A BeachGrit favorite turns her lonely eyes to you!
(Editor’s note: Jen is a staple on the comment board. Witty, insightful, fun and not afraid to mix it up. She is also a notable writer, with bylines in the Men’s Journal, Adventure Journal, Breitbart and Playgirl. Having her on BeachGrit is long overdue especially since our new tagline is “BeachGrit… the nexus where Breitbart and Playgirl meet!)
Shimmies through open door.
Looks around.
There sure is a lot of white space around here. I should do something about that, maybe.
Hi. I’m going to come visit you each week starting right about now. Up here. Instead of down there. It’s weird up here. The air is so thin. As my long-time friends will tell you, I’m bad at days of the week. Also, counting. So don’t expect this to be a predictable only on Tuesdays kind of deal. Sorry editors! Anyway I will make things for you. Maybe you’ll even like it. I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to make any rash assumptions.
In the meantime I totally need your expert advice. You see, this weekend, I have to go to a brand event and there is going to be SUPing. I’m never quite sure about correct usage here. I am going to do a SUP. I did a SUP. I am SUPing. Words are really fucking confusing sometimes.
It seemed like a good idea. This is the time of year when the surf where I live is super meager. I always know we’re deep in the summer flats when I start thinking of weird boards I’d like to ride that probably wouldn’t actually work in real life, but are fun to imagine.
Like, my current obsession is a super short Mini Simmons. As in, under 5’0”. I was riding a soft-top 4’6”, you know, one of those Beater thingies that Catch Surf makes, and thought, hey, maybe I should make one of these in foam and fiber glass. Yes, I know, this is a bad idea. But that’s what happens when there’s not really much in the way of actual surf. You get some really bad ideas.
Anyway you can see why I thought a trip down to Huntington Beach for some hot SoCal beach break action sounded good. Why the hell not, she said. It’ll be fun, she said. Also, there was going to be a surf lesson. I figured this is my chance! I could finally get better at surfing. That seemed pretty great, actually. I’d like to get better at surfing.
Then along came a hurricane and it ruined everything. You can’t do a surf lesson in a hurricane swell, because all the soft tops would get washed out to sea or something. I’m not actually sure what would happen, but no doubt it would be dire.
So I’m going to do a SUP. And I really need your help with this. I have so many questions.
Like first of all, what do I wear for this? There’s a guy who likes to do the SUP at one of my local spots. He wears quite bright red board shorts over a wetsuit. Also, booties. This approach seems aesthetically suspect. But maybe he’s right! Maybe this is totally correct style for doing the SUP. Do you know? Can you help me?
Also, I’m pretty sure I’m going to fall off it, because I’m good at falling off things. This seems like an important consideration in making style decisions. I would not want anything vital to fall off in the water.
Honestly, I am so worried about doing this whole thing wrong. What if I carry it backwards? Do the fins go first or last or somewhere in between? Also, the SUP looks big. I’m not sure my frail frame can support the SUP. Dropping the SUP would be bad, I think! But I’m afraid I might drop the SUP. Do I wax the whole SUP? Or wax it at all? I feel like it would take a lot of wax to do a SUP.
Do I carry the paddle jauntily down the beach with blade flying high, as though riding into battle? Or do I just drag it along behind me in the sand like a sad afterthought? I’m not even sure what to do with paddles, on the whole. My arms are already attached to my body, which is a way more convenient arrangement in my opinion.
I need you to help me do the SUP right, you guys! I’m totally counting on your wisdom to see me through this deeply uncertain time.
Also, if anyone knows where I can find a super short Mini-Simmons, let me know. I remain obsessed! Totally obsessed. And winter is still so very far away.
Maybe I’m missing something or completely biased against anything breitbart related (even though I’ve never actually read breitbart), because I thought this article was dumb, to say the least. I was shocked to see that my “wtf is this article doing on BG” thoughts were not articulated by the BG shit-talkers. Maybe a women brings out the best in them? Shocking. Nothing against Jen See but I’d rather read something written by a girl that rips, i.e., how she views male-dominated lineups; her perspective on . . . idk, anything. Anyway, I’ll keep on an open mind Jen See. Finally, all mini-simmons are short, so no need to call them “super short”; they’re mini-simmons.
bing speed square
oh. that is totally it.
i must have one of these. must.
If old MC had written this piece he woulda’ been torn limb from limb. Dude’s be thirsty!!
