And a miracle! Kelly Slater back in favour with judges.

One of the chief characteristics of our post modern age is a kind of wilful denial of reality. Or the creation of your own wholly separate one.

Once you are in the bubble, getting pissed on by your own people in your own tent as Derek Hynd put it to me, all that matters is the judgement of fellow travellers.

Example from the booth on a crazy today in Keramas perfection was Luke Egan telling us how there was no difference between freesurf Jack Freestone and contest Jack Freestone.

You kidding me, Luke?

Jack served up more soft turns and safety surfing and even a tried to sell judges a cold fish in a wet sock as a winning score against a rampaging Jeremy Flores. That was one heat that judges, thank Allah, got right.

Judges doubled down on crazy. Top seeds choked, one after the other.

It was like LBJ’s nightmare domino effect except instead of South-East Asian countries falling to communism it was world title contenders failing to execute.

The first to fall was Gabriel Medina.

One giant huck, a big athletic man sent into space ended in a fall out the back. He tried to claw back against Leonardo Fioravanti with chunky power hacks which left judges unmoved. A pair of fives in perfect Keramas had Joey and Pottz flummoxed in the booth. Set waves went unridden or unmade by poor positioning. It came to one set wave which Leo attacked. Gabe hucked again and fell and out.

The next heats were painful to watch. It turned your mind, as Strider astutely noticed, to “scrambled eggs.” Tubes not made by Mikey Wright. Two wobbly backhand hits from Ace given a 6.93. About the only fiction that wasn’t repeated was the one Luke Egan had been cherishing. That the standard of performance this year was a big improvement on last year.

Highlights shown from last year and 2013 made a mockery of that call.

Over the years I’ve been a huge critic of Jordy Smith, on the grounds of safety surfing and choking, now a huge fan. As much for the homespun wisdom and very cleverly disguised pass-agg jibes at the WSL as the power and repertoire.

Jordy looked magisterial. It had to be a Jordy/Filipe final. The perfect face-off between speed and power. The best turn of the day came from Jordan’s hand, or feet. Judges barely moved. It was judged less than a five.

Surely the big man would put this lineup into his loving arms and squeeze the life out of it. Like a first time Australian adventurer does when he discovers the world of gender fluidity down a Kuta back alley. If you get my drift.

And no, it was never proven.

Jordy looked magisterial. It had to be a Jordy/Filipe final. The perfect face-off between speed and power. The best turn of the day came from Jordan’s hand, or feet. Judges barely moved. It was judged less than a five.

Luke was shocked.

Then Jesse neatly threaded a “backpacker” barrel to take the lead. It was weird. It was wrong. Speed, power and flow. Innovation. Committment. Combination of major manoeuvres. Sensing a riot Strider told the booth to get back in their wheelhouse. Still doesn’t make it right.

Jordy was cooked.

You a fan of folk electronic glitch dude James Blake? If you cut Julian Wilson’s heat to his glitch classic Wilhelm Scream the lyric would transpose perfectly.

I don’t know about my dreams


I don’t know about my dreamin’ anymore.


All that I know is


I’m falling, falling, falling, falling.


Might as well fall in.

He fell and fell.

And that was it.

Game over, year over, for Jules.

Heat two in the Round of 16, the sixth heat of the day. Three hours into perfect waves before two pro surfers finally came to grips with it. I haven’t been able to develop any fond feelings for Wade Carmichael but it’s time to call him for what he is: the premier power surfer on tour.

Judges undercooked his opener, which was as good or better than his second scoring wave. Power and edge work with turns of differing length. A long arc back into the bowl and a short sharp punch to the lip. Johnny Duru., can we claim him for Australia?, would have won many other heats but not against the Avoca Jesus today.

“I’ve seen a lot of people struggle,” said Luke Egan.

I like Luke. There are two versions of him. A sort of artificially revved up version which appears to be the result of some kind of media coaching and then the monotone drone guy where he forgets he in the booth and just wanders all over the place.

