Have you seen the most recent Aladdin? No? No
one has. Who reads surf mags anymore? And who clicks magazines? You
should.
Joe D. Foster is an old friend. He modeled with Cameron Diaz. He
was Madonna’s boy-toy in the “Express Yourself” vid. He was the
guitarist in Ignite. He was the 5th ranked bodyboarder in the
world. He’s a surf photographer and a graphic designer. He has an
online magazine, a surf publication, Aladdin Mag. It’s been around
for 7 years.
The photography is brilliant, yet no one sees it. Timeless
imagery, even if Ando has a Quiksilver sticker. Is this why has no
one has clicked? Alas.
I worry about Foster. What does an artist do in this
environment? He has gold to share.“Self-publish! Get the content
out there. Build an audience. Monetization will come!” Yet, 7 years
on and still nada.
I worry about myself. Scrolling Insta, while convenient, might
be the worst platform to consume surf imagery. Overloaded with
content, yet so little satisfaction. And here Aladdin sits,
unmolested.
Let it sit no more. Let me introduce you to Aladdin. Nearly void
of text, just ridiculous imagery. Click. Issue 18 just dropped
here.
As a footnote, if you want to get to know Foster, here’s a 3
part documentary series I made about him in 2011.
When was the last time you read something
by Chas Smith without a hint of sarcasm? Something truly
earnest that poured from his heart to the paper? I cannot recall
one thing ever.
That’s part of the reason we love Chas. He’s lighthearted,
funny, and doesn’t allow the weight of the world to affect anything
beyond his hairline. But sometimes you have to wonder what Chas is
all about.
Because nobody is truly indifferent. We all have things that are
important to us — like Derek and his sharks, JP and his Scotland,
etc. — things that affect our everyday moods and emotions. But it’s
often hard to pinpoint what really matters to Chas Smith.
Until yesterday.
Scrolling through The Book, I caught glimpse of Chas’s signature
yellow profile picture with what appeared to be a novel beneath it.
Considering his posts usually consist of BeachGrit articles, it
caught my attention. I scrolled back to discover the most uplifting
post of the week, and the first instance of sincerity from our old
pal Charlie. It read:
Last night I sat in a movie theater and wept for the first
time since 1982. Then I was six-years-old and E.T. was playing and
I thought he was dead. Now I am forty and watching Wonder Woman
with my four-year-old daughter on my lap.
And in the day and age of “grab-them-by-the-pussy” and Cliff
Huxtable’s quaaludes watching a woman shred multiple battlefields
of men while my little girl crosses her forearms in a defiant pose
completely did me in.
At this very moment she is running around the house with a
postcard as a shield, a necklace as a lasso, a colored pencil as a
sword and a hand-me-down Super Girl outfit substituting for Wonder
Woman’s. I’m taking her again tonight because she is begging. And
because there is currently nothing better on this earth than
empowering her.
To hell with Trump. To hell with Cosby. The future is
hers.
This beautiful sonnet was reinforced in my mind when listening
to NPR this morning. The station was talking about Kurdish women
fighters who were part of the war against ISIS. Some of them were
there because they loathed the Islamic State, but many were there
as a means of avoiding and/or deconstructing a patriarchal society.
One woman joined in order to flee from a marriage that her brother
had arranged for her.
Very sad, but there was one instance of brilliance.
It turns out that under Muslim doctrine, being killed by a woman
soldier blocks your entry to eternal bliss, virgins, etc. The
Kurdish fighters, knowing this, use a loudspeaker to taunt the ISIS
members, reminding them that if they die at the hands of a woman
they will be eternally doomed. If that’s not empowerment I don’t
know what is!
Anyways, back to Chas.
When researching the Panama story
from last week, I stumbled upon an old
essay he had written for Stab. It started:
Panama is an unshaved Hispanic pussy. Gently rolling
folds covered with lush vegetation spill into endless pleasure of
ocean. Or sea. Giant metal phalluses, captained by white men, enter
her from the front and from the rear. It is almost always wet
season.
Which led to:
I ended the evening with three underage girls, if memory
serves, in a hot tub at the Courtyard Real Hotel. I was wearing a
Tahitian Themed Jean Paul Gaultier swimsuit with a print of
Tahitian boys. I was drinking a frosty sangria and the girls were
nude.
One can’t help but think that having a daughter has had a
profound effect on Chas’s outlook on life, if not his fashion
sense.
So thank you Chas for showing us your heart — but mostly
thanks to Hemingway for making it ten times bigger!
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Hamilton: “I don’t even have an age!”
By Chas Smith
Laird Hamilton is back in the news! Controversial?
Let's see!
The last time Laird Hamilton was in the news it
was for saying that menstruating women are the cause of shark
attacks. Oh the fun I had! Five
days of nothing but Laird and periods. Five glorious,
informative, fun-filled days. Did you have fun too? Don’t you wish
we could have done ten days instead of five?
