Parents, politicians, coaches and teachers lie
to protect their disciples from the harshness of reality and keep
them interested.
Surf mags/surf industry are our surrogates.
#1 Dane vs. Jordy. Remember? 2008(ish)? Fresh
off the heels of a Kelly/Andy rivalry, the surf media’s
need for a new conflict was akin to a Calcutta native looking
for Filet Mignon on the Ganges. Trying to get these two to be
rivals was like trying to get Switzerland and Canada to start World
War Three armed with Swiss army knives and Molson. Dane really only
cared about “not caring” (seems exhausting) and Jordy was too
enchanted by the indifference of The Great Dane. There is a
cautionary tale here: As Former becomes formerly
relevant, and Dane slowly but painfully realises he
will have to become what he hated in order to pay the bills, the
spotlight of the tour, with all it’s faults, has kept Jordy in
the spotlight.
#2 Alaia surfboards. Jerry Sienfeld
once said he could not understand how the Chinese continue to use
chopsticks when they have seen the fork in action. Alias and
chopsticks are made from comparable materials, both with similar
degrees of failed Western usage and far too familiar painful
results.
#3 Still shots of “perfect” waves: Ask
Hugh Hefner, when looking for talent and the well runs dry, pick
someone off the street and paint it with an airbrush. Western
culture is perfect at selling things that look great on the surface
but are empty on the inside. After all, we invented the used
car salesman and Kim Kardashian. If surf mags had to
reimburse readers for every surf trip they inspired from cover
shots they would have a deficit that would give Donald Trump a
nose bleed.
#4 Van Life: It’s hard making homeless and
smelly look cool. Turns out, after reading countless
articles about van life, it’s impossible. After the
initial ‘Wow, looks cool’ wears off, there is the tedious reality
of living out of a van, knowing that somewhere your parents wished
they had never spent that 100k on university. There’s an upside to
#vanlife. Simple amenities like smelling clean, going to the
bathroom, cooking food, watching TV and living like a human being
9000 years removed from the stone age are suddenly, starkly
appreciated.
#5 Indo boards: Would college dorm rooms of the
nineties exist without these? Every time I take my son to the park
and see him on a seesaw I thank God for the past inner strength to
resist the impulse buy of the Indo board. It’s the front toothless,
confederate flag wielding, inbred third cousin of the Alaia.
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Prediction: Jordy Smith will win
title!
By Chas Smith
Current world number 3 is soaring!
How long has it been since the last World Surf
League Championship Tour event? Eight months? Three years? I have
no idea and am lost in an endless depressive cycle. Oh I know that
BeachGrit is anti-depressive and I do my best to lift my
head off the pillow each morning and bring you good cheer but
inside I am a dried up prune.
I went to the World Surf League website just this very minute to
see if I might have somehow missed J-Bay and was greeted with the
above picture of Jordy Smith who appears to be surfing in the
Ballito Pro which seems to be in South Africa.
The day’s wrap reads, in part:
“It’s always great to do this event, there’s nothing like
the QS guys to keep you on your toes, they’re the hungriest
competitors,” Jordy said. “I saw Josh’s last air and told him if he
made that it would have been in the nines, but apparently he
slipped off his back foot right at the end, so fortunate for me.
He’s a great surfer and I’m sure he’s going to have some big
results this year.”
Watch here.
But more to the point is that air and the way it looks when
photographed. Would you like to know what it looks like to me?
A championship.
Currently Jordy is number 3 in the world and my money is for him
to slide up to number 1 by the Corona Pro J-Bay’s end and for him
to stay there for the rest of the year.
How will a Jordy Smith championship make you feel?
Will Jordy v John John be the rivalry that thrills us into the
future?
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Supernatural: The BeachGrit curse!
By Michael Ciaramella
Is someone casting dark spells on BeachGrit
writers?
(Ed. note: In my rusty memory Rory Parker was always hurting
himself and having surgery. Our Michael Kocher was killed by
policemen. Now poor Michael Ciaramella is laid low. Do you believe
in the supernatural? Could there possibly be a BeachGrit curse? And
if yes, who conjured this dark force?)
The goal was to arrive at Marbella, a surf break
forty-five minutes from our Playa Negra domicile, by first light.
That meant a 4:45 wake-up and 5:15 departure.
A night of Cacique (a sugar cane liquor) and Snappa (a terrible
drinking game) put us slightly behind schedule. Costa Rica will do
that to you.
After an hour of waking up, then re-waking up my debilitated
pals, the truck was packed and we were off.
To cut time, we took a local shortcut — one that involved
weaving through cattle, romping over potholes and crossing a small
river. The only obstacle we hadn’t accounted for was a fallen tree
blocking our path.
By the time we’d encountered the natural roadblock, we were too
far into the shortcut to head back. Fifteen minutes to Marbella
through the tree, an hour if we were to turn around.
Our Nissan Navara fit just under the main trunk, but one of the
core branches — a solid two feet in diameter and thirty in length —
was directly in our path.
After short deliberation, a decision was made. We would move the
thousand-pound piece of lumber in order to clear a path for our
vehicle.
We got low, counted down from three and, PUUUUUSH!
Nothing.
A new idea; Two of us would lift while the others would drive
the trunk forward with all of their body weight.
It worked, if slightly.
Each countdown resulted in an inch, maybe two inches of
progress. A couple times when we lifted, the tree would swing back
and we’d lose six inches all at once. Twenty minutes later, muddied
and scraped from neck to heel, we’d moved the tree just enough to
slip our 4×4 through the gap.
