Founders Cup, yes, Brazil and maybe Bali, no!
Last Friday, the WSL posted a very good story called Brazil’s Rich Surfing History Continues at the Oi Rio Pro.
The contest, which begins in one week, and shortly after the Founders Cup at Surf Ranch this weekend, is an event steeped in history and wrapped in notable historical monuments (churches and so forth) as well as a fabulous bucolic charm.
A slice:
The Church of Our Lady of Nazareth was built in 1630 and the surfers in the competition, when not paddling for priority, can take in the church’s incredible architecture and history from the water. The last 400 years, miraculously, haven’t seen much change.
Mick Fanning won his first title there in 2007; Kelly his seventh in 2005.
Brazil got history etc. Read here.
But that ain’t enough to drag Kelly Slater there after the Founders Cup, where he’ll captain equal contest favourites USA (the other frontrunner is Brazil).
For the third year running, Kelly will be calling in sick for the Oi Rio Pro, an event he has missed four times out of the last seven years. In 2015, Kelly said the water, which scientists said was the equivalent of raw sewage, had made him sick and the following year was the epoch of the Zika virus. Taj Burrow, Joel Parkinson and Kai Otton also tapped outta that one.
In a brief exchange on our telephones this morning, Kelly wrote he wasn’t “planning to” surf in Brazil and “might not surf til the J-Bay event. Not sure yet.”
Is it a pool thing? Is the tank light on a busted foot?
Kelly wrote it’s “somewhat” easier on his foot and that he’s not in pain and is only experiencing a “slight discomfort.”
When I asked whether or not he was worried of punitive action by the governing body of pro surfing if he surfs The Cup but not Rio, he politely tapped out with, “Sorry, not gonna jump into this clickbait. Hasn’t Jamie O humped a turtle today or anything?
The WSL’s vice-president of strategic media announcements, Mr Dave Prodan, was contacted for comment. At the time of publishing, there was no response to a request for a description of the terrible punishment he must now prescribe for the former champion.
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Gotta look at the bottom line when it comes to surfing in Brazil. He just might not be able to afford shipping his boards there
Get lost baldie!
Bring in Joel Jitsu!!!
Kelly: “The only goofyfoot to ever take me out in competition was my own.”
Coke maybe. But there’s better places for that too.
Me: not planning to surf a wave pool.
What fashion ensemble would one wear to the founders cup? It’s not surfing so it must demand different fashion choices right? Is there a wave pool fashion movement coming?
idk but i could use some help with this over here!!
also, it’s going to be 90F at least both days so that’s fine.
Confirmed – speedos for me both days. Unless Chas chimes in with an alternative.
oh shit i’m going to need some really dark sunglasses maybe
Haa! This is all Chas’ fault for failing to provide fashion advice when he ought to have known we’d be struggling.
IT IS. i blame chas for everything really
I’m on board too! God, it’s really nice to have someone to blame.
Chas’s advice would be thin T-shirt with oversized neckline, ripped jeans for ventilation and loafers.
Vodka cranberry in one hand and disgruntled attitude to top it off.
This is fuckin excellent! Hovering between disgruntled and apathetic.
wear your Kentucky Derby outfit, the Belmont Stakes one will work also
this seems exactly right, actually!
is there an infield where everyone can pass out face down drunk?
yeah, but watch out for that locomotive bisecting the infield
oh shiiiiittttt that sounds dangerous
I can assure you that the Belmont ain’t the classy side of NY.
i’ve heard they have the same problem with “the left” at Surf Ranch, wrong side of the tracks
In this case wrong side of Hempstead Turnpike and the Cross Island Parkway.
bloody peasants
Maybe it’s time No Fear makes a come back. In an ironic twist, Gabs and Italo could become No Fear’s first two team riders.
