The owners of professional surfing feted at a grand ball!
Last night, while I was flying trans-atlantically home from Copenhagen, Dirk and Natasha Ziff were honored as Watermen of the Year at the very famous Waterman’s Ball. I was informed of this by the equally famous Scott Bass (listen us chat here!) who texted me “Waterman’s Ball tonight in Laguna… Dirk and Natasha Ziff are being honored as ‘Watermen of the Year.’ You going?” while I laid over in Stockholm.
The invitation must have been delivered to my home whilst I was away and I felt very sad, knowing that my absence would be both noted and mourned.
Dirk and Natasha Ziff, as you well know, own professional surfing and I’m sure the evening was a glittering who’s who of surf personality. I spent the 11 hours from Stockholm to Los Angeles intermittently crying and imagining my most perfect night.
4:30 Pull on a newly purchased Balenciaga tuxedo over a Hawaiian shirt and pair of Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandals in traditional green/yellow colorway.
6:00 Drive north from Cardiff by the Sea to Laguna Beach listening to a Planet Money podcast.
7:15 Arrive fashionably late and make small talk with Jessi Miley-Cyrus (PowerBalance bracelet), commissioner of the Women’s World Surf League Championship Tour. Laugh about Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, inequality etc.
7:18 Order a vodka soda only to be informed that the sole drink of the evening is the new Michelob Ultra Gold brewed with Organic Grains.
7:35 See Kelly Slater (floor-length green lei) take a sip of his Michelob Ultra Gold brewed with Organic Grains. See him pucker his lips uncomfortably.
8:03 Talk shop with Nick Carroll (floral bowtie), Marcus Sanders (below the knee boardshorts), Jamie Brisick (drag) and other assorted surf journalists. Laugh about being “frenemies of the people.”
8:07 Open my sixth Michelob Ultra Gold brewed with Organic Grains with my Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandal because the bartender forgot.
8:23 Take my seat two rows away from WSL CEO Sophie Goldschmidt (ultra large Dragon sunglasses) and chief marketing officer Beth Greve (FCS rashguard), trading ironic open-mouthed silent laughs and exaggerated shakas with both of them.
8:45 Listen attentively while Dirk Ziff (oversized St. Christopher chain medallion) and Natasha Ziff (pussy bow blouse) speak glowingly about how much surfing means to them and how our beautiful future will look.
9:04 See The Inertia’s Zach Weisberg (wetsuit booties) subtly rubbing himself against a Rob Machado ice sculpture.
9:48 Cocaine (Buy here in the US! Here in Australia!)
10:03 Solve the World Surf League’s Hawaii problem alongside WSL General Manager of Events Graham Stapelberg (Da Hui Pit Proven baseball cap).
11:46 Get a text alert that #tournotes Peter King has gotten his band Dakota Motor Company back together and is playing a secret show in Costa Mesa. Sprint.
12:30 Arrive home realizing that one of my Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandal was somehow lost along the way.
7:30 am (the next day) Wake up to a gentle knock on the door and find ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker (black leather chaps) holding one rose and one Reef Mick Fanning Signature beer bottle opening sandal on bended knee.
Live happily ever after.
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Well if Smellie Skater a Lackey Peterson are on your team well full them too. And as far as the dreamers..there just that programmed by the media dreamers.
Ziff your a con and you know it! Go back!
Your whole crew are money whores… all bought!
I’m really close to that socialism as we speak twillo I can literally smell it!!
I honestly thought this was a spoof-but there’s new releases and it’s real. The Horror! The horror!
Remember that time Hitler got nominated for a Nobel Peace Price? Serious.
Everyone forgets that, credit where credit is due, he did actually kill Hitler, so not all bad. (Jimmy Carr).
Mind blown!
Could Hitler infact win the Nobel Peace Prize because he killed Hitler. I’m going to need a couple if weeks off work while I ponder this.
Yes, I coach Newport’s surf racing academy squad in board racing and some ironperson stuff, head for head it’s the best surf racing team in the world right now.
There are in fact super heroes in its ranks.
That is super rad.
And so fast because, really, all those Newport Peak sharks………
Amazing how you keep your dark clubby side a secret or is it just us that refuse delve further into the pedigree of the Super heros benevolent Coach/mentor, and don’ t know this is part of the Carrolls DNA!
Fortunately for everyone I try to keep it out of this nightmare world of cruelty and misunderstanding.
Inspired. I feel like we should lock chas in airplanes for long periods of time more often.
The FCS rash guard made me snort inelegantly.
Cool, hope they assessed waterman on ability to sail, ocean swim, freediver, body surf, spearfish, rescue. Or was it just ability to catch waves with different shaped fibreglass boards? Yeah, thought so.
