5 Outrageous Surf Media Lies (Part One)

The first in a maybe endless series!

Parents, politicians, coaches and teachers lie to protect their disciples from the harshness of reality and keep them interested.

Surf mags/surf industry are our surrogates.

#1 Dane vs. Jordy. Remember? 2008(ish)? Fresh off the heels of a Kelly/Andy rivalry, the surf media’s need for a new conflict was akin to a Calcutta native looking for Filet Mignon on the Ganges. Trying to get these two to be rivals was like trying to get Switzerland and Canada to start World War Three armed with Swiss army knives and Molson. Dane really only cared about “not caring” (seems exhausting) and Jordy was too enchanted by the indifference of The Great Dane. There is a cautionary tale here: As Former becomes formerly relevant, and Dane slowly but painfully realises he will have to become what he hated in order to pay the bills, the spotlight of the tour, with all it’s faults, has kept Jordy in the spotlight.

#2 Alaia surfboards. Jerry Sienfeld once said he could not understand how the Chinese continue to use chopsticks when they have seen the fork in action. Alias and chopsticks are made from comparable materials, both with similar degrees of failed Western usage and far too familiar painful results.

#3 Still shots of “perfect” waves: Ask Hugh Hefner, when looking for talent and the well runs dry, pick someone off the street and paint it with an airbrush. Western culture is perfect at selling things that look great on the surface but are empty on the inside. After all, we invented the used car salesman and Kim Kardashian. If surf mags had to reimburse readers for every surf trip they inspired from cover shots they would have a deficit that would give Donald Trump a nose bleed.

#4 Van Life: It’s hard making homeless and smelly look cool. Turns out, after reading countless articles about van life, it’s impossible. After the initial ‘Wow, looks cool’ wears off, there is the tedious reality of living out of a van, knowing that somewhere your parents wished they had never spent that 100k on university. There’s an upside to #vanlife. Simple amenities like smelling clean, going to the bathroom, cooking food, watching TV and living like a human being 9000 years removed from the stone age are suddenly, starkly appreciated.

#5 Indo boards: Would college dorm rooms of the nineties exist without these? Every time I take my son to the park and see him on a seesaw I thank God for the past inner strength to resist the impulse buy of the Indo board. It’s the front toothless, confederate flag wielding, inbred third cousin of the Alaia.