Revealed: Neanderthals likely world’s first surfers; Hawaiians thrown into jealous rage!

New scientific evidence throws history on its ear!

For centuries now, it has been held that surfing’s historical river has its headwaters in Hawaii. Those ancient kings, practicing that wonderful pastime, were observed by Capt. James Cook and his merry men as they sailed around the world looking for fantastic diseases.

Cook’s right hand man, Lt. James King, wrote in his journals:

But a diversion the most common is upon the Water, where there is a very great Sea, and surf breaking on the Shore. The Men sometimes 20 or 30 go without the Swell of the Surf, & lay themselves flat upon an oval piece of plan about their Size and breadth, they keep their legs close on top of it, & their Arms are us’d to guide the plank, thye wait the time of the greatest Swell that sets on Shore, & altogether push forward with their Arms to keep on its top, it sends them in with a most astonishing Velocity, & the great art is to guide the plan so as always to keep it in a proper direction on the top of the Swell, & as it alters its direct.

During research for the academically-driven Cocaine + Surfing (buy here), I marched out on a thick limb, positing that it must have been ancient Peruvians who took surfing from their cold, misty shores over to Tahiti and those Tahitians took it to Hawaii.

Thor Heyderdahl and his Kon Tiki was proof positive and also the fact that surfers love cocaine, which was first planted in Peru by the Great Inca who cut a very beautiful woman in two, named Kuka, and stuck her in the ground.

Many Hawaiians were not pleased with my putting together of research and blamed me, in harsh tones, for being a crackpot and sham.

Well, those Hawaiians have another possible usurper.

Neanderthals.

For it was revealed today that the human-like creatures suffered from surfer’s ear and let us turn to Discovery magazine for more.

Being a lifelong surfer or diver sometimes comes with an odd side-effect: the growth of small, bony knobs in the ear canals, the result of chronic exposure to cold water and air.

They’re often referred to as “surfer’s ear” because the condition is common among those who ride the waves. But there might well be a more apt term for the condition, based on new findings from a team of scientists: Neanderthal ear.

The bony growths, also called exostoses, show up in many Neanderthal skulls found in Europe and southwest Asia. It’s evidence that the ancient human cousins likely spent a fair amount of time in the water, perhaps to gather food, the team says.

Or, likely, surf.

On it goes and, real quick, the bastards better not rename “surfer’s ear” “neanderthal ear” but also doesn’t it make sense that we come from neanderthal roots? It explains our surf rage. Neanderthal by way of Peru.

Hawaiians will not be pleased.

P.S. Click in the margins and purchase Surf Ears if you want to be smart and evolved. They are honestly epic.