These waterman nominees were assessed on ability to bankroll professional surfing entirely.
This is not completely true. SIMA wanted to give the Waterman award to John John Florence but sadly JJF could not make himself available on the night. D&N were second cabs off the Waterman rank. Ps JJF came second in the Molokai stock teams division last week, paddling with Petey J’s kid. They would have won except two kids from my racing squad beat them by fucking forever. I like that JJF does what feels right to him in the moment.
Interesting perspective, but my comment was merely poking fun that a billionaire turd and his wife won a waterman award.
Big balls backing pro surfing, tho.
Gotta give him that much.
oh well, whatever makes a billionaire happy, I guess.
THAT, right there! Is a fucking joke, JJF couldn’t make the event so, WTF, let’s give it to the billionaires????? FMD.
Damn JJF, how dare he miss his Waterman award , because of the lame excuse , of competing in a waterman’s event!
D&N at least turned up and have at least watched watermen !
“(floor-length green lei) ”
Love it.
That fuckin Noa wave.
Number of people that couldve made that barell divided by the number of people that can punt like that equals?
What am I? A god damn mathemagician?
Punt outdid barrel
Okay guys, hate to change the subject a little, (don’t flip out), but since the Inertia has a habit of banning people whom they don’t agree with (and Beachgrit seems a somewhat open forum) just need to state a little bit of my point of view here.
I believe these dudes, Zac, Alex, Dylan, have sacrificed their surfing principles in pursuit of the ‘almighty dollar’, feeding lies and propaganda to innocent young groms and newbies in an attempt to cash in on surfing and in their pursuit of the ‘almighty dollar’, these guys (Zac, Alex, Dylan) have basicly ‘sold’ their (surfing) souls for ‘money’ and are turncoats to the the true essence of surfing, it turns my stomach. If theres a surfing Hades, these guys will probably be first in line.
You think those vapid cunts ever had souls?
Ok, we get it, you don’t like the Inertia… I can also see that you’re commenting with two different accounts (both anti The Inertia) on this thread. That combined with the Inertia global conspiracy line you’re pushing makes me understand why they banned you.
They banned me because I kept busting them on mistakes they made in their articles and because I was exposing their propaganda that they were trying to brainwash young groms and others with.
BeachGrit may wear the hat better than The Inertia but ultimately BG is chasing a slice of the capitalist pie as well… And if a couple of Groms gets brainwashed along the way and start acting/dressing like Chas we’ll just have to call that collateral damage.
I agree the Inertia is a piece of crap though…
Oh yeah, pick one account and stick with it…
Most everyone here is several chapters ahead of you. You’re not exposing anything that hasn’t already been expanded on here. Chill with the self-vindication in every thread, we get it. Welcome to Beach Grit.
Thank you.
A conversation between Dirk and Natasha Ziff while commuting to the SIMA Waterman’s Ball:
Dirk: “Natasha, are you as fired up about our Waterman of the Year Award as I am?
Natasha: “Well Dirk, I am a woman. I like water. It’s awkward saying Waterwoman, but it’s more awkward being defined as a man of the Water Clan. Faark. The who dang clan?”
Dirk: “I’m glad you’re fired up too!”
Natasha: “It’s a good thing you’re wealthy Dirk.”
Yes, it seem Zac, Alex and Dylan all have a fetish for pro surfers. They just seem to swoon over them in their articles.
Who dang clan ain’t nuthin ta fuck with…
OK 9.48 sounds interesting , did you only invite ¨G¨, or was there a Sniffy Ziffy moment?
So Speaker went from not granting you an interview to being your prince charming.
There’s hope for us all!
Who can resist a man wearing the reef Australian Jesus model with a bottle opener on the sole ? Plato onced asked Mick why he never changed his thongs ( slaps ? ) and Mick replied “ Because the Soul is immortal “ ?
Chas,
I’m sure everyone was talking and eyeing you…..” that’s the SOB that is call everyone out”. Did you bring your bodyguard?
you had me at “laid over in Stockholm”
Didn’t know you could fly ARN-LAX non-stop, did ya?
Yes! 11 dreamy hours!
Unless you did it in business class (which I hope you did) ain’t nothing dreamy about 11 hours in economy.
Why do Watermen have bigger balls than Firemen? They sell more tickets .A real Cinderella story (or Cinderslut as she was originally known when slut meant slovenly and not generous ).
Were Laird’s ™ balls there?
Ian Walsh’s were and those are pretty big.
Kai Lenny was on Johns’ new full time profession…I mean sailboat.
Where was Billy Kemper?
Why did the WSL Restaurant go out of business?
There were too many kooks in the kitchen.
SIMAn says , come to our balls ?