Get loaded: A J-Bay drinking game!

Nine days until J-Bay! Let's plan our drinking regime!

Monday. Cold. A whistling gale is the punctuation mark on a desultory day.

You might be distressed to learn that your correspondent awoke to a terrible sickness and was only just recently restored mid-afternoon by a tonic of apple and lemon juice flavoured with vodka.

This medicine reminded me, that with J-Bay only nine days away, it must be time to put our drinking games in order for event number five.

The South African event is perfect for drinking games with a time-zone that has the first heat paddling out at four in the afternoon Sydney time, ten thirty in LA, very very late in New York and at dawn in Europe.

Europe, of course, is in the grip of its summer and therefore no one works and everyone drinks.

This is a multi-pronged game for maximum enjoyment.

How to play:

Gather at a sports bar. Your barkeep, who has shifted the channel to the WSL app, pours the number of your party times ten of vodka, tequila, rum, whatever. The shot glasses rest on a large tray.

While the morning show is on, we’ll start with Most Likely. Ask a question such as, Who would be Most Likely to melt if they met Kelly Slater?, and whoever has the most fingers pointed at them must drink that number of fingers. ie. five fingers, five shots.

Draw a surfer! Each person takes turns at being an artist and draws a WCT whispered to them by the barkeep. Start the timer on your telephone where everyone can see. The artist shows the party his drawing who must call out the name of the surfer. For every twenty seconds that passes without a correct ID, the artist must take a shot. If no one guesses, he takes four.

The contest starts. You must take a shot everytime,

A commentator references the Fanning shark incident.

A commentator registers any sort of surprise at Filipe Toledo’s “rail game”.

Jordy Smith finishes a wave with a claim and a glare.

The panel throws to the competitors’ area to examine Kelly Slater’s board.

Any of Matt Wilkinson’s waves from 2014 are replayed.

Gabriel Medina looks close to tears.

The camera crosses to Glen Hall in the competitor’s area.

Any surfer scores an eight or better.

There’s a paddle battle.

There’s priority confusion.

Michel Bourez does a layback.

The subject of J-Bay wildcards is raised.

Richie Porta appears in the commentary box.

The curves of Strider’s attack dog tits are visible under his wetsuit.

The use of shark mitigation technology is mentioned.

A shark attacks a surfer. (Take three shots.)

The winner, of course, is the last man standing.

And it’s only day one!


For music and fun!
For music and fun!

Rumor: WSL to hold event at Slater pool!

A surprise event featuring the world's second best surfers!

It’s allegedly happening! It’s allegedly really happening. I spent the day at the beach, mincing around with a pink foamie and left my phone at home. Many fun was had by me and I felt, “God bless the United States of America and her President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho…” in my heart and was pleased.

Then I came home and there was a rumor on my phone from a very trusted and almost always correct source.

The World Surf League is planning on holding a surprise WQS event at the Kelly Slater Wave Ranch in Tulare, County California!

The future purportedly starts today!

Now, let’s wonder together… what level QS do you imagine it will be? 1000 points? 3000 points? a full 6000 points?

Which professional CT surfers will show up to try their hand in science’s miracle? Will Owen Wright? Adriano de Souza? Kelly Slater himself?

If you had to put money on who will win, right now, who would you say?

And, lastly, which surf world event will Kelly try to overshadow with the event? Will he hold it during Surfer Poll? The WSL banquet? John John Florence’s birthday party?

This truly is the greatest day of all time. One that will live in infamy. And now back to your regularly scheduled programing…


Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie seen here being overly aggressive and belligerent.
Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie seen here being overly aggressive and belligerent.

Rude: New Jersey bullies autistic kids!

The state of New Jersey sics "overly aggressive and belligerent" teens on autistic surfers!

Can the surfing autistic kids get a freaking break here? CAN THEY? Two weeks ago, as you read right here, Great White sharks shut down the Surfers Healing camp that was set to take place at Doheny beach, just minutes north of San Clemente.

And yesterday across the country in New Jersey another organization, the Heart of Surfing, was set to hold their camp when it was shut down by “belligerent teenaged tag checkers.”

From context, it seems that you must have a “tag” or some kind of permission to host a gathering on the beach in New Jersey, which seems totally fascist at the outset, but let’s read more from the Philly Voice.

Despite foggy, cold-water conditions, the Heart of Surfing non-profit hosted yet another gathering for children with autism and their families who’ve come to realize that surfing is a great, therapeutic escape.

Though Booker D. Surfdog and Onyx Shorepound Surfdog were unable to attend as scheduled – one of them was suffering from some bowel discomfort – nearly 50 children were taken out on the waves.

It turns out dozens of people near the Heart of Surfing tent drew the attention of some beach-tag checkers who refused to accept the fact that the group was allowed to be there.

Cindy Fertsch had a letter stating as much from the city. Still, she was pulled away from surfing activities to deal with a group of about five teenaged tag-checkers to determine whether it was a permitted event.

The power-hungry teens were “overly aggressive and belligerent,” and unwilling to share their names when asked, witnesses stated.

Around 10:30 a.m. – near the end of the weekly two-hour surfing event – a police officer arrived at the scene. She checked Fertsch’s paperwork and noted that the only event on the beach “master list” was for a wedding being held a block away.

Soon, that officer’s supervisor arrived and reviewed the paperwork as well. It was a time-consuming process.

