Erasing the entire past!
I’ve been an angry man of the people this week. Cantankerous. Hot under the baby blue Yves St. Laurent collar. First it was the finally-sunk-in realization that the Pipeline Masters is really and truly getting pushed to the start of the calendar instead of ending the season like God decreed many eons ago. Then it was that Trestles and its social stratification leveling charm was being removed from tour altogether.
Now it is the wholly expected hype the Surf Ranch event is getting/will get. Kelly Slater appeared on many social media feeds yesterday declaring it will be so outstanding that we’ll basically forget the ocean entirely. Stab, trying to outpace Venice-adjacent pal The Inertia by fluffing Kelly went one further and declared, “Lemoore’s May event will mark the first-ever World Championship Tour event in history.”
The first-ever World Championship Tour event in history.
Oh I know that a word or two was simply left out of the sentence. I imagine it was supposed to read, “The first-ever World Championship Tour event to take place in a wave pool in history.” Or probably, and less balky, “The first-ever surf pool event in World Championship Tour history.”
In any case, I feel what was actually printed is a better representation of how the event will be billed.
Hyperbole will fill the air. Superlatives. First-ever. Best ever. Perfect. Perfection.
And listen to me. Grumpy. Grouchy. Anti-anti depressive. What the hell is my problem? I don’t want to be the luddite. I don’t want to be the man ludicrously pushing against the march of science. I want to love a level playing field, chance being erased from the game but… I don’t know. It all feels…. sad. Maybe I’m just not ready yet. Maybe I’m still mourning Trestles. Maybe I need to stop drinking bourbon and get back to fruity vodka drinks.
Am I wrong? Will the Michelob Ultra Surf Ranch Classic be the most exciting event on tour? Do I need to get back to fruity vodka drinks?
Is bourbon souring my disposition?
Cunts being cunts (WSL)
Most importantly…i’d suggest you switch to rum, dark rum’s, not that clear crap.
Wave pools will not be surfing contest, there’s no dealing with variables of a Natural surfing environment, so they’ll be “tricks” contest. Everyone will be starting with the same blank canvas and those who do the best tricks will win!, It will be epic, it will push the boundaries of what can be done on a surfboard and it will eventually require radical redesign of surfing equipment, especially for wave pools…that’s where it will go and i don’t have a problem with that, it will be entertaining. Having said that… to me it will never be a surfing contest….the surfing contest that i enjoy involve surfers understanding, evaluating and performing to the various moods that the ocean is throwing at them on the day, The better surfer getting great waves by being in the right place at the right time,on the right equipment for the conditions and location, strategically moving around in the line up to out do their fellow competitors.
Wave pools will be great but should be a completely separate circuit in my opinion. The wave pool has no place in today’s tour.
I like good beach breaks over point breaks because every wave is different and wedgy and closes out, or doesn’t close out. A barrel is not guaranteed so when it happens its sick. It’s fun and entertaining to watch. I love Portugal and France. I fall asleep watching the best surfers in the world at J-Bay. Who cares if Jordy’s turn is sharper and faster than whoever. Same fucking shit every time. And Kelly’s pool isn’t even J-Bay. Its mini J-Bay. The contest they already had there looked boring as shit in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to hopefully one day surf a perfect manmade wave. But that’s different than wanting to watch someone else surf one.
Your a fkn weird cunt
would Andy have created a wavepool? No! Sure he had his vices, but creating a fake wave would never have crossed his mind.
Enough already
Generic oat bran For The Win.
They could travel the east coast leg in Prados towing caravans. Call them the Grey Hodads.
Surfers are not you.
Surfers = army of newcomers + european, south american, Asian peeps. Disgruntled old male surfers in usa & aus can suck it. The future is not yours, and just as well. You royally fucked it. Now it is our turn (to royally fuck it). We could of course fuck it together.
The Pornhub WCT: come get royally fucked with us
(Sophie, i am available for pr. Call me)
Cialis
Someone has got to pinch a loaf off in the wave pool before the event
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
..which nontoxic puts the “Hilarious” on the headings.
Looky here. I had to surf an outer Noosa point break with a) a bloke who wears a life vest and doesn’t appear to catch any waves, b) a guy who parked his jet ski in the bay before paddling to the break, (he could actually surf, but was riding a hypto), c) a clown who if he can’t make it to his feet on his mal rides it as a fucking kneeboard and d) any number of inept fat bastards on over-volumed meals who seem to think that drop-knee takeoffs are a style thing trying to run people over rather than actually surf the waves.
