Will it be like a bland unresisting wax or something strong and hard?
Surfers, I think, might come from different stock but we have the same disposition to felony, gallant adventures, greed for solitude and a natural resistance to authoritarian masters.
There have been so many unexpected turns within our little game within the past five years, pro surfing bought by a billionaire convinced he can turn it into a new NFL, wavepools that create waves beyond any dream, the death of the freesurfer, the rise of finless craft and so on, that I felt it time to peer into the future for another five.
What will happen in the year 2023?
Oh, the things I see!
1. Greg Webber will announce a wavepool better than anything anyone has ever seen before! Everything from a a ten-foot Teahupoo ledge to a point better than J-Bay to an infinite variety of beachbreak wedges. And all on an endless loop. Open by the end of this year, says the grand master, now seventy five. “I’m patient and fucking determined,” says Greg, again.
2. John John Florence will win Olympic Gold at the 2020 Games…as a sailor. After exiting the tour in 2018, John John sails his 48-foot cat Falcor around the world, discovering a great love of the art of piloting a boat under sail. Dismissive of a tour that has four pool events, John John hits the Olympic sail trials and qualifies in seven different divisions.
3. Los Angeles will become the tuberiding capital of the world after an earthquake levels the joint (one million people die) and lifts inshore reefs along the coast from El Segundo to Malibu.
4. The first of the wavepools will shut down. After only four years of operation, and despite much fanfare and bullish predictions of fabulous returns on the dollar for investors, Australia’s first wavepool is closed due to “disappointing” revenues.
5. A few days before his twentieth birthday, Maui’s Eli Hanneman rides out of the first 900, a move that’s been kicking around since the early 2000’s when Dane Reynolds almost hucked a double-spin at Canggu. Meanwhile, on the women’s tour, vet Silvana Lima completes the first alley-oop in a heat.
6. Kelly Slater announces he’ll be retiring, “this time for real” at the completion of the 2023 tour. But, adds, “I’ve said that before.”
7. Indonesia retakes Bali from Australian and American neo-colonialists, confiscating land and gorgeous beachfront bungalows with plunge pools and outdoor bathrooms. The heads of several prominent American pro surfers are set on pikes at Denapasar airport as a warning to others.
8. Foil-board fatalities for the year rise to an all-time high of seventy-five.
9. It’ll be the fifth year anniversary of the death of a prominent surfer from a coke-related addiction. Sponsors, WSL, fans etc, act surprised. (Buy Chas Smith’s prophetic Cocaine and Surfing here.)
10. After the failure of, first, live streaming from YouTube and, then, Facebook Live, and a lower-than-expected response to pay-per-view, the WSL will be sold back to its old masters, the surfers, for one dollar and the assumption of existing debt, approximately 150 million dollars. Brodie Carr and Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew will combine to “restore surfing’s credibility.”
I think ‘fast Eddie’ has been drinking too many Primos
I honestly think not much will change. The Olympics will run and will not be an outrageous success but also will not be a ghastly failure. Some new faces will appear and some old ones will become older. Trump will probably be in the lame duck portion of his second Presidential term. Periodic outbreaks of Outrage about various not super important shit in surfing will occur but won’t really make any difference to the overarching tedium of everything.
Second term? Do you think it will happen?
Overarching tedium – v succinct
Second term, well the US economy is heating up still, it should still be pretty hot by the time the next Presidential election is held, and that’s a big plus for Drumpf. He can keep stinking up the joint all he wants till then and his voting base isn’t budging. There’s no sign of a worthy candidate anywhere else yet, maybe the worthy candidates are biding their time way off stage, maybe they are afraid of putting their heads up in case they get shot off, in which case they are scarcely worthy. Idk, seems to me Drumpf’s greatest potential foe is outrage fatigue, at some point a critical mass of people will begin to find him boring, and then his time will be over.
What state the US is in at that point, who fucken knows.
… just returned from the year 2043 (headache!)