I prefer the latter and find it intensely relaxing. I would have called the performances gobsmackingly inept.

But that was all forgotten when Filipe Toledo paddled out against Ryan Callinan.

My theory about the judging panel is based on the biological science of Predation. Predators develop a search image and when they see prey that matches the image they attack. Judges develop a mental image of good surfing and scale according to how closely it matches.

Filipe was cruelled by Rhino at France last year in softly lit beachbreaks. That was a comp where he could have sewn up a title winning lead before Pipe. Little cats paws danced across the water at Keramas as the faintest zephyr of onshore wind blew across the lineup and FT started with a little soft shoe shuffle disco floater. An unmade air followed. Ryan looked solid, but unspectacular next to FT.

More Ace than Gabe, as Derek Rielly pointed out.

My theory about the judging panel is based on the biological science of Predation. Predators develop a search image and when they see prey that matches the image they attack. Judges develop a mental image of good surfing and scale according to how closely it matches.

Historically, the greats bend the scale to their will. The last to do so being Dane Reynolds. Filipe was accorded the template of good surfing for Keramas. Thus, according to the theory, he would receive the heretofore unawarded excellent scores.

So it came to pass.

A deep speed slice into the wave, so fast and rotated that the breaking lip covered him as he changed rails followed by aerials and lip punches smashed through the excellent ceiling.

Can he be beat? Not in this mood, not with this repertoire.

Kelly, kelly kelly. Halfway through the heat he looked like a bug smashed against the windscreen of a B-double rumbling across the Nullabor Plain.

That B-double was Michel Bourez’s power attack. And it was relentless. He was smashing Kelly.

Kelly rode a set wave like it was 1998. A weird opening turn, half lip hit, half floater before a smooth roundhouse cutback. Judges were not amused. No way judges will pay weird turns in 2019, Kelly, I said to the screen.

Am I the only one that talks to the screen? I only started after reading those essays from Norman Mailer where he said he spoke to the TV, and believed it made a difference.

Six minutes to go. If you lined up every heat end to end where Kelly has taken a heat in the last six minutes you could fly to the moon on it. Kelly needs a 7.23.

No chance I thought. Not a chance in hell. Not on this scale. Kelly hasn’t got over a seven since they juiced him at Surf Ranch last year. He stole under Michel with priority and threaded a neat little tube and then threw that weird flat layback snap right into the pocket. A move the judges rejected at D-Bah.

The mood amongst the commentariat was grim. Not enough, they cried. A surge of adrenalin thickened in my throat. My god, they are going to give it to him! 7.53. More than enough.

A miracle! Kelly is back in favour.

Did you comment live here today?

Did it feel somehow, like we had taken something back. Something that by osmosis, by weight of history had been taken from us by sharks and carpet-baggers and, let us be honest, very likeable people.

I did.

And now we have Kelly vs Filipe to look forwards too.

Oh God, what if Kelly wins.

Corona Bali Protected Remaining Men’s Round 3 (Round of 32) Results:
Heat 13: Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 12.73 DEF. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 11.00
Heat 14: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 8.73 DEF. Mikey Wright (AUS) 6.50
Heat 15: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 13.90 DEF. Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 7.60
Heat 16: Jesse Mendes (BRA) 11.20 DEF. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 10.33

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 4 (Round of 16) Results:
Heat 1: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 13.67 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 6.77
Heat 2: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 15.50 DEF. Joan Duru (FRA) 13.87
Heat 3: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 14.17 DEF. Jack Freestone (AUS) 13.00
Heat 4: Kolohe Andino (USA) 11.16 DEF. Conner Coffin (USA) 9.67
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 15.93 DEF. Ryan Callinan (AUS) 13.47
Heat 6: Kelly Slater (USA) 14.46 DEF. Michel Bourez (FRA) 14.27
Heat 7: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 11.23 DEF. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 10.80
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 15.66 DEF. Jesse Mendes (BRA) 5.86

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Quarterfinal Matchups:
Heat 1: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
Heat 2: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Kelly Slater (USA)
Heat 4: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)

Real time peanut throwing!

