Secret surfboards help my relationships flourish!
It’s true. I do hide surfboards from my fiancé. New boards live in the van or the shed, places she has no business in.
Recently, late at night and under cover of darkness, I found myself on my knees on the living room rug, surreptitiously stroking a new board. I caressed the foil and froze like a frightened young hind whenever I heard movement from other rooms.
A new snowboard cowers in the corner of my shed, still shrink-wrapped after more than a month. I persevere with an old board for show: “Look, darling, look how knackered this old board is! Aren’t I good for not getting a new one this season?”
Does this make me a bad person, less of a man? Should I be ashamed of this behaviour? I think not. An economy of truth is necessary in a healthy relationship.
Have you seen the movie Interstellar? Let me introduce an insightful dialogue between the main character (Cooper) and his artificially intelligent robot companion (TARS):
Cooper: Hey TARS, what’s your honesty parameter?
TARS: 90 percent.
Cooper: 90 percent?
TARS: Absolute honesty isn’t always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings.
Are not women the very definition of “emotional beings”?
There is no reasoning, there is only the path of least resistance.
But not everyone gets this. On that podcast Afternoons with Chas and Dave or whatever it’s called, David Scales (a divorced man in his late thirties, interested in wine) lambasted me for a comment I made on this very site, a comment about hiding board purchases from my significant other.
And while I can’t remember the exact jist (or perhaps jiss) of his comment, it was something along the lines of this being a bad omen for my relationship, lack of communication etc.
Spoken like a divorced man in his late thirties, interested in wine.
My relationship is great. Without going full Rory Parker on you, my fiancé is wonderful. Attractive, funny, compassionate, incredible mother, all of that.
But I’m sure all of that would become untenable if she knew just how much fucking time I waste thinking about my universally, globally useless obsessions. Much less spending the modest amounts of money we have on them in lieu of a new kitchen, a family holiday or plain old “savings”.
Does my significant other hate surfing? No. Does she hate that I love surfing? Not at all.
Is she dead right that new boards will not make me surf better/more often? Yes.
Is she rightly concerned that a man in his thirties with a child and a mortgage and a dog and soon to be another child should prioritise any one of these things over his own selfish agendas? Absolutely yes.
But as much as I love my family, some things need to remain just mine and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We’re not one of these happy-clappy wanky couples who enjoy wonderful shared passions. We have shared interests, but I’m bloody glad they’re not the things I really love. I can’t imagine anything fucking worse than having to take her surfing.
I know couples who work together, play together, socialise together, all of that. They call each other “best friend”, despite seeming constantly on the verge of spousal rage killing. I love my future wife dearly, but she sure isn’t my bloody best mate.
Call me old fashioned, but I’ve got best mates for that. And I don’t shag them or cry in front of them either.
In relationships and in life, some things are best compartmentalised or kept to yourself entirely.
For me, surfing is one of those things.
I couldn’t be bothered hiding boards from her. Surfing is all i spend my money on and she knows and understands that..she never dares question my new board/s or other overpriced surfing purchases. It’s not like i play golf or rail nose beers every weekend. If you prioritize surfing (eg give up drinking for 3 months) i find you get new boards whenever you want.
3 months seems excessive.
Replaced with bong hits it’s manageable.
Yup, that seems to always be the case in the beginning, but after a couple of decades of it, she will most likely be singing a different tune.
She knew what she was getting into. I told her when we got exclusive that surfing was still my mistress. 2 weeks after we moved in together my new Ward Coffey was ready. We eventually did try the transparency thing, 3 times. On each occasion, all the joy and froth I built up thinking about the new board disappeared. All that pent up lust dried up as the guilt was built into my head. I eventually win, but it feels dirty. I don’t speak of the board again. The elation I felt after picking it up. that first good session on it, None of that can be conveyed at dinner or on the drive to meet her odd work colleague and her odder husband for dinner. I have to hide my afterglow…That didn’t work for me. We figured it out. Compromise is life. If I’m being especially obedient, tidy around the house, cook and do the dishes. She usually knows I’ve placed an order.
“I’m going to see Ward to pick up my new board tomorrow”. Confirms it. And then on that drive to the odd couple dinner. I tell her how great the board goes.
this is true. Where do you live progoatboater?
In an alternate universe, by the sounds of things.
Vacuous… sounds like surfing to me
Mullet just sent you to the beach Scales.
Nah. My few comments are made eponymously. Also, I’ve never claimed to have my finger on the pulse. Rather, the podcast has a simple ambition, “Conversations About Surfing”.
I went through the board hiding or just not mentioning and ended up with a hoard of boards. Now I’m getting into hunting and my new gun safe is fast filling up. Lucky thing that she doesn’t know how to open it. She really doesn’t give me any grief because she knows that my gear gets me outside and keeps me active.
Don’t let captain gun control hear you speaking like that with that Disqus handle!
if she let you put a second bun in the oven without a ring yet, you’re doing just fine
Oh she has a ring alright. Frankly it might be worth more than her life if push came to shove.
Imagine my workload, combing all the comments on The Inertia, Stab, and BG. And just to be ridiculed by mullet!
There’s commentary on The Inertia?
Haha. Who knows?
If you saw my vinyl selections, you’d believe that even more resolutely.
You haven’t been drunk in ten years?
Ask Chas.
He’s your man? Are you Elio to Chas’ Oliver?
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Have you seen it yet? I’m going this week!
Plot spoiler. Jerks off in peach. Older homosexual lover eats peach.
JP, I’m single by choice (’twas my ex-wife’s choice, but still).
Does she still hate you?
