I lance thee in thy head for my fair love!
Would you like to know my very first thought after surfing Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch? It was, “And the wakesurfers shall inherit the earth…” because, in the end, Surf Ranch is just a glorified wake surf, with the “train” substituting for a boat. A local wakeboarder who had never surfed an ocean wave in his life was apparently the best Surf Rancher of all and that was all I needed to know.
The wakesurfers shall inherit the earth.
And yesterday I saw incredible footage of a foilboarding wakesurfer taking his guillotine into the ocean and reigning terror on sharks.
We see a man, holding on to a long pole shooting perpendicular from a boat and moving very quickly through the water. All of a sudden its as if the wheels come off and he tumbles head over heels. When the clip is slowed we see a shark swimming there, catching the foil straight in the head, dislodging man who tumbles head over heels.
The video was posted on 2018 World Wakesurf Champ John Akerman’s Instagram account and I messaged him straight away, “John… I saw your amazing story vid where you take out shark/shark takes out you. Was it satisfying?”
He responded quickly, “Haha brah I can’t take credit for this foil joust One day I will feel this sensation but for now it was so satisfying I had to repost.”
It instantly made me wonder, are foilboarding wakesurfers the answer to Australia’s shark attack problem? Brave men and women dressed in suits of armor featuring prominent fleur de lis out jousting sharks beyond the lineup? Oh they could earn such fantastic names, “Tueur de Requin” or “Baiseur de Requin” and parade through the streets of Byron after their day’s work, dragging shark heads on a rope, being showered with rose petals from balconies.
They could joust for the love of a fair maiden, or handsome squire and tuck mementos into breastplates. Like a dainty handkerchief or Tinder profile.
Or do you think this would make conservationists angry?