Clubs and leashes being used as weapons on the high street!
Did you ever envision, in your most wild imagination, like after a heavy night of massive drug use where your mind is spinning all sorts of ludicrousness, that surfing would be one of the world’s most popular activities on earth, threatening richly cultured pastimes like golf in jolly old England?
Well, it’s true, though it’s difficult for me to comprehend as well so let us turn to the Telegraph for more. It always tells the truth. It won’t let us down.
Putting greens and fairways from London to Edinburgh are being sized-up for conversion to inland surfing parks by a new breed of non-Pringle wearing entrepreneur.
Advances in computing have – after decades of trying – finally made it possible to create an endless supply of perfect surf waves in inland lakes and dozens are now being planned and built across the world.
The world’s first commercial surf lake was opened by Andy Ainscough, son of the crane hire tycoon Martin Ainscough, in Snowdonia in 2015 and similar facilities are now planned for Bristol, Edinburgh and London over the next few years.
The Wave London wave will be built on the site of a municipal 18 hole golf course in the Lee valley area of the capital and its backers say they are scouting similar golfing facilities across the country.
“Struggling golf clubs in the UK and Europe are ideal, please point them our way”, said Craig Stoddart, CEO of the Wave, a private equity backed start-up whose first facility will open on a 100 acre site outside Bristol on September. “Golf courses not only have the space and affinity with nature we need but the planning [permission] to operate as leisure facilities.”
“You have this weird thing with surfing where demand massively outstrips the natural supply of waves”, says Stoddart. “Surfing is about to become an Olympic sport and is one of the fastest growing sports in the world but as every surfer knows, good waves – especially in summer – are few and far between.”
Golf has the opposite problem. In the UK there is is significant oversupply of greens and participation rates are tumbling because of pressures on family time and the sector’s failure to engage women.
Etc.
Good thing surfing has equal pay.
Speaking of, whatever happened to the rap star Ludacris?
Is he still crafting his art?
And Mr. J.P. Currie, you come from the land of golf. Is paranoia running deep there too?
Chris Dixon and Frank: please email [email protected] from the address you'd like your BeachGrit login on.
Commented on Disqus? Log out, tap the Disqus button, and your old name and comments come back. The box is ours.
Your comments are still here. Every one of them.
Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.
Connect Disqus to reveal.
That photo of Kelly is what he’d look like all the time if he went by Robert
What an absolutely fucking stupid, kookarama statement that is, wave demand exceeding supply. Literally millions of good waves break unridden every fucking day, all around the world. Free. Free! Go and fucking find them and catch the tiny handful of them you will ever manage to catch, and piss on the Craig Stoddarts of this world, who ignore the actual world and want to hamstring you so they can make you pay for something you can get all by your little self for nothing more than your own efforts and skills. Pay for your waves with your blood and abilities. Owe your stoke to the sun and the wind and a bottom contour, not to some cunty businessman.
Looking forward to seeing a whole new level of entitlement in the water, once these wave pool groms start hitting the ocean.
Hmmmm wave tank or brave wank?
Wave tanks for wanking yanks
No need to dig any holes; there’s 18 of them already!
Just start a trend for finger-board surfing and make it rain money!!!
Or SUP golfing on the water-traps or whatever they’re called. Tee off from the SUP to a hole on another SUP.
I’ve copyrighted that idea BTW. When you see it in the wild, you’ll know who to blame.
I just copyrighted the idea of using artificial turf as deck grip on SUPs for whatever your going to call this new wonder sport. Also, there’s a range of tees available that pop as required. And balls with flashing LED lights that are activated on contact with water.
Can I join Wiggoly-Bottom Enterprises as a full partner now? Please? Wiggoly-Lemon-Bottom Ent. has a nice ring to it.
Or the skatepark bust of the 1980s!
Truly, I mean, a six pack and a pack of squares at the skatepark still does me just fine when the surf’s shit.
PING!!!
Rule 1: what you bring in with you, you take out with you.
And no on-site disposal.
Perhaps you could work it into the basis for a bio-resin?
Our scientific research has concluded that the bond between said resin and cotton/poly blends yields an insufficient composite bond for industrial applications as it washed out of 9 of 10 socks using simple solvents and a cold/normal wash cycle. That tenth sock is stronger than a Firewire, though.
