Necessarily cruel.
The start of January brings an intoxicating optimism
manifested in the forms of both hope, that what’s going to
happen can only be better than last year, and delusion, that
somehow you can become a better individual/performer (without ever
doing the necessary hard things that it requires).
Yeah, fuck that shit.
What we really care about at the start of the year is
the analysis of our favourite surfers, discussions of
their strengths and weaknesses, while making predictions for how
they will perform in the upcoming year.
Thing is, the Tour doesn’t start ‘til fucking April!
That’s way too far away to have to get a gauge for how Tour
surfers will perform (lots more data to come in), so how about
we sling a little sugar, and salt, into the faces of
BeachGrit’s roster of writers.
Chas Smith
Strengths: Like the fabled Jesus Christ character who was
able to turn water into wine, Chas has the divine ability to turn a
shitty story into multiple shittier, but funnier stories, that
enliven The People™ in addition to his powers of making Kelly mad
and collecting executive scalps.
Weaknesses: While everyone can appreciate his ability
to factory produce stories out of nothing (it keeps me coming back
to BG, which I would forget about if not for the daily stream of
content-adjacent clickables), his performance can be impacted
negatively by his other projects (his best work, non-Ashton neck
wringing, happened after the release of his book, buy here, free shipping
etc). Also, he’s gaffe prone.
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: Taj Burrow 2010
– Like this iteration of Taj Burrow, Chas no longer has any real
expectation of validation and/or attainment of a pinnacle
achievement (Taj a World Title, Chas a Pulitzer for writing about
surfing). Nothing left to prove and no urgency to strive. Like Taj,
still enjoyable and can make our day.
JP Currie
Strengths: Not being afraid to be a savage when the
situation demands it.
Weaknesses: One major, I mean MAJOR, weakness of JP’s
would be his inability to live up to or lean into the stereotype of
the frugal Scotsman, played up by the country’s most famous
citizen, the one and only Scrooge McDuck, who would have scolded
him over his over-litred, hidden surfboards. Stories of a savagely
and noble Glaswegian miser could warm the hearts of even the most
hardened grumpy local. Oh, and his gambling stories are meh.
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: Jake Paterson
1999 – Finishing ninth in the world the previous year, Snake
finished 19990 12th and solidified his status as a non-title
contender; an above-average tour performer worthy of sporadic
attention.
Derek Rielly
Strengths: Major strengths of Derek include his insatiably
dirty mind and sexy turn of phrase, as well as the ability to glean
information from Matt Warshaw.
Weaknesses: He barely writes anything outside the
blurbs that accompany the unispiring, non-re-watchable visual
discharge put out by surfers and their crappy filmers placed on the
site lately. Also, he sometimes overuses phrases of his design to
the point of them becoming cliché (Re: “Dick in the guts!” or
“Honeymoon dick!”).
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: Andy Irons 2008
– The year will be spent dealing with other important things (e.g.
doing drugs and/or writing a book). Pre-occupied with completing
his latest book, Derek will be continue his bromidic work, video
blurbs and Warshaw interviews with innuendo fluffer for BG which no
longer elicits excitement for him. Possibility exists for a no-show
in France!
David Lee Scales
Strengths: While not a major contributor to
BeachGrit in written
form, David Lee Scales remains a notable contributor to
BeachGrit
through his podcast show called The Grit, in which he gives Chas a
platform to talk about whatever it is he wants to in a run-on
speaking format. That is his greatest strength, letting Chas talk,
generally sticking to a defined set of topics that don’t get out of
control on different tangents for too long.
Weaknesses: Like any surfer with a wonky style that
detracts from his performance, David Lee’s voice, that high-pitched
and monotonous So-Cal surf bro accent that makes the speaker’s
perceived IQ drop 20-30 points, can make some of his interviews
unbearable to non-native Californian ears. This glaring weakness is
unlikely to be improved upon, though, so, well, that’s that.
Another major weakness of his is his insistence to talk about his
ideas about masculinity and fighting. We all know you’ve never been
in a real fight in your whole life so just stop. Also, his cloying
earnestness warrants demerits.
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: Tiago Pires 2011
– Clearly not the best surfer in the world (or surf personality in
David’s case), Tiago often found himself at the bottom of the
ratings and outside qualification from ‘CT results alone after
uninspiring performances caused by a lack of elite skill only
served to highlight others’ performances. Despite his deficiencies,
some people respect Tiago, his game and determination, that they
become fans and root for his success. Similarly, people seem to
respect DLS and want him to do well. While he doesn’t have a column
or regular writing presence on the site (‘CT equivalent), we expect
him to back himself up with performances on the ‘QS (Surf Splendor
Podcast Network), “interviewing” Chas (letting Chas talk in circles
and grind himself into a stupor), to stick around and remain
relevant to us at BeachGrit.
Travis Ferre
Strengths: He knows Dane Reynolds.
Weaknesses: While he has access to surfing’s El Dorado,
Dane Reynolds, and he never misses an opportunity to tell everyone,
Trav is never able to make it help any of his
seven-month-beyond-relevancy opinions (like about wave pools… San
Fran, brah) or personal
I’m-superior-cause-see-I-know-some-guys-ooh-I’m-so-core
anecdotes/stories seem the least bit interesting or compelling
enough to read and extract joy. Having said that, I guess I can
admit that What Youth has some cool photos.
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: Keanu Asing 2019
– Wishful thinking, but we can hope he doesn’t somehow requalify
for next, or any, year (… motherfucker has a blurb on
Meet the Writers).
Jen See
Strengths: Major proficiencies of Jen’s include, being
able to establish the setting in a work, particularly through
appealing physical descriptions of place and people; experimenting
with The Inertia
style while disavowing it completely, pre-emptively nullifying
criticism pertaining to being so; her concision; her ability to not
be Tara Ruttenberg (yes, I
am being lazy and sexist comparing her to another female purely
just because she is female. She’s not a militant dropper-inner like
Tara, though, which can only be a plus).
Weaknesses: Too many of her posts produce an “oh, neat”
reaction that people sometimes overinflate. Also, she uses words
like “totes” too much. Blech.
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: Shea Lopez 2001
– Not a World Title contender, but a unique style and soft judging
keep him relevant.
Longtom
Strengths: Strengths of ol Longtom are varied and help him
to produce a nuanced insight into professional surfing and its
happenings as viewed through the Tour including: his knowledge of
Russian literature; his ability to comfortably relay scattered,
underdeveloped thoughts about or from other intellectual figures at
a rudimentary level thereby making the reader feel smart for
participating; his ability to convey his everyman persona,
evidenced by his talking about driving a bus and fishing.
Weaknesses: In coming up with a weakness (other than
being ginger) for our dear Longtom, my mind kept coming back to a
quote from Billy Shakes, who writes, “Drink sir, is a great
provoker of three things… nose painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery,
sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire but takes
away the performance.” Same goes for using/relying on Nietzsche
references… sorry, Stevie.
WCT Equivalent Performance Prediction: ADS 2016 –
During a banner year last year in which he claimed the
Non-Officially Sanctioned Best Surf Journalist in the World Title,
climbing to the summit of the “profession,” (lol getting paid a
living wage) Longtom dominated 2018 with his Tour coverage
consisting of unparalleled contest wraps, in addition to writing
some of the best board reviews seen on the site (Sorry Nick, we like normal
shortboards that people actually ride).
After such a huge year, and with so much effort expended to
write about places like Margs and Portugal, we expect to see some
regression. Too much energy, not to mention spousal goodwill and
money, is needed to scale the peak again.
