Blood Feud: Kalani Robb launches Hawaiian
jihad on surf blog!
By Chas Smith
Former top-rated WCT pro calls on Rothman family
and Da Hui to strike this North Shore winter!
Doesn’t the arrogance of the elites drive you just
mad? Just blood bursting in the temples livid?
It does me.
The upper crust with their cuffed tweed pants and designer
soccer slides. The elites with their barely disguised disdain for
The People.
Today, Sam McIntosh workaday publisher of
the surf blog Stab, trying as hard as he can
to make a living for the workaday surfer too by hosting an air
competition in Waco, Texas, that I am very excited for, wrote about
his dreams.
Shall we read?
We don’t want some of the world’s best non-WSL surfers to
become Vloggers to save their hide. Our goal with Stab High is to
provide a platform for these guys to showcase their skill in a
controlled environment. It isn’t meant to be too serious; just the
world’s best aerial surfers, raw, all laying it on the line on the
same section, for a couple of hours on a Saturday night.
Oh I dream of saving the world from vloggers too. From the
Kardashians and PewDiePie and Smosh and their millions and millions
of dollars and millions and millions of followers for talking about
makeup and anal sex.
Kalani Robb, who makes video
logs for Catch Surf, felt the burn and responded with a call for
Hawaiian jihad.
“Not the smartest move talking shit about Hawaiians before u
go there this winter.”
CC’d on the fatwa were Eddie Rothman, Koa Rothman and Da
Hui.
Oh but Kalani, oh but the world is yours.
It is yours and the Kardashians and PewDiePie and Smosh. You are
the future with your millions and millions and millions and
millions.
Can you please leave us blogs alone?
To toil in obscurity with our tens and tens until progress rolls
us up into a Persian carpet and tosses us in a dusty closet.
Have you ever considered bloggers’ feelings, Kalani?
Well have you?
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The luxe room at Snowball. What games of the
flesh you might play here!
Dreams-come-true department:
Surfer/snowboarder mortgages house, buys ski chalet, never has to
work again!
By Derek Rielly
You living your dream?
It’s a hoary old line: find something you love
and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.
Easier said than done, as we all know. I love cupping the
pendulous bosoms of middle-aged Jewesses and eating hot bread rolls
that have been buttered with a particular Scandinavian butter but
I’m yet to make a dollar out of it.
One lifelong surfer, and snowboarder, who has cut himself a
piece of the lifestyle pie is the Australian Dan Solo. This is a
man who wanted to be the master of his own ship but, like most of
us, got caught in the gotta-make-cash wheel. He had a pregnant girl
and was trying to live and survive in one of the most expensive
cities in the world, Sydney as if you had to ask.
Dan earned his bread as a web developer but says that every day,
as he rode the ferry to work, “I felt sad. All these grey men in
their grey suits with their grey frowns. My mantra is, you get one
crack at life, so you better make it a bloody good one. And I
wasn’t making my life a good one.”
For twenty years, Dan and his girl, Andy, worked hard and didn’t
save a cent.
Dan and Andy had a talk.
“We can’t do this for the next twenty years. We’re
miserable.”
When he’s not surfing around Sydney, Dan and Andy like to take
off for Japan. Buckets of powder. Real nice people. Good
electronics. Warm Saki.
Dan had always loved the Japanese vibe. When he was thirteen he
told his best pal that when he had a kid he was going to call him
after the protagonist in the Japanese post-apocalytic animated film
Akira.
By the time they’d hit their thirties, Dan and Andy had ridden
all over Japan. And so they figured, why don’t we open a little
boutique chalet in the mountains? The pair had been pouring
their lives into their Bondi apartment (Sydney is the second-most
heated property market after Hong Kong), a place where a crummy
two-bedder a click from the beach starts at a million bucks, and
had enough equity to peel off a slice and invest in their
dream.
(Their kid Akira wasn’t so little anymore either. He was
sixteen, fluent in Japanese after a life in the International
School system and loved to ride Japan’s powder.)
