"Keith, according to the affidavit, grabbed a rock and struck him in the mouth, causing "massive trauma" including missing teeth..."

When Kelly Slater introduced his Surf Ranch four, almost five, years ago in Lemoore, California the world gasped. It was… perfect. Waves on demand and not just any waves but barreling waves. That vision, compounded with Wavegarden’s existing beginner friendly models then reinvigorated soon after by BSR Cable Park, there in Waco, Texas and its unlimited launch ramps fed a narrative that had been dormant since the mid-1950s.

Could surfing actually create the world’s first, sustainable utopia? Where resources are endless and everyone shares? Where fun reigns and a smile is plastered on every face, from the first-timer VAL to Kelly Slater, eleven-time World Champion, current world number seven?

Might the wave tank usher in the Age of Aquarius?

Oh there were small hiccups. The most exciting pool design-wise, there in Yeppoon, Australia, could only craft ankle high waves but the dreamer saw midgets and children invited into the utopia too. And a young man was cut down in his prime due to brain eating amoeba likely contracted at the Waco facility but how many had to perish under Stalin’s reign in order to realize the socialist workers paradise? Twenty-million? Thirty?

Wave tanks were going to democratize surfing. A barrel on every table. A Freak Peak in every stomach. And endless property the world over in which to build. Any abandoned dirt patch from the suburbs of Lancaster to Bogan Shire in New South Wales.

But in all the heady imaginations people forgot that Lancaster and Bogan Shire, Lemoore and Waco have… problems (read: methamphetamine) and issues (read: opioids) and now let us turn to central Texas’s CBS affiliate for more.

A woman is accused of assaulting her sister and boyfriend at BSR Cable Park Saturday.

Ashley Marie Keith has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and assault causing bodily injury-family member.

According to the arrest affidavit, a deputy detained a woman Saturday night who badly injured her boyfriend and hurt her sister who tried to stop her.

A second deputy was dispatched before 6:40 p.m. to come to the scene.

The victim told the second deputy he was asleep in the bed of his truck when he woke up to Keith kicking him in the stomach, the affidavit states, and to prevent further kicking he grabbed her thigh and pushed her away.

Keith, according to the affidavit, grabbed a rock and struck him in the mouth, causing “massive trauma” including missing teeth and a laceration to his bottom lip, and there was a large amount of blood.

“…Ashley was arrested for using a rock as a deadly weapon during the commission of the assault which resulted in serious bodily injury to (Ashley’s boyfriend),” the deputy states in the document.

Etc.

We can all assume that Ashley Marie Keith’s boyfriend was worn out and taking a little truck bed snooze after throwing hammers all day on the aforementioned Freak Peak. We also must assume that he snaked Ashley Marie Keith herself.

Oh the dream is dead. All hope is lost. Surf rage is everywhere and surfers, like the rest of humanity, are bound for hell.

Anti-depressive!

"Oh wow."

Kelly Slater, age 47, is a very avid and competent Instagram user. It is no secret and a fact that adds layers to the most approachable top-tier professional athletes of all time. Keep rolling the dice, throwing questions into his comment section and chances are better than even that you’ll get a response or blocked, depending on what you ask.

He is also not afraid to leave his walled garden and will comment here and there across the Instagram universe. Yesterday found him sharing an excited “Oh wow” over a very provocative Miley Cyrus, age 26, photo advertising the pop star’s newest music video.

The twenty-one year age gap between the two public figures might raise eyebrows in certain corners though I would imagine only where professional surf watching is not a way of life. Kelly’s co-workers on tour, as we well know, average 24 years old and Kelly himself stopped aging eight years ago technically making him 39.

In any case, the fact that Kelly was engaging with a very provocative Miley Cyrus photo is not surprising. That he went into the emoji database and pulled the rarely used “lecherous” face is.

The “lecherous” emoji, featuring a toothy full-faced smile with tongue barely kept in mouth and eyeballs open wide, was introduced before the #metoo movement exploded onto the scene. Major mobile phone manufacturers quickly realized it sent a troubling message and buried it on most devices. My iPhone 4 does not have, for example, which brings us to our important questions.

At what age should adult men abandon using emojis? Can an extra few years be added for ironic emoji use? Is it ok to use suggestive emojis in every context or just certain contexts?

Now let’s watch the Miley Cyrus music video together.