And why John John will win the title, according to the stats…
Yesterday, the second-best red-haired surfer in the world, Dusty Payne, fiddled his way to first place at the Pipe Trials.
You can read about that miracle here, although the story will have you groping for tissues. Did you know, for example, the episode of Dusty and the stolen panties at LAX and… oh you have to read!
Inspiring!
Today, another potential miracle is revealed.
How Kelly Slater, who is two months away from his forty-sixth-birthday (the same age as American president Johnny Kennedy when Oswald’s bullet rearranged his skull) could requalify for the 2018 tour and therefore keep the two injury wildcards, which will be announced the day after Pipe, for tour minnows.
What’s Kelly gotta do? Make the final. That’s it.
Miss half the season, appear dramatically on stage in the closing act, and liberate the last spot on tour. It ain’t a stretch. Kelly has won the event seven times, the first in 1992, three times in a row (94, 95 and 96) and, most recently, in 2013, aged forty-one.
But you come to Pipe to dump a crown on a world champ, yes?
And Balyn McDonald, whose website Surf-Stats has just launched its own version of Fantasy Surfer (click here for why they did it and why you should jump on in), explains who’s going to see sunlight at Pipe.
First John John v Gabe:
“The data consistently points to John. Sure, he hasn’t won the event yet, but he dominates almost every conditions stat that is relevant: lefts, reefs, all wave heights. He has a far greater average heat score (AHS) for the season than the rest of the tour, and his win rate of 75% is more than 5% above Medina. The only significant areas that put Medina above John are average place result, and recent form (Medina hasn’t lost a heat since Trestles).
Given that John only needs to make a few more heats to sew it up, the numbers definitely favour him.”
The outliers:
“Jordy and Julian are statistically fucked, but, hey, reality has a way of giving historical stats the finger so we will wait and see.”
Statistically fucked? I haven’t laughed this much since the neighbour’s child fell out of my fig tree!
Dusty isn’t red-haired, he is half blood. Only true rangas are myself and mick campbell.
‘Statfu’ is what the kids say. Including the neighbours kid, as he fell from the tree.
Chas….Congratulations on finishing your book! Well done you weekend literary warrior!
Oswald????!!!! Oswald who, Dez???? U never saw Oliver Stone’s JFK???? Mr. X is yr answer to almost everything American … and Bell helicopter, of course….
Hahaha
No no no
The most powerfull J in the World
The…
…
…
….
Judges from WSL
Or… maybe he can call Vladmir to rig the judge’s computers
“powerfull J”….?
‘full’ Jew?
‘full’ Jerk?
‘full’ Jackass?
‘full’ Jack Haters?
Jaccuzi jazzman jojoba juggler.
Ah no I’ve got it:
Jamiroquai!
Did he have talent or not? I could never tell.
Jabba The Hutt!!!!
The bigger question is WHY?? WHY does a 46 year old 11 time world champ need to be on the tour in 2018?? He is not even competing against anyone from the same generation. WHY Kelly? What do you have to prove to anyone? WHY can’t you move on with your life? Marry your girlfriend,relax concentrate on all your business interests and face the fact you are a middle aged man and not fucking 25!!!!!! Your the best we’ve ever seen or will see. Don’t tarnish the competitive reputation you worked so hard for . Retire!!!!!!!!!!!
Why not?
To Kennypowersmullet,
Stop fucking up my game!
You need to step away from the party in the back! Seriously! Fuck! You can keep following the Venerable Saint Bede and squirt humble suds…..
OR YOU CAN BE A FUCKING MAN KENNY DO and say:
“Why pussy? Cause my dick was mad for pussy and my right arm was made for the mother fuckin’ show!… Baseball my bitches!
You all make shitty Disciples! Do you know that?!?! … Cause….Fuck….I hate you all!” ………..instead of “Why not?”
What the fuck do I know!
Mullets are hair follicle shouldered soldiers! Act the part dammit!
Sincerely pissed off,
Kenny Powers aka Fucking Rad aka Tribesman aka Fucking Nerd aka Not A Kook
He has zero chance of winning a world title. That’s why. He’s only doing it to try and win one more.
That or he just knows nothing else.. once he drops off there won’t be as much press chasing sYAaza
But if his leg are still agile and his joints as supple a tennis ball, why quit?
uh maybe because he likes to fucking surf Pipe with one other guy out? Don’t be such a fucking retarded cunt next time.
Harsh. Very harsh.
Burnsy. Tough guy behind the keyboard. We all know Kelly can’t win another. Get with the times and move on you hater cunt.
Says more about the skill level of the guys he’s keeping off tour.
I think he has a full grasp on the concept that 2018 may be the last season he’ll get to surf competitively in the ocean on the WSL. 2019 he’ll get married to Sophie.
Wait, who’s the best red-head?
If its not Carrot top, then Mick campbell for sure.
Wrong! Mick was king of the strawberry blonds!
Going out to buy red hair dye, I think I could actually make fourth on this list.
ah but he was named the “Ginger Ninja,” has the temperament of a Ginger !
Kelly will surf next year , as its good business for the WSL , and the pool plan.
Kelly and the WSL are as one , and they need him , to set up the Pool Comps (PC’s) and also to spruik the new 2019Tour , as the WSL recently said that it would not need the surf brands $’s in the future and naming rights will go from $1m to $1.5m , plus PPV , the future never looked better!
Bobby Owens!
Give me your guess! It’s contentious! Dusty might even be number three!
Still with us?
Ronnie Burns had fiery flare!
Mark Healy? Fuck if I know.
Could it be argued that Richie Collins was a ginger?
He had/has/whoknows the general disposition of a social outcast, but I don’t believe he’s worthy.
However, other than Al Gore-ish, who else can claim a strong world wide web game in the late 80’s early 90’s?
Glen Winton, that’s who!
Alana Blanchard?
Bede?
Jordy is the sad saffa version of Taj. He will never win a title.
Julian is better looking (if possible) Bondi version of Taj. He will also never win a title.
by that logic I’m a Taj too!
If he did win guinea pig sales would go through the roof in SA
You take that back. Julian can’t even entertain the thought of living on the Gold Coast with all the cool(y) kids. He’s more of the St. Bede style, despite his glamourous shell.
How can Bald Guy bla bla bla?
Simple…
The J factor!…