Jake Gyllenhall (pictured) starred in the film Zodiac and was born Dec. 19 giving him a D.
Jake Gyllenhall (pictured) starred in the film Zodiac and was born Dec. 19 giving him a D.

Revealed: Your surf ability dictated by the stars!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Unlock your secret potential today!

How many mornings a week do you paddle out and have a surf of which you are proud? Like, whacking the lip and getting little tubes and well-timed wraps that don’t bog? One day a week? Three days a month? Less?

I feel we are mostly frustrated with our abilities. Not frustrated, maybe, but also not generally wowed. Just muddling along, trying to improve while also being resigned to never really improving.

It’s a hard knock life, for us, and we blame ourselves or should. The grown woman blaming her board is ugly. The grown man who flips his board upside down to examine his fins after an ill-timed wrap that did bog is ugly.

Our skill-level, for better or worse, is our personal cross to bear.

Or is it?

Recent studies suggest that the stars are responsible and let us turn to an astrological analysis from the esteemed Elle magazine.

Inspired by the primordial elements of life, water, air, earth and fire, zodiac signs CAN tell us a little bit about someone’s broad characteristics. Furthermore, astrology can give away information about a person’s strengths and weaknesses (we all know how important it is to be aware of both!), hobbies, interests, as well as best sports to pursue, be it surfing, martial arts, hiking or rock climbing. That being said, please remember that you are the only one responsible for your decisions and should always aim to break out of your shell.

So? Which signs are best for surfing?

Aires (March 21 – April 19):

Due to their competitive nature, Aries are easily put off by sports they are not so good at. Focus, strength and determination are their key assets, which is why high-energy sports fit them like a glove. Martial arts, boxing, motorcycle riding and outdoor activities are something Aries are drawn to.

Grade: D

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Unlike the previous sign of the zodiac, Taurus individuals usually don’t like speed and danger all that much. Competition is not something they’re particularly drawn to either. Earth is their dominant element, and they’re all about having fun, socializing and being close to nature.

Grade: F

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The first air sign of the zodiac, Gemini are characterized by duality. Don’t take it the wrong way, if harnessed just right, this can be turned to their advantage. They are generally curious, intelligent individuals who love a good debate.

Grade: D

Cancer (June 21 – July 21)

A water sign, Cancer is symbolized by the crab – with a rough outer shell but vulnerable on the inside. Sensitive, romantic, compassionate, Cancers are great at team sports but at the same time, they have a tendency to quickly retreat into their shells, which is why they are often called ‘crabby’ persons.

Grade: D

Leo (July 22 – August 22)

Born under a fire sign, Leos sure are fiery, fierce, overflowing with energy. Sparkling, courageous and very active, they believe in strong personal values. Their competitive nature makes them capable of great achievements.

Grade: D (from personal experience)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos are often considered more intellectual than active, but truth be told, they can take up any sport. Dominated by the earth element, they are detail-oriented, calculative and can sometimes take their organization habits a tad too far.

Grade: D

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Intense effort is not the Libras’ thing, so sports are not as exciting for them. If they do choose to practice a sport, it should provide some benefits, keep them healthy and maintain their silhouette.

Grade: F

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Scorpios are a force of nature. Passionate and assertive, their minds are just as strong as their bodies. Very determined, they love to be in control. Therefore, they can be ruthless competitors.

Grade: D

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

One of the most athletic zodiac signs, those born under the Sagittarius sign love anything that gets them moving. Freedom is the word that best describes them – nudist beaches, wild camping, horse riding; all of these spell excitement.

Grade: D

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns love spending time by themselves. An earth sign, they are practical persons, disciplined and dedicated. Their symbol is the mountain, the peak that has to be conquered. Indeed, they do feel the need to break their limits and embark on a slow but determined ascension, either on the social ladder or in whatever area of their life they choose to focus on.

Grade: D

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

An air sign, Aquariuses are independent individuals with a great sense of humor. Explosiveness and freedom best characterize them, as they are nonconformist, curious, rebellious souls that easily get excited about anything.

Grade: C

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Water is their element, and Pisces feel comfortable performing any water-based activity. Intuitive, artistic, sometimes overly trusting, Pisces oscillate between optimism and pessimism.

Grade: D

Well hell. Thanks a lot, lucky stars.

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Tonight: Hollywood does Hawaii and surf culture… again!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Most importantly, how do you feel about facial/body hair?

Were you a big fan of the Tom Selleck vehicle Magnum P.I.? With the Hawaiian shirt and the moustache and the red Ferrari? I’ll tell you the truth here. I wasn’t but not because I didn’t want to be but only because it first aired in 1980 and I was simply too young.

