Were no heartland surfers at the Future Classic? Let's look!
Have you already begun painting your signs for our resistance People’s March on Lemoore? What slogans are you using? I think “We Are Surfing’s 99%” is a good one, if you haven’t decided yet. “Resist Genetically Modified Surfing!” is another. A third? What about “Let America Surf!” because did you know that there might not have been one professional surfer who makes his or her home in the contiguous 48 in the Future Classic?
Could it be true?
Nate Yeomans, salt-of-the-earth fella who sometimes sports a truly American handlebar moustache took to Instagram yesterday, writing:
I think we can all agree to that @kswaveco pretty much looks like the best thing ever. The event the other day looked all time!!! Question? Did anyone else think it was extremely odd that this wave pool sits smack dab in the middle of the Golden state, but yet there wasn’t a single mainland American involved in the event???
If this thing was located down under and not a single Aussie was involved I’m sure you would have heard an up roar. At least a good ribbing from a couple close mates. Am I just a Jealous Seppo that somehow wishes a golden ticket would come my way? Either way, I believe there are plenty of well qualified men and women that would gladly chuck some tail with the best of them.
And yes, Nate, I thought it was odd. I thought it was odd that the World Surf League took the people’s pastime, shared in God’s blue ocean under God’s yellow sun, without thought to race, religion, color or creed and put it in an exclusive swimming pool. I thought it was odd that they put that exclusive pool in the heartland of America where hard working ranchers and farmers toil for the nation. I thought it was odd that they built a severe wall around it and served ice-cold Michelob Ultras to the hyper-wealthy inside, who had flown there on private jets, while the people outside strained their necks for even the blurriest glimpse and that I only had warm Veuve to slake my thirst.
I thought it was odd that Kolohe Andino, Connor Coffin, Nat Young, each more American than the last, were left at home, quietly humming the Star Spangled Banner to themselves. Tears in their patriotic eyes.
I THOUGHT IT WAS ODD THAT…
Oh wait. Kelly Slater just weighed in:
5/18 surfers were American (excluding me who was injured). Weird post. Kind of complimentary and kind of backhanded.
And lots of other people weighed in too, listing Courtney, Kanoa, Sage, etc. who were there behind the wall drinking ice-cold Michelob Ultras with the upper crust. And Nate then laughed and said the above post will be the end of his ranting on social media career.
Shit.
Well… don’t let this cool your fire. The march is still on we’ll just sort out a third slogan to use. Maybe, “Mr. Slater… Tear Down This Wall!” Or “My Body My Choice!”
What do you think?
kelly has turned into such a liberal softie cunt.
(Holds hand up)
I’ve not had any for a while please Sir.
Make Lemorre Great Again
r you serious o you bein’ funny?
Funny? Just trying to help with a slogan for Chas’ nuclear attack
It was a poor attempt at humor on my part. You spelled Lemoore wrong. But now that I think about it, that god foresaken town deserves to be misspelled.
do you spell it ,”L’amour?”
Only if your name is Derek Rielly.
By the way chas why are we 5 or 6 click baits deep on the future pro, are you I jealous team stab(ex BG non paid employees association) did everything you said couldn’t be done, flew a drone in, set up cherry picker and eventually allowed in?
Easy mistake for nate to make because no one was meant to know who was there?
At what point in time do we separate Kelly from his wave and chalk it up to WSL being WSL?
when Dirk Ziff fires Kelly , or when Pamela finally comes back home to Kelly , plasticless!
Is the Beachgrit community the nerds playing video games scoffing at the party they didn’t get invited to whilst they play video games and stare at their mates mothers tits? Let’s all be honest now. I’m wearing pyjamas.
I strictly wear pajamas
Confession: I have used and abused wavepools. I had little choice. Once you pay to get inside the wall, you are compromised and can’t easily get back to the carefree days of youth. But it was necessary to feed my addiction. Oh yes, most of you would do it too were you in my circumstances. And you would like it.
5 years living in the thriving metropolis of Abu Dhabi will do it. Closest wave is an hour and a half away, and that is at best, a waist high mess of wind slop to share with a flotilla of self-entitled and barely enabled 3 months out of a two hour surf ‘lesson’ Europeans and Phillipinos. Real waves are a 10 hour drive to the east of Oman. And when you get there, there’s no home comforts bar one decent hotel between Sur and Sallalah, a distance of 1000 plus what ever you measure in. It’s tents and byo water, food and medicine. It’s scorpions, stingrays and sand. It’s interesting, genuinely nice people providing really tasty food who take some time to find out who you are and why you’re cruising through their neck of the sand. All in the hope of finding something better than waist high wind slop, and even if you don’t, the experience is worthwhile.
So yeah, I dabbled in wavepool, in Al Ain. A two hour drive from door to exclusive wall. It was comforting to know that I’d be getting a clean, shoulder high wave every four minutes for that effort. Rights, lefts and best of all; a wedgey wall that would run into a closeout, which had the most power and fun. There was a price, too much to be able to afford to really satisfy my deepest craving, but an hour in the blazing 40C plus sun was a physical as much as financial limit.
But I had no choice. A ten hour journey (one way) for the slight possibility of waves or two hours with a guarantee. What would you do? I played the game. Worked around the popular times, gamed it so I would share the ‘public’ sessions where up to six could be in the pool, with one other so we would get 15 waves each, rather than 5. (And if you saw the carnage produced by self-entitled Euros and Phillipinós, you would avoid too). Because I couldn’t afford the private sessions, where privilege paid for waves. And I liked it. I kept going back because I had nowhere else to go, (‘steers and queers’, no, more like ‘sand and hand’). I paid through the nose.