She’d be the first to tell you, she’s never felt an ounce of hatred toward me. It’s actually a compelling, sordid, (and modern!) tale. I can’t wait to tell you next time you’re stateside!
How about you tell the whole class. Free group therapy!
I couldn’t betray her trust.
How long were you married for? Did she long to try a “hung black guy” and was interested in two men at once?
I once bought a board unannounced. Brought it home while the wife was at work and hid it under our bed. The plan was to wait for the opportune moment to spring it on her. As the days and nights passed and money was tight the guilt began to kill me. What made it worse was I was sleeping, or trying to sleep, right over top my lie. It was miserable. I finally mustered up the courage and brought forth my purchase. She was pissed off! I now go with she will get over it eventually, after 13 years of marriage I can stand a few nights sleeping in the dog house. It has actually become quite comfortable.
mmm-mmm. i do love the crisp refreshing flavor of misogyny in the morning. oh those emotional women! you can’t tell them anything!
just man up already and tell her you buy surfboards. fuck.
https://youtu.be/oo0d1zTAFKA
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
oh maaaaaannnn.
Written by an “eminent practitioner of this manly art.”
Are you allowed to post Stab badvertorial directly on here without attribution?
The beating wife thing?
Oui. A silly comment on their return to the “gentleman’s interest” content. Pay no attention.
and yet you aren’t typing this on Dwell or Goop, you’re here on BG with 100 dudes saying “we’re not all like this” (I’ve had to help my married friends to hide boards, fishing gear, golf clubs, and soft drugs on many occasions)
idk i don’t lie to my dude about the clothes i buy? seems easier to just be honest about who you are and what you value.
mmmm, easier? guess that’s a long run/short run deal. JP absolutely should be able to be upfront about these purchases and his fiancé shouldn’t give him grief, and yet, here we are.
I see, cos you’re a chick you must be into clothes n stuff, yeah? Make-up and nails, bright colours, soft fabrics, dancing – that sort of thing, right?
oh ha ha well i can’t be bothered with nails and i suck at dancing. but expensive hair products? hoo boy. can’t get enough of that shit.
Don’t touch the hair . I am so jealous ! I now have more hair on my nose and ears than on my scalp .
Ain’t that simple buddy……
Several of my boards have my wife’s name along the stringer because she ordered them for me as a surprise.
as it should be 🙂
Would you hide your new surfboards from a live-in lover, Ms See?
nope! he knows. and then sometimes he steals them for himself. it’s chill.
Most things in Cali are chill….. try that on 125th street , Harlem….
I don’t even trust mine to buy me coffee.
She got me two magic weapons recently, they both go insane.
Makes pretty good coffee too – although she did buy me a Hypto Krypto a few winters ago and I’ve only just recently recovered from the shame and getting hung in the lip.
2 out of 3 ain’t bad you lucky bugger .
It’s like hiding porno DVD’s from your Mom! However, I do think that viewing them does make me a better lover and make me want to “shag” more often. So, scratch that.
I once put a new board in my oldest son’s room. Literally you walked in the room and straight ahead it rest against the wall. A week or so a later swell hit. Heading out for a surf with my son’s, holding new board she ask’s where did you get that and I reply from his room.. That story still tickles my boys laughing as i type. True!
Just marry a chick who makes enough money that she doesn’t give a fuck if you buy a nice stack of toys. Then don’t be a douchebag who spends down the college fund buying two of everything. Make sure her dad was a good guy who golfed or fished or surfed or otherwise regularly cut out some he time (because no matter how feministy she is, she will see your surfing time as just part of what men do). Problem solved.
I hope you married her. I had a French girlfriend and every time I asked her if she minded if I went for a quick surf she looked at me and said “ why do you ask ? “ . Her Dad was Dr and a hunter .
thank god you’re not a chiropractor or the old man wouldn’t have given you the time of day
I was an illegal dishwasher at the time (the best job I ever had ).I really thought he might take me out into the forest and shoot me .Turned out to be a good bloke and a classic country doc forcing me to drink whisky while he was putting stitches in my leg after a work accident .
dang! that’s bordering on Doc Holiday status.
The Medoc is a Wild West kinda place . My friend took his child to see him because he wasn’t eating much . Doc Holiday’s Reply ( translated from French) “ You dumb c@nt he ain’t hungry “ .
Boo-yah!
I suppose this is better than hiding sexual exploits at the rest area in the men’s room….
I fully understand the negative connotations of the word to imply a ‘difficult woman’ (lord knows I’ve suffered enough of ’em)
Call me a boring old hetero if you must, but you know I still can’t bring myself to use it as a term of abuse. I really like ‘cunts’. And ‘tits’.
And come to think of it, ‘assholes’ are quite useful. And a ‘dick’ is a man’s pride and joy…
See where I’m going?
We need new terms of abuse for shitheads.
Nice one you fucking goat boat.
David Scales obviously hit a nerve!
JP wrote about hiding boards here. I podcasted about it here. JP wrote another piece about it here. I’ll podcast again about it here. He’ll write another. Chas will write 3. If Stab ignores it, Chas will write 5. This is definitely a 10 piece topic.
Ha, I saw that JP had even commented under the Bob Dylan post on Instagram, he’s obviously been stewing on this for awhile! And I didn’t think you were taking a personal shot at him, just talking generally about honesty in relationships, but he is quick to take a cheap shot! Go get him David!
We do like to thoroughly clean our plates.
It’s too bad you can’t bury surfboards in the grocery receipt like you can a few solid bottles of wine for the cellar … Although you could probably hide a Wave Storm in the Costco bill