The owners of professional surfing feted at a grand ball!
Last night, while I was flying trans-atlantically home from Copenhagen, Dirk and Natasha Ziff were honored as Watermen of the Year at the very famous Waterman’s Ball. I was informed of this by the equally famous Scott Bass (listen us chat here!) who texted me “Waterman’s Ball tonight in Laguna… Dirk and Natasha Ziff are being honored as ‘Watermen of the Year.’ You going?” while I laid over in Stockholm.
The invitation must have been delivered to my home whilst I was away and I felt very sad, knowing that my absence would be both noted and mourned.
Dirk and Natasha Ziff, as you well know, own professional surfing and I’m sure the evening was a glittering who’s who of surf personality. I spent the 11 hours from Stockholm to Los Angeles intermittently crying and imagining my most perfect night.
4:30 Pull on a newly purchased Balenciaga tuxedo over a Hawaiian shirt and pair of Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandals in traditional green/yellow colorway.
6:00 Drive north from Cardiff by the Sea to Laguna Beach listening to a Planet Money podcast.
7:15 Arrive fashionably late and make small talk with Jessi Miley-Cyrus (PowerBalance bracelet), commissioner of the Women’s World Surf League Championship Tour. Laugh about Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, inequality etc.
7:18 Order a vodka soda only to be informed that the sole drink of the evening is the new Michelob Ultra Gold brewed with Organic Grains.
7:35 See Kelly Slater (floor-length green lei) take a sip of his Michelob Ultra Gold brewed with Organic Grains. See him pucker his lips uncomfortably.
8:03 Talk shop with Nick Carroll (floral bowtie), Marcus Sanders (below the knee boardshorts), Jamie Brisick (drag) and other assorted surf journalists. Laugh about being “frenemies of the people.”
8:07 Open my sixth Michelob Ultra Gold brewed with Organic Grains with my Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandal because the bartender forgot.
8:23 Take my seat two rows away from WSL CEO Sophie Goldschmidt (ultra large Dragon sunglasses) and chief marketing officer Beth Greve (FCS rashguard), trading ironic open-mouthed silent laughs and exaggerated shakas with both of them.
8:45 Listen attentively while Dirk Ziff (oversized St. Christopher chain medallion) and Natasha Ziff (pussy bow blouse) speak glowingly about how much surfing means to them and how our beautiful future will look.
9:04 See The Inertia’s Zach Weisberg (wetsuit booties) subtly rubbing himself against a Rob Machado ice sculpture.
9:48 Cocaine (Buy here in the US! Here in Australia!)
10:03 Solve the World Surf League’s Hawaii problem alongside WSL General Manager of Events Graham Stapelberg (Da Hui Pit Proven baseball cap).
11:46 Get a text alert that #tournotes Peter King has gotten his band Dakota Motor Company back together and is playing a secret show in Costa Mesa. Sprint.
12:30 Arrive home realizing that one of my Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandal was somehow lost along the way.
7:30 am (the next day) Wake up to a gentle knock on the door and find ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker (black leather chaps) holding one rose and one Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandal on bended knee.
Live happily ever after.