Historic: Surf Ranch “first-ever CT event!”

Erasing the entire past!

I’ve been an angry man of the people this week. Cantankerous. Hot under the baby blue Yves St. Laurent collar. First it was the finally-sunk-in realization that the Pipeline Masters is really and truly getting pushed to the start of the calendar instead of ending the season like God decreed many eons ago. Then it was that Trestles and its social stratification leveling charm was being removed from tour altogether.

Now it is the wholly expected hype the Surf Ranch event is getting/will get. Kelly Slater appeared on many social media feeds yesterday declaring it will be so outstanding that we’ll basically forget the ocean entirely. Stab, trying to outpace Venice-adjacent pal The Inertia by fluffing Kelly went one further and declared, “Lemoore’s May event will mark the first-ever World Championship Tour event in history.”

The first-ever World Championship Tour event in history.

Oh I know that a word or two was simply left out of the sentence. I imagine it was supposed to read, “The first-ever World Championship Tour event to take place in a wave pool in history.” Or probably, and less balky, “The first-ever surf pool event in World Championship Tour history.”

In any case, I feel what was actually printed is a better representation of how the event will be billed.

Hyperbole will fill the air. Superlatives. First-ever. Best ever. Perfect. Perfection.

And listen to me. Grumpy. Grouchy. Anti-anti depressive. What the hell is my problem? I don’t want to be the luddite. I don’t want to be the man ludicrously pushing against the march of science. I want to love a level playing field, chance being erased from the game but… I don’t know. It all feels…. sad. Maybe I’m just not ready yet. Maybe I’m still mourning Trestles. Maybe I need to stop drinking bourbon and get back to fruity vodka drinks.

Am I wrong? Will the Michelob Ultra Surf Ranch Classic be the most exciting event on tour? Do I need to get back to fruity vodka drinks?

Is bourbon souring my disposition?

The best marriage ever!
The best marriage ever!

Podcast: “Gimme 20 Pipe wildcards!”

Gimme surf as blood sport!

What a wild few days it has been, earth quaking tour moves from the Santa Monica offices of the World Surf League blasting our complacency, making us question the very meaning of life. What is it all about? What does it all mean? When is ok to do right to do wrong to do right? Where have all the flowers gone?

Why doesn’t the World Surf League allow 20 Hawaiians into the Pipeline Masters?

I wondered this, two days before the League issued its memorandum on the updated tour schedule, in front of David Lee Scales during our bi-weekly chat.

He had argued, a few days prior, that the World Surf League should treat Hawaii like it does every other stop on tour. That it is an “international competition” and that the rules have to be the same at each location in order for it to mean anything and this sent me into an introspective pit.

Why do I watch professional surfing? And I realized that I don’t care at all about discovering who the “best surfer on the best waves” is. It is either John John or Filipe and the WSL could save much money by flying those two around and having them fight it out. No, I don’t care about “bests” or even “goods.” I watch professional surfing purely on a heat by heat basis and want each one of those heats to have much drama. I want each one of those heats to have its own live-or-die storyline. I want the possibility for glory or devastation in every 30 minute nibble.

I want surfing as blood sport and tossing 20 Hawaiian hand grenades into the carefully laid plans of mice and men delivers this precisely. I have neither the time, nor inclination, to enter into a discussion or race, or of Hawaii being surfing’s “birthplace” etc. I just want to be wildly entertained and tell me, tell me with a straight face, that Hawaiian wildcards don’t make the Pipeline Masters the most watchable event on tour.

But damn it. Damn all. Pipe is moving to the front end and it’s lost its wildcards and California lost the people’s event and it was replaced by country club surf club and where have we come from? Where are we going?

Tell me!

And while you’re thinking, David Lee Scales and I also talk about high performance longboarding and how awful it is. A truly unredeemable thing to do and I think we can at least all agree on this. But will it be enough to build a new foundation of trust and understanding?

Listen here!

Just in: Blame the WSL!

Southern California disappears from pro surfing due greed!

Ok. I’ve done my due diligence for you, for us, for we the people and have figured out who to blame for professional surfing leaving southern California and moving to a pool in a central California cow town that happens to be surrounded by a fence.

The World Surf League.

I asked an almost too handsome source at Hurley who responded, “This is a loss for the people to be sure. The WSL determines the stops on tour. We participate where we can.”

It is my understanding, through further digging, that the WSL does, in fact, control all decisions and the value for each stop, which leads me to believe the WSL overcharged for Trestles, with Lemoore in their back pocket, and Hurley called their bluff.

For shame. For shame. For the people, who only want Famous Stars and Kolohe Andino, are left to suffer and suffer we will.

Stab, copying BeachGrit format, posted:

Breaking: The @wsl’s 2018 schedule: Cloudbreak and Lowers are out. They will be replaced by with @kellyslater’s wavepool in Lemoore, and Keramas. The title will still be decided at Pipe. Hit the link in our bio for a full run down of what we know.

