A union is formed to break the stranglehold of World Surf League oppression!
Oooooh you know how angry Surf Ranch makes me. I boil for you, the people, who were uninvited to the maiden event, left beyond the wall, treated like the cows roaming the fields. And your servants in the surf media, dedicated to every story that happens in our surfing world, we were left out too. We dutifully cover the littlest stories, like Adriano de Sousa and Adriana Lima, asking for nothing in return. And for this we get treated like Pakistani dogs.
Oooooh the World Surf League, hereafter known as Upper Management, believes it owns the keys but it is WE the surfing people who are the means of production. For too long we have been force fed a diet of bland gruel. For too long we have been meekly thankful for Rosie Hodge post-heat interviews.
The maiden Surf Ranch event was billed as a very small, totally private kicking of the tires. But then everyone had gorgeous jerseys that read Future Classic and many extremely wealthy people toasted Michelob Ultras and the New York Times reported that this event had the “perfect conditions for pro surfing.”
“The perfect conditions for pro surfing.” The people locked entirely out. The people forgotten. The people lapping gruel or maybe warm Grey Goose and soda.
And so surf media has no choice but to unionize and carry out a one day strike on behalf of the people. The Quiksilver France Pro will be commencing in less than a week and the storylines are legion. Title race closer than peas in a pod. Keanu Asing, last year’s champion, sidelined. It is anyone’s game but the finals will not be covered in any surf media.
The day will be dark (other than the bright light emanating from our joint singing of Internationale).
But the day after will be a glorious one. It will be like International Workers Day and Bastille Day combined. Upper Management brought to its knees. The people behind the wall toasting Michelob Ultras in the carved out skulls of investment bankers.
Viva the people!