Meanwhile, Tanner Hendrickson storms around his living room muttering, "Fuck you, fuck you!"
Did you see the first heat of round one of the Pipe Masters in Remembrance of Andy Irons? Me, sleeping like a drunken Englishman on a beach in Thailand, secure in the knowledge that the WSL would assault me with notifications if and when the event started.
I must have got 50 yesterday. This morning, nothing.
A cock crow woke me and by the time I got past the Oakley ads it was the very welcome sight of 11-time world champion Kelly Slater in his presser casting doubt on the forecast. Which to be honest looks somewhere between diabolical and what Ross Williams referred to today as “cryptic”.
The surf was worse than unkempt, more a bindii-infested lawn in summer with scant patches of green grass in between. Very poor Pipeline. But forced into running due to the logistics of fitting a full-scale event into a rapidly shrinking event window.
A way out of this sporting sadism has to be found. Now that Sophie G has haired out of the tour revamp and Mentawai Super Bowl why not adapt the idea for the season-ender at Pipeline?
Tell me a one day or two day Invitational with the Title Contenders plus extras held on the best Pipe day/s of an extended window is not a winning idea. Watching back markers grind away with twos and threes in insolent untidy scraps is not a winning formula for great sporting drama.
But everyone knows that except the WSL, or so it seems.
And the prognosis for next year has taken a turn for the worst. No elimination until round three. No three-man round four heats, which consistently provided the high point of surfing performance all year, Exhibit A being J-Bay, Exhibit B being France. A huge step backwards in an effort to appease the athletes.
Yago Dora set down a winning template by throwing tail-high airs into the tradewind. An electric Italo followed the formula with ankle busting landings onto the flats.
It was there for Toledo to take on. He just had to pick it up at the waters edge and follow the script. Judges were ready and willing. Inexplicably, after cleanly spiking a little left, he changed the plan. Dickie Toledo whistled him over the the rights and things got very messy for Fil. Distressingly inept is the only way to describe his heat. From the body language with Toledo Snr after the heat it’s obvious things have gone very pear shaped in the Toledo Camp. It was a heat reminiscent of Joel Parkinson’s flame out to Gavin Gilette in 2009, which gifted the world title to Mick Fanning. Pretty much a total choke. And it does pain me to write that.
To balance the scale, Medina’s performance in the following heat was as devastatingly efficient as Toledo’s was inept. He flipped a little full rotation oop into the breeze, strolled in and out of a few awkward tubes and laid a patina of ultra-competent hustle all over the line-up. As casual as a Miami barman. He had, as Pottz noted, “the whereabouts to get the job done.”
Joycey Wilson also looked solid, if unspectacular. Fatherhood becomes him. I can relate. Coming home after a hard day to your babe and babe in arms fills a man with love. Those little fingers wrapped around yours. I’m on the Medina train but a little bit of #CarnJoycey is slipping in.
Colapinto laid down one perfect turn in heat seven, a sizzling fully-torqued top turn and that was the heat.
Truthfully, the reunion of the old band, Ronnie and Ross, was more entertaining than the surfing. Never thought I would utter those words, that the commentary shaded the action. But it did. Maybe Ross is keeping his blade sharp for a return to the booth 2019? That would be good.
The sun came out, the tradewind clocked a few degrees to the east and conditions improved for the last two heats. The storyline of the day was the hope for a retirement fairy-tale for Joel Parkinson. He egged the exit of the first real Pipe wave of the day then souled out of a follow-up.
The final heat featured Michael Rodrigues, who bore no obvious facial disfigurement from his fracas with Tanner Hendickson vs Patty G and Willian Cardoso. A challenge to the security guards is how Ross Williams so delicately but accurately phrased it.
M-Rod stiff legged his way into a legit Backdoor nug for the highest score of the heat and backed it up enough to take an easy win. In the presser he looked relieved and ecstatic. He said he “had no words for my feelings right now”, but notably thanked his Hawaiian support team.
I can only imagine a testy Tanner Hendrickson watching and storming around his living room muttering “Fuck you, fuck you!”
#CarnMedina.
Billabong Pipe Masters Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 12.00, Kelly Slater (USA) 11.43, Frederico Morais (PRT) 4.47
Heat 2: Yago Dora (BRA) 9.83, Owen Wright (AUS) 9.60, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 2.00
Heat 3: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.30, Joan Duru (FRA) 11.67, Keanu Asing (HAW) 5.66
Heat 4: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 6.03, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 5.04, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 4.93
Heat 5: Julian Wilson (AUS) 8.07, Tomas Hermes (BRA) 6.40, Seth Moniz (HAW) 4.57
Heat 6: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.16, Benji Brand (HAW) 9.97, Connor O’Leary (AUS) 9.67
Heat 7: Griffin Colapinto (USA) 7.07, Ryan Callinan (AUS) 6.77, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 4.50
Heat 8: Michael February (ZAF) 6.30, Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 6.10, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 4.03
Heat 9: Michel Bourez (PYF) 12.03, Ian Gouveia (BRA) 12.00, Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 10.90
Heat 10: Conner Coffin (USA) 15.07, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 14.00, Jesse Mendes (BRA) 9.20
Heat 11: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 11.23, Kolohe Andino (USA) 8.10, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 5.13
Heat 12: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 11.44, Patrick Gudauskas (USA) 7.60, Willian Cardoso (BRA) 5.04
Billabong Pipe Masters Round 2 Matchups:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Benji Brand (HAW)
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Seth Moniz (HAW)
Heat 3: Wade Carmichael (AUS) vs. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
Heat 4: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Keanu Asing (HAW)
Heat 5: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 6: Willian Cardoso (BRA) vs. Kelly Slater (USA)
Heat 7: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 8: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Ian Gouveia (BRA)
Heat 9: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA)
Heat 10: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Patrick Gudauskas (USA)
Heat 11: Frederico Morais (PRT) vs. Connor O’Leary (AUS)
Heat 12: Joan Duru (FRA) vs. Tomas Hermes (BRA)
#medina you fucking soft prick. Sold out sycophantic journalism at its worst. Hopefully you get your dream job at womans weekly nek year
Cull it to top 20 with 4 wildcards and stop running events in shitty conditions. I’d be happy to pay $99 a year to watch the best surfers in the best waves. Not the shit u out yesterday
I know.
