It was praised by BeachGrit, Surfer Mag, Matt Warshaw and deservedly so. You can rewatch that hereand enjoy their showreel below!

Well it turns out 2017 isn’t all bad. I’ve just received word from Jeremy Joyce, one of Freezing‘s creators, that the comedic team at Two Eyes Film is set to create a new short — The Outrider — this June. The premise is as follows…

In 1979, North Shore shaper, Mike Strident shaped the most radical board ever ridden – “The Outrider”. Strident’s single fin design changed the game and took him to the very pinnacle of professional wave riding. But then “The Thruster” happened.

Made irrelevant over night by the three-fin movement, Strident’s shaping genius was lost to the dark shadows of the 80’s.
But 40 years later, snake-hipped Californian free surfer, Tommy Tonata is trying to revive “The Outrider” on the point breaks of Malibu and wants Strident to shape him a new board. But Strident would rather stab his eyes out with a spoon.

A surfer and a shaper from totally different eras go face to face; featuring Baja acid trips, talk-show melt downs, surf sequences scored by Tonata’s power axe, karate kick offs in the shaping bay and surfboard design head butts – it’s a comedy.

Oh but, that’s not all… these boys have grand aspirations!

The Outrider is a 26min standalone short film but it is also the pilot for our series “Inside The Ride”.

Our dream is to make a comedy series populated with a whole universe of characters from the surfing psyche. It’s about time surfing films had a mockumentary makeover. These are films for surfers so we are here to ask you to help us make Episode 1… “The Outrider”

Something to be excited about? Only if you’re willing to dish out some dead prez paper! The boys at Two Eyes are currently seeking £10,000 to make the film, which will be shot in Carlsbad, California in one short month.

If you liked Freezing or any of their other stuff, please feel obliged to donate here. It’s for all of us!

Wealthy commentators: for those of you who think you’ve got some writing chops, $250 gets you a line in the film. Anything your twisted little minds can think of, two-fitty will have it become part of surf history.

Poor bastards: $10 gets you a year-early screening of the film. No brainer!

Mercedes-Benz: Sleep, train, surf!

Is jiu-jitsu a vital component of modern surfing?

Do you do jiu-jitsu? Make jiu-jitsu? Rolling? Is that what jiu-jitsu artists call it when they train? Like, do you call your jiu-jitsu artist buddy and say, “Hey bro, wanna do some rolling with me?” Am I getting the verbiage right?

Whatever the case, jiu-jitsu has become such a major component of surfing in the past few years. Even Kelly Slater goes into the dojo to do some rolling though King Dojo Joel Tudor completely disagrees with Slater’s belt color. And lashes out to let the world know.

Real quick, is the place where you do jiu-jitsu rolling called a dojo? A temple? A set? Is the costume called a costume? A kit? Gi? Ghee?

Oh I’m sorry that I keep getting caught up in the morphology. Forgive!

What I’m trying to get at is the close relationship between jiu-jitsu and surfing is so close that Mercedes-Benz can make a gorgeous commercial utilizing both, plus the new German flag and Nazaré and nobody blinks an eye.

It makes perfect sense to roll around on the floor, getting bent and contorted etc. for those surfing big waves. It must give incredible advantage whilst being near-drowned. But what about surfing small-ish waves? Does jiu-jitsu provide great tools for surfing them too? Should jiu-jitsu be as much a part of my routine as drinking booze and making fun of other surfers?