I suggest dressing like a local to fit in
https://youtu.be/fTkHFQC3wow
Stephen Ray Perry was born in Hanford, California, to Portuguese parents. Perry grew up interested in music, as his father, Raymond Perry (Pereira), was a vocalist and co-owner of radio station KNGS.[3] On his 12th birthday, his mother, Mary Quaresma, presented her son with a gold eighth note pendant, which he still wears for good luck. When Perry was 12 years old, he heard Sam Cooke’s song “Cupid” on his mother’s car radio. It inspired Perry to become a singer.[4]
His family moved to Lemoore, California, during Perry’s teen years. He attended high school there, drumming in the marching band as well as in extracurricular bands. After graduation he attended College of the Sequoias, in Visalia, California, where he sang first tenor in the choir. Perry’s mother continued to encourage his musical growth during that time.
And he turned out to be an asshole so that’s not a ringing endorsement for the area.
whatever Supsquatching, Poopies degrading antics Jamie O is up to (other than foilboarding) is a lot more relevant than this executive suite PGA Tour model of surfing Ol Bob has been bringing us. Clickbait, huh? At least Jamie isn’t paying to show up in my Instagram feed.
Whos account was sponsored?
can’t remember if it was SurfRanch or WSL
its clear that kelly has serious psychiatric issues about his mini penis and hair loss.
The shot at JOB as a way of deflecting attention from his sense of entitlement is way too obvious.
I think that the performance enhancing drugs are catching up with his mind too.
Your temporary ban has obviously ended with you being able to post lame comments again… welcome back CkT.
sorry to offend your hero, and question the establishment, I know that is not tolerated around here
Phew,Thanks! I’d almost forgotten to tow the industry line!
what was “lame” about my comment?
Why worry? I aim for lame!
gotta take ’em to make ’em Nik Karol!
Whoa I’m sensing some underlying tension mate, particularly smelly day at work?
ah did his small hands give him away and actually he is not bald , he just wanted a Brazilian .
Giselle actually made him!
who wouldn’t for Giselle?
Kelly’s wave pool is like the girl of my dreams. You know, the kind of girl you’d love to be stranded in a barn with as the snow piles higher and higher and higher outside. You curl up by the fire around a Parcheesi board, and giggle like toddlers each time you send a piece to its nest and she raises her be-socked foot up beneath the table and gently nuzzles your wee wee with her dainty toes. Later you pop corn over that same open fire and toss the puffy white treats into her welcoming cleavage where she laughs and tells you to stop, only to lean over and tease you again and again with her firm, heaving treasures. You finish the perfect evening with several rounds of surprisingly violent coitus after which she curls up in your arms and tells you about how she was abused by a filthy uncle when she was a child and has issues with controlling male figures, and how she’s only recently been sleeping with visiting NBA players and also that she can recommend the best venereal disease doctors in all of Tarzana.
Ahahahahahahahaha fuck. Tarzana. That was solid, dude.
as i was reading this, i was hoping there would be a serious STD to burst the bubble. THANK YOU!
Someone please start a surfbrand and call it “KOITUS”..
Based on the blackface above shouldn’t it be KKKOITUS?
No “punishment “ Kelly owns the WSL
That pic … when did Rob Machado start testosterone therapy?
I foresee new a spectator sport unfolding: World Sea Turtle Humping League.
…But then they’ll get tired of the difficulty of waiting for random sea turtles to swim by to be molested, and move onto tortoises. Inland and controllable.
An alternative, more appropriate title:
“Shocking!: Slater’s Senility: Legend References Something That Happened Seven Years Ago, Posits It Happened Today… Still Thinks He’s Funny!”
Slater’s gone. Lets move on
Slater’s done. Let’s have some fun.
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Shit Reggae/African arabs !!
How’s the writing career going James B? You’re a paid regular now in the Brazilian Surf Journalist scene now right?
I am glad you raised that, I was getting tired of it.
Brazzoville is Probs the only place left to make a living a surf journo now as nobody Else gives a shit.
I don´t know about elsewhere, but i´m cool in Brazil.
Yes i am. Writing for Moist.com.br. paid job. Actually, one of my articles a few weeks ago (about Filipe Toledo) was the most viewed and upvoted on Facebook in the whole World Surfing media that week. Not bad.
Are you still writing anonymously under the James B moniker?
Always, brother. JB is a legend around here!
Dereks reaction after Kelly said he wasnt falling for his click bait:
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Less non sirprising rio withdrawals and more on Jamie’s turtle humping please.
Seconded.
#meturtle