A fine documentary made by and starring Kelly
Slater…
Think about it. How often do you see Kelly
Slater really loosen up? How often do you hear him unholster
his thoughts without a feeling that it’s all part of a bigger
game?
In part one of a two-part documentary called
Continuance, we find Kelly, who has just turned
forty-five, warming up for the first event of the tour at
Snapper.
Cut to his Palm Beach apartment where he keeps a stash of world
title and, curiously, 2012-2013 runner-up trophies.
“Fricken Parko and Fanning, gotta have ’em on the Gold Coast,
right?” says Kelly.
Cut to a shaping bay with the Lennox Head surfboard shaper
Daniel Thomson talking board design.
“Everybody’s got a fucking opinion,” says Kelly.
Cut to new vision from the Surf Ranch.
“I wanted to make a wave that mixed Teahupoo with Kirra.”
Cut to talk about trying very hard to win a farewell world title
this year.
Cut to Slater, post-heat, and a forensic examination of how
his board looked.
The documentary was produced by Kelly, his OuterKnown
biz partner John Moore and Jeremy Groff, and made by Alek Parker
and Group Films.
Venice-adjacent mountain website, The Inertia,
founder Zach Weisberg finally speaks his mind!
I went to a surf party last night in Laguna
Beach and guess who was there? The famous cinematographer Eric
Brandt. And guess who else? The Inertia founder and
creative head Zach Weisberg.
The Zach Weisberg! From The Inertia!
And what are the odds? He came marching up to me with a forced
smile on his face, stuck out his very small hand and said, “I’m
Zach Weisberg.” And my heart soared. It is generally rare for
people, and especially people in the surf industry, to directly
approach their nemeses and I told Zach how happy I was at this
chance meeting.
He had a photographer there with him and I said, “We must
document this historic event.” He demurred with hurt feelings
written on his face and sadness in his eyes, telling his
photographer, “No. No pictures.”
I said, “Zach, this is your problem. You don’t have any fun. I
am very sorry that I am not at all sorry that I make sport out of
kicking your Inertia in its goads every chance I
get but if you would just respond we would all have a lot more
fun.”
He said, “What would we stand to gain from that? We would get
nothing out of the exchange.”
And this greatly confused me. “You would get fun!” I responded
though it was very clear our idea of fun was different.
The photographer stood to the side holding her camera with a
crestfallen half-grin on her face. I couldn’t tell if she felt
sorry for Zach or thought I was a dick but biting her tongue.
I continued, “Who do you think you are? The Washington
Post?The Inertia may be bigger than
BeachGrit but we are all tiny.”
He said, “But it would be like rewarding a bad dog… I’m sorry
you’re not a bad dog but…”
And I said, “Yes! I’m a very bad dog. Incorrigible even.
Responding may be the only thing that stops me though.”
He hemmed and hawed while I told him people don’t like The
Inertia because it is like rocking up to your favorite surf
spot and seeing a 30 student strong surf school on the sand doing
their warmups ready to paddle out on the back third of their foam
boards.
He seemed sad about this but then shared the most enlightening
thing, saying, “When I was at Surfer,The New
York Times was doing some stories on surf and it made me
frustrated because some of the information was off. I thought, ‘If
they’re going to do this they should do it right.’ So I called the
Times and got to an editor and told him that I was with
Surfer and they should use the magazine as a resource. The
editor, though, told me, ‘Who are you to define someone else’s surf
experience?’ And that was a great epiphany for me.”
I shrieked in horror. If a New York Times editor would
have asked me, “Who are you to define someone else’s surf
experience?” I would have slammed the phone down, gotten a plane,
flown to JFK, gotten in a cab and gone straight to the paper’s
Manhattan office. Once there I would find the editor, march up to
him, show him my neck tan and my baby pterygium and said, “I’m Chas
Smith. Who the hell are you?”
