A BeachGrit favorite turns her lonely eyes to
you!
(Editor’s note: Jen is a staple on the comment board. Witty,
insightful, fun and not afraid to mix it up. She is also a notable
writer, with bylines in the Men’s Journal, Adventure Journal,
Breitbart and Playgirl. Having her on BeachGrit is long overdue
especially since our new tagline is “BeachGrit… the nexus where
Breitbart and Playgirl meet!)
Shimmies through open door.
Looks around.
There sure is a lot of white space around here. I should do
something about that, maybe.
Hi. I’m going to come visit you each week starting right about
now. Up here. Instead of down there. It’s weird up here. The air is
so thin. As my long-time friends will tell you, I’m bad at days of
the week. Also, counting. So don’t expect this to be a predictable
only on Tuesdays kind of deal. Sorry editors! Anyway I will make
things for you. Maybe you’ll even like it. I don’t know, I wouldn’t
want to make any rash assumptions.
In the meantime I totally need your expert advice. You see, this
weekend, I have to go to a brand event and there is going to be
SUPing. I’m never quite sure about correct usage here. I am going
to do a SUP. I did a SUP. I am SUPing. Words are really fucking
confusing sometimes.
It seemed like a good idea. This is the time of year when the
surf where I live is super meager. I always know we’re deep in the
summer flats when I start thinking of weird boards I’d like to ride
that probably wouldn’t actually work in real life, but are fun to
imagine.
Like, my current obsession is a super short Mini Simmons. As in,
under 5’0”. I was riding a soft-top 4’6”, you know, one of those
Beater thingies that Catch Surf makes, and thought, hey, maybe I
should make one of these in foam and fiber glass. Yes, I know, this
is a bad idea. But that’s what happens when there’s not really much
in the way of actual surf. You get some really bad ideas.
Anyway you can see why I thought a trip down to Huntington Beach
for some hot SoCal beach break action sounded good. Why the hell
not, she said. It’ll be fun, she said. Also, there was going to be
a surf lesson. I figured this is my chance! I could finally get
better at surfing. That seemed pretty great, actually. I’d like to
get better at surfing.
Then along came a hurricane and it ruined everything. You can’t
do a surf lesson in a hurricane swell, because all the soft tops
would get washed out to sea or something. I’m not actually sure
what would happen, but no doubt it would be dire.
So I’m going to do a SUP. And I really need your help with this.
I have so many questions.
Like first of all, what do I wear for this? There’s a guy who
likes to do the SUP at one of my local spots. He wears quite bright
red board shorts over a wetsuit. Also, booties. This approach seems
aesthetically suspect. But maybe he’s right! Maybe this is totally
correct style for doing the SUP. Do you know? Can you help me?
Also, I’m pretty sure I’m going to fall off it, because I’m good
at falling off things. This seems like an important consideration
in making style decisions. I would not want anything vital to fall
off in the water.
Honestly, I am so worried about doing this whole thing wrong.
What if I carry it backwards? Do the fins go first or last or
somewhere in between? Also, the SUP looks big. I’m not sure my
frail frame can support the SUP. Dropping the SUP would be bad, I
think! But I’m afraid I might drop the SUP. Do I wax the whole SUP?
Or wax it at all? I feel like it would take a lot of wax to do a
SUP.
Do I carry the paddle jauntily down the beach with blade flying
high, as though riding into battle? Or do I just drag it along
behind me in the sand like a sad afterthought? I’m not even sure
what to do with paddles, on the whole. My arms are already attached
to my body, which is a way more convenient arrangement in my
opinion.
I need you to help me do the SUP right, you guys! I’m totally
counting on your wisdom to see me through this deeply uncertain
time.
Also, if anyone knows where I can find a super short
Mini-Simmons, let me know. I remain obsessed! Totally obsessed. And
winter is still so very far away.
