Or celebrate the diversity?
This is a serious question for our serious times. What if… and really go along with me here… what if you woke up one morning to the very pleasant news that your favorite local break was set to put on a wonderful show. That it was going to be 5 -8 feet with gentle offshore winds, warm air, warm enough water and let’s even say that it wasn’t going to be very crowded because of some sporting event or something (rugby league championship, Super Bowl… whatever). Barrels etc. and fantastic.
Let’s also say you are a proud father of a child who not only loves to surf but shows a preternatural instinct for the kingly dance. Maybe not future pro level but a real ability to almost tag the lip, air, barrel etc.
Now, of course you are very excited and run downstairs, or upstairs depending on the layout of your hypothetical dream house, and yell, “Daughter/son! We’re going surfing!”
Let’s say she/he whoops loudly and says, “I’ll meet you outside!”
You drink a little coffee, eat a little something, go to the garage and grab your 5’11, then to your hypothetical dream car and there is your progeny waiting for you with a…
… 9’0 log under her/his arm.
We all, of course, know that logging on flat days is so much fun but remember, proper swell is coming in here and you tell her/him, “Proper swell is coming in here.”
She/he responds, “Yeah! I’m so excited!”
You continue to eye her/his board up and down but there is no emotional response from your spawn except to say, “I’m a longboarder now!”
What do you do?
Style is everything.. Good style speaks volumes about your abilities. I have an apple that rolled toward fifty-fifty rails with style for days. If I demanded him to stop he wouldn’t listen. For what its worth he owns a shortboard and will surf it when conditions warrant. Turning a longboard is different and his rail game in the pocket needs work. He is not afraid to pull in. So.. I always told both my apples and I quote ” I don’t care about stickers! all I care about is for you to be able to paddle out and hold your own and respect others in the line up. What ever line up you are in.”
As long as he is not a dick dragger, fine by me
i see what u did there
Wait: “5-8 feet” ?
Hmm. 4-6 feet, sure, of course. 6-8 feet, absolutely.
But 5-8 feet? That’s like describing a 7-foot wave. Nobody does that.
It was probably only 4-7 feet too.
5-8 feet is just not something I’ve ever heard an actual surfer say.
Agreed. Have a feeling the rascal author might too.
Chas threw his arm out surfing a 2ft shoulder.. surely this is all the perspective one needs
No, more of acting on a scale of passive aggressive hazing and mental torment.
Longboard: Generally make fun of him, goof on his scallop shorts. Say things like “when I was your age, that is not the kind of trim I cared about”. Make him watch Archy pulling into barrels and ask him-“have you ever seen this guy on a long board?”
Sponge (boogie): Hide the thing on him, leave and old shortboard where he was keeping it. Take videos of him, show him how uncool it is to dick drag. Tell him it could, potentially leave him impotent. That his unit might actually get ripped off. Scare him to the realities of boogie boarding, how women will scorn you, pop culture will victimize you, etc.
SUP: When you find it, pull it out of the garage around 3AM douse with gas and light it on fire. When he comes running out of the house tackle him, duct tape him head to toe. As fast as you can drive, head to the orphanage and drop him off.
I’ve got a warm fuzzy feeling.
I’d better go to the doctor.
Must’ve gotten some hot-coat in me crumb-tray.
Will post soon. Thanks for The People’s support. You’ll regret it.
I can’t get past the 5-8 feet range description. Everything tumbles from that point on. If the hypothetical is based on a world where 5-8 feet is an acceptable way to describe the surf then it doesn’t matter if my hypothetical son / daughter hybrid is even human or even a biological manifestation comprehendible by human. That’s it! Nothing! Everything has lost its meaning! America has fallen! Oh wait that is real.
I would pay for flights to Kauai and post up Rory Parker adjacent and let the kid just breathe in absolute darkness for a day.
Money well invested.
please do, it would be fun watching you get laughed at
Thank God you edited your first reply, this one is so much better.
what did i say? that you would be laughed at right back to the airport, with your tail between your legs?
Yep something like that mate..
Such a sassy lil spar, now you go sister!
fortunatly they erased my comments. if you live here long enough there will be days when you cant tell the diiference between the darkness and light.
“Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding.”– Lao Tzu
No but in a heart beat if they ever turned up wearing one of those WSL pro jersey shirt things.
We get grouped in by society with longboarders, bodyboarders and SUP’s all as “surfers”. It needs to stop.
Except SUPs they can fuck off.
What if the parent goes long?
Mom, early 50’s. Waikiki.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Hate to break to ya mate but if she was hangin beachside in the prime of the beach boy era, she went waaay longer than that.
You shouldn’t believe everything your mom tells you Krill.
Ya mum woulda loved the prong too, don’t be shy.
If your kid thinks a log is the right equipment for 5-8’ surf, it’s your own damn fault. Same as a 5’11” is wrong for knee high. Right equipment for the conditions.
I don’t care really. Plus if my he-she child loses the board and is swept away by the current accompanying this swell, I won’t need to deal with tying any mal’s to my roof.
I’d rather my kids take up bodyboarding. Would rather be hit in the head with 3ft of soft foam then a 9ft fibreglass torpedo
just not at the Pass Byron tho – there they will still get hit in the head with a 9ft Mal
Wouldn’t surf Byron if Rasta paid me too. Full of hippies and perverts
tools for sure
I would tell myself it’s just a phase.
better longboard than lacrosse or some other terrible affliction ……
Thank God for contraceptives!
Doesn’t work backwards…
Does it?
Child birth is not as painful as watching your first born on a booger. Right ladies??
“Nothing prepares a man for childbirth” is not the best thing to have your wife catch you saying after the event. Believe me, I know.
I’m surprised you can still write. Or breathe.
ahahahaha yeah i could see that not being popular :D:D
This story hits close to home as me boy just got off the stinking boogie and on to a longish, thickish thing, still painful, but His Homo Erectus state brought my tears of disappointment to tears of joy*
*Apprehensive is he still talks fondly of that fucking 3’2”.
No one said parenting would be easy… Wait, everyone said parenting would be easy. Lying bastards!
Child birth is like watching your favourite pub burn down. Apparently.
Matey, its way, way, way worse than that.
Try and go old school and stay the hell out of there is my advise to anybody who’ll listen.
Could be worse , he could have come home wearing rollerblades ?
That new Ripped movie won’t help. Those drag guys are lords.
My kids know that the only grounds for ex-communication from this family are riding a booger and/or supporting Collingwood.
Damn it. I support Collingwood. Go Pies!
Given that we’re separated by the Pacific, the ideal proximity to any Collingwood supporter, I’m prepared to let sleeping Pies lie.