But offer me the ocean for 20c of petrol and I’ll take that ‘natural’ high every day. Sure, I might try the Webber or Kelly pool once, to see what it was like compared to the desert pool, but when I can get a fix elsewhere, would I keep going back?
It seems to me the allegory between sex dolls and super models is unrealistic. It’s more between a real woman and having a wank. When the idea first pops into your head, you think ‘yeah, that’ll be really cool’. Then you get there and you feel a bit silly, but you go through the motions and get the job done. Afterwards, you can’t help but think the alternative is way more satisfying.
yes but as the K pool , only generates a wave every 6 minutes , will you pay $1000 per wave so as the elites can start making their money back ..
or……
Will you just go the music /surf/drinking/eating festivals to watch the elite competition?
0r just go for a surf wank in the ocean?
I prefer to do so in the company of a few mates at a secluded beach somewhere.
ah a good surf wank with your mates , are you in Dereks little pony club also , as I think a bit of rainbow wanking goes on there?
You’d have some pretty solid rainbow stories to share I reckon Brutus. Don’t be shy.
I actually have a problem with a minority group who hijacked our beautiful Rainbows for their global proliferation , bit like those middle aged blokes who started the My Little pony club , and try to have a show every year….
but the world donkey wanking championships , now there’s a some stiff competition!
I’m with the unicorns. Derek is draining gin ponies and I forget who is the BG reporter on the World Donkey Wanking Championships.
“carnage produced by self-entitled Euros and Phillipinós”
I’d totally love / hate to see footage of that.
BTW on a related question, possibly for Splendor: is a kook still a kook, when it is in a wavepool of any description?
Doesn’t that environment in itself make kooks of anyone partaking? The ‘need’ for seriousness and ocean-based water knowledge is defunct in the playground of the wavepool. The pecking order is null and void.
A kook is always a kook, but not everyone who surfs in a wavepool is a kook. In the UAE it was a necessary and reasonably priced evil in comparison with plunking one down near a real wave producing coast line. Your point about ‘ocean-based water knowledge’ is valid to an extent. Up to the moment when you’re a sharing the pool with some unknown punters, and one blows their turn, paddles back and claims a mulligan. That shit didn’t fly with this duck.
I only tried to surf with unknown punters once. After an hour of sharing waves with a mate, (30/2), we were offered the next hour at a discount rate with a group of four expats from Dubai. “Heck, why not?”we said. One (American), when asked if they had surfed before said “I grew up in California. I surfed all the time until I came to Dubai.” Guess which one asked for a go around? The others asked for the wave to be made into a full closeout so they could all catch it together. Boards were going everywhere, full carnage mode. I paddled in…
Any way to get your rocks off I reckon. I once rode a pink inflatable air mattress in one foot wind swell in Southern Italy. Spied some whitewater breaking off the side of a marina. One of the best fucking surfs I’ve ever had. And it wasn’t because of the litre carafe of dubious white wine I consumed over lunch. But the wine did motivate me to find the local sport store to buy my mat…
Absolutely. ‘Hold my beer’ doesn’t always mean a bad idea.
They probably went and surfed real waves honestly.
If Kanoa was for California he was waving the wrong Flag.No Stars No Stripes No Bears just one beautiful Red Circle on a White background .Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence.I , I am a man of many colours.Thought Mr smith would like any film featuring the SKINNY and androgynous David Bowie.
Amer…
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
GOAT Ranches Are Inhumane! PETA! People for the Ethical Treatment of America!
Full of foot in mouth disease. Wait that’s his Instagram,nevermind.
https://youtu.be/DV_3qx-oBms
Kelly’s wave seemed less racist than my local
Saddened to read that surfing is “the people’s pastime…without thought to race, religion, color or creed”.
I always thought with surfing I’d safely established myself as white and middle class.
Ah yes .The wonderful European take on the subculture of surfing.B de G I agree. In my second life in my second surfing town we had sons of a knight , Château owing Swiss Aristocrats and a plethora of the Well to do extreme left with weekend cottages .
I like your interpretation of my name. Maybe I should change it to Bleach d’Git.
I was lazy but the B de G sounds a bit like the French PDG . Assuming your Belge tu sais ce que ça veut dire . Bleach’d GIt could be from anywhere but Bleach de Git or van Git or von Git shows the New Worlders like myself that you are capable of using the past to interpret the Now .
Ha! Very observant. No, I just used the postal address of the European Commission in a comment. I live at the other end – Basque Country.
I understand the elitist thing and exclusion of the rest. But, I’m not even sure this is a wave I’d even want to ride more than once. If I don’t get that opportunity, I think I get over it pretty easily.
Lots of Americans attending. Just not the type I’d like to associate with. I’ll continue to find my joy in the ocean. This false artificial wave is a mirror of what’s wrong with the world. Since when would a surfer drive inland to surf? It’s nothing more than a plastic sex doll version of the real thing. The same mentality creates nuclear power single use plastic and a disposable society addicted to reality TV and social media
I would drive inland to get barreled. I pretty much just get stoned all day waiting for it to clean up or be big enough to ride (Florida) its kinda like legal pot, you guys have it and we need it.
Congrats on passing the bar exam turd.
I went to the university of tortola so my records no longer exist like most the Caribbean,however i have this plaque that says i attended,go ‘landcrabs’ (our hockey team)
have you seen a real doll?
I would drive inland for a plastic sex doll.
I’m here because matt biolos told me i should be mad,several times vaugley thru IG!