Surf culture is wonderful precisely because of its rigid
definitions. Its archaic rules. It bizarre nuance that we learn
over time. Its lineup etiquette. Its vocabulary. Its strut and its
silliness. Its hours and hours, years and years, spent sitting in
water. Paddling out in wind blown slop and pulling in to closeout
tubs. Everyone is invited but, like Hell’s Angels, everyone has to
get jumped in. We may be dumb, pointless, selfish, shallow and
generally worthless but we have spent our lives becoming these
things.
By removing any barrier to entry, by defining “surfer” as
broadly as “someone who has, at least once, either ridden something
in a body of water and/or thought about it” The Inertia
takes the joy out of belonging.
That’s why it is a piece of shit and Zach Weisberg knows it. An
indefensible piece of shit but God bless the man for having enough
intestinal fortitude to shake my hand.
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Watch: Goofies Fight to the Death!
By Michael Ciaramella
Survey at the end!
Do you like to frontside or backside?
I’d say the vast majority, maybe 80% of surfers worldwide would
prefer to be on their forehand. It makes sense — you can see the
wave better, there are more options in terms of maneuvers and, if
you’re that type of gal, the frontside bottom turn allows one to
show off her assets. Her Alana Blanchard!
But the backhand, oh she’s a dark power. More grunt than grace
but beautiful it’s nonetheless. All it takes is one heelside hanger
to make a believer out of me. In fact, I find it difficult to
imagine a simpler, more appealing turn than a backside vert. And
boy do the CT judges agree!
Recently Clay Marzo and Ramzi Boukhiam, two talented goofies
from half’a world apart, showed their hands.
Ramzi, hailing from Morocco, is a real motherfucker on the
backhand — like a tall Tom Carroll or a caramel Wiggolly Dantas.
This winter North Africa was hit with a few behemoth swells and
Ramzi shut the joint down. No-grab tubes were his go-to, but a few
of the turns in between will make you squeal like a pig. Please,
indulge!
Up next is Marzo. Maui’s greatest enigma is currently filming
for his second profile film, This Is Clay, which means
these clips are likely throwaways. Because of Clay’s immense
talent, the reel remains totally bonkers despite its B-grade
nature. Clay sticks to his beloved left-handers and gorges on a
platter of tubes, turns, and the odd slob. Watch!
Now the question: who did it better? Backside or front? Dark or
light? Quiksilver or JSLV?
I think Ramzi took this one, but only with the advantages of
wave quality and not withholding A-clips.
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Grom Abuse: Christian Fletcher Speaks!
By Michael Ciaramella
SoCal is hot right now!
After the whole London
incident, there’s been heaps of chatter about grom
abuse. What is acceptable, what isn’t, and why are these goddamn
kids so disrespectful?
Most people over forty believe that the hardened, hierarchical
surf culture of the seventies, eighties, and nineties
bred fairness and respect. Today, they argue, the promotion of
lineup equality has wreaked havoc on surf spots all around the
world, most notably Salt Creek and Lowers.
I took a
stance that doesn’t quite refute their overarching
sentiment, but more or less scolds old men who think it’s cool to
physically or emotionally assault a kid. Even if he’s being a
shit-head.
However, one voice has stood out above the rest, and it’s not
just because all his letters are big. The following has been
attributed to Christian Fletcher and reposted onto FB from
somewhere. Maybe the Stab comment section!
I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!
MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN FLETCHER AND SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE AHEAD OF
TIME BUT THIS HAS GONE ON TO LONG AND IF YOUR OFFENEDED BY IT GOOD
YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!!
FUCK LONDON FUCK HIS MOM AND FUCK IAN CAIRNS THEY CAN ALL EAT
A BAG OF DICKS.
