Derek Hynd: “Lust in the history of mankind has always conquered logic!”

Have you ever lost an eye then been molested?

David Lee Scales has interviewed very many people in surf. He has interviewed Derek Rielly, Devon Howard and me amongst hundreds of others. Possibly thousands of others. I was so impressed with his talent that I became his partner on the sometimes bi-weekly podcast Grit!.

Another episode drops tomorrow featuring the wonderful Devon (fucking) Howard and you’d think that either Derek Rielly, Devon Howard or me would be the greatest interview of David Lee Scales’ young life but none of us are.

The Australian impresario* Derek Hynd is.

Do you not know of Derek Hynd?

The historical impresario* Matt Warshaw describes him thusly:

Bright, quirky Australian pro surfer and journalist from Newport, New South Wales; world-ranked #7 in 1981; author of hundreds of surf media articles and columns between the early ’80s and the early ’10s.

Ben Marcus, a one-time surf writer, freaks out, literally, when anyone is compared to him. Like, loses his mind but literally not figuratively.

David Lee Scales, the podcast impresario*, says, “This is perhaps the greatest 20 minutes of audio I’ve ever captured.”

Should I have my feeling hurts? Probably but I’ve also never lost an eye before getting sexually fiddled with while it was getting put back in.

I think you should listen.

 

*Impresario is defined as “A person who organizes and often finances concerts, plays, or operas.” None of these people do that, as far as I’m aware, but don’t you like the way impresario feels? It has gravitas.

Don’t you think?


albee layer
Albee busts the door off its hinges at Jaws! | Photo: @live.fast.die.old

Albee Layer’s New Year Resolutions: “Go to flight school. Stay under 200 pounds. Get fined twice as much from the WSL!”

King of Jaws and king of spin's ambitious behavioural modifications… 

Don’t you love an active uncensored mouth? The Maui surfer Albee Layer, who is twenty-seven, and as well-known for his tell-it-like-it-is spirit as much as his big-wave and small-wave prowess, just released a portfolio of New Year resolutions.

From the top: Flip a bike, party a little less, stay under 200 pounds, quit dipping, proper back 9, front 7, go to flight school while injured, get a wave I’ll never forget at Jaws, get budget approved to start shooting a new movie in 2020, be a little more social and nice, help more people I’m not close to, get fined twice as much from the WSL.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsJH5j2F8ZI/

Did you resolve to change your behaviour in 2019?

Mine are less grand than Albee’s although very important to me: Stop with the mirror work (turn mirror that faces shower around), stay in the pocket of waves, at least once feel my back foot on the tail-pad’s block, ride boards that don’t resemble, quite so much, the blunt instruments of the adult learner, save up for a Pyzel Ghost, create a revenue stream for BeachGrit so we can keep Longtom’s contest reports, and ride the Waco pool once the filters have been installed.


Man Strikes Back: Foilboarding wakesurfer decapitates shark!

I lance thee in thy head for my fair love!

Would you like to know my very first thought after surfing Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch? It was, “And the wakesurfers shall inherit the earth…” because, in the end, Surf Ranch is just a glorified wake surf, with the “train” substituting for a boat. A local wakeboarder who had never surfed an ocean wave in his life was apparently the best Surf Rancher of all and that was all I needed to know.

The wakesurfers shall inherit the earth.

And yesterday I saw incredible footage of a foilboarding wakesurfer taking his guillotine into the ocean and reigning terror on sharks.

A decapitation!

And here we see the moment of impact.
And here we see the moment of impact.

We see a man, holding on to a long pole shooting perpendicular from a boat and moving very quickly through the water. All of a sudden its as if the wheels come off and he tumbles head over heels. When the clip is slowed we see a shark swimming there, catching the foil straight in the head, dislodging man who tumbles head over heels.

The video was posted on 2018 World Wakesurf Champ John Akerman’s Instagram account and I messaged him straight away, “John… I saw your amazing story vid where you take out shark/shark takes out you. Was it satisfying?”

He responded quickly, “Haha brah I can’t take credit for this foil joust One day I will feel this sensation but for now it was so satisfying I had to repost.”

It instantly made me wonder, are foilboarding wakesurfers the answer to Australia’s shark attack problem? Brave men and women dressed in suits of armor featuring prominent fleur de lis out jousting sharks beyond the lineup? Oh they could earn such fantastic names, “Tueur de Requin” or “Baiseur de Requin” and parade through the streets of Byron after their day’s work, dragging shark heads on a rope, being showered with rose petals from balconies.

They could joust for the love of a fair maiden, or handsome squire and tuck mementos into breastplates. Like a dainty handkerchief or Tinder profile.

Or do you think this would make conservationists angry?


Question: What is your post-surf cleansing and grooming routine?

Do you hate the ocean upon your body?

It is a serious question, one that I ponder regularly though not in an overtly sexual way. And what is your post-surf cleansing routine? I ask because I just watched a little YouTube advertisement featuring professional surfer Sage Erickson in the shower (below). Oh not in an overtly sexual way either, of course, but scrubbing with a new bath product called Art of Sport which is being marketed toward athletes or those who consider themselves athletic.

We know surfers are neither and Sage lathers up after boxing, apparently, but what do you do after surfing?

Are you one of those sorts that cannot wait to rinse ocean salts and/or wetsuit urine from your skin? Do you vigorously soap and shampoo? And if you shampoo to you also condition, blow-dry and apply gel or a clay-based hair product?

Do you bring a rinse kit down to the beach and drown those ocean salts and/or wetsuit urine right away?

Me?

Oh, I love the feeling of ocean salts and/or wetsuit urine and never rinse after a surf and also never shower. I will continue to not shower too, imagining that the natural minerals form a protective barrier against odor.

I don’t think the Art of Sport will sponsor me but should they sponsor you?


Revealed: Gabriel Medina’s New Year’s Eve was better than yours!

Would you like to move to Brazil and become a surfing champion?

Now, what did you do last night? Were you invited onto the Mad Hueys super yacht, ringing in the new year with champagne and DJ Paul Fisher beats? Did you opt for something a little more peaceful, maybe a bubble bath at home and the new Netflix film Dumplin’ where an overweight girl learns to love herself though the kindness and homespun wisdom of drag queens?

Whatever you did it was not as good as what 2018 World Surf League World Champion Gabriel Medina did and let’s observe the above photo together.

There we see Medina, Brazilian soccer superstar Neymar Jr. and I’m assuming another standout quite possibly from the world of BJJ or capoeira standing behind row after row after row of beautiful women dressed in all in white.

Medina captions the image cryptically. “Happy New Year everyone (smiley face emoji)”

What do you think it was all about?

A) A thankful nation offering up its most beautiful daughters to the sporting greats.

B) Day one of taping Brazil’s Bachelor.

C) A ritualistic sacrifice.

D) Pre-festival get together.

E) Other.

I’m dying to know.