A "Choose your own Adventure!"
And when you were a scummy little ten-year-old did you, like me, sit in your school’s library and pour over the Choose Your Own Adventure books? Oh I loved them! I loved them so much!
For those who have never heard of the series, each page of the book ended with a choice and a different page in which to turn to for that choice to play out. The goal was to get to the end in some sort of victorious fashion. I would always end in a dungeon, or stranded, or with a broken arm. But then I would flip back and correct my course and eventually end in some sort of victorious fashion!
In any case, I never read a surf Choose Your Own Adventure so I decided to write one. Note your preference (A) or (B) in the comments and the most popular will take the day. Are you ready? Let’s begin…
You are asleep, snuggled deep into the folds of a Kelly Slater organic tide striped duvet that your mom bought on half-price special at Pottery Barn Teen. You were hyped at the time but a little bummed later when you Instagrammed yourself doing homework on your bed and the cute girl from geometry @luuucie.m commented “Ahhhhhhh your sisters room is super cute!!!”
A fan spins languidly above your head and the retro digital clock on your nightstand, next to a vase of flowers your mom put there, reads 5:30 A.M. but you have no clue because you are happily dreaming about Katie Perry’s boobies.
Posters featuring your favorite pro surfers Brett Simpson and John John Florence hang neatly on your walls. Your surfboard, a newer 5’4” Mayhem Scorcher, rests in the corner freshly waxed. It is what Kolohe Andino rides and you saw him, once, surfing T Street in San Clemente.
Suddenly, your door flies open and bangs the wall, jolting you awake. You rub your eyes and see your dad standing there he is…
a) A nice Newport Beach plastic surgeon
b) Mitchie Rollins.
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Double rat farts!!
When this is done, is the next thing fan fiction?
explains a lot… cursory google search led me back to this article.
The first two name change requests for the witness protection program were soundly rejected.
1.) Wave Tool
2.) Skeletor
a) the plastic surgeon has me intrigued.
If I was a plastic surgeon, I’d put squeaky toys in every breast implant.
Oh, you mean they don’t squeak like that always? So disappoint.
Disappointing indeed. My efforts to reproduce that squeak has only led to some painful chaffing.
Dad, is that you? With those gloves and the sick floater, it must be you!
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Bloodninja is it you?
Im going A. Thats how My Dad paid for this kind pad. Plus his money allows me to slack off and surf while my friends go get summer jobs at the “Fun Zone”. The rest of my free time is spent hanging at the local surf shops and tossing off.
b.) – because I can’t wait to find out what the fuck my dad Mitchie Rollins does for a living that he can afford to buy me a newer Mayhem Scorcher. Plus, I want to see if my pops is related to Henry Rollins cause if he is, that’s gonna get me mad pussy in high school.
Is a time machine part of the premise?
Can I submerge several small and possibly profitable companies with my insatiable demand for boardshorts to trade for weed ? Which suffers the most A) home shaper B) one West, xxzyxz ,azhiaziam,etc. C) end up being a shaper.
… your dad asks, “Son, which washed up pro do you prefer I hire as your surf coach?”
a) Sean Mattison b) Ian Kanga Cairns
At least Sean can make a decent surfboard. BTW, what ever happened to the growing fad of the knubster fin?
Does Sean actually make those boards? Or are they made by little hands far away? Sean’s Knubster was just an unoriginal gimmick pretty much like all of Von Sol.
Both valid points.
Sean does not make surfboards. He resells surfboards. Just like a surf shop with private label China boards. That’s all he learned at Surf Ride. Kelly Slater copied his business model. His boy Sean should be pissed.
hell no Kanga did the Wave Storm , the greatest selling surfboard in world , how dare you trivialize JOB’s best model nearly surfboard!
I like the premise. Let it flow!
Damn it! As far as I know neither of those guys is my dad – is there an option c?
Who the fuck is Mitchie Rollins?
Everyone wants to be a pro surfer until its time to do pro surfer shit.
Banging 3 girls at once until 4am and then having to wake up for a 8am heat is something my lazy work ethic could never reach. Hats off to those guys.
https://youtu.be/oAqWs-R0kGo