albee layer
Albee busts the door off its hinges at Jaws! | Photo: @live.fast.die.old

Albee Layer’s New Year Resolutions: “Go to flight school. Stay under 200 pounds. Get fined twice as much from the WSL!”

Derek Rielly

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King of Jaws and king of spin's ambitious behavioural modifications… 

Don’t you love an active uncensored mouth? The Maui surfer Albee Layer, who is twenty-seven, and as well-known for his tell-it-like-it-is spirit as much as his big-wave and small-wave prowess, just released a portfolio of New Year resolutions.

From the top: Flip a bike, party a little less, stay under 200 pounds, quit dipping, proper back 9, front 7, go to flight school while injured, get a wave I’ll never forget at Jaws, get budget approved to start shooting a new movie in 2020, be a little more social and nice, help more people I’m not close to, get fined twice as much from the WSL.

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New year… same me

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Did you resolve to change your behaviour in 2019?

Mine are less grand than Albee’s although very important to me: Stop with the mirror work (turn mirror that faces shower around), stay in the pocket of waves, at least once feel my back foot on the tail-pad’s block, ride boards that don’t resemble, quite so much, the blunt instruments of the adult learner, save up for a Pyzel Ghost, create a revenue stream for BeachGrit so we can keep Longtom’s contest reports, and ride the Waco pool once the filters have been installed.

Man Strikes Back: Foilboarding wakesurfer decapitates shark!

Chas Smith

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I lance thee in thy head for my fair love!

Would you like to know my very first thought after surfing Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch? It was, “And the wakesurfers shall inherit the earth…” because, in the end, Surf Ranch is just a glorified wake surf, with the “train” substituting for a boat. A local wakeboarder who had never surfed an ocean wave in his life was apparently the best Surf Rancher of all and that was all I needed to know.

The wakesurfers shall inherit the earth.

And yesterday I saw incredible footage of a foilboarding wakesurfer taking his guillotine into the ocean and reigning terror on sharks.

A decapitation!

And here we see the moment of impact.
And here we see the moment of impact.

We see a man, holding on to a long pole shooting perpendicular from a boat and moving very quickly through the water. All of a sudden its as if the wheels come off and he tumbles head over heels. When the clip is slowed we see a shark swimming there, catching the foil straight in the head, dislodging man who tumbles head over heels.

The video was posted on 2018 World Wakesurf Champ John Akerman’s Instagram account and I messaged him straight away, “John… I saw your amazing story vid where you take out shark/shark takes out you. Was it satisfying?”

He responded quickly, “Haha brah I can’t take credit for this foil joust One day I will feel this sensation but for now it was so satisfying I had to repost.”

It instantly made me wonder, are foilboarding wakesurfers the answer to Australia’s shark attack problem? Brave men and women dressed in suits of armor featuring prominent fleur de lis out jousting sharks beyond the lineup? Oh they could earn such fantastic names, “Tueur de Requin” or “Baiseur de Requin” and parade through the streets of Byron after their day’s work, dragging shark heads on a rope, being showered with rose petals from balconies.

They could joust for the love of a fair maiden, or handsome squire and tuck mementos into breastplates. Like a dainty handkerchief or Tinder profile.

Or do you think this would make conservationists angry?

Question: What is your post-surf cleansing and grooming routine?

Chas Smith

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Do you hate the ocean upon your body?

It is a serious question, one that I ponder regularly though not in an overtly sexual way. And what is your post-surf cleansing routine? I ask because I just watched a little YouTube advertisement featuring professional surfer Sage Erickson in the shower (below). Oh not in an overtly sexual way either, of course, but scrubbing with a new bath product called Art of Sport which is being marketed toward athletes or those who consider themselves athletic.

We know surfers are neither and Sage lathers up after boxing, apparently, but what do you do after surfing?

Are you one of those sorts that cannot wait to rinse ocean salts and/or wetsuit urine from your skin? Do you vigorously soap and shampoo? And if you shampoo to you also condition, blow-dry and apply gel or a clay-based hair product?

Do you bring a rinse kit down to the beach and drown those ocean salts and/or wetsuit urine right away?

Me?

Oh, I love the feeling of ocean salts and/or wetsuit urine and never rinse after a surf and also never shower. I will continue to not shower too, imagining that the natural minerals form a protective barrier against odor.

I don’t think the Art of Sport will sponsor me but should they sponsor you?

