Nine days until J-Bay! Let's plan our drinking regime!

Monday. Cold. A whistling gale is the punctuation mark on a desultory day.

You might be distressed to learn that your correspondent awoke to a terrible sickness and was only just recently restored mid-afternoon by a tonic of apple and lemon juice flavoured with vodka.

This medicine reminded me, that with J-Bay only nine days away, it must be time to put our drinking games in order for event number five.

The South African event is perfect for drinking games with a time-zone that has the first heat paddling out at four in the afternoon Sydney time, ten thirty in LA, very very late in New York and at dawn in Europe.

Europe, of course, is in the grip of its summer and therefore no one works and everyone drinks.

This is a multi-pronged game for maximum enjoyment.

How to play:

Gather at a sports bar. Your barkeep, who has shifted the channel to the WSL app, pours the number of your party times ten of vodka, tequila, rum, whatever. The shot glasses rest on a large tray.

While the morning show is on, we’ll start with Most Likely. Ask a question such as, Who would be Most Likely to melt if they met Kelly Slater?, and whoever has the most fingers pointed at them must drink that number of fingers. ie. five fingers, five shots.

Draw a surfer! Each person takes turns at being an artist and draws a WCT whispered to them by the barkeep. Start the timer on your telephone where everyone can see. The artist shows the party his drawing who must call out the name of the surfer. For every twenty seconds that passes without a correct ID, the artist must take a shot. If no one guesses, he takes four.

The contest starts. You must take a shot everytime,

A commentator references the Fanning shark incident.

A commentator registers any sort of surprise at Filipe Toledo’s “rail game”.

Jordy Smith finishes a wave with a claim and a glare.

The panel throws to the competitors’ area to examine Kelly Slater’s board.

Any of Matt Wilkinson’s waves from 2014 are replayed.

Gabriel Medina looks close to tears.

The camera crosses to Glen Hall in the competitor’s area.

Any surfer scores an eight or better.

There’s a paddle battle.

There’s priority confusion.

Michel Bourez does a layback.

The subject of J-Bay wildcards is raised.

Richie Porta appears in the commentary box.

The curves of Strider’s attack dog tits are visible under his wetsuit.

The use of shark mitigation technology is mentioned.

A shark attacks a surfer. (Take three shots.)

The winner, of course, is the last man standing.

And it’s only day one!