I demand of the powers, "What did you know and when did you know it?"
We neither believe nor push conspiracy here, you know that. We believe in facts. Like those surrounding Hillary Clinton’s pedophile pizza establishment. Like those surrounding ex-president Barrack Osama’s Nigerian birthplace. And most recently like those surrounding one Jordy Smith’s epic cockup in Portugal versus Josh Kerr.
Jordy Smith was world number two and nipping at John John’s heels. The tour was heading toward Pipeline and ready to deliver an epic showdown. Jordy Smith totally blew it and accidentally lost to Josh Kerr.
So what happened? Let us turn to the facts.
Fact: Josh Kerr, retiring at year’s end and not wanting to surf competitively professionally any more, refused to even pretend to fight Jordy during the heat. He paddled as far as he could away from him. He coughed up priority on dumpy little things as soon as he got it. He actively cheered for Jordy to make barrels.
Fact: In the post heat interview Josh said that he was actively cheering for Jordy to make barrels and was sad when he didn’t. He also revealed that Jordy was his roommate whilst in country and that “things might have been different” if Jordy had offered him some “money.”
Fact: The World Surf League had pre-programmed Jordy’s post heat interview into the system.
The powers knew Jordy would be there because giving John John a probable opponent heading into the final at Pipeline would create drama, storyline and views. Easy.
Therefore: The League scripted Jordy’s win.
So what happened?
Probably: Jordy pocketed Josh Kerr’s bribe money. The judges, after reading days and days of BeachGrit, realized the error in rewarding safety surfing at just the wrong time. The powers totally assumed that the judges would also reward the safest surfing forevermore and forgot about BeachGrit. John John will win the next nine titles. Kelly Slater will reveal his Surf Ranch on the moon to distract from John John’s 11th title. Jordy Smith will open a failed bar on the moon featuring three different rooms with three different moods.
One will be “Cockup.”
After scanning this article I’m ready for some Women’s golf and motorcycle racing repeats! Speaking of repeats. “Surfing contests are un-watchable” Josh Kerr has positioned himself on the right side of history!
what about Mason Ho and Medina?
Mason wHo?
“In 1993, during the Semi -Finals of the Pipe Masters, Hawaiian Larry Rios effectively blocked Australian Gary “Kong” Elkerton from claiming a maiden World Surfing Title. The crown was eventually won by Hawaiian Derek Ho. In 2017, during the 3rd Rounds of the Hurley Pro and the MEO Pro, South African Jordy Smith effectively blocked South African Jordy Smith from claiming a maiden World Surfing Title. The crown was eventually won by Hawaiian John John Florence.” – Source: The Big Book of Great Surfing Fuck Ups
Doesn’t Jordy have a history of blocking himself? Pat G v Jordy in The Search SF Ocean Beach. Pat G gets injured doing a rodeo and Jordy sits out the last 20 minutes of the heat blocking himself on every wave he, himself, tries to paddle in to.
A masturbatory tactic!
I foresee a few less flamboyant claims from Jordy in the near future…
He could count the number of missed opportunities and chokes on both hands like a spirit fingers type claim and it would be pretty flamboyant.
Nigeria? That’s crazy talk. Obama was born in Kenya.
Shit.
Are the commentators blabbing that Jordy is one of the best surfers to never win a world title yet?
(It’s much harder to follow the script with the volume switched off)
Well they can’t use Taj anymore.
Cheyne Horan was the original, runner up four times.
Far beyond my years.
And Kong three times. Oh the pain.
kong was the biggest spaz in the history of surfing, the complete opposite of JJF’s non moving arms
Harsh but true!
kong charged sunset. my first board was a Hot Stuff “Kong” model
CK
Cheyne got balls to try change his own destiny, by all forms that he have at hands at this time, facing a guy, Richards, that rips on singles fins at huge sets, and rips in smaller conditions in a twin…
Simon doesn’t have invented the thruster, and Cheyne doesn’t have equipaments at this era to hold his power (much more power surf than Richards) and he never adapted to the twins
Bye this time Cheyne tries everything in fins, strange shapes, and dive deep with his partnership with McCoy.