Kelly Slater, because he loves commenting on social media, added:

It would go far to do a story about how events and sponsorship for them is determined. Nobody on tour or at @WSL wants to lose Cloudbreak or Lowers. It wasn’t a choice to have these events instead as is assumed by people. Fiji has been on and off tour over the years so people may have short memories in that regard. And it’s a logical choice to fill a missing event spot with a wave that’s better than most waves most days of the year and guaranteed. And keramas ain’t too shabby either. Brasil stays most likely because it has good sponsorship and govt backing and a third of the tour is from Brasil. Not having Brasil doesn’t automatically mean it is replaced with another event necessarily.

Stab, copying The Inertia’s backbone, responded:


But let’s really think about it. Let’s really really think about it. Nobody on tour or at the WSL may want to lose Lowers but if the powers decide the value of Lowers is ridiculously higher than it is and then put that price tag on it whose fault is?

The WSL has made sport, with the dearly departed ex-CEO Paul Speaker, of spouting silly numbers, projections and possible scope.

And now there is no more Lowers. Fuck the “spot with a wave that’s better than most waves most days of the year and guaranteed.”

People, it is time to raise our fist! It is time to put our Comme des Garçons panted knees onto the ground and raise our double stripe sleeved fist to the sky!

Filipe Toledo Wins Hawaiian Pro!

Oh he was just transcendental!

Amid rain squalls and waves that were a confused labyrinth of mulberry-stained corners, Filipe Toledo won, and won easily enough, the Hawaiian Pro at Haliewa.

Oh Filipe was like a Bantu running amuck, a unicorn rutting in a flower bed. Stretched with adrenalin, Filipe extended his power over nature, buckling his board although still riding out of an exaggerated frontside huck for an almost nine.

“Wiggolly (Dantas) looked at it, he had priority and he didn’t like it because it was kind of a close out wave,” said Filipe. “Once I hit the lip and I felt my board was broken, I heard like a really crazy noise and I was like, ‘No!’ and did the whole rotation and landed on the foam. I was just super scared my board would be separated but thank God the board was pretty solid still and I could land that air.”

Filipe’s frontside huck for an 8.87.

San Clemente’s Griffin Colapinto, who is nineteen years old and will be a welcome addition to the 2018 world champion tour (a dark horse for the Lemoore title, since you ask), never ceased to believe it was possible for Filipe to be overhauled, although this didn’t happen.

The other two finalists, Wiggolly Dantas and Michel Bourez, groped for waves, but looked clumsy compared to Filipe and Griffin.

Filipe goes into event number two, the Vans World Cup at Sunset, leading the Triple Crown ratings.


Don’t be.

He finished second at the same event last year.

More to come.

Maui’s flame-haired tyro Cheyne Magnusson, spotted at the event. 


  1. Filipe Toledo
  2. Griffin Colapinto
  3. Wiggolly Dantas
  4. Michel Bourez

Those cheers have turned to tears.
Those cheers have turned to tears. | Photo: Tom Servais/@tomservaisjr

Tragedy: Lowers cut from tour!

The Hurley Pro is no longer. But who is to blame?

My heart broke today when it was revealed that the Hurley Pro will no longer be on the World Surf League’s schedule. It broke for you, it broke for me, it broke for we, the people. The hard working, salt-of-the-earth, sunburned-yet-undaunted, professional-surf-loving people.

You, of course, recall my revelation a few short months ago whilst standing on Lower Trestles’ cobbled stone. I was there, just ready to dip under the VIP canopy where chicken ceasar wraps and Kettle chips lined the finest pressboard tables, where Michelob Ultra was served by the magnum, when a still, small voice whispered to my soul.

“Forgo the luxurious things for in fine-ish spun linens and laminated lanyards and exclusively colored wristbands you will find no respite. No matter how many gently flavored waters you drink, no matter how many high-ish end granola bars you eat. Get thee to the people, standing, watching, in the sun, in the hot-as-hell sun. Feel their heartbeat. Carry their burdens and you will find meaning.”

I heeded the call, much to my own surprise, and stood near a trashcan filled with watermelon husks and Africanized bees, sand uncomfortably in Louis Vuitton drivers, in the sun, but it all made sense. The people are the reason for this professional surfing life. The people are the reason I slave over a Bluetooth keyboard (having drowned my regular keyboard in Booker’s Kentucky Straight). The people are all that matter and Lower Trestles is the perfect place for them since they can park for free in some far-flung San Clemente neighborhood, walk to Carl’s Jr. and get the Famous Star meal deal, then walk to Lowers to stand watching professional surfing and fill their hearts with Gabriel Medina all for the cost of a Famous Star meal deal.

The Hurley Pro was the people’s contest. It was for us and now it is no more. Cut. Fired. Laid off. Replaced by a wave tank so elite not even Tesla’s Elon Musk nor Apple’s Steve Jobs has ever surfed it. The very embodiment of riche. The very definition of robotization.

But who is to blame? Who will feel the wrath of the people’s ire?

I need more time here but don’t worry. I am your Cesar Chavez. I am your Nelson Mandela. I am your Dalai Lama. I will get to the bottom of this so we can protest n shit.

Viva la people!