Sounds like someone is itching to submit an article for publication. Best hurry before Toecramp gets his foot in the door!
My last one was rejected! hahahaha. I’m not worried about it. It’s alI for fun! Also, I like Jen See! It’s good to have a female voice here on BG! I was just pointing out that if MC had submitted this for his first piece he woulda’ gotten thrashed. Ya know, the whole SUP thing. Very well written though!
She ask’s more questions than Chase. So maybe she is good..
Great now Steve bannon controls more of my life.
There is no “right way”.
I say wear top and tail. Nothing quite says “notable” while SUPing like a well-fitted tuxedo.
Damn. Girl can write.
Forget SUPing. Let’s go to a boozy SUPPER and you can tell me about the book you are writing about the inside world of the evil Breitbart as I look across the table at you in fandom.
This would kinda rule, really.
Sorry Jen, I’m confused… you once beat Dane Reynolds in a heat at Huntington in a hurricane. But were you riding the mini Simmons or the catch surf?
And if you really want to turn heads with the sup, this should suffice https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
nah that time i was riding the magic board made from unicorn tears
Was my Tellkamp reference too subtle?
Nah he came at me let’s pull him out of the corner he’s been in clutching the silver medal in and get some more horrible shit talking going
Totally not. But to beat Dane at anything I’d need a born made from unicorn tears. So.
Angelo is right. I am in the Greek islands, and if there is anywhere where SUP belongs, it is here. Am taking my daughter to SUP today, and will wear an orange/red/yellow checked Speedo and a straw hat, mainly just for embarassment value, hers, and mine, but also to try to match it with the euro’s and their lack of prudishness.
drop the SUP, pick up the Simmons…. You’ll get waaaaayyy more up votes
As per the Whale’s comment re attire, then just make sure to draw even more attention to yourself by dragging the board by the legrope and paddle across the ground all the way to the water.
Then don’t forget to “stand” farthest out the back and catch every wave even before the mals. Make sure you paddle back out on your knees and fall in as much as possible testing the full length of you 18ft legrope.
Like wise drag the board all the way back to car across rocks if necessary.
Drive home with said board laterally sticking through each window and hope to get sideswiped by passing trucks.
Enjoy your day!!!
be yourself! Miss Jen See.. edited note* (Was what i read any good, i feel like MC got a lot of back wash for his fruitless contribution’s and this didn’t add a damn thing to my day don’t even know if i finished it.) It feels like a bunch of guys at a rock gym and one chic in the room climbing… Not mesmerized yet
heh i am maybe overly familiar with women’s speedos. NEVER AGAIN.
i might get arrested for that here?
SUP is many acronyms…..
Secure Uninhibited Person
hmm i’m not sure that word means what you think it means dude
Inhibited folks don’t wear speedos. Though you could be right. It means unreserved right?
noted. i knew i could count on you guys!
Charlie called you notable. I like that. No pressure at all. Like the Jordy Smith check turn of compliments.
As far as what to wear while SUPing…Pastels. Always Pastels. UNLESS you have a spare Easter bunny suit lying
around like I do, that would work best. And Jimmy Choo heels.
shit, again. now i need heels and a red bikini.
can we do a gofundme for this?
Hell yeah we can change my old one so it looks like somebody gave, people are lemmings.
Are you trying to out self-loathing SUP-ers on BG Jen?
just looking for advice, dude! you guys seem to know so much!
Ok. Well around these parts, the common theme seems to be extra long boardies* over wetsuits amongst the two or three blokes with no shame. (Although, they do seem to get in and out of the water very early, so maybe their is some sense of shame?) The only female around wears either a one piece or bikini in summer, wetsuit in winter. Personally, I prefer the one piece, but the string bikini offers hope in as much as one slipped knot and every bloke is happy.
*Where do you even get extra long boardies? Sure my femur is 30″ long but I haven’t seen any in the local shops for yonks.
SUPing is a bit like anal sex I imagine! I’ve never tried it, it looks like it might be fun, but would leave a deep feeling of shame!
omg
Oh come on now, as long as it’s not all prickly.
Depends on size I guess
I’m not sure which one hurts more the first time?
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
5’3″ Christenson Ocean Racer for you? Small boards work great.
https://sandiego.craigslist…
thats a nice board..
damn, that thing looks fun!
What is it 700$ used?