From the milk-a-story-bone-dry Department: G-Mac and Nazare back in The New York Times!

Chas Smith

By

Come relieve the greatest story in surf history... again!

I am not an expert in surfing. I am not an expert in technique, in wave forecasting, in critical analysis, in board building, in surf travel. I am not an expert in surf history, in competition, in judging, in reading a wave. I am not an expert in anything but turning one surf story into three, four, five, even infinite. I am an expert in Mick Fanning, Ashton Goggans, Paul Speaker, Backward Fin Beth etc.

And I thought I was the best in the world at this but I am not. Garrett McNamara beats me like a drum. He kicks me like a dead horse and he is back, once again, with wall-to-wall coverage of Nazare.

You saw him on CNN with Anderson Cooper, again, and I thought it was a replay from years ago but it was fresh and today he is in The New York Times, saving the little Portuguese fishing village from the monster waves that used to terrify them and let’s read just a touch, just a smidgen.

NAZARÉ, Portugal — At the market in the ancient fishing village of Nazaré, Portuguese pensioners shopped for their fruit and vegetables. Retired fishermen chatted over coffee. And a record-breaking American surfer sipped on a cucumber and celery smoothie.

It was Garrett McNamara, a 51-year-old from Hawaii who until recently held the world record for the highest wave ever surfed. And who, for most of his life, had never visited Europe and had to take some time to find Portugal on a map.

“I never envisaged this,” said Mr. McNamara, who tended to surf in the Pacific Ocean. “Portugal was never a destination.”

For centuries, Nazaré was a traditional seaside town, where fishermen taught their children to avoid the huge waves that crashed against the nearby cliffs. But over the past eight years, those same waves have turned the place into an unlikely draw for extreme surfers like Mr. McNamara, their fans and the global companies that sponsor the athletes.

Etc. Etc. And you know the rest of the story because you’ve read/seen it 100 times, 1000 times, infinite times.

I tip my cap to you, Mr. McNamara. Game recognizes game.

From the it’s-almost-Christmas-Department: Kelly Slater and Breitling release $US7000 “eco-friendly” dive watch!

Derek Rielly

By

"A rugged new watch that should hit aquatically-inclined horological obsessives like a gigantic wave!"

From modest little Cocoa Beach in Brevard County, Florida, to the dizzying heights of the world tour and, finally, the bright lights of Lemoore, California, Kelly’s star has shone over us for thirty years.

But now, I think it’s safe to say that Kelly Slater has arrived.

If confirmation was needed of his position as a mainstream superstar, this is it: a collaboration with luxury Swiss watchmaker Breitling, famous for its pilot watches and an annual party at Baselworld watch fair featuring topless models, women gyrating in dominatrix outfits and women wrestling in jelly”.

The watch “celebrates Breitling’s partnership with sustainable apparel manufacturer Outerknown, co-founded by surfing legend Kelly Slater. The watch features a Nato strap crafted from ECONYL® yarn, an innovative material created from nylon waste. With its black DLC-coated stainless steel case, bold blue dial, and unique blue strap, it makes a dramatic style statement and creates a powerful link to our oceans.”

According to Maxim magazine, which is a soft-porn title for man-babies and incels, the watch “should hit aquatically-inclined horological obsessives like a gigantic wave.”

Buy here or send link to sugar daddy/momma. 

Defeat: BeachGrit’s sleeper cell of easily triggered social justice warriors delivers stunning blow!

Chas Smith

By

A dark day.

Yesterday, while the world’s leaders gathered in France under grey skies to honor World War I’s fallen heroes, a sleeper cell of easily triggered social justice warriors was activated in BeachGrit‘s Instagram account and delivered a staggering rout.

At issue was a photo taken from the cult classic film Surf Nazis Must Die. The girl wore a swastika on her cheek and declared that she needed a vacation.

Fury raged in the comments with follower after follower declaring they would unfollow while shaming BeachGrit for being thoughtless, rude and terrible and then, like that, Instagram swung in and vanished the post like it never existed, leaving only a cryptic message in its place.

We removed your post because it doesn’t follow our Community Guidelines on violence or threat of violence. If you violate our guidelines again, your account may be restricted or disabled.

We want to keep Instagram a safe place for everyone, and we created these guidelines to support and protect our diverse community on Instagram.

  • We remove photos or videos of extreme graphic violence.
  • we remove oats that encourage violence or attacks on anyone based on their religious, ethnic or sexual background.
  • We remove specific threats of physical harm, theft, vandalism or financial harm.

BeachGrit‘s ravaged force will attempt to regroup but morale is extremely low as are supplies.

@boardporn
@boardporn

From the heart-an-empty-hole Department: Surfline plays the role of Mr. Grinch this holiday season!

Chas Smith

By

No big waves for you!

This morning arch-conservative (in its political leanings not wave measurements) surf forecasting website Surfline delivered its Christmas calculation and it is very bah humbug if you are the sort that craves big waves and/or craves watching big waves.

Are you that sort? Are you like the World Surf League President-elect of Content, Media and WSL Studios who is in Fiji right now (I think) at #kalamakamp surfing the monster waves of his young life?

Well, Surfline says screw you and let us read from their report.

“It’s a really tough very long range/winter forecast in the North Pacific, in what has been a peculiar past five to six years. As mentioned above, weak to moderate El Nino’s are all over the place in terms of North Pacific surf (and West Coast precipitation). Add the anomalously warm water in the Gulf of Alaska and it doesn’t make me feel great about our surf on the West Coast this winter (especially Southern California).”

“If I had to give a prediction, I would say first and foremost, it’s very low confidence — Southern California will be below average for surf size, we’ll probably see warmer than average air temps, and more days than normal of light wind/clean conditions. Northern California may also see smaller than normal surf and below average number of XXL days…”

We are apparently in a weak El Nino and this of course means no big waves for you and it also means no big waves for John John Florence and Kelly Slater at the just-around-the-corner Billabong Pipeline Pro in Honor of Andy Irons.

Do you care?

Or are you wiping your brow while waxing up your 5’2 fish?

Noah-Symmans-shark
Bodyboarder Noah Symmans, happy as a trout, despite shark bite to leg. | Photo: 9News

Bloody but unbowed: Western Australian bodyboarder “stomps on shark!”

Derek Rielly

By

Don't run, don't hide, fight back!

It’s almost summer in the southern hemisphere. And in Australia, that means shark season. Hello you fragile, dreamlike creatures.

The count so far. Three attacks in the same harbour in the Whitsundays, one fatal, and, yesterday, a bodyboarder was hit with “traumatic leg injuries” while surfing at Mandurah, one-and-a-half hours south of Perth.

From The Australian.

‘Super sharky vibes’ before attack, says WA surfer Noah Symmans. The West Australian surfer who was attacked by a shark yesterday morning said he “stomped” the animal until it let go of his leg.

Noah, 20, was surfing with a friend at Pyramids Beach, south of Perth, when he felt a shark biting his calf at around 8.40am.

“I was surfing with another mate at a known break in Mandurah and it was fairly eerie vibes, a couple salmon were about and it was overcast,” he said. 

“We were mid conversation waiting in the line-up when I felt something grab my left leg and try and pull me under, so with my other leg I stomped the shark until it released me and we gunned it for the rocks.”

Mr Symmans was flown via helicopter to hospital after being treated at the scene by lifeguards and paramedics.

It’s third attack at the same beach since 2014 .

And, two years ago, the surfer Ben Gerring was killed by a shark two clicks away. 

Photo: Jack English
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