Film: Surfing’s Greatest Comedy!

Michael Ciaramella

By

Give them your money!

Do you remember 2016? A time when Rory Parker was your favorite surf writer and the EPA foolishly assumed its role was important to the American populace? Man, that was forever ago.

Another good thing about 2016 was that Freezing, a short surf-comedy, was presented to the world. It was praised by BeachGrit, Surfer Mag, Matt Warshaw and deservedly so. You can rewatch that here, and enjoy their showreel below!

Well it turns out 2017 isn’t all bad. I’ve just received word from Jeremy Joyce, one of Freezing‘s creators, that the comedic team at Two Eyes Film is set to create a new short — The Outrider — this June. The premise is as follows…

In 1979, North Shore shaper, Mike Strident shaped the most radical board ever ridden – “The Outrider”. Strident’s single fin design changed the game and took him to the very pinnacle of professional wave riding. But then “The Thruster” happened.

Made irrelevant over night by the three-fin movement, Strident’s shaping genius was lost to the dark shadows of the 80’s.
But 40 years later, snake-hipped Californian free surfer, Tommy Tonata is trying to revive “The Outrider” on the point breaks of Malibu and wants Strident to shape him a new board. But Strident would rather stab his eyes out with a spoon.

A surfer and a shaper from totally different eras go face to face; featuring Baja acid trips, talk-show melt downs, surf sequences scored by Tonata’s power axe, karate kick offs in the shaping bay and surfboard design head butts – it’s a comedy.

Oh but, that’s not all… these boys have grand aspirations!

The Outrider is a 26min standalone short film but it is also the pilot for our series “Inside The Ride”.

Our dream is to make a comedy series populated with a whole universe of characters from the surfing psyche. It’s about time surfing films had a mockumentary makeover. These are films for surfers so we are here to ask you to help us make Episode 1… “The Outrider”

Something to be excited about? Only if you’re willing to dish out some dead prez paper! The boys at Two Eyes are currently seeking £10,000 to make the film, which will be shot in Carlsbad, California in one short month.

If you liked Freezing or any of their other stuff, please feel obliged to donate here. It’s for all of us!

Wealthy commentators: for those of you who think you’ve got some writing chops, $250 gets you a line in the film. Anything your twisted little minds can think of, two-fitty will have it become part of surf history.

Poor bastards: $10 gets you a year-early screening of the film. No brainer!

Mercedes-Benz: Sleep, train, surf!

Chas Smith

By

Is jiu-jitsu a vital component of modern surfing?

Do you do jiu-jitsu? Make jiu-jitsu? Rolling? Is that what jiu-jitsu artists call it when they train? Like, do you call your jiu-jitsu artist buddy and say, “Hey bro, wanna do some rolling with me?” Am I getting the verbiage right?

Whatever the case, jiu-jitsu has become such a major component of surfing in the past few years. Even Kelly Slater goes into the dojo to do some rolling though King Dojo Joel Tudor completely disagrees with Slater’s belt color. And lashes out to let the world know.

Real quick, is the place where you do jiu-jitsu rolling called a dojo? A temple? A set? Is the costume called a costume? A kit? Gi? Ghee?

Oh I’m sorry that I keep getting caught up in the morphology. Forgive!

What I’m trying to get at is the close relationship between jiu-jitsu and surfing is so close that Mercedes-Benz can make a gorgeous commercial utilizing both, plus the new German flag and Nazaré and nobody blinks an eye.

It makes perfect sense to roll around on the floor, getting bent and contorted etc. for those surfing big waves. It must give incredible advantage whilst being near-drowned. But what about surfing small-ish waves? Does jiu-jitsu provide great tools for surfing them too? Should jiu-jitsu be as much a part of my routine as drinking booze and making fun of other surfers?

Help!

The Nickies: Surf Website Awards!

Chas Smith

By

It's the greatest night of the year!

(Camera pans around a 1/4 full high school cafeteria. Men featuring varying degrees of decay sit uncomfortably on folding chairs. One wears a freshly pressed Micktory t-shirt. A handful sport AI Forever trucker hats. The host steps to a makeshift stage covered in LEUS towels wearing a Sharp Eye hat, Lost hoodie and Banks Brand trunks with the “Banks Brand” scribbled out with permanent marker. He takes the mic.)

And it that time of year, once again, for the Nickies with all their pomp and circumstance. Their soaring heights and crushing lows. This night we celebrate the best amongst us. This night we celebrate those with highest honor doled out to surf specific websites named after the greatest surf journalist to ever live, Nick Carroll.

(robust applause)

Where would we be without Nick Carroll?

(The host gestures to a muscle man in the audience wearing vintage Quiksilver and reading a brochure for a long distance paddle race. More robust applause as he mouths “thank you fucking cunts”)

So without further ado please turn your attention to the video screen for this year’s nominees…

(The host gestures to an old television being rolled in on a cart. After 20 minutes of fumbling with wires etc. the VHS deck whirs to life and a low-production presentation fills the screen set to a Pennywise soundtrack)

In the “Best Presentation of a Live Surf Contest” category we have:

The World Surf League’s phone app

The Bud Light Lime surf series from 2011 on YouTube

“Best Feature of Mom/Daughter Softcore Pore”

Stab

“Best Surf Website that is Venice-Adjacent”

Stab

The Inertia

“Best Surf Website with a Writer Dying by Cop”

BeachGrit

“Best Surf Website to Never Get Read”

Surf Europe

ESPN surf

“Best Surf Scandal covered by a Surf Website”

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board at Margaret River on Stab

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board at Margaret River on The Inertia

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Waves

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Surfline

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on BeachGrit

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on FCS’s website

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Surfer

Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Magic Seaweed

(The TV screen goes black. The host comes back up to the LEUS stage awkwardly this time wearing a Hurley shirt and Hurley Phantom trunks)

Technology. Am I right?