IM SO TIRED OF THESE ENTITLED LITTLE LIMP WRISTED FUCKING PUSSIES
THEY DROP IN ON ME CRASH INTO ME AND THEN TELL ME “FUCK YOU LEAVE”
AND THEN I GO TO GRAB THEM AND THERE FRIEND START YELLING “FUCK YOU
HE IS ONLY 17 “SO I SAY “FUCK YOU I DONT GIVE A FUCK” AND THIS
HAPPENS KINDA REGULARLY TO ME AT MORE PLACES THAN JUST SALT
CREEK
MY DAD HAS DROPPED IN ON ME AND RAN ME OVER MY WHOLE LIFE AND IF HE
DIDNT RUN ME OVER ON THE WAVE HE WOULD RUN ME OVER WHILE I WAS
PADDLING OUT AND I THANK HIM FOR THAT CAUSE HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO
SURF WITH ANY CROWD
THEN GUYS LIKE Q -TIP WOULD BE YELLING BEAT IT GROM FROM THE WATER
WHILE I WOULD BE WALKING DOWN THE SAND DUNES THEN DROP IN ON ME AND
DING MY BRAND NEW BOARD AND YOU WHAT I DID ABOUT IT, I DIDNT DO
SHIT CAUSE THATS THE WAY IT GOES I WAS A KID AND I LEARNED RESPECT
AND THE KIDS NOW HAVE NONE SO FUCK THEM FUCK THIER PARENTS AND FUCK
THE POLICE FOR WASTING OUR HARD EARNED TAX DOLLARS THE MOM AND KID
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ARRESSTED FOR MAKING A FALSE CALL AND HAVE TO PAY
RESTITUTION FOR FOR IT AND IAN HAS DONE NOTHING BUT HOLD SURFING
BACK FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS ATLEAST HAHAHA HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HIM
TRY TO SURF IN THOSE 30YEARS WHAT A JOKE BIGGEST KOOK IN THE WATER
MY GRANDPA IS 85 AND STILL SURFS BETTER THAN IAN AND IAN IS YOUNGER
THAN MY DAD!!!
SO IM SORRY BUT ABOUT THE LANGUAGE BUT BUT ITS THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE
WILL UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUS THIS PROBLEM IS, EVEN AT TRESTLES THERE
IS PARENTS PUSHING THEIR 5YEAR OLD KIDS INTO WAVES IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE WHEN I WAS YOUNG KIDS WERE NOT ALLOWED TO SURF TRESTLES JUST
LIKE THEY SHOULD NOT PLAY KICKBALL ON THE FREEWAY
SO I SIT ON THE INSIDE AND DROP IN ON THEM SOMETIMES AS WELL
BECAUSE THIER PARENTS ARE TEACHING THEM WRONG FROM THE START SO I
FEEL INCLINED TO COUNTER ACT THAT BEHAVIOR RIGHT WHEN IT IS BEING
LEARNED!!!! GOOD JOB DIVEL AND I JUST MIGHT NEED SOME OF THAT
INSURANCE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT CAUSE IM NOT PUTTING UP WITH IT
AND JUST SO HAPPENS IANS KIDS FAVORITE SKATEBOARDER IS MY SON
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THATS WHAT I CALL KARMA
My ears are ringing but it’s imperative we analyze this
masterpiece!
First of all, poor Ian Cairns. “You surf worse than my grandpa”
is a pretty hard one to come back from. Maybe he just needs a
coach? What do you guys think? We could crowdfund and get him
surfing under Micro. They’ll be called Freak the Mighty
and will take the WSA Super-Senior division by storm!
Then there’s this quote:
MY DAD HAS DROPPED IN ON ME AND RAN ME OVER MY WHOLE LIFE
AND IF HE DIDNT RUN ME OVER ON THE WAVE HE WOULD RUN ME OVER WHILE
I WAS PADDLING OUT AND I THANK HIM FOR THAT CAUSE HE TAUGHT ME HOW
TO SURF WITH ANY CROWD
Having recently watched the
greatest surf film, Surf’s Up, Christian’s
anecdote couldn’t be more hilarious. If you haven’t seen (and you
must), the movie’s antagonist is an impeccably skilled,
exceptionally douchey surf-penguin named Tank “Shredder” Evans, and
one of the movie’s best scenes has him pulling a “Herbie”! Please
watch:
Then, maybe the best part of Christian’s whole spiel comes
out:
EVEN AT TRESTLES THERE IS PARENTS PUSHING THEIR 5YEAR OLD
KIDS INTO WAVES IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHEN I WAS YOUNG KIDS WERE NOT
ALLOWED TO SURF TRESTLES JUST LIKE THEY SHOULD NOT PLAY KICKBALL ON
THE FREEWAY
SO I SIT ON THE INSIDE AND DROP IN ON THEM SOMETIMES AS WELL
BECAUSE THIER PARENTS ARE TEACHING THEM WRONG FROM THE START SO I
FEEL INCLINED TO COUNTER ACT THAT BEHAVIOR RIGHT WHEN IT IS BEING
LEARNED!!!!