And the thing about Japan is, because of the big ski resort bust
in the late-nineties and the subsequent reticence of banks to lend
money to anyone buying property in the snow, it’s cheap, at least
relative to Australia.
So, three years ago, they bought a dreamy nine-room chalet for a
couple hundred thousand Australian at Madarao Mountain, two hours
by bullet from Tokyo. They’d driven past it and, on a whim, had
stopped and asked the seventy-two-year-old owner if she’d sell. Her
eyes lit up. Property is hard to shift in these parts. When they
went to sign the deal, it turned out they’d bought two blocks of
land.
Dan and Andy renovated the existing chalet, turning a trad
pension into a hip, but luxe, ski chalet. They stuck a yurt on the
other and turned into a buzzy little bar called the Shaggy Yak.
They’d banked on a twenty-five percent occupancy rate, something
they thought might be a little bullish, but it wound up at
fifty-five in that first year.
This year it’s shaping up to be over eighty percent.
The success of Snowball Chalet means Dan gets to split his
time between snowboarding the northern hemisphere winter in Japan
and surfing the rest of the year in Australia.
Sure he’s got a little work to do in the off season, dealing
with the website, online bookings, improvements on the joint, and
when he’s on the mountain his role is to host guests, riding with
’em on mountain, showing off the hot pools and snow monkeys that
live nearby, dinners etc.
It sure ain’t digging ditches.
It’s a story, a lesson, I think, in learning think in a way that
examines, first, what you love, how you gonna earn your bread and
in what manner you plan on spending your pitifully short time here
on earth.
I see Dan in the surf, around the beach and it’s like he’s seen,
I dunno, the truth, I suppose. That killing yourself at work so you
might retire with a little cash at seventy ain’t the only way to
cut the pie.
More than that: you don’t need to be rich to live a rich
life.
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Victory: Surf becomes too absurd to make
fun of!
By Chas Smith
The day has finally arrived. Surf is officially
too absurd to make fun of. Too off the rails weird where even
The Onion, the pinnacle of American satirical expression,
could not make surf satirical or absurd.
Totally true.
As you know, I consume surf news like no one earth. And by
“consume” I mean that I Google “surf” first thing in the morning
and then click “news” then Google “surfing” and then click
“news.”
This morning I did that and read this story.
Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property
amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4
Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told
reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral
Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries to tell
me. This place is in my blood, and I’m not leaving no matter what,”
said Brock of the beach apparel and souvenir shop where he and two
of his cousins are currently employed as cashiers, where his uncle
once worked as an assistant manager, and where his father once
helped vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro pick out a
pair of sunglasses. “I’m not some coward who’s just going to flee
and abandon everything my family has worked so hard for. These
flip-flop bottle opener keychains, these waterproof wallets, these
boogie boards—they’re a part of who I am, and I’ll never abandon
them. If I have to die, let me die in the place that I love,
surrounded by collectable shot glasses and fridge magnets, wearing
the Bob Marley T-shirt and board shorts of my people.” Brock
reportedly prepared for the storm by stuffing several foam beer
koozies and tie-dyed beach towels in the cracks beneath the store’s
front doorway.
I thought, “What a legend. I’m doing a story.”
Then went on to try to find where this legend lived and realized
he was a satirical The Onion creation.
And then I stepped away from my computer and danced to Abba
because we’ve arrived. We’ve all officially arrived. So satirical
that it can no longer be satirized.
God bless surfing. God bless it each and every day.
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Joel Tudor: “I make fun of shit ‘cuz I
can!”
By Chas Smith
Joel Tudor, the "grumpy local" hero that surfing
needs, weighs in on high-performance longboarding!
I called Joel Tudor today and he laughed when
he answered the phone. Laughed a genuine laugh that increasingly
rare in these horribly fractured times. Laughed when I said, “This
is Chas Smith from BeachGrit.” Laughed when I repeated it
because my connection was bad.
