Kelly Slater surfing's own Marie Antoinette!
Since my Hurley Pro conversion, where I saw the light on the cobbled stone and realized that you are all that matters in this crazy world, you the non-VIP, you the full-retail paying, I have been on a quest to rebalance the scales. I am a surf populist from the soles of my Louis Vuitton drivers to the very tips of my manicured fingers and together we shall overcome.
To be quite honest, I thought we overcame at the Hurley Pro. I thought that the Michelob Ultra set realized the error of their tented ways and understood that the bread of the people is more satisfying than even the freshest chicken ceasar salad wrap.
Oh how I was wrong! Like a superhero who vanquishes one foe only to discover a far more menacing danger lurking right behind, Kelly Slater’s exclusive Surf Ranch rose from the land of cow stink and made the Hurley Pro’s multi-tiered VIP wristband system seem positively egalitarian.
Surf Ranch is like the Palace of Versailles. Kelly like Marie Antoinette looking down upon us and muttering, “Let them drink Michelob Light…”
So out of touch, so mean, but the walls were too high so we had to retreat. To plot another attack. But to attack well we must understand our skill set. Who are the people? Who are we?
Well guess what?
I found out exactly who we are tucked into a story about The People’s Wave Tank in Austin, Texas! Would you like to know thyself?
Surfing’s a multibillion-dollar industry around the country. Surfers — and tourists who want to try surfing — spend money in the coastal towns of California, Florida and Hawaii. Studies show surfers don’t fit the stereotype of uneducated, pot-smoking slackers, either. A 2011 study by the Surfrider Foundation with Surf-First, titled “A Socioeconomic and Recreational Profile of Surfers in the United States,” concluded that the average American surfer was a 34-year-old, educated and employed male who earned $75,000 annually and hit the waves 108 times a year, spending at least $40 a visit.
How did I miss A Socioeconomic and Recreational Profile of Surfers in the United States? Oh I know that 2011 was an economic lifetime ago but still. You are a 34-year-old, educated and employed male earning $75,000 annually and the tears are welling up in my eyes right now. How do you even live? How do you even begin to live?
I feel all of your pain and so let us gather your Toyota Tacomas and Toyota Tundras. Let us put the few Sprinter vans out front and let us rush the gate.
A reckoning is coming to surfing and its name is Slightly Lower Middle Class.
1%, you have been warned.
$40 a session, interesting. That’s about what 1 wave at Decadence Ranch would cost you.
It’s pretty easy math if you know the initial cost to build the park.
((Park cost/365)/12) / # Waves Per Hour
Let’s assume it’s open 365 days a year and is open 12 hours a day, can generate a wave every 5 mins (12 waves/hr) and the initial cost is $2M…
((2000000/365)/12) / 12 = $38.05 per wave
This also assumes covering construction costs in the 1st year, and doesn’t account for other niceties such as electricity, water, employees, insurance or bottomless tubs of Mich Ultra for the plebians. I saw a mention of $100/wave which seems more realistic and would suggest a higher initial cost (~$5M). Plug and play your own numbers and find out at what point you sell your soul to this devil.
Chas is this going to change your stance on Laird?
Laird vs Kelly! That’s so BeachGrit it makes me want to sing.
75K?? I fuckin wish…I sling a skil 100 to pay the mortgage
Frame on
I’m bored. This is boring Chas. Change the channel for fucks sake. You’ll never live how common people do.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
The wave-starved, middle-class masses are coming, Kelly! And a pure imagination isn’t required to grasp the results.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
So wait till Kelly’s last move… and I heard this from reliable sources:
Wave Ranch will host one of the events of WSL Big Wave Tour!
60 feet waves, or more, on the left wave and the right wave!
The event will count for WSL ranking too.
Kelly you smuggler son of bitch…
He’s a thundercat with vision beyond reach …
ps: This photo was taken this morning at a test event, still without surfers!
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Does it matter if the wave goes left or right for a BWT Event, really?
Hahahahaha no… not really!
I am fucking wavering here since Derek introduced the idea of sipping gin ponies while wealthy heiresses blew smoke in our faces masking the stink of cow dung and chlorine post tube fest.
Surely a man of the people could find a wealthy sugar mumma ready to finance an artificial tub or three?
You can have all this and more on the sand in front of any world class wave! Stay strong.
To be honest so am I but temptation litters the path to greatness. Right?
Why is lack of education and pot smoking so lazily linked? I learned to pack a bong properly at university.
I am older, make more money, have less education and own a sprinter. I don’t spend anywhere near $40 when I surf.
At the Ranch $40 will get you a Dixie cup of water. Without ice. That’s extra. More $ if you want to opt out of being designated wave-runner re-fueler.
Seeing Rosie drinking a Michelob light kind of got me all hot and bothered.
Someone should put that in a resume.
Confusingly, not the same email used on their Disqus profile either!
How many 34yo “Yeah I surf” candidates were interviewed?
but they are 40 year olds now , are much richer than in 2011 , and have been pining for a K-Pool ever since they put on more weight and now have to spend a good part of their lives counting money and drinking M-lite.
The real story here is the French were at the K-Pool , getting ready to host the 2024 Olympics , and yes ,build a K-Pool in Paris at the Palace of Versailles and the will have cake!
Meanwhile, less kids are surfing than ever. Like today right now, around my home beaches it is 2′, offshore, warm, perfect little sandbar waves everywhere. It’s the first day of the spring school holidays. And there’s nobody out but a few bankers and a old guy on a goat boat. No kids. It’s like no bees — a real sign of doom.
Fewer
god damn it
Sorry Nick, It’s one of my linguitastical bugbears.
Less / fewer and the misuse of the word ‘unique’.
What do reckon got them? Scooters? Instagram?
parents.
It’s a sign of great whites following the whales south in WA. Shark fear has removed a generation of grommets.
Oh no its the baby Doomers who are still ruining the planet and sold out the future generations just so they could milk every last ounce of fun out of the planet and leave the kids wave pools and I-phones!!
Has there been a call for a cull yet to restore the natural order of our glorious youth sport ??
Oh yes! There has. But nobody can decide which Doomers to cull. There’s so fucken many of them.
would culling them all ,upset the natural eco system of the human race , or would it just be sort of a voluntary euthanasia based program to return surfing to its true roots , youth!
yeah I am afraid this is a case of Charlton Heston requiring the gun to be torn from his cold dead hands.
I work in the surfschool trade, there’s not that many kids really. Footy/soccer/Pokemon go is way cooler with the kids. Most of our clients are either backpackers wanting to get their shred on or people with money a career an limited time to learn something pretty hard on your own. People might hate on em but at least they wanna learn so they aren’t that kook just sitting in the way.
They’re all on holiday in Bali with their divorced dads.
I’m just an average American tourist. Wonderful. Just wonderful.
If i clip some buds can i put up my tent?