It’s Sunday afternoon in the US; a sparkling autumn morning on the Australian east coast.

In Bali, where it is just after seven am, oily three-foot lines are curling over the Keramas reef. Right now, the world champion Gabriel Medina is in the drink against the resurrected Italian Leonardo Fioravanti.

Upcoming heats include Filipe v Ryan Callinan, Julian Wilson v M.Rodrigues and Kelly Slater v Michel Bourez.

Schedule below.

Feel free to loose lips in comment pane.

Corona Bali Protected Remaining Men’s Round 3 (Round of 32) Matchups:
Heat 13: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Heat 14: Mikey Wright (AUS) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 15: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
Heat 16: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA)

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 4 (Round of 16) Matchups:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
Heat 2: Joan Duru (FRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
Heat 3: Jack Freestone (AUS) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 6: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Michel Bourez (FRA)
Heat 7: TBD
Heat 8: TBD
 

Who's gonna beat Filipe at head-high Keramas? Anyone?

Tough day comrades, with scoring all over the place and my judgement not as sharp as it could be. I wanted a change of government in Australia and when that didn’t happen a joyless drunken evening morphed into the kind of dour hangover that makes you think of all kinds of nasty things.

The problem for the judges started in heat one with Julian Wilson getting a 6.4 for a toy little head-high tube with a doggy door exit that any sixteen-year-old kid or forty-year-old plumber could have threaded.

That pretty much fucked the scale for the rest of the day.

Jaddy had scored threes for multiple backhand hooks with completions. Confusion about what was good surfing and how to score it was now ingrained in the booth.

Yago completely failed to fire in heat two, another theme for the day. Certain surfers just could not get out of the blocks in slow conditions. One failed air, two failed airs and the heat was over. M-Rod was also over-scored based on the Wilson over-scores.

All of which meant that coming into the marquee heat of the day, John John Florence vs Joan Duru, judges had less idea about how to score than Luke Egan did in pronouncing Joan.

In saying that, I will advance an unpopular view that judges got the result right. Based on my notes and going back to the heat analyser.

Joan’s opening waves with really crisp vertical slices and a big power hook cutdown were under-scored. An almost four-point spread between Florence and Duru was clearly disconnected from reality.

Quite clearly insane.

John’s waves were incompleted. You got the strong feeling judges were, as they say in a modern men’s circle,“holding space” for him. He fell, and fell again.

It was reminiscent of his final with Adriano at Margaret River in 2015. Miss the end section and lose the heat. In the end, judges paid a late vertical hit from Duru with a heat-winning score and were gifted a final wave from John where he fell on an opening turn.

John was seething in the presser. Through gritted teeth he called it a “tricky heat” and said he was on his way to review the Duru winning wave. He did not use the word “fun” once.

His mohawk, for the first time this season, seemed appropriate.

The other significant feature of the day, the return of the extinct air, was showcased in heat five. Jack Freestone greased an Alley Oop, which, correct if wrong, has barely been sighted since 2013.

Another slick opening turn air was similarly scored in the five range. The quagmire of five and sixes had not been breached in the previous heat with Wade and Deivid Silva.

It did beg the question, almost but not quite asked by Ronnie Blakey, what is good surfing?

Italo was just not there. Injured, off kilter, looking really weird and kooky with his front moon bootie. No man in the history of Planet Earth has managed to look competent rocking a single bootie look.

You disagree? Example then?

Rosie tried to bait Kolohe into committing to an aerial attack before his heat with Ricardo Christie but he wisely said he was going to take what the wave offered him before promptly sticking two big rotations, the first of which seemed to defeat time and gravity temporarily by fluttering in the breeze on the re-entry. Judges finally felt comfortable going into the sevens.