Revealed: Gabriel Medina’s New Year’s Eve was better than yours!

Chas Smith

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Would you like to move to Brazil and become a surfing champion?

Now, what did you do last night? Were you invited onto the Mad Hueys super yacht, ringing in the new year with champagne and DJ Paul Fisher beats? Did you opt for something a little more peaceful, maybe a bubble bath at home and the new Netflix film Dumplin’ where an overweight girl learns to love herself though the kindness and homespun wisdom of drag queens?

Whatever you did it was not as good as what 2018 World Surf League World Champion Gabriel Medina did and let’s observe the above photo together.

There we see Medina, Brazilian soccer superstar Neymar Jr. and I’m assuming another standout quite possibly from the world of BJJ or capoeira standing behind row after row after row of beautiful women dressed in all in white.

Medina captions the image cryptically. “Happy New Year everyone (smiley face emoji)”

What do you think it was all about?

A) A thankful nation offering up its most beautiful daughters to the sporting greats.

B) Day one of taping Brazil’s Bachelor.

C) A ritualistic sacrifice.

D) Pre-festival get together.

E) Other.

I’m dying to know.

Our new, brave leader points the way to a brighter future!
Our new, brave leader points the way to a brighter future!

Turning point: WSL President of Content, Media and Studios Erik Logan listens to The People!

Chas Smith

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Hope reigns supreme!

Today is the day that the World Surf League’s President of Content, Media and WSL Studios sheds the “elect” and takes the public-facing reins of professional surfing. Since his appointment, some months ago, we have thrilled at each pronouncement, every press release and especially the Instagram posts from @elo_eriklogan, a robust look into the life of our leader.

And it was on Instagram yesterday, New Year’s Eve, when celebrations around the globe mark a turning of the page, that Mr. President loosed the greatest work yet. A heartwarming piece of insight.

He listens to The People!

He cares what we think!

Can you believe? It is like a fantasy, a boyhood dream but here, I’ll show you.

@jcbcrz wrote, “@Beach_Grit (Oh that’s our nasty account filled to overflowing with social justice warriors and extra amped adult learners. Stay far far away.) is hating on you hard… let’s call it constructive criticism from your peers. My advice for success at your new position in the WSL, watch some ASP content from the early 2000s. Surfing was like F1 back then… as in badass.”

Mr. President responded immediately, “@jcbcrz Jacob, thank you for the note. 100% will be looking and have been for some time now. Also a LOT of reading… excited for what’s ahead. Happy New Year to you…

Isn’t that beautiful? Doesn’t it make you feel?

Oh, I know that many if not most of you doubt. You think that Erik Logan is an adult learning SUPper from the Oprah Network with an entourage of photographers and severe lack of shame and you are right. He is all of those things but he also listens and that is a first in the World Surf League era.

Ex-CEO Paul Speaker couldn’t be bothered, imagining millions of potential new fans and actively marginalizing existing ones. The great “Backward Fin” Beth refused to understand the joke. Current CEO Sophie Goldschmidt attempted to listen but, during media day at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch her eyes were beyond glazed and I’m sure for good reason. Who could stand the incessant prattle of Vaughn Blakey, Nick Carroll, Derek Rielly, Chas Smith etc.? She came to us from professional tennis, if you recall, and I’d imagine her trying to listen to surf talk from surf journalists would be like any one of us attending Merfest and getting hammered with the most efficient way to dry a tail.

Plus, the media is only part of her purview but it is all of Mr. President Erik Logan’s and I cannot wait for our first sit down. Our first face-to-face. It’s why I haven’t driven up to chilly Manhattan Beach and accosted him in his extraordinary Power Wheels. Because I believe. I believe he cares about us and won’t shirk from a proper, through-the-front-door interview.

Might I be wrong? Might he continue to bastardize our favorite water pastime besides sailing in a series of tone deaf moves while actively and aggressively marginalizing grumpy locals? Maybe but there are signs that he is different. He never blocked me or Beach_Grit (that cursed place) on Instagram, for example. It took Street Fightin’ Man Ashton Goggans 4 minutes, literally 4 minutes, to block when I tagged him in a photo the other day. Plus he listens. He really, truly listens.

And if I am wrong? Well, I’ve got two scalps on my belt (Speaker + Backward) and a third would be welcome.

Photo: Jack English
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