Not one month ago I was shocked to discover that BeachGrit‘s Instagram account, our only real social media, was actually a sleeper cell of easily triggered social justice warriors. I had assumed, I suppose, that BeachGrit had a certain voice that attracted a certain derelict and that this derelict man, woman, child understood that surfing is best when it’s dirty. You can imagine my surprise, then, when not one month ago I posted a screen grab from the cult classic Surf Nazis Must Die featuring a girl wearing a swastika tattoo on our Instagram and was lit up with “Unfollow!” “Uncool!” “This symbol is NOT cool!” Etc.
Ooooee the hell fire rained hot!
@mrbluesky11 summed it up best:
The average surfer is a possessive cunt. They surf better, they are the coolest, ‘only locals culture’. You know what fuck you. Maybe you’ve been lucky enough to live by a good spot and your father, or your circle of friends, were surfing so you got into it. Fine! clap clap! That doesn’t make you special you cunt (to you average surfer). Other people discover it later in age and get hooked too. Where’s the sin? Aren’t we living in a free world? The average surfer is a cunt, buy a piece of ocean, you cunt, and surf all the waves you want, cunt. But don’t give me the look if i get in the water in a foreign spot which is your local one, smile instead, try to know me instead of acting like a dork. We may enjoy a beer later and have a laugh.
But there are tens, maybe even hundreds by now, of similar posts, declaring the joys, passions, stoke of adult learning and casting very mean stares for daring suggest people, especially adults, should not start.
My retort? I give you a wonderful gift, dear adult learner. The gift of harassment. For if you are not vibed, yelled at, vibed some more, vibed again, made fun of, mocked, snaked, mocked again, vibed, sprayed, mocked then you will never ever ever know the true joys of surfing.
From the get-rich-or-get-poor-trying dept: Your BeachGrit approved betting slip for the Pipe Masters!
Gabriel, Julian to win; SeaBass and Ian Gouveia to surprise, says former WCT surfer and Fantasy Surfer winner Blake Thornton…
The Pipe trials are live in a junky north swell.
That’ll wrap in a day, just in time for a six-to-eight-foot north swell for the main event.
WSL commish says they’ll milk its tits and finish Monday.
You’ll remember our pledge three months ago to turn five c-notes into many thousands of dollars via surf gambling in the back half of the WCT season. With a $500 deposit and the advice of former WCT surfer and 2015 Fantasy Surfer champion Blake Thornton, BeachGrit planned to beat hell out of Australia’s betting agencies.
The gambling angle appeals because: All the odds for WCT events are set by non-surfers using statistics and nothing else. There is no insider trading, no quarter given to the surf forecast, no nod to a surfer’s affinity with a particular wave.
So who we going to throw our shekels at?
“First, a juicy multi,” says Blake. “The forecast means, typically, better Backdoor and at the size it’s forecast, it’s going to be pretty perfect and running. So I’m basing my bets around that.”
Round one multi #1:Pat Gudauskas into SeaBass into Jeremy Flores into Owen Wright. Bet: $50. Payoff: $787
Reason: “Pat needs a result and he’s the strongest out of the three in his heat. Pat’s a better barrel rider than Willy Cardoso and Michael Rodrigues. Sea Bass is a machine out there. He’s got Kanoa Igarashi, who’s great, but in a barrel riding contest out there, he should get the nod. Jeremy Flores, for obvious reasons: a former Pipe Master, amazing barrel rider. As for Owen (against Keanu Asing and Yago Dora), all of the stuff I’ve been seeing from Pipe is of Owen. And we all know how good his backhand is. Maybe there’s a mental barrier there after everything he went though but he is looking comfortable.”
Round one multi #2:Jordy into Kelly into Joan Duru into Joel Parkinson. Bet: $50. Payoff:
Reason: “Jordy is the strongest at Backdoor against Morais and Pupo. No reason needed for Kelly and Joan is unassumingly strong in barrels. Joel? There’s going to be a fairytale finish to his career, yeah?
$50 on Julian Wilson at $7.50: Former Pipe champ. Wants a title so bad it hurts.
$50 on Gabriel Medina at $4.75: “Amazing on his forehand and backhand and he rises on big occasions. It’s all in front of him to capture.”
$50 on Jeremy Flores at $21: “A former champ who’s patient and knows the joint. The only thing I can see hurting him is if it’s inconsistent.”
$20 on Sea Bass at $21: “Everyone knows how good he surfs. It’s a matter of him surfing smart heats and not making dumb decisions. Definitely a potential winner.”
$50 on Joan Duru at $67: “This is a juicy one. He’s a phenomenal barrel rider and a standout whenever Le Grab is pumping. No one had him in the mix at Sunset at Sunset and he finished third.”
$50 on Kelly Slater at $13: “Obviously a threat.”
$20 on Ian Gouveia at $67: “Bloody Ian Gouveia! If we’re going to throw money around, and we might as well ’cause it’s the last event of the season, he’s an amazing barrel rider and I don’t see the forecast delivering anything but six-to-eight-foot barrels.”
At least we still have each other. And Wagner Lima.
Yesterday was a violent day in our surf world and it made me so wistful, so teary-eye’d and thankful for they are very rare now. Almost extinct. And I was thinking about this as I drove north to the Surfrider Foundation offices in piquant San Clemente on the very same morning to talk with Surf Splendor’s David Lee Scales.
Derek Rielly had forwarded me yet another The Inertia-style website over the weekend and with the combination of that, all those other ones, the actual The Inertia and the World Surf League’s forward facing image being that of an elf-costume wearing SUP riding adult learner made me wonder if finally, after all these years, surf culture is crumbling to nothing. Finally shedding any last trace of rebellion, angst, exclusivity and… cool.
Oh I know that it is trendy to think surfing isn’t “cool” and maybe never was, that surf culture is just a silly, unnecessary appendage to the act of surfing itself, but I’ve always disagreed. As a backward Oregon youth I loved to surf so very much but also needed the culture. Tom Curren and Gotcha ads defined my parameters and without them, without the VHS tapes and magazines, surf shops and surf brands I would have drowned in a sea of redneck.
Surf culture floated my dreams and still does. I put the question forward to David Lee, anyhow, the very minute I pushed through Surfrider’s doors. “Is this the actual end? Does the adult learner x World Surf League axis bring surf culture to its knees? Is this the real apocalypse?”
The WSL, whom we must picture as adult learners in surf hats and elf suits, threw the book at Tanner, pulling his entry from the Pipe trials where he was slotted into heat four against Mason Ho.
From the WSL’s website:
BANZAI PIPELINE, Oahu/Hawaii (Tuesday, December 11, 2018) – The WSL has provisionally suspended Tanner Hendrickson from all competition until a full investigation can be completed following an incident involving Championship Tour athlete Michael Rodrigues. Hendrickson has been removed from the Pipe Trials draw.