But we couldn’t do ten days because Laird Hamilton delivered a
masterclass in what you are supposed to do when caught in a
self-made controversy.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
I am certain Donald J. Trump’s staff was looking west during
Period-Gate and thinking, “Gol’durn. Why isn’t Laird Hamilton the
President of the United States? That boy can handle his
business!”
Do you think Laird might run someday? Maybe in 100 or 200
years? He tells GQ in a recent interview, “I don’t even have an
age. I don’t know how I could feel better.”
And then gives the magazine “life hacks” so that we can all
forget our ages. His first is…
Coffee is the only energy drink you need. So long as you
fatten it up.
“I use my coffee like other people use energy drinks,”
Hamilton says. “But are you getting the most out of your coffee?
Probably not.” The real secret to joe, he claims, is combining it
with fats (like those in his Laird Superfood creamer) that time
release the caffeine, so that your energy stays constant, instead
of peaking and cratering. It also makes you sharper: “You know
[how] you drink coffee, you’re all jacked up, but you’re still
foggy-headed? The caffeine is jacking the body up. It’s not jacking
the brain up. The fat’s feeding the brain. That’s where the focus
comes in, and the mental clarity.” Important whether you’re
outrunning a 50-foot swell or a 50-year-old boss in search of some
overdue TPS reports.
They call this bulletproof coffee, no? So many people swear by
it and I once tried but watching the butter melt in my coffee
totally grossed me out. I’ll keep the jacked up foggy head thank
you very much. Also, I will never be President of the United
States.
Also, I hate the trendy new phrase “life hacks.” Like, way hate
it.
Read the rest of Laird Hamilton’s life hacks
here.
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The Old World is chock full of meat and
potatoes!
Watch: Scotland Goes Inside-Out!
By Michael Ciaramella
Let's embrace our mediocrity!
And really, how much world-class surfing can a
person watch?
It’s quite tiresome to witness impeccable technique,
seamless transitions and overall athleticism every damn day.
Sometimes we need a dose of reality.
That’s where this video comes in. It features decent surfers at
an exceptional wave in Scotland and makes me feel that, if I
happened to be at Thurso East on a day of inside-out tubes, I could
do some damage.
This video is the surfing equivalent of plus-size models. Please
enjoy, fellow fatties!
Beyond the bowed knees, bogged rails and double-GoPro-action,
the boys did a damn good job out there. Makes you realize
that repetition and local knowledge can propel mediocrity to
exceptionalism. This is why small-pronged men tend to be more
faithful… or so a friend told me.
I sometimes wonder about the talent level of
an average BeachGrit reader. In terms of intellect,
humor, and writing ability, I’d give you guys a solid A-minus (on
an industry scale, of course). When it comes to surfing ability,
however, I’m skeptical.
Maybe if we could count everyone at the peak of their abilities
it would be different, but considering most of you are
forty-plus with families and full-time jobs, it’s hard to
imagine you’d cross the C+ threshold, at least on average.
But do not fret! As they say C’s get degrees, and if it makes
you feel any better, Inertia readers are on the short bus and
the best surfers don’t read at all. You are the perfect middle
ground!
This makes me think we should take a team trip to Thurso East.
We’ll storm the coast like Braveheart and seize the lineup
with our Mayhems and Sharp Eyes and Hypto Cryptos. We’ll
send Wiggolly’s Paddling Style after any local rabble-rousers
and take turns air dropping to a hard-earned demise. Maybe even
make a tube or two.
What a glorious day that would be!
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Profile: Newport’s great white hope!
By Chas Smith
Who is the greatest surfer to ever come out of
Newport Beach? Come inside!
There is a fine profile in this morning’s Los
Angeles Times of Newport Beach’s Parker Cohn. The
seventeen-year-old surfer was once sponsored by Hurley but now dons
the RVCA (“I absolutely love what RVCA is representing at the
moment,” he tells the paper. “A lot of the older guys on the team
are guys I look up to, Bruce Irons, Luke Davis and Colin Moran, and
the list goes on and on.”)
He is the number 1 seed in the NSSA National Championships which
begins tomorrow at Huntington Beach and will be surfing with
Newport Beach on his heart and mind.
“I love to represent this city,” says Cohn in the article, “I’ve
lived here my entire life and I love it here. Newport Beach is
practically the best place you can grow up as a surfer.”
“Could he be the next great surfer to come out of Newport
Beach?” the reporter asks before answering, quickly, “Yes, he just
might be the next great surfer to come out of Newport Beach.”
Which made me wonder. Who was the last great surfer to come out
of Newport Beach? I’m not talking Andrew Droid Doheny, though he is
very good, or Josh Hoyer or Richie Collins. Maybe Danny Kwock?
Maybe Preston Murray? Alex Knost?
Oh, I’m not denying Newport’s place in the surf pantheon. It
will forever be the “hottest 100 yards!” I’m simply asking, has
Newport Beach ever had a great surfer?
Will Parker Cohn put the town on the map just like Kelly Slater
put Cocoa Beach on it? Will they one day erect a statue of him on
the peninsula?
