Apocalypse Now: “Terrifying” surf rage incident shatters utopian wave tank dream!

Chas Smith

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"Keith, according to the affidavit, grabbed a rock and struck him in the mouth, causing "massive trauma" including missing teeth..."

When Kelly Slater introduced his Surf Ranch four, almost five, years ago in Lemoore, California the world gasped. It was… perfect. Waves on demand and not just any waves but barreling waves. That vision, compounded with Wavegarden’s existing beginner friendly models then reinvigorated soon after by BSR Cable Park, there in Waco, Texas and its unlimited launch ramps fed a narrative that had been dormant since the mid-1950s.

Could surfing actually create the world’s first, sustainable utopia? Where resources are endless and everyone shares? Where fun reigns and a smile is plastered on every face, from the first-timer VAL to Kelly Slater, eleven-time World Champion, current world number seven?

Might the wave tank usher in the Age of Aquarius?

Oh there were small hiccups. The most exciting pool design-wise, there in Yeppoon, Australia, could only craft ankle high waves but the dreamer saw midgets and children invited into the utopia too. And a young man was cut down in his prime due to brain eating amoeba likely contracted at the Waco facility but how many had to perish under Stalin’s reign in order to realize the socialist workers paradise? Twenty-million? Thirty?

Wave tanks were going to democratize surfing. A barrel on every table. A Freak Peak in every stomach. And endless property the world over in which to build. Any abandoned dirt patch from the suburbs of Lancaster to Bogan Shire in New South Wales.

But in all the heady imaginations people forgot that Lancaster and Bogan Shire, Lemoore and Waco have… problems (read: methamphetamine) and issues (read: opioids) and now let us turn to central Texas’s CBS affiliate for more.

A woman is accused of assaulting her sister and boyfriend at BSR Cable Park Saturday.

Ashley Marie Keith has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and assault causing bodily injury-family member.

According to the arrest affidavit, a deputy detained a woman Saturday night who badly injured her boyfriend and hurt her sister who tried to stop her.

A second deputy was dispatched before 6:40 p.m. to come to the scene.

The victim told the second deputy he was asleep in the bed of his truck when he woke up to Keith kicking him in the stomach, the affidavit states, and to prevent further kicking he grabbed her thigh and pushed her away.

Keith, according to the affidavit, grabbed a rock and struck him in the mouth, causing “massive trauma” including missing teeth and a laceration to his bottom lip, and there was a large amount of blood.

“…Ashley was arrested for using a rock as a deadly weapon during the commission of the assault which resulted in serious bodily injury to (Ashley’s boyfriend),” the deputy states in the document.

Etc.

We can all assume that Ashley Marie Keith’s boyfriend was worn out and taking a little truck bed snooze after throwing hammers all day on the aforementioned Freak Peak. We also must assume that he snaked Ashley Marie Keith herself.

Oh the dream is dead. All hope is lost. Surf rage is everywhere and surfers, like the rest of humanity, are bound for hell.

Anti-depressive!

The before photo etc.

Oy vey! Second wavepool announced for Palm Springs!

Derek Rielly

By

Israeli-owned wavepool company Wavegarden tightens grip on world market…

Back in January, you’ll remember, or not, Cheyne Magnusson announced he was going to bring his Waco sorcery to a new wavepool in Palm Beach.

The Hawaiian, who has hair like a spitfire and who singlehandedly altered the course of aerial surfing at BSR cable park, had been signed to design and set-up a pool at the old Wet ‘n’ Wild site in Palm Springs, California.

Today, the terrifying ménage à trois of Clifton and Damien Hobgood and Josh Kerr simultaneously announced they’d been signed up to sell a new wave tank which is being installed at the Desert Willow Golf Resort, also in Palm Springs. There’s gonna be a “Surf Center” featuring two hotels and between 40 and 88 villas, which you can buy, as well as a Wavegarden Cove, and all under the handle DSRT Surf.

Yeah, took me a while to realise those letters ain’t an acronym. Like Slater’s VSTR or Tumblr etc.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bzjq4kyphVX/

My old pal Marcus Sanders at Surfline jumped on a phone call to DSRT Surf’s partners, John Luff and Doug Sheres, so I didn’t have to.

Let’s crib a little.

In the planning stages for two years already, and planning to break ground at the end of 2019, DSRT Surf is expected to cost somewhere just south of $200 million dollars once all the amenities are built out.

According to Luff, a surf pool on its own would be tough to make work, economically, “unless it was in the perfect location.” But once you layer in the additional income from hotels, restaurants and retail, things start making more economic sense. Especially when you factor in the proximity of 25 million people living within a few hours drive.

It works both ways, too: “The surf pool will have legs and generate a lot of revenue,” Luff said. “And without the surf pool, the development itself wouldn’t be as attractive.”

The call to go with Wavegarden Cove technology was another business decision.