But he, at this time, have balls to try….
Cheyne ripped and was a visionary
Jordy Smith, The ambassador of choke and griever.
After this article, the mood in the BG office will forevermore be, “Remember when the WSL stopped returning our calls. And emails. And Richie Porta probably/possibly spoke to his lawyer”.
You really think this is the worst stone I’ve thrown toward Santa Monica?
Not by half. But your headline is a legal department defamation dream!
Oh. We are sort of based in America so…… basically no such thing!
Ha! I just hope your Gucci loafers are in your wife’s name…
They are now!
Not a legal issue for the BG crew here. By “fix”, Chas means correcting all of the fucktard scoring choices over the past few years by the WSL judges. Maybe the new Queen of the WSL or the previous Prince of the UFC have bent some ears with the word that nobody likes a shit ton of 10’s thrown around like mass doses of Hepatitis A vaccines on the streets of San Diego.
you could try , “how does a privately owned US corporation deal with having a subjective judging system?”
I just up voted and down voted myself with a single, accidental swipe of my thumb. Technology rules.
The BG office? Isn’t that located in someone’s Mom’s garage?
I like the sound of this bar on the moon.
I fucking hate space. I watched a film called “Life” the other night that confirmed that I want squarely fuck all to do with anything that isn’t good old Earth.
yeah, me too. Fuck space. Waste of fucking space.
I think I could call Jordy in to open up this CockUp bar out here in Lennox Head…I have a little shed in the back yard that would be perfect.
All I read there was “head”, “shed” and “cock up Jordy”.
Right up your alley?
Well the words did jump out, so I don’t suppose I can discount it just yet, even at this stage in life.
I’ll spare you the back alley puns etc.
you space haters need to chill https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Have the bodies in those barrels decomposed already?
Well I took Josh Kerr at 11/5 and am quids in because I saw this coming. (I also had a rather lovely 7 fold acc from Rd3 come in. And another which was very nearly lucrative if it weren’t for bloody Italo. Again).
I’d make another bet that Jordy blew his stack on Kerr as well and accepted career harikari in exchange for cash money. Cashing in his chips now saves face rather than going to Hawaii in contention and being round 3 bitch slapped by Mason Ho.
I mean, let’s be real, his isn’t exactly a face you would trust. He’s got slinky little eyes. And it’s always seemed that he likely has the fortitude and will power of a fat toddler in an ice cream shop.
Fuck Jack Freestone. I had a 4 heat multi, nice and easy paying me either $40 or $65 from $1 only Adriano or Jeremy had to win that match up not fucken Jack Freestone making his first heat of the year. Dick move Jack.
Yeah, but you’ve got to expect that at this time of the year. As soon as the pressure is off some of these outsiders cut loose, and the contenders choke. I had Pupo and Kanoa in that acc as well as Kerr.
You really had Kerr winning the heat? If so will you be my investment advisor?
Was it really that hard to predict? Jordy pretty much had to win and Josh Kerr had decided he didn’t have anything to lose anymore. Perhaps didn’t play out like I thought it might, but the result was expected.
But if you’re looking for investment advice – cryptocurrencies and blockchain tech.
This is fucked. My account took a hammering that night. Like any good gambler I doubled down need a miracle next round 😬
Seabass, JJF, Federico and Mick for rd4.
Great odds on the 3-man heats but it’s pretty much money down the drain!
I know, but I do so well in them sometimes. I just have to abstain.
In between the normal running commentary of my life (nice squirting… knifes under the hood, etc) the voice in my head told me “Jordi’s been offered 194lb of Boom to throw this one.” Blow for blow if you will.
Squirters have never fascinated me. Too many trips to Bunnings for plastic sheeting.
Can’t just rinse it and hang it out to dry?
I’ve always found a gallon of petrol and a match works wonders for all manner of stains.
My friend swore by using a bit of a spidey man move on all his chicks and it got them spraying the room. Then I sent him the article about the spray being piss and he was less excited about his discovery.