Where has the consensus number 1 gone?
Imagine that you are Ron “dog” Blakey with me for a moment. Imagine that you just woke up in your Byron* home, put on the kettle to make some coffee. Everything around you is clean and modern. Subtle elegance. Stainless steel where it’s appropriate. Eggshell subway tile where it isn’t. The kettle whistles, you pour over your Chemex, crafting a mug of perfect second wave. Ahhhh. The taste of… dare you say success?
Oh of course you dare. Throughout this last World Surf League Championship Tour season you became the consensus best commentator on the World Surf League airwaves. Peter Mel never quite reached his potential. Ross Williams went away. It was revealed months ago that Martin Potter has actually been dead for a year and a half.
Joe Turpel.
Your golden baritone, touched with broad Australian charm, has become the standard. The stainless steel standard.
You take another sip of coffee, flip open your Apple MacBook Pro’s lid and log onto [email protected] (password: Attackdogtits36).
Email, email, email, press release from the World Surf League that you haven’t seen before. Something about an upcoming Nazaré Challenge and Jaws Challenge.
You click and read…
“Longtime WSL play-by-play announcer Joe Turpel and former World Champion Martin Potter call the action from some of the most remote and exotic surfing locations in the world. Rosy Hodge (former Championship Tour competitor) and Strider Wasliewski serve as commentators reporting from the water. In addition, Ross Williams and Big Wave Champion Peter Mel round out the commentary team.”
Wait. Something’s not right. Something is clearly wrong. You read again except the same problem sits there like terminal cancer.
Your name is gone.
Evaporated.
You throw your Chemex against the nearest wall, shattering it into a million pieces. The shards fall into the grout between the eggshell subway tiles and you curse the universe. You told her wife that everything should be stainless steel. You told her that cleaning glass shards, spilled rice and quinoa from between the tiles would be a total pain. Why didn’t she listen? Why doesn’t anybody just listen for pity’s sake?
End scene.
Where did Ron Blakey go?
Why isn’t he included?
Fired?
Made redundant?
Quit?
Coaching John John?
Sad that even though he rules the WSL airwaves his brother Vaughn is better at calling live surf action?
More to come!
*I don’t know where the Ronald Blakey’s actually live. They might live in Byron but they might also live in Lemoore. Who’s to say?
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Ron Blakey is the best surf announcer who ever hosted a surf league contest a total legend and great human being has a voice perfect for it manly, gnarly good looking dude as well ,now we have a girl who has a lovely voice but sorry but never heard of her or saw her surf before nothing wrong with her but we need someone like blakey hes a professional no one better at hosting surfing comps than “Blakey” bring him back Joe turpel is great to
Oh, you’re good. Tho in all fairness, Pottz must have cost a small fortune to feed and water.
BUT WHAT ABOUT GIGS CELLIORS?!?!
Range Rover you philistine. Land Rovers are turned around at Mosman Bridge.
Well the tomahawk steak is $170.
Does your high office give you a version of jus primae noctis?
Do you have a big gold mayor’s amulet chain hanging to your belly button and get deep discounts at the butcher?
I don’t think Nick is amused.
over to you pottz.
pottz?
Live in Avalon Beach (AKA Eden), Northern Beaches of Sydney, with a few other pads scattered about, man’s gotta’ leisure after all………
What WSL Do in the Shadows.
the WSL’s dream demographic of inland americans can’t understand his accent i guess?? can we please be one step closer to an pirate radio commentary stream, the Blakeys, Nick Carrol’s of the world. give the people what they want
It’s all over YouTube love for UFC. Any peanut gallery with a lappy can do it
no doubt. i’m suggest an australian surf media types peanut gallery not just random idiots / the guys that are the current commentary team.
I’m confused, which ones are the idiots?
Fuck.
Nick’s not looking too well is he?
No Australians? Pottz and Rosie SA, everyone else USA? Could see Ace Buchan (retiring soon) in the booth soon enough, he holds the company line well. Ron dog will land on his feet and if not he can always contribute some juicy details about WSL here on BG.
Jeez, don’t dump pottz back on us please. He’s proudly un-South African
You can handball him back to the English, he claimed that once right?
The records at the time showed Matrin Potter (UK).
That’s what I’m talking bout. Wtf was that?
Hahaha, ok, dually noted JP.
First they came for Backward Fin Beth and I did not speak out.
Damn, most under-appreciated comment ever! I’m sitting here cackling aloud to myself
Pretty sure 89 world champ Martin Potter got told his chopped over the holidays. Chris Binns was supposed to be taking a seat in the booth .would love to see Binnsy, Blakey bros in the booth.
You’re dreamin’
How about a some of that equality in the booth?
More to the point – so John John has sacked Ross and won’t be on tour in 2019?
The favelas! Ah yes Newport, where poor people drag themselves up by their bootlaces through sheer grit and determination, and where there is a licensed venue with a restaurant that charges $99 for a plate of seafood pasta.
I hear tell that you’re the Mayor of Newport, and locals quail at the sound of your approaching hobnailed bare feet.
*hairy hobbit feet
Tftfy, cb
From where I sit working this very second, I can hear two junkies scream fighting in the street!
They’ll be Instawank-Blogophiles fighting over Likes and Shares.
Oh no CB, I’m not from that side of the tracks. The is the glass is half empty, full of piss, chipped and dirty side.
Salut comrade.
Been there, done that.
Frequently still there in my head.
Pinot Grigio!!
Wait, WSL will be live on FS2, does this mean Facebook deal is dead?
Word is Strider was getting some nasty ‘roids from all that board sitting. They had to bring him back to land and dry out his bung. Strider In Blakey out.
Eventually all will be replaced with Artificial Intelligence.
That’s what they have right now.
Shit Fuck Howdy the WSL ain’t bullshitting us when they say the commentators “call the action from some of the most remote and exotic surfing locations in the world.”
Does it get more remote from surfing than Lemoore?!
Omg don’t remind me of Lemoore I’m still trying to forget!!
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lemoore—
For the rare and radiant village whom the angels name Lemoore—
Nameless here for evermore.