I’m making a funny dude. All good.
You can’t hash tag carn Medina when he’s an unlikable prick. It just makes you look like selling out to the Brazilian posters who might come here and cry. In the same way I wouldn’t expect anyone to hashtag carn tomic or that other wanker. Or carn lleyton for that matter.
Why not just seed the top 12 straight to round 3 (but call it round 2). Then round 1 is a proper elimination round from the get go. It will save a days surfing and no one can really complain that they are hard done by.
I agree. I put up with the announcers endless prattle to watch the world’s best surfers surf the best waves available. Not wind-blown slop that would send most of us back down the road to Foodland for some misubi and a cuppa’ Joe. C’mon WSL, build a little flexibility into these events. Forget the “Wide World of Sports” camera towers and lame interviews of mumbling contestants and focus on the waves and the quality of those waves.
Is that his name?
Appearance?
I’m sure Longus Thomas (full name) is referring to the casual attitude by the bar staff of the fabulous Miami Hotel just north of Burleigh Heads.
Sponsors not happy having thier young investments continualy getting knocked in the early rounds so they change the rules dumb it down with the hope at least one of thier highly paid heavily invested next gen team makes it through ..weak as fuckin piss cunts
You forgot the rusting wheeless car becoming one with the suburban savannah and the stench of fermenting dog turd ?
I loved Pottz’s “whereabouts” also.
This better be good after shit canning the Barbarian Days guy….
Nek minnut….fuck I wish I could back myself even just 1/10th of your ability.
not sure whether you are kicking or tickling my nuts but we must be due for another slice of the Dognuts, surely?
Tickling. I do have a few things cooking, but I need to clean my act up. Once bitten twice shy.
That was a horrible day of surfing. How can WSL expect to increase its viewers numbers when the send competitors out in that shit.
WSL is a sinking ship on their current model. No one is going to subscribe to pay per view model when that is what we get served. As soon as Natasha Ziff gets “bored” of surfing the WSL is fucked. Dirk only bought the WSL because his wife fell in love with surfing. She even flys her personal surf instructor everywhere with her. Surely she watches today and just cringes at how much money her husband is wasting on her. Some guys will do anything for a root though!!
Sometimes I don’t mind watching the experts in shit.
I’m with ya Bex. I’ve watched Medina’s oop-to-rote combo twenty times already.
And the back twist to barrell
I’d be at the chiropractors
As much as I wanted him to choke I also want him to bury them all.
He’s looking unfuckenbeatable. The best there today by miles.
I don’t wanna jinx him
As if I could
But yeah
High class effort!
ever attempted one?
What about the almost-make after? It blew my mind. Unfeasible height!
The name ‘pipe masters’ should be trademarked and protected like Swiss in watches.
Today should have been the ‘North Bondi in a Howling Southerly Masters’
I watched all day and felt good about it. Granted it rained an inch sideways w/ 25 knot southerlies (bad) here…
Yeah one day of shit is ok
Hope it gets better
I’d reckon that the majority of surf fans would support Longtom’s proposal to stage what is usually the final showdown in mind:blowing, , reef-spitting, eye-bugging tubular cathedrals of north Pacific brine!
After all, the natural wonder of the waves & the incredible skill of the surfing athletes is what sets this sport apart,
and in our opinion, what makes it unmatched in sporting performances & achievements on the planet!
but thats what the QS is for
They do have this thing called a waiting period. It’s not like they have all year to run it. Not really sure what their supposed to do about that.
Restructure the comp into regional zones, run it similar to the big wave tour. Pipe was pumping last week and every single pro was on the North shore . Run it when there is waves
What.. call it off when the waves finally get good?
Take an axe to rounds 1-3 for a start.
And don’t get me started on next year’s nonsense format.
It’s like letting my 3 year old plan what’s for dinner. Insanity.
Doritos and cookies?
Devastatingly efficient report.
M-Rod gets beat and advances to round three in an historical first that the WSL fails to note.
It’s like LT-ollapolooza around here! Which is very good.
Should they not have run a few round two heats at the end? It wasn’t very entertaining, but non elimination rarely is!
Nah surf looked like it was getting better. Kierron Perrow called it off so he could go out and get the best waves of the day.
No way we want Felipe v Benji Brand to be the first heat Sunday morning. See what Toledo is made of.