For music and fun!
For music and fun!

Rumor: WSL to hold event at Slater pool!

A surprise event featuring the world's second best surfers!

It’s allegedly happening! It’s allegedly really happening. I spent the day at the beach, mincing around with a pink foamie and left my phone at home. Many fun was had by me and I felt, “God bless the United States of America and her President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho…” in my heart and was pleased.

Then I came home and there was a rumor on my phone from a very trusted and almost always correct source.

The World Surf League is planning on holding a surprise WQS event at the Kelly Slater Wave Ranch in Tulare, County California!

The future purportedly starts today!

Now, let’s wonder together… what level QS do you imagine it will be? 1000 points? 3000 points? a full 6000 points?

Which professional CT surfers will show up to try their hand in science’s miracle? Will Owen Wright? Adriano de Souza? Kelly Slater himself?

If you had to put money on who will win, right now, who would you say?

And, lastly, which surf world event will Kelly try to overshadow with the event? Will he hold it during Surfer Poll? The WSL banquet? John John Florence’s birthday party?

This truly is the greatest day of all time. One that will live in infamy. And now back to your regularly scheduled programing…


Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie seen here being overly aggressive and belligerent.
Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie seen here being overly aggressive and belligerent.

Rude: New Jersey bullies autistic kids!

The state of New Jersey sics "overly aggressive and belligerent" teens on autistic surfers!

Can the surfing autistic kids get a freaking break here? CAN THEY? Two weeks ago, as you read right here, Great White sharks shut down the Surfers Healing camp that was set to take place at Doheny beach, just minutes north of San Clemente.

And yesterday across the country in New Jersey another organization, the Heart of Surfing, was set to hold their camp when it was shut down by “belligerent teenaged tag checkers.”

From context, it seems that you must have a “tag” or some kind of permission to host a gathering on the beach in New Jersey, which seems totally fascist at the outset, but let’s read more from the Philly Voice.

Despite foggy, cold-water conditions, the Heart of Surfing non-profit hosted yet another gathering for children with autism and their families who’ve come to realize that surfing is a great, therapeutic escape.

Though Booker D. Surfdog and Onyx Shorepound Surfdog were unable to attend as scheduled – one of them was suffering from some bowel discomfort – nearly 50 children were taken out on the waves.

It turns out dozens of people near the Heart of Surfing tent drew the attention of some beach-tag checkers who refused to accept the fact that the group was allowed to be there.

Cindy Fertsch had a letter stating as much from the city. Still, she was pulled away from surfing activities to deal with a group of about five teenaged tag-checkers to determine whether it was a permitted event.

The power-hungry teens were “overly aggressive and belligerent,” and unwilling to share their names when asked, witnesses stated.

Around 10:30 a.m. – near the end of the weekly two-hour surfing event – a police officer arrived at the scene. She checked Fertsch’s paperwork and noted that the only event on the beach “master list” was for a wedding being held a block away.

Soon, that officer’s supervisor arrived and reviewed the paperwork as well. It was a time-consuming process.

“That’s really uncool,” Fertsch told me hours after everything evened out. “I can see if they’re going to the beach for the day, but they’re only going there to watch their children with special needs surf.”

The investigation cost Fertsch an hour that she normally would have spent knee-deep in the water keeping an eye on surfers and the children.

“We didn’t even have the dogs out here today,” she said, before joking, “they’ll probably have crime-scene tape up when they’re here next week.”

Oooooooooooh when I was a younger man (and if I’m to be honest all the way up to the present time) this sort of unbending hewing to the “rules” without regard to circumstance would throw me into fits of rage. I would curse, growl, threaten, etc. Border agents, police officers, TSA officials, librarians, crossing guards, and lifeguards have each tasted my impotent fury.

But back to New Jersey and the little teenaged fascist fuckers. I reckon they are way worse than the sharks and if I’m ever in the Garden State I am going to the beach, sans tag, find them and… I don’t know… really say belittling things.

Before that, though, what was your favorite part of this story?

A) Though Booker D. Surfdog and Onyx Shorepound Surfdog were unable to attend as scheduled – one of them was suffering from some bowel discomfort.

or

B) The power-hungry teens were “overly aggressive and belligerent,” and unwilling to share their names when asked, witnesses stated.


Revealed: YOU are a WSL judge!

Blind, confused, easily twisted, into strange genres of pornography!

Oh how I thought the surfboard logo-off was going to be simple, clean, true and unclouded by personal bias. Unsullied by poor choice. If you are new to BeachGrit or haven’t been around for a few days, catch up on the most innovative surf contest ever to be held here.

The Battle of the Brands was supposed to be the antithesis of a World Surf League contest. The WSL is the most wonderful league of all, we can now agree, but has been soiled by very poor judging this year. Don’t you think? Like, ludicrously poor. Like, you or I could smoke it if given the reins dropping near perfect scores every single time in every single heat.

But then look at what you went and did. You just voted Maurice Cole’s logo over Chilli’s logo in a total landslide!

Let us revisit the RULES.

We ain’t talking the performance of the board, the price, the selection etc. etc. No. This battle is purely about logos.

So you folk are telling me this.

totally and completely crushes this.

That’s what you’re telling me?