I was certainly a fan of Tom Selleck, as pinned to my 4th grade teacher’s wall all hirsute tugging on his panties I think. This was pre-#MeToo remember when women teachers could pin hirsute men on their walls with no blowback.

Ahhh.

Anyhow, back to Magnum P.I. Wikipedia describes the plot as:

Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV is a private investigator played by Tom Selleck. He resides in the guest house of a 200-acre (81 ha) beachfront estate called Robin’s Nest, in Hawaii, at the invitation of its owner, Robin Masters, the celebrated, but never-seen, author of several dozen lurid novels.Ostensibly this is quid pro quo for Magnum’s services based upon his expertise in security; the pilot and several early episodes suggest Magnum had done Masters a favor of some kind, possibly when Masters hired him for a case. The voice of Robin Masters, heard only a few times per season, was provided by Orson Welles (one last “appearance” was provided by a different actor, Reid Crandell).[citation needed]

Magnum lives a luxurious life on the estate and operates as a P.I. on cases that suit him. The only thorn in the side of his near-perfect lifestyle is Jonathan Quayle Higgins III, played by John Hillerman. An ex–British Army Sergeant Major, he is on the surface a stern, “by-the-book” caretaker of Robin’s Nest, whose strict ways often conflict with Magnum’s more easy-going methods. He patrols Robin’s Nest with his two highly trained “lads”, Doberman Pinschers named Zeus and Apollo. Magnum has free use of the guest house and the car, a Ferrari 308 GTS Quattrovalvole, but as a humorous aside in various episodes, often has to bargain with Higgins for use of estate amenities such as the tennis courts, wine cellar and expensive cameras.

Etc.

Which is why Wikipedia is shit because is that a plot? But whatever. Hawaii, surfing and television. We’ve seen this dance before more recently with the hit show Hawaii 5-0 which is amazing because Scott Caan shreds (learn why here!) but Magnum P.I. It is getting rebooted tonight and the new star says:

One thing that is different is that it’s more action-oriented. How much of that do you get to do? And did you have to learn how to scuba dive and paddle?

I did. For the surf ski, I took one lesson. It’s pretty hard. And the day we shot it, it was rainy and windy, so non-ideal conditions but we got through it. The scuba diving scene in the original draft of the pilot was much more involved. It was like this whole fight scene that took place underwater. It was super-amazing, but it was just too crazy to shoot in the amount of time that we had, so it got cut.

What the hell is a surf ski?

Nick Carroll? Is this what you were telling me about?

More importantly, will you watch? The new Magnum P.I. is refusing to wear a moustache which I find abhorrent.

Which brings me to the real point of the post. How do you feel about facial/body hair? Tell me true.

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rob bain
From oblivion to world domination! The miracle ride of Australian surfer Robbie Bain.

From the you-can-do-anything department: World Grand Wizard Rob Bain’s Miracle World Title!

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

It's a real tearjerker!

Life, as we’re all aware, can be violently extinguished or instantly ruined. Don’t matter if you’re the genius head of a trillion-dollar company or down at heel and milking lonely dads in stairwells, we’re all one breath away from oblivion.

The Australian surfer Rob Bain, who won the title of World Grand Surfing Wizard yesterday in the Azores, is one man who’s looked into the void, decided it wasn’t for him, and stormed back to take life by the horn, as they say.

Nine years ago, he snapped his neck surfing at North Avalon, a breezy sorta Sydney reef.

“It was the worst thing but it was also a beautiful thing,” says Rob.

Click below to listen to his story, knowing he was “broken inside” of “feeling like I was going to die” and of hearing the paramedics and the doctor arguing over what to do with his terrible injuries and the aftermath of a catastrophic injury.

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Photo: WSL/Kirstin Scholtz

Breaking: Kelly Slater’s record 11 World Titles set to fall!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Is Rob Ba12n a longshot? What about Tom Carro13? Layne Bea19ly?

So here I was, minding my own business, taking care of some overdue housekeeping when a giant bomb dropped from the heavens and landed on my head. Not a literal bomb, of course, a figurative one but with such a blast radius that I immediately stopped the overdue housekeeping and came here, to you, for solace.

You know Kelly Slater, the greatest surfer to ever live, very good, etc. has won an unprecedented, unheard of even, eleven world titles over the course of his lengthy career.

11.

It is so many world titles that I feel John John etc. are daunted and can leave the tour, satisfied after a few titles because 11 is obviously out of reach. Nobody is ever going to try and beat 11 because who has that sort of time on their hands?