It made me so happy. So marvelously, wonderfully happy that he
appears to practice what he preaches. Slinging outrageous barbs but
them accepting them in equal measure because it’s all a funky
dance, right? No one can ever take this surfing ultimately serious,
right? We’re all walking disasters, right?
Right?
Or to quote Joel Tudor himself, “I make fun of shit ‘cuz I
can.’
Amen Brother Joel.
Today I called him because high-performance longboarding is
happening at Lowers. High-performance longboarding at Lowers as
part of the Relik Longboarding Tour and I was already curious as to
his take even before he posted the above photo to his Instagram
account.
After he finished laughing I asked, “Is there a future in
high-performance longboarding or is on the verge of going away
forever?”
He responded, “Well, it’s geared to the region and there is one
place in the world it works. Hawaii. It works in Hawaii because the
waves are so fast so it becomes functional. The kids in Hawaii….
the kids in Hawaii are radical and they’re caught up in it but it
doesn’t work or look good anywhere else.”
It made much sense, the “ride the appropriate board for the
conditions” mantra and Joel continued to riff on the value of
modern logging without training wheels (I was unsure if “training
wheels” refers to side fins or a leash though assumed the former),
how it’s not some leftover relic, as it were, but a living
breathing expression that today’s youth are stretching, molding,
changing. How much fun it is etc.
But back to high-performance longboarding, I suppose I’m happy
that it can stick around in Hawaii and also happy that it doesn’t
belong anywhere else.
Jordy Smith: Surf Ranch Pro “predictable”
and “not that exciting!”
By Chas Smith
"My dad can get a barrel in the pool!"
We are doing the Lord’s work here and you are
too. It’s our shared burden, our sacred duty, to examine every last
angle on the Surf Ranch and eponymous Surf Ranch Pro before we move
on. Oh it would have been easy, yesterday, to put Lemoore behind us
and thrill over the next shiny thing but then we’d be no better
than black crows. And we are better than black crows. Better than
any and all solo projects associated with black crows too from
Magpie Salute to Chris Robinson’s Brotherhood.
And so, brothers + sisters, let us peer into Jordy Smith’s
Instagram where the current world number 6 asked for his friends
and followers to weigh in on the Surf Ranch.
What was your thoughts on the @wsl #surfranch event? 👍🏼👎🏼
also thanks @slaterdesigns for the board. Had fun riding something
different 🤙🏼 now back to the #ocean 🌊
A quick scroll through the feed reveals more thumbs downs than
thumbs ups but it is certainly a mixed bag. Many people loved. Many
more hated. And many many more fell somewhere in between
extremes.
Jordy entered the fray himself midway though the feed in
response to the great Shane Beschen.
jordysmith88@shanebeschen absolutely. I think size equals
depth in the barrel and honest my dad can get a barrel in the pool.
A barrel in the ocean is highly rewarded because it’s hard to
predict and hard to come by. But the ranch is predictable and
really not that exciting to the viewers after watching the 10th
surfer go back into the barrel for another 10 seconds .. 😂😂😂
anyways my 2cents
A valuable 2 cents, don’t you think? And an accurate assessment.
Funny enough, when Derek and I finished our day at Surf Ranch and
were driving home, Derek newly invigorated from chasing a hangover
away, me with busted wing, there was much discussion of the barrel
and what a waste of the wave it is.
Oh it is fine and fine enough but in myopically focusing on it
the rest of the ride is sacrificed. Sacrificed for a crouchy little
thing that Jordy’s dad can also enjoy. Of course there is much
difference between the top 32 and Jordy’s dad and Derek and me but
I think the sentiment might be the same. That consequence-free
barrels, when there is a glut, are not as fun to watch, or do, as
airs or turns.
If ever invited back, I’m going to race ahead and right when
that barrel starts to bend pull my Birdwells down and moon it from
out on the shoulder.