The UN implemented Agenda 21 in 2030. As result, our A.I. overlords have forbidden any form of ‘human recreation’ or ‘procreation’. Humanity is capped at Three Billion morbidly-obese subservient ‘turgid haemoglobin entities’ forced fed deep-fried GM protein rations and harvested for our calories … etc etc … but! we’re all finally achieved ‘happiness’ – citing the mantra “Freedom from Choice” as the pathway to enlightenment.
It’s not all gloomy:
From 2023 to 2029, John John fathered three boys named ‘John John II’, ‘John John III’ and ‘John John IV’ and one girl ‘Jane Jane’.
Kelly Slater finally(!) retired in 2023. Then appointed ‘Supreme Dictator’ and thus outed himself as ‘THE’ prototype android in which all future human-based AI entities will be based. Surfing is illegal and punishable by death – thus securing his World Title tally till ‘the end of time’.
And in 2027, Donald Trump drowned in the Ukrainian Hilton whilst engaging in a golden shower from a crack team of Chinese midget assassin whores.
Off next to 1992 to make snowboarding the new surfing!
This was brilliant.
The well kept secret of large scale starvation caused governmental shame regarding an agricultural output miscalculation?
The WSL will find itself battling against a new tour. The judging criteria for this new tour will include “look backs”, “buttons and beaver tails”, “neatness of beard” and “over all appearance”. The first perfect heat score is achieved in the very first event before the first heat is even in the water when a local hipster mistakenly rides his fixie into the contest area and tries to order a slow poured filtered organic monkey shit coffee.
And was then strangled by his own nonexistent legrope ?
He ran away after someone told him that sand contained traces of gluten.
The Horror the Horror .Like sands through the hourglass so are the days of hipsters’ lives , Yawn .
A slow pour at 91°? Any hotter and you can tell old mate to fuck off back to starbucks.
Maybe Marzo could get him a job with his brother Cheyne in the pool at Waco Texas ? Might get him off the QS before it’s too late ?
11. Costco and Trump LLC. announce any competitive wave-riding athlete not standing for the flag hoisted on the pier at Huntington during each pre-heat playing of the National Anthem (each and every heat) will be fined $65,000. As will Nike, Amazon, and Costco – the only 3 corporate sponsors left for our competitive wave-riding athletes.
What about foreign surfers like Kanoa Igarashi ? Maybe someone could stand on the Pier waving a pair of AI’s signature rising sun boardshorts just under the star spangled banner to keep all parties happy ? Or maybe a re-enactment of the Mexico 68 200m medal presentation . Fight the Power ?
Come on, Nike’s too smart for that now.
*Denpasar **Ngurah Rai
WSL will move onto a My Space page in an effort to reach more viewers. Failing miserably, they will then only be accessible via mailing list and a phone tree
Semaphore, telegraph or good old smoke signals ?
And after all those years, Kelly gets his hair back. This time, in white.
Chia seeds are amazing!
Whose world champ?
It’s definitely going to be Jordy’s year!
Jordy and Sal Fitz
Nope he’s fishing with Ry Craike
Hopefully I’m dead by then.
There’s always that hope, yes.
No white shark hordes taking over?
You missed a trick there DR
Ah, nuts, I had it on my mental list but you know how these things slip in an out. Maybe a shark repellant that don’t rely on smoke and mirrors?
here you go: https://www.madistewart.com…
What are the 7 divisions 2john qualifies in?
sharknado yes fuck for sure!!
Why is so much faith put in to Webber? Can’t be from the words he says.
Was surfing against his younger twin brothers in pro ams and teams events in the 80s . A fellow team mate of mine informed me that they attended Cranbrook ( One of Australia’s most prestigious private schools ) as their other brothers had before them . So not only is Greg a creative genius ,surfer / shaper but well connected to the upper echelons of Australian society like many members of the Bondi / Bronte ITN Boardriders of the time . ( eg Dave Gyngell former CEO of Australian Media Giant 9 Network and Rod Kerr star of Bondi Rescue just to name a few ).Some of the wildest after contest parties I’ve ever attended when Elouera and ITN met in the Surfleague Southern Sydney Region .
And ever so charismatic.