We laughed. We cried. We mocked the petty piece of lumber and
were swiftly on our way.
As far as I was concerned, the day was already a success. A surf
session would be great to wash off the dirt and sweat, but this
tree endeavor had already achieved my daily entertainment
quota.
With the morning commute behind us, we arrived at Playa Marbella
to find clean, chest-high wedges breaking up and down the beach.
Mesmerized by the sight, we pointed and squawked like amateur
birdwatchers. Within minutes our feet were clean of mud and coated
instead with Mr. Zog’s white goo.
The session went how sessions go — some good waves, some bad
waves, always clinging to the hope that something bigger or better
was looming out the back. Nearly three hours into my surf, about
the time you’d start looking for a wave in, I found the lump I’d
spent all day searching for.
Head high on take off, with a valley in the center and another
hump forming down the line — the wave implored me to soar. If not
implored me, then taunted me, in a ‘you won’t hit this, you pussy’
kind of way.
My friends were watching from out the back. I had no choice.
Launching off the lip, I felt my feet disconnect from the board
momentarily, before regaining traction a foot closer to the nose.
The air wasn’t exceptionally high, but I covered a decent amount
ground and was set to land at the point of impact.
The initial landing was soft enough, but with the weight of the
explosion from the crashing swell, I figured I’d be engulfed by
whitewater and bucked from my board.
Turns out I was half right.
Rather than being overtaken by fluffy clouds and kindly
deposited into the abyss, the explosion sent the nose of my board
skyward, taking my front foot along with it. This pushed my front
knee inward, toward the deck of my surfboard — a maneuver well
outside my range of motion. I felt the sensations of a pop, then
pain, then despair, in that order.
Still underwater, I knew something bad had happened. I remember
thinking that I didn’t want to come up — not in a suicidal way,
it’s just that breaching the surface meant facing the reality of a
blown surf trip, if not something much worse.
I was able to hobble back to the car, but by the time we’d
arrived home, I couldn’t put an ounce of my weight on my left foot.
I couldn’t even straighten my leg.
My initial plan was to wait it out, to see if my knee would
improve on its own. I spent the next 36 hours laid up in bed,
occasionally hopping around the house to piss or get an ice pack.
It didn’t help one bit, and I feared my knee could get worse
without proper treatment.
The next day I saw an orthopedic surgeon (travel insurance FTW)
who put me through X-rays and and MRI. Results showed a bone
bruise, a sprained MCL and a nearly-severed ACL.
Might need surgery, he told me, might not. Said I should rehab
it for a week then see a specialist in the States.
I’ve learned that surgery would put me out of the water for four
months, but I wouldn’t be at 100% for at least seven.
If no surgery, it’s anyone’s guess how long the recovery will
take, but it’ll be at least a few months until my knee is strong
enough to withstand legitimate athletic activity.
So, that’s my current reality. No more surfing, no more
traveling, no more bees, and definitely no Namibia for the
foreseeable future.
Oh, and to top it all off, I have to move all my shit into a new
house by the end of this month.
And to think a tree was once my biggest problem.
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Geopolitic: North Korea targets
Hawaii?
By Chas Smith
It is time for Da Hui Diplomacy!
Three days ago North Korea successfully
launched a long range ballistic missile, the first successful long
range ballistic missile launch in the rogue nation’s history. Kim
Jong Un declared that it was a present for the “American
bastards.”
I didn’t pay attention because I was too busy writing the
rumor of big
events happening at the Kelly Slater Surf Ranch.
(Maybe Jack Johnson concerts to go alongside WQS events.)
And did you know that Jack Johnson grew up on Oahu’s North
Shore? Of course you did.
Did you also know that North Korea’s new successful long range
ballistic missile can maybe reach Oahu’s North Shore? I didn’t
until National Public Radio told me yesterday.
As surfers, should we take this aggression personally? I think
maybe we should. I also think that Da Hui should take it
personally. Just imagine how wonderfully effective a Pyongyang
visit from da boyz would be!
“Ho. Which one you fukkahs Kim Jong Un?”
A nuclear North Korea would most certainly be a thing of the
past.
If any one of you can draw let’s collaborate on a cartoon called
Da Boyz go to North Korea. I have no doubt it would be a
hit.
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Mouth Mounts: Yay or Nay?
By Chas Smith
The world needs your verdict!
I was up in Los Angeles today having a
lovely meeting with our handsome web developer and otherwise
minding my own business. At the end of our productive session
(plug-ins and widgets etc.) he asked, “Do you live near Michael
Ciaramella?” I told him that I did and he said that Michael had
come up and placed in or won or… oh details were never my strong
suit… but something in a South Bay big wave contest.
First, I was amazed that such a thing existed.
Second, I can’t remember.
But third, Michael had apparently won a gift certificate to a
local restaurant, some Spy sunglasses and a poster of himself
surfing a big wave in the South Bay. Our handsome web developer
walked me to his garage to give me Michael’s gifts.
I studied the poster for quite some time.
A fine big wave with Michael clearly charging etc. “But what is
falling out of his mouth?” I quietly wondered. “Was he eating a hot
dog? Vomiting?”
And then I realized that he was cradling a GoPro mouth
mount.
“Hmmm.” I quietly wondered.
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
Has the jury come in and delivered an official verdict on the
GoPro mouth mount? Jamie O’Brien and Anthony Walsh talked about it
here…
But I don’t necessarily consider them the jury. I guess I
consider YOU the jury.