It's the greatest night of the year!
(Camera pans around a 1/4 full high school cafeteria. Men featuring varying degrees of decay sit uncomfortably on folding chairs. One wears a freshly pressed Micktory t-shirt. A handful sport AI Forever trucker hats. The host steps to a makeshift stage covered in LEUS towels wearing a Sharp Eye hat, Lost hoodie and Banks Brand trunks with the “Banks Brand” scribbled out with permanent marker. He takes the mic.)
And it that time of year, once again, for the Nickies with all their pomp and circumstance. Their soaring heights and crushing lows. This night we celebrate the best amongst us. This night we celebrate those with highest honor doled out to surf specific websites named after the greatest surf journalist to ever live, Nick Carroll.
Where would we be without Nick Carroll?
(The host gestures to a muscle man in the audience wearing vintage Quiksilver and reading a brochure for a long distance paddle race. More robust applause as he mouths “thank you fucking cunts”)
So without further ado please turn your attention to the video screen for this year’s nominees…
(The host gestures to an old television being rolled in on a cart. After 20 minutes of fumbling with wires etc. the VHS deck whirs to life and a low-production presentation fills the screen set to a Pennywise soundtrack)
In the “Best Presentation of a Live Surf Contest” category we have:
The World Surf League’s phone app
The Bud Light Lime surf series from 2011 on YouTube
“Best Feature of Mom/Daughter Softcore Pore”
“Best Surf Website that is Venice-Adjacent”
“Best Surf Website with a Writer Dying by Cop”
“Best Surf Website to Never Get Read”
“Best Surf Scandal covered by a Surf Website”
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board at Margaret River on Stab
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board at Margaret River on The Inertia
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Waves
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Surfline
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on BeachGrit
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on FCS’s website
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Surfer
Owen Wright’s FCS fin popping out of his board on Magic Seaweed
(The TV screen goes black. The host comes back up to the LEUS stage awkwardly this time wearing a Hurley shirt and Hurley Phantom trunks)
Technology. Am I right?
(Even more robust applause)
I forgot to save the rest of the categories before coming here today. That’s a WordPress joke…
(The most robust applause. Nick Carroll has even put down his brochure for a long distance paddling race and is cheering)
…so we’ll pick this up tomorrow. Goodnight and good luck.
(The surf journalists stumble out of the high school cafeteria depressed and frustrated. Nothing happened yesterday for them to write about. Nothing happened today save Kelly Slater buying a house on the North Shore and it has already been covered by Stab)