Is this not the greatest image your mind has endeavored to
conceive? A forty-something Christian Fletcher — covered
tip-to-tip in tattoos and riding a fluorescent dildo of a
surfboard — purposefully sitting on the inside-third of a world
class wave with the sole intention of snaking five-year-olds? Is
there anything more Fletcher?
Now a word on Christian…
By legitimizing airs in the competitive spectrum, Christian
Fletcher altered our sport’s trajectory both
literally and metaphorically. In that sense, I appreciate what
he’s done for surfing.
But does that mean I have to respect him as a person, or
give credence to his middle-aged immaturity? Of course
not!
If Christian believes that his abusively-depicted
upbringing has led him to become a role model for
groms then, holy shit, that’s actually fucking crazy. I can’t
imagine someone I’d less like to share a lineup with, let alone
influence my nonexistent children. Maybe Wardo. Maybe.
So while he’s right that kids are becoming less respectful
in lineups, it’s important to consider the flip side. Many of the
grumpiest, least tolerable people in lineups grew up in Christian’s
dystopian/utopian era. So did it actually do them any good?
One of the most overlooked aspects here is first-child
syndrome. Parents are typically extra-careful with their firstborn
— something about the evolutionary drive to pass on their DNA to
future generations — but by the time the Kid Two comes around, they
usually realize he’ll be fine with a little less
“parenting”. The end result is Kid Two gets to attend parties,
watch rated-R films, and have more fun.
Naturally, this causes jealousy in Kid One. “Why can Tommy go to
concerts? He’s only fifteen! I had to wait until I was seventeen!”
he can be heard shouting from community college.
Maybe old guys are just jealous they couldn’t catch set
waves when they were fifteen?
Southern California needs you, oh Lucky Country, to
navigate this brave new world!
And oh my goodness. Southern California is not
used to this sort of shark activity. First a lady gets her leg ripped
off at Church, then a bunch of whites frolic at Lowers
and now a shark has chased the Seaside, in Cardiff-by-the-Sea,
lineup straight to the parking lot. Seaside! The only shark Seaside
usually has is the elusive tan shark (Rob Machado).
Australia, please help! You have massive shark populations both
east and west. You know how to work it.
I think we especially need help with the aesthetics here. I
think they’re called “optics” in politispeak. What are the proper
optics around a shark invasion? What are we supposed to do in order
to be safe and cool? I’ll list my questions
succinctly.
When a shark comes into the lineup do you yell “shark” in a low
voice, a high voice or not at all?
When paddling in do you make funny jokes about getting chomped
or keep a somber quiet tone or do you not paddle in?
Is it uncool to say, “I hope a shark eats you” to a person that
just snaked or burned?
If a shark swims close but doesn’t show its teeth is it ok to
pet?
If a shark’s tail is between its legs does it mean it is
afraid and you can tell it to shoo?
If a good wave is coming in but you are not in position is it
ok to yell “shark” in order to get position?
If you are hazing a grom by holding his head under water and a
shark bites it off are you liable or does this sort of thing just
fall under the “grom had no respect” rule?
If you are in position and a bomb is coming but a shark is
ready to shoulder hop do you hoot it off or just let it take the
wave?
If you see a shark heading straight for a SUP do you say
anything?
When on the beach, or parking lot, after getting chased in by a
shark is it cool to leave your wetsuit on all the way or better to
strip it down to waist?
When chased in by the elusive tan shark (Rob Machado) is it
cool to get a tattoo commemorating the event?
That’s all for now but I’m sure I’ll have more after a few
drinks.