Well, it was revealed today that winning one of the WSL’s new Masters and Grand Wizard events = one World Title. Don’t believe me? Here is a reputable news source then (I think reputable).

MORE than a decade after she won the last of a record seven women’s world surfing crowns Layne Beachley has returned to the water to snare an eighth title.

Beachley became the first female winner of a WSL world masters crown with her victory over Hawaiian Rochelle Ballard in the Azores as Australian surfers cleansweep every division.

The speciality event run by the WSL showcased the greats of world surfing with Beachley still boasting winning form 12 years after winning her seventh world tour title in 2006.

Etc.

At first I was very upset with this seemingly unfair reality. A whole year of grinding out a World Title, surfing events around the literal world, not figurative world, vs. winning one event but then I thought about how old all the Masters and Grand Wizard surfers are and I suppose it makes sense? A Herculean effort?

Whatever the case, this is our new reality and Kelly Slater is left with few options. Either he gets into the Masters then Grand Wizard division and pads his bottom line or Rob Ba12n shirts are going to be popping up all over.

Or is Rob Ba12n a longshot?

What about Tom Carro13?

Tom Curr18?

Layne Bea19ly?

Ian C20rns?

Where was Ian Cairns during the Grand Wizards anyhow?

And who do you put your money on to break Kelly Slater’s heretofore unbreakable record? Besides Kelly.

Also, can anyone join the Masters or Grand Wizards? Asking for my 74 year old self.

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Proven: Surfing, like BeachGrit, is officially anti-depressive!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Bliss achieved!

I have made it my business to mock people who ascribe some sort of spiritual quality to surfing. To mock them ruthlessly. I’ve always believed that surfing makes you slightly-to-lots worse as a person. Worse at work, worse in relationships, a worse parent and a worse friend. Not that it is necessarily bad to be bad but let’s all just be honest about it, right? Like, let’s all look in the mirror and admit that the “exercise” and “peacefulness” of surfing is all fake. It’s better exercise to power walk to the store for beer and it’s more peaceful to drink that beer.

Right?

Apparently not for the true experts have officially spoken to the UK’s Telegraph. Let’s read!

The US Navy this year embarked on a $1 million (£762,000) research project investigating the potential of surfing to help military personnel with PTSD, depression or sleep problems.

Initial results have already shown surfing can lead to a decrease in symptoms of depression. To active surfers (500,000 in the UK and 35 million globally), this “news” is anything but new.

“Surfing is the best therapist you can go to,” says former British champion surfer Laura Crane. “There is something about just being free and floating in the ocean.” The rhythm of the ocean is similar to that experienced in the womb, says Tom Kay, founder of surf clothing brand Finisterre. “There’s a strong link between health and well-being, and being in the sea.” Salt water contains magnesium, which is calming, and exposure to the sea strengthens the immune system, as well as helping to normalise blood pressure.

Surfing is mindfulness in action. You just need a board, a wetsuit and the sea. Watching waves, waiting for the right one, paddling and catching it demand your full attention. “It’s a focused state – a trance state,” says Gulf War veteran and psychotherapist Rich Emerson. “It gives you a break from everything else.”

It’s immersive, addictive and it both grounds and uplifts. Outdoor therapist Ruth Allen, of White Peak Wellbeing, says: “Overcoming fears, taking calculated risks and riding a wave allows people a genuine sense of achievement, while literally washing away negative feelings.”

And it’s not just negative life events that can be tricky to process. “I got married, started a family and set up a film-production company in one year,” says Harry Anscombe, CEO of Beagle. “Surfing helped me cope with the new responsibilities, because it got me out of myself for a couple of hours.”

It also reminds us that there are always forces beyond our control. “We all try to plan and control our lives,” Anscombe says. “But if you try to dominate the waves, you get beasted.”

Surfing has one trump card that few other physical pastimes, immersive as they are, can beat. You can’t take your mobile phone with you.

“Surfing puts you out of touch with technology and the thought processes around that part of your life,” agrees Joe Taylor, founder of the Wave Project, the UK’s first surf therapy charity. In his experience a great deal of anxiety and other mental health issues, particularly among young people, are amplified by social media and technology. The relentless pressure to be always-on, or to be something you’re not, can take its toll and surfing provides the antidote. “Surfing is completely honest. You can’t fake it,” says Stoy.

Etc.

But seriously, is there 35 million fucking surfers in the water? 35 fucking million? No wonder everywhere is so fucking crowded.

So over it. Fucking kooks everywhere.

Fucking kooks.

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Photo: Jack English
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