“That’s really uncool,” Fertsch told me hours after everything evened out. “I can see if they’re going to the beach for the day, but they’re only going there to watch their children with special needs surf.”

The investigation cost Fertsch an hour that she normally would have spent knee-deep in the water keeping an eye on surfers and the children.

“We didn’t even have the dogs out here today,” she said, before joking, “they’ll probably have crime-scene tape up when they’re here next week.”

Oooooooooooh when I was a younger man (and if I’m to be honest all the way up to the present time) this sort of unbending hewing to the “rules” without regard to circumstance would throw me into fits of rage. I would curse, growl, threaten, etc. Border agents, police officers, TSA officials, librarians, crossing guards, and lifeguards have each tasted my impotent fury.

But back to New Jersey and the little teenaged fascist fuckers. I reckon they are way worse than the sharks and if I’m ever in the Garden State I am going to the beach, sans tag, find them and… I don’t know… really say belittling things.

Before that, though, what was your favorite part of this story?

A) Though Booker D. Surfdog and Onyx Shorepound Surfdog were unable to attend as scheduled – one of them was suffering from some bowel discomfort.

or

B) The power-hungry teens were “overly aggressive and belligerent,” and unwilling to share their names when asked, witnesses stated.


Revealed: YOU are a WSL judge!

Blind, confused, easily twisted, into strange genres of pornography!

Oh how I thought the surfboard logo-off was going to be simple, clean, true and unclouded by personal bias. Unsullied by poor choice. If you are new to BeachGrit or haven’t been around for a few days, catch up on the most innovative surf contest ever to be held here.

The Battle of the Brands was supposed to be the antithesis of a World Surf League contest. The WSL is the most wonderful league of all, we can now agree, but has been soiled by very poor judging this year. Don’t you think? Like, ludicrously poor. Like, you or I could smoke it if given the reins dropping near perfect scores every single time in every single heat.

But then look at what you went and did. You just voted Maurice Cole’s logo over Chilli’s logo in a total landslide!

Let us revisit the RULES.

We ain’t talking the performance of the board, the price, the selection etc. etc. No. This battle is purely about logos.

So you folk are telling me this.

totally and completely crushes this.

That’s what you’re telling me?

Our own Mullet voted, writing: “I like the chilli, but the paw print takes it for me. It looks like a really fat person cheering.” And I’ll except his as an outlier. Do you recall when Adriano de Souza’s floater was scored an 8 or 9 or something, beating Owen Wright? Let’s refresh our memories!

Now, in this particular instance I could see how two or three of the judges were inexplicably kinky for floaters. Floaters just getting them super hot and horny in the same way fat people cheering get Mullet super hot and horny. So Mullet’s vote stands.

But the rest of you. Look at the logos again and remember this has nothing to do with shaper nor board nor performance nor price nor nationality nor ethnicity. Only logo. Do you still give the landslide victory to Morris Cole?

Is judging really an impossible thing to do?

Should we all go way lighter on the WSL judges or should we all go way heavier on each other? And I’m not talking “heavier” as in fatty porn, Mullet. I’m talking more brutal. More aggressive.

Which one?


Pops: Why turn your kid into a pro surfer?

You want your kid to ride waves for money? Are you sure?

You got kids? If you do, you know what robust enjoyment they bring.

Mine are delicate-boned little things with guinea-pig faces and glossy hair and if I don’t see them I fall into a dreadful melancholia. Although I’m not one given to end-of-life feelings, any sort of separation sends me into an emotional paralysis.

(You think divorce is easy? Read this if you feel like you want to bust out of your gilded cage.)

One of my favourite things to do is to swim out with one of my kids when it’s a little bigger, hold his hand and, when a set comes, tell him we’ll dive to the bottom, open our eyes and dodge the pillars of foam together.

Anyway,

A few years back, I started dragging ’em out for surfs. Dads know the drill on this. You caddy ’em out onto a waist-deep bank on a foam board, find little corners and push ’em into runners. Because you are an expert your commands are endless and forceful: paddle like this, catch this, stand up now, turn your head, do this, do that.

And you think, what a gift I’m giving my kid. My dad never took me surfing. My dad never revealed the mysteries of the ocean to me. 

If the kid isn’t totally repulsed by the learning process and he starts to improve a little the dad moves to the sand with his video camera, snatching precious vision for post-session analysis. I vacationed in Hossegor a few years ago and was astonished by the dad’s squatting under umbrellas while their kids shimmied to to the beach on their JS’s and DHD’s.

It really is a thing. A dad used to want his kid to be President. Or an architect. A doctor. Education used to be everything. Work hard. Get ahead. Make the world a better place.

Now it’s a pro surfer or, and I see it more in the skate parks, a pro skater.

Is it the illusion of cool?

Is it the failed ambition of daddy manifesting itself in his kids?

I wonder,

Why would you want your kid to be a pro surfer?

Why would you take something that has given you so much and turn it into an insecure, stress-ridden occupation with very little reward?

Bottom line: unless the kid is a masterpiece, an Eli Hanneman or Bronson Meidy, the best he can hope for is a few orbits of the qualifiers and, maybe, best scenario, a year in a WCT jersey.

Toast the bliss of childhood.

Surf with your kid but button your lips, let him (her) make their mistakes, catch the wrong waves, paddle like dumb-asses.

Let ’em enjoy surfing in all its futility and beauty.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLC0VQvgYU4/?taken-by=beach_grit&hl=en