(Even more robust applause)

I forgot to save the rest of the categories before coming here today. That’s a WordPress joke…

(The most robust applause. Nick Carroll has even put down his brochure for a long distance paddling race and is cheering)

…so we’ll pick this up tomorrow. Goodnight and good luck.

(The surf journalists stumble out of the high school cafeteria depressed and frustrated. Nothing happened yesterday for them to write about. Nothing happened today save Kelly Slater buying a house on the North Shore and it has already been covered by Stab)

 

Hear me roar!

Just in: I Am Superman!

Michael Ciaramella

By

So easy a writer can do it!

In my mind, this project was going to be a true test of character. There’d be copious amounts of blood, sweat, and tears alongside broken boards and lacerated ankles. The path would be difficult, but victory so, so sweet.

I wish I could say this without sounding like a total douche, but I landed a superman on my second try. I know I said they were easy, but I honestly didn’t expect this result. Let me explain how it happened.

I paddled out to my local reef around eight AM. Due to a blustery south wind, which is considered “devil wind” by Morgan Dunn and Inertia co. but “air wind” to the rest of us, the lineup was empty. A mid-period northwest had graced our shores overnight resulting in wedgy right-handers that sprinted into the oncoming gales. In other words, a perfect aerial storm.

My first attempt was on a smaller wave. I got the pop, grab, and a little bit of extension, but by the time I tried to throw it back under me I had already descended past the point of possibility. I landed butt-first on my board and bounced around in the whitewash for a few seconds.

A failure, yes, but I did note how simple it had been to extract and replace the board underneath me. The wind helped tremendously as it kept the board close without much effort on my end. I figured if I could just get a little higher, there was a decent chance I’d be able to pull it off.

A few waves later I locked into a chunky double-up. It had that second-wave-of-the-set texture and girth, with a big side-wedge forming down the line. I’d estimate about head-high on takeoff.

It took only two pumps before I reached the ramp and was soaring (no more than two feet but certainly no less than one) above the lip with feet (slightly) disconnected from my board. I don’t have any photographic evidence, but for a realistic depiction, imagine a man using a grab bar to support himself whilst hovering over a toilet.

At that point I started my descent and threw the board haphazardly beneath my feet. Just before impact I released the grab and landed squarely atop the lip. Out of fear I leaned back slightly, but the explosion pushed me back over my board and within two seconds I had ridden past the whitewater.

This superman was more of a Clark Kent but dammit it was a make, even by WSL standards.

After landing I went straight for a few seconds, scouting my surroundings for any witnesses, but the old lady on the stairs looked entirely disinterested. I laughed to myself and paddled back out.

Believe me, I feel like the biggest piece of shit for even telling this story, but what am I gonna do, pretend it didn’t happen? On the bright side, this event has inspired me to try other new shit, because why not!

I think I’ll go for a Passion Pop next and then maybe cocaine. Will anyone here ‘fess up to the merits of prostate stimulation? I’m open to anything!

SUP: The worst ever surf derivative?

Chas Smith

By

If I had to either SUP or not surf again I would not surf again.

The first time I ever saw a stand-up paddleboard was on the North Shore of Hawaii back in the winter of 2006. I was staying in a home just down the road from Waimea and there was some wave far out the back. It looked maybe fun but also far. Next to the home was a monstrous looking flat boat, maybe fifteen feet and five inches thick, with full deck traction and only one paddle.

I asked the owner, “What sort of boat is this and why does it only have one paddle?”

He said, “It is not a boat it’s a surfboard. A stand-up paddleboard. You stand up and paddle.”

I asked if I could stand up and paddle to the wave breaking on a reef out the back and he said, “Sure.”

A few minutes later I was dragging one of the heaviest things I had ever lifted down to the beach. An hour after that, sweaty and sore (sorry for the “soar.” What a blunder!), I was standing up and paddling out to sea. It wasn’t so difficult, just slightly awkward and not very fun but I was committed and soon reached the wave. It was a hollow little thing breaking over very shallow reef. I paddled into position and took off. I kind of bottom turned, mowed down the line then got too high and dropped onto the rocks.

Ouch!

Worse, the thing was attached to my leg and weighed more than me so continued to drag me across the shoal. When I finally collected myself and took inventory I discovered bloody hip, top of foot and elbow plus a half broken fin on the vessel. It was at that moment that I understood the stand-up paddleboard to be the worst ever derivative of the surfboard and have glared at every one that passes me on either road or out at sea.

The SUP has been around now for a while and continues evolving. From SUP yoga to The Inertia to a SUP rowboat. It has finally found its other paddle.

But am I wrong? Do you think there is a worse derivation of surfing?

Maybe high performance longboarding?

Which is worse, the SUP or high performance longboarding?

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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