The sooner wavepools infest the landscape and the ocean empties of these ducks ticks* the sooner I become anti-depressed.
*’ducks ticks’ is the auto correct version of fucksticks
“nontoxic” is auto correct for cuntox
Good to know. Now I can smirk as I label some twerp ‘nontoxic’.
Please forgive the following verbosity….. No, it wont be the most exciting event on tour. But the WSL will tell us it is. On repeat until we we all vomit in the streets. This event is the culmination of a culture war that has been raging since Rabbit left the hot seat. He was the last fucking surfer in charge who had any clue about what surfing actually means to surfers. The mentality of the current people in charge, and let’s be up front and put Kelly in the centre of this group, is beyond comprehension. They merely want to OWN a PRODUCT but the great thing is, they actually cant. They are fucked before they start. However, they are so focused on control and making money that they are blind to the reality of who is actually interested in surfing. It’s fucking surfers! They want to seduce the general public by turning our beautiful, richly storied and unique past time into cheap arse entertainment. Put a gate on the venue, charge admission, sell a heap of shit product, fizz up a contrived “party” atmosphere, parade cock sucking “surfing celebs” before us and watch the dollars roll on in. It actually makes me sick to my fucking stomach. The great thing is, an alternative tour will arise from the ashes of this shit show. I bet someone is working on the logistics right now and I can’t wait until they show their hand and steer the bus away from the crumbling cliff in Lemoore.
Heard someone describing the powers that be in the US as addicted to money. And that handing them the power to control the economy is the same as giving an addict a mountain of cocaine and saying “divide this equally amongst the people who need it”. The WSL seems to be very inward looking for direction, in a similar way.
Nik, this may be the most intelligent analysis yet seen on this forum thing yet.
Well I guess that’s the risk isn’t it — that the strategy finally drags pro surfing too far away from actual surfing, so that ever-thinner connection finally just goes “twang”, like some exhausted supraspinatus tendon, and it just can’t paddle any more. IN which case it’ll need the pool more than ever.
But then again…check out that Allentown shot below. Pro surfing has been through many far more embarrassing moments than this in the past and somehow survived.
Survived but hardly flourished. You’re right though, it’s a tenuous connection that still exists between the highly personal act of surfing and the directly relatable experience we get from watching elite surfers in world class waves. I reckon it’s the pool that will snap that connection as it’s an experience most surfers can’t relate to. Anyway, fuck this, I need to go and surf some shitty, onshore waves to clear my head…
“tendinous” simile.
I hate these douchebags trying to steal something that’s meaningful to me
But again, I can’t wait for them all to fuck it up royal, it all crashes in a QuikBongOuterknown clusterfuck, and hopefully surfing slides away from the mainstream. I can dream
I’m with you all the way.
Outerknown are having an online warehouse sale right now. Up to 70% off all over priced clothing. Maybe the clusterfuck is in full swing.
Most surfers can’t relate to because they haven’t and probably will never surf the pool, but my kids will and they love the concept, the WSL is playing a very long game here and so far so good
I don’t like the WSL long game. I’m going to take my kids to Indo. Have fun in Lemoore!
I could tell you something, but I can’t.
I bet 🙂 I hope whatever it is, it flies! This really is a watershed moment and most of us know deep in our bones that this pool, while technically amazing, lacks the magic we tap into when we go surfing. Not performing for a crowd of potential consumers, just plain old surfing.
ha ha ha ha ha they’ll have to convince the surfers first.
Nick How to you get on the Ranch to watch this Lottery A List Ticket sale ??
Who knows? Maybe they will pre-sell tickets! Maybe you just drive up there and wait outside.
I hope it rains
What about that Allentown wavepool event back in the 80’s? I believe Tom Carrol took the win.
It was majestic! https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Such a long wave period…
8 man heats were perhaps unnecessary.
Mike Parsons, TC, not sure, Kong, wait, what. Who is this scrawny runty type? I thought all 80s era surfers were he-man blokes.
Your Kong looks more like Vince Collier.
Maybe. It is fun to imagine what would be going through his head whoever he is though.
Rabbit, Curren, Thorson?
ha ha Parsons, Carroll, D Ho, Elko, Rabbit, Parmenter, Mitch T, Curren
Wondering if the Widow Maker worked for DP?
they look… not excited, really.
That’s a very attractive blue and yellow short john, wish it was warm enough where I am to justify owning one.
Surely the photographer of this masterpiece won the Pulitzer.