Sounds like movie:
THE TENTH SOCK
Gruff narrator: “In a world…” etc
Needs a catchy tune from Will Smith:
“Wank-Sock terminator!
Tougher than an elevator!
Cum-stain bio-resin,
Blowin’ up the deviators!
Ooooh oooh ooooooh!
The Tenth Sock!”
Give me another couple of verses and I’ll take it to the new band I’m trying to put together. (It will be more of a stoner rock groove vibe though).
On the bright side, once all these wave pools are up and running we are sure to be in for some epic MTV Spring Break shows. We can get Carson Daly or Mario Lopez to host, Limp Biskit will play a live set, it will be awesome! Throw in an air show and now we really have something.
Gorkin is frothing on this
Spring Break Miami 2019
Now imagine Turpel and Daly caught in the middle of this mayhem.
https://youtu.be/h2u2_4zCu6g
Golf is fucking sacrosanct here, mate. Golfers wouldn’t need much more than a lob wedge to see off surfers.
And Ludacris released an album about 3 years ago, some of which is absolute class.
It’s probably got more clout than surfing in Scotland.
Ludacris was recently involved in a movie project based on a pal of mine’s life-story.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Adopted kid, takes up BMX, gets good etc.
Was actually a Scottish story but obvs that wouldn’t sell tickets.
Interesting!
BMX is a bit gay though.
I’m not defending it as such Just chiming in with information.
I reckon it’s still much less lame than fruit-booting or scooters.
Must admit that entanglement with whirling metal many feet above the firmament is kinda ballsy. (or stupid)
No it does look decent! And there are many, many shitter things you could do
Yes. indeed.
In the movie, John plays his own alcoholic father.
what’s a Pringle JP?
The crisp or the jumpers?
yeah, I’m familiar with the food ……is it golf clothing?
Golf clothing, wanker clothing. V necks, ribbed knits, diamond patterns…that sort of pish.
Bizarrely enough they made a push to change their image to something younger and hipper years ago. They actually sponsored one of my younger brothers for windsurfing. Slung him a few jumpers etc. Dumb cunts didn’t realise that windsurfing was just an alternative branch of yuppie bollocks.
Your brother, that undeserving Scottish National Windsurfing Champion bastard?
Do you play?
At one time 2-3 times a week, now not so much. Post-children some things had to go. Golf was one of those casualties.
Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I will not cease from mental fight
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jeffrey’s Bay
In England’s green and pleasant Land
You’re all about bringing back the Crusades aren’t you.
I’ve got an idea for another brand of “leisure” facilities, ideally operating in partnership with each new wave park…who wants to go in on a chain of “massage parlors” to cater to the VAL clientele?
It’s an unstoppable business model, because if you’re willing to pay to surf, you’re definitely willing to pay to cum.
I’ve bought my ferry tickets already, when are you opening for business?
Working out the permits and environmental impact mitigation plan!
“You have this weird thing with surfing where demand massively outstrips the natural supply of waves”, says Stoddart.
Caused by VALs jumping on bandwagons, that we need to cash in on quickly, before they realise how fucking hard it is.
Panic on the streets of London
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again?
Do we get to hang Paul Fisher?
Tout de suite
What someone really needs to do is combine them! Build a Wave Ranch on the driving range of a course and allow people to buy a bucket of balls and attempt to knock surfers off the wake. I would pay serious money for the chance to clobber Slater in his fat, nickeled noggin while wearing my cashmere Pringle of Scotland sweatervest and eating Pringles.
Oooo…wedging a Titleist right where Kolohe’s teeth should be….
“Put a Hole In One Surf School”
*Haole In One
Just go surf Lunada Bay in PV mate….this was standard in the day.
Nothing like dodging 12-15 foot with golf balls raining down from above….. builds character!
Is it the money-changer’s fault?
CB your right that’s who fault it is….you are learning quickly.
You do realise I was being facetious?
Lemoore has a golf course so you can make that a reality right now! Just start whacking balls in the direction of Surf Ranch and hope the hoofed-one is on site
Nothing says “affinity with nature” quite like a wave tub 100 miles from the nearest beach.
Or takes into account how much environmental destruction goes into clearing and maintaining 100 acres of native vegetation. Somehow it seems a perfect marriage.
Advanced computing.*
* My new standard response to “what just happened?”
Or “why did you do that?”
I can’t wait to use that one.
Q: “Why does the bathroom stink so much!?!?”
A: …