“Is it the best air wave?” Luff said. “No. But do they have the most well-rounded model? Yes. I think the Cove has proven, dollar-for-dollar, that it’s best on the return. And we will be open to the public, but the focus will be on a slightly more premium experience. And people staying at the resort would get priority, but anyone could come — we want to make it inclusive, so all levels of surfers can come and feel like they got enough surf in to be satisfied.”

Opens 2021 etc.

Australia's first wave pool, a Wavegarden-created Cove – the word's first full-sized version of the new tech. | Photo: jazzy p

Progress: Digging continues at Australia’s first Wavepool!

Derek Rielly

By

Much dirt has to be shifted for Wavegarden Cove debut…

Four years ago, the former banker Andrew Ross made the bullish promise that there’d be ten wave pools across Australia within a decade.

It would be, it seemed, the greatest act of colonisation by a single entity in Australia since the British waded ashore from their prison hulks in 1788.

In February this year, it was announced that the first of the ten pools, which is being built near Melbourne’s airport, was nearing completion. It would be, promised the Perth-based company URBNSURF, “safe, convenient, accessible and welcoming.”

From the presser:

Major earthworks, civil construction and services installation are now largely complete, and the heart of our 2-hectare surfing lagoon, our next-generation wave generator, has been installed.

We’re now on the final countdown to filling the world’s first full-scale Wavegarden Cove, and for first waves to be breaking around Easter 2019.

Last month, BeachGrit‘s Jazzy P was wandering by and shot a few photos.

What we’re hearing is building a full-sized version of the Cove, the first of its kind in the world and Wavegarden’s return salvo to KSWaveCo and American Wave Machines, ain’t as easy as it seemed on paper.

Tech difficulties etc.

The company says it’s now squaring up for a late-2019 reveal, with the tap getting turned on to fill the lagoon in a couple of weeks.

“Opening in late ‘19 after testing and commissioning our wave generator over Winter. So close and we’re psyyyyyyched,” the company told its 11,000 followers on Instagram.

Interestingly, the co says it’s still on for a Sydney pool, construction beginning early next year for a 2021 open.

Now, an examination of these photos suggests six months or so to go before you’ll get to shred ‘tween flight connections.

Still, it’s happening etc.

Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Update: Sunny Garcia moved to California hospital; lung surgery tomorrow

Derek Rielly

By

"See him catching a wave, on the water with the sun on his back. Picture him happy, healthy and loved."

On April 29, the world champ and six-time Triple Crown winner Sunny Garcia, was found unconscious at his home in Oregon, almost dead, and presumably by his own hand.

On the day Sunny was found, he posted this.

Three weeks later, despite a general pessimism from doctors, Sunny was breathing on his own and responding to stimuli.

Now, according to his daughter Kaila, Sunny, who is forty-nine, has been moved from ICU in Portland to a hospital in California and will go under what’s called VAT or video-assisted thoracoscopic surgery on his lungs.

In the old days, like, until the early nineties, surgeons would go in with a saw to get through the sternum. Now, the procedure is minimally invasive, less risk and so on.

Good news for Sunny who got his nickname from a mama who delighted in her little boy’s elevated spirit.

Kaila writes:

“Bring to mind a happy memory of my dad @sunnygarcia. See him catching a wave, on the water with the sun on his back. Picture him happy, healthy and loved. Send that picture of Sunny as healthy and loved as a prayer and a reminder to Sunny. When you breathe out send that happy picture with your love to My dad @sunnygarcia. Please join us in doing this once a day for the next month.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BzcL4zvjB5z/?utm_source=ig_embed

Titillation: Kelly Slater gets excited, employs rarely used “lecherous” emoji, over provocative Miley Cyrus image!

Chas Smith

By

"Oh wow."

Kelly Slater, age 47, is a very avid and competent Instagram user. It is no secret and a fact that adds layers to the most approachable top-tier professional athletes of all time. Keep rolling the dice, throwing questions into his comment section and chances are better than even that you’ll get a response or blocked, depending on what you ask.

He is also not afraid to leave his walled garden and will comment here and there across the Instagram universe. Yesterday found him sharing an excited “Oh wow” over a very provocative Miley Cyrus, age 26, photo advertising the pop star’s newest music video.

The twenty-one year age gap between the two public figures might raise eyebrows in certain corners though I would imagine only where professional surf watching is not a way of life. Kelly’s co-workers on tour, as we well know, average 24 years old and Kelly himself stopped aging eight years ago technically making him 39.

In any case, the fact that Kelly was engaging with a very provocative Miley Cyrus photo is not surprising. That he went into the emoji database and pulled the rarely used “lecherous” face is.

The “lecherous” emoji, featuring a toothy full-faced smile with tongue barely kept in mouth and eyeballs open wide, was introduced before the #metoo movement exploded onto the scene. Major mobile phone manufacturers quickly realized it sent a troubling message and buried it on most devices. My iPhone 4 does not have, for example, which brings us to our important questions.

At what age should adult men abandon using emojis? Can an extra few years be added for ironic emoji use? Is it ok to use suggestive emojis in every context or just certain contexts?

Now let’s watch the Miley Cyrus music video together.

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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