Derek, as a specialist on Australian Charismatic Icons ,do you rate him in the same league as former PM Bob Hawke ?
But I know something about you. He went to Cranbrook, that’s a private school! – B Rabbit to Greg Webber in 8 Mile
My fellow team mate went to Newington as did a lot of kids in our club, Andrew Murphy among them , and at the time and it seemed to him important to tell me ? I went to a government school and must say in my case that education was wasted on the youth . Anyway my dad went to Waverley College , my sister in law teaches at Ascham and my wonderful grandmother was a cleaner at Sydney Boys High School and my oldest niece and nephew finished recently at PLC and Newington . All means shit to me but was trying to give ricmatic Mr Webber’s back story .
Just reminded me of the line at the 1:56 mark. Figured the reference might go over your head just as all yours did since I’m from from New England and in my twenties. Though the experience of having someone tell you what private school they went to as if I give a shit is all to familiar here. A lil B rabbit for ya.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Derek, you stir nationalistic pride like this ain’t the first time you’ve made soup.
Soup and pie, all I got.
And memories !
Some fond, some hurtful.
But plenty of memories.
And soup …. and pie.
And some very good paintings, all for sale, mind you.
11) The Tour will only exist as a reality Tv show where punters compete against the “Proclaimed” best.
12) Due to Webbers pool the new leaders of “surf” are from the Tibetan steps forgoing horses for boards!!
13)Due to sea level rises Bangladesh is new Bali
Interesting fact, one of the best surfers in China is from Mongolia!
And there you have it People™, communism in a nutshell.
Otto. Come into the fold. Communism loves you! And you too WILL love communism. right? RIGHT!?
As an unambitious man, I like communism for apportioning equal reward to every worker, no matter how dumb or lazy.
Me too! The best pitch eva for commies. They get too moralistic. Go with this!
Cept in 2023 we’ll learn that sea level rise is now called ocean change and could possibly even mean in some parts of the world the sea level will be lower.
As thousands of surfers flock to the wave pools , boogie boarders take over open open surf spots reclaiming thier position as outsiders , leaving surfing as sups to the mundane mainstream.
Shapers become a thing of the past with kiosks set up where 3D printingv punches out solid light wieght plastic recycable hybrid boards from vending machines at the wave pools
China will enter somehow.
and Laird will still be talking himself up
Oh, and yes, the West will be enslaved by its Chinese masters. The left will reminisce about the good ol days of American hegemony.
Xi will still be in charge. The Chinese are better masters anyway. Do what you want just keep your mouth shut & leave the govt out of it.
And smile for the dang cameras.
To quote the world economic forum « China was the world’s largest economy in 1820 and is the second largest today « . More history repeating ………….?
What other history-repeating scenarios do you see? The French retaking the British crown? The Moors recolonising Spain?
When Henri Plantagenet ,future king of England ,married Alienor of Aquitaine ( ex wife of the king of France and rightful owner of France’s future world class beach breaks and the vineyards of Bordeaux ) Things got very complicated ( so intertwined are these two peoples in the fabric of history) and The Moors ruled Spain for over 800 years so they obviously left a lasting impression on the remaining population in all aspects of life ( so their influence never left to comeback) .Other than that I predict that longboards made out of wood with no fins will make a comeback ? Beards , Bonzers and Beads…….? In my humble opinion Evolution is not progress just change . So if change is the only permanent then nothing really has changed ? I forgot to predict that my board in 2018 would have roughly the same dimensions as what I rode more than a generation ago, through the 80s , 6’0 x19”, with the same fluoro green deck and 3 fins .
And really short and tight boardshorts.
Waiting for the retro echo beach Tom Carroll thigh huggers ? Though mine never hugged my thighs in the 80s as I was genetically gifted my dad’s , Lucky Legs ! ( lucky they don’t snap off and go up your arse ! )
Wavestorm has launched its clothing line: t’s, trunks, beanies, etc, & surfers wear ‘em unirronically
The price is right or any port in a (wave)storm ?
Folks just dig the Huffy-esque graphics