Southern California needs you, oh Lucky Country, to navigate this brave new world!
And oh my goodness. Southern California is not used to this sort of shark activity. First a lady gets her leg ripped off at Church, then a bunch of whites frolic at Lowers and now a shark has chased the Seaside, in Cardiff-by-the-Sea, lineup straight to the parking lot. Seaside! The only shark Seaside usually has is the elusive tan shark (Rob Machado).
Australia, please help! You have massive shark populations both east and west. You know how to work it.
I think we especially need help with the aesthetics here. I think they’re called “optics” in politispeak. What are the proper optics around a shark invasion? What are we supposed to do in order to be safe and cool? I’ll list my questions succinctly.
- When a shark comes into the lineup do you yell “shark” in a low voice, a high voice or not at all?
- When paddling in do you make funny jokes about getting chomped or keep a somber quiet tone or do you not paddle in?
- Is it uncool to say, “I hope a shark eats you” to a person that just snaked or burned?
- If a shark swims close but doesn’t show its teeth is it ok to pet?
- If a shark’s tail is between its legs does it mean it is afraid and you can tell it to shoo?
- If a good wave is coming in but you are not in position is it ok to yell “shark” in order to get position?
- If you are hazing a grom by holding his head under water and a shark bites it off are you liable or does this sort of thing just fall under the “grom had no respect” rule?
- If you are in position and a bomb is coming but a shark is ready to shoulder hop do you hoot it off or just let it take the wave?
- If you see a shark heading straight for a SUP do you say anything?
- When on the beach, or parking lot, after getting chased in by a shark is it cool to leave your wetsuit on all the way or better to strip it down to waist?
- When chased in by the elusive tan shark (Rob Machado) is it cool to get a tattoo commemorating the event?
That’s all for now but I’m sure I’ll have more after a few drinks.
And thanks, Australia.
KIT
BFF
XOXOX
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In the interest of journalistic integrity, this was just a short walk down the beach from Seaside: http://www.cbsnews.com/news…
Now is a good time for you SoCal guys to practice sneak paddling up behind someone and tugging on their leggie or bumping the back of their board. Then you can rate individual fear thresholds on the nervous laughter to girlie scream scale.
Never fear Chas, Shark Week is here to help. Answers below:
1)When we see a shark someone generally yells “legs up boys” to signal to the rest of the pack to lift their legs outta the water unless they wanna be chomped.
2)It is compulsory to paddle in with a ‘light-hearted’ tone and it is ok to joke about the situation unless someone is actually bleeding to death in front of you.
3)Yes, let karma run its own course. Never pre-emp a shark attack.
4)Absolutely.
5)Never focus on a sharks tail – that means you are not looking at its teeth. Rookie mistake.
6)Yes, have done this on several occasions (but only to a mate) unless you are good at fighting in which case do it when you want.
7)Not liable. I’ve actually seen groms berated for paddling in after seeing a big shark. Unless it’s genuinely HUGE and everyone paddles in it is generally frowned upon to paddle in when in the presence of a shark. You will get called a little bitch – especially if you’re a grom. And your friends will tell everyone (especially girls you meet down the pub) that you are soft as shit and it was only ‘a little dolphin’.
8)In WA, the distance between ‘being in position’ and ‘the shoulder’ is so vast that this question is deemed irrelevant.
9)No. you quietly high five the guy next to you and watch in glee and anticipation.
10)Leave it on all the way, you’ll be back out in the line-up in 5 mins. Stripping to the waste is code for “I’m a little pussy bitch who wants go home to my mamma cos I just saw a fish”.
11)In Australia, commemorative tattoos are highly frowned upon. The only acceptable tats are the southern cross stars or a Maori tribal design.
hhhaahahahahahhaha……best day on the grit ever.
In regards to 9, it’s questionable. Just saying when you SUP surf well….
I giggled like a dumbass for five solid minutes after reading number 10.
#7 gets many birds with one stone.
9: If you see a shark heading straight for a SUP do you say anything?
Why even ask this question. You don’t say shit. And, if it is Laird, you pull a CARRIE and dump buckets of pigs blood on him.
This had me in hysterics
shouldn’t you ask florida instead?
Florida has pussy sharks.
Confirmed. They are many in numbers and bite a lot, but rarely even take a toe.
Thank you.
Like Brazzos. No bite.
That’s kinky and hot. I would give it a go.
And your a pussy to Chas , so why don’t DONT you do us all a favor and move to Florida!!!
nahh fuck off ya fucken Seppos
Finally a good comment from you.
Why do these clowns want our help anyways NC? American sharks are seemingly toothless (except for those cute two-foot long New Smyrna nibblers), meanwhile we’re getting munched left, right and centre.
I watched this documentary about a shark that listens to reggae music and just wants to smoke some ganja.
Heard he got a ticker tape parade.
The title of the film wasn’t, “The Drifter” was it?
It was sad when his lighter wouldn’t work.
I laugh on the outside but my innards, they tremble. This isn’t supposed to happen here!
You totally don’t tremble! You never even think about it. That’s why you’re next!
Drum lines and nets. Problem solved. Just be quiet about it.