If the best 34 surfers in the world can’t reach that top in greasy head-high Indonesian perfection what hard questions need to be asked about the standard of surfing proffered?

Brother was pumped on the compressed scoring scale. “It’s great the scale is down,” he said. “It leaves a lot of room at the top.”

True story but if the best 34 surfers in the world can’t reach that top in greasy head-high Indonesian perfection what hard questions need to be asked about the standard of surfing proffered?

I think some kind of detente between judges, the scale and the world’s best is becoming a glaring necessity if they want to maintain the illusion of an elite product. The numbers are not flattering.

The one surfer that judges have decreed excellent at Keramas flew through the air repeatedly without a make. Luckily for Filipe, Ciao Ibelli sat mute out the back waiting for waves that never came. When Filipe finally did combo up a big hack to slide, fins out punch and air reverse ending you could smell the relief in the judges booth when they finally gave a number greater than eight.

Did you see the Kelly heat? Made you feel good didn’t it. Come on, even the biggest Kelly hater was silently cheering. A tonic. Made my bitter hangover more endurable, made life all of a sudden plausible again.

Ibelli dragged another aerial from beneath the permafrost of extinction but even that souped-up Superman wasn’t enough to get him back in the heat.

Did you see the Kelly heat? Made you feel good didn’t it.

Come on, even the biggest Kelly hater was silently cheering. A tonic. Made my bitter hangover more endurable, made life all of a sudden plausible again.

Kelly said the “first exchange will set the pace of the heat” and he was close enough. They both put ones on the board before an exchange of set waves saw Kelly tuck his carcass in behind a delectable little knuckle of Indian ocean juice and give it a couple of love taps for a 6.33.

Warm water makes old bones feel young and you could see the old man come to life in a way he couldn’t at Bells. He took to the air before finding a little speed run under priority. Like the seeding round he unleashed the turn of the day, a slightly different, more classic Slater power snap. Judges lowballed it a six, but in the context of the heat it was more than enough to send Owen packing.

Matt George, again, provided highlights in the booth. This self-appointed spokesman for Indonesian surfing called Kelly Slater the “George Foreman of surfing”. That is a stretch comparing Kelly to the greatest pitch man in history but Kelly still has a long way to run. A lot of things to pitch for. Maybe not steak knives and non-stick grills but those Aipa’s sure look sizzling under his feet.

The tide ran out and the waves stopped. I think we will come back tomorrow and do it all again.

Can you see Filipe being beaten in head-high Keramas, cause I sure can’t.

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 3 (Round of 32) Results:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) 12.23 DEF. Jadson Andre (BRA) 8.00
Heat 2: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 12.27 DEF. Yago Dora (BRA) 3.57
Heat 3: Joan Duru (FRA) 12.14 DEF. John John Florence (HAW) 12.04
Heat 4: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.63 DEF. Deivid Silva (BRA) 11.44
Heat 5: Jack Freestone (AUS) 11.26 DEF. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 4.77
Heat 6: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.74 DEF. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 11.34
Heat 7: Conner Coffin (USA) 10.33 DEF. Griffin Colapinto (USA) 7.33
Heat 8: Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.54 DEF. Ricardo Christie (NZL) 8.37
Heat 9: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 13.00 DEF. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 7.13
Heat 10: Ryan Callinan (AUS) 11.76 DEF. Seth Moniz (HAW) 9.50
Heat 11: Kelly Slater (USA) 12.50 DEF. Owen Wright (AUS) 8.30
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (FRA) 9.13 DEF. Rio Waida (IDN) 8.10

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 3 (Round of 32) Matchups:
Heat 13: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Heat 14: Mikey Wright (AUS) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 15: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
Heat 16: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA)

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 4 (Round of 16) Matchups:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
Heat 2: Joan Duru (FRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
Heat 3: Jack Freestone (AUS) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 6: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Michel Bourez (FRA)
Heat 7: TBD
Heat 8: TBD