Our own Mullet voted, writing: “I like the chilli, but the paw print takes it for me. It looks like a really fat person cheering.” And I’ll except his as an outlier. Do you recall when Adriano de Souza’s floater was scored an 8 or 9 or something, beating Owen Wright? Let’s refresh our memories!

Now, in this particular instance I could see how two or three of the judges were inexplicably kinky for floaters. Floaters just getting them super hot and horny in the same way fat people cheering get Mullet super hot and horny. So Mullet’s vote stands.

But the rest of you. Look at the logos again and remember this has nothing to do with shaper nor board nor performance nor price nor nationality nor ethnicity. Only logo. Do you still give the landslide victory to Morris Cole?

Is judging really an impossible thing to do?

Should we all go way lighter on the WSL judges or should we all go way heavier on each other? And I’m not talking “heavier” as in fatty porn, Mullet. I’m talking more brutal. More aggressive.

Which one?


Pops: Why turn your kid into a pro surfer?

You want your kid to ride waves for money? Are you sure?

You got kids? If you do, you know what robust enjoyment they bring.

Mine are delicate-boned little things with guinea-pig faces and glossy hair and if I don’t see them I fall into a dreadful melancholia. Although I’m not one given to end-of-life feelings, any sort of separation sends me into an emotional paralysis.

(You think divorce is easy? Read this if you feel like you want to bust out of your gilded cage.)

One of my favourite things to do is to swim out with one of my kids when it’s a little bigger, hold his hand and, when a set comes, tell him we’ll dive to the bottom, open our eyes and dodge the pillars of foam together.

Anyway,

A few years back, I started dragging ’em out for surfs. Dads know the drill on this. You caddy ’em out onto a waist-deep bank on a foam board, find little corners and push ’em into runners. Because you are an expert your commands are endless and forceful: paddle like this, catch this, stand up now, turn your head, do this, do that.

And you think, what a gift I’m giving my kid. My dad never took me surfing. My dad never revealed the mysteries of the ocean to me. 

If the kid isn’t totally repulsed by the learning process and he starts to improve a little the dad moves to the sand with his video camera, snatching precious vision for post-session analysis. I vacationed in Hossegor a few years ago and was astonished by the dad’s squatting under umbrellas while their kids shimmied to to the beach on their JS’s and DHD’s.

It really is a thing. A dad used to want his kid to be President. Or an architect. A doctor. Education used to be everything. Work hard. Get ahead. Make the world a better place.

Now it’s a pro surfer or, and I see it more in the skate parks, a pro skater.

Is it the illusion of cool?

Is it the failed ambition of daddy manifesting itself in his kids?

I wonder,

Why would you want your kid to be a pro surfer?

Why would you take something that has given you so much and turn it into an insecure, stress-ridden occupation with very little reward?

Bottom line: unless the kid is a masterpiece, an Eli Hanneman or Bronson Meidy, the best he can hope for is a few orbits of the qualifiers and, maybe, best scenario, a year in a WCT jersey.

Toast the bliss of childhood.

Surf with your kid but button your lips, let him (her) make their mistakes, catch the wrong waves, paddle like dumb-asses.

Let ’em enjoy surfing in all its futility and beauty.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLC0VQvgYU4/?taken-by=beach_grit&hl=en


Is this what you want?

Just in: Surfing Needs Our Help!

I'm doing this for all of us!

John John Florence is surfing’s greatest talent.

An opinion, maybe, but it’s an opinion shared by most observers, and even ESPN — the American leader in sports broadcasting.

Sometimes a surfing maneuver will make its way onto SportCenter’s Top 10, but it’s usually some throwaway air from the U.S. Open. Point being, ESPN doesn’t generally show more than casual indifference toward our niche sport.

But have we made progress?

Every year, ESPN has an awards show called the ESPYS. This annual gathering celebrates the world’s top athletes across a myriad of disciplines, and this year, surfing is not excluded.

Where do we fit in? Well, there’s a Best Male Action Sports category and it looks like this:

As far as I can tell ESPY awards are decided on a fan-voting basis. Therefore we, as raging surf fanatics, can use our autonomy to sway the results in a direction that will affect us favorably. For the sake of surfers everywhere, I implore you to vote for anyone other than John John Florence.

Counter intuitive? Maybe not. Here’s why:

1. John Florence is good at many things but public speaking ain’t one of them. Can you imagine his acceptance speech to the greater athletic community?

“Woooow… can’t believe I won this award. Super stoked. Last year was really fun, waves were so fun, so I’m just really stoked. Can’t believe I beat these guys, they’re so sick haha. Thank you everyone!”

All of this in a two-sizes too big suit. Surfing don’t need that stigma.

2. ESPN is watched mostly by non-coastal, meat-and-potato Americans. They don’t care about surfing, and that’s a good thing. Unless you’re building a wave pool or own a company like Quiksilver, there’s no upside to drawing masses towards our already-oversaturated sport and culture. The less press we get, the smaller our bubble, the more waves we catch, the more harmonious our existence.

3. How goofy does John look in that photo? The bright colors, the fifth-grade-art-project trophy, the flower crown — surfers really are kinda lame when you think about it. At least skaters look cool.

A vote for John, while laden with noble intentions, is perhaps not in our own best interest. A vote for Nyjah, Mark, or Oyster Bra is a vote for surfing.

Click here to save our sport!