The Duke famously spread surfing to the world but
at home he was a cop.
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through
this, our wonderful pastime, the Sport of Kings and
Queens, when they see line-ups crowded with beggars etc
etc.
We are all one now we are told. I’m quite tolerant of the
inclusivity narrative that has infected – can you say infected? –
the modern surfing nation. As I should be.
My favourite VAL from a decade of exposure to the various
(mostly) European and north American tribes is the German. No one
applies a more ruthlessly analytical mindset to the pursuit of
pleasure and has a better way of doing things despite absolute
helplessness. The favoured refrain from the German surfer is “Yes,
but…”
For a period of time I paid rent and maintained an overseas
travel heavy surfing habit as one of the despised surf guides on a
learn-to-surf camping tour. As a mechanism for transferring wealth
across nations and allowing dirt bags to graft a living from
pushing backpackers into waves it was remarkably effective.
My favourite VAL from a decade of exposure to the various
(mostly) European and north American tribes is the German. No one
applies a more ruthlessly analytical mindset to the pursuit of
pleasure and has a better way of doing things despite absolute
helplessness. The favoured refrain from the German surfer is “Yes,
but…”
Those days now seem naïve.
The adult learner has, by and large, escaped the coralling of an
“organised” surf tour and roams freely, buys boards and becomes
intermediate. Sometimes very quickly. They bunker up and hunt in
packs. It’s all very socio-biological, very wildebeest on the
savannah.
Nowadays it’s not the wildebeest that is in peril but the local
predators who keep/kept them in check.
Some, notably Surfrider co-founder Glenn Hening, have called
localism a “stain on the soul of
surfing”. That seems to me an ahistorical and deeply
racist view of surfing’s origins, at least as far as the Hawaiians
had things structured. Rather than impugn the ancient Hawaiians I
prefer to believe that in their wisdom they had things figured
out.
Hierarchies worked. The Duke famously spread surfing to the
world but at home he was a cop.
The Hawaiians had an elaborate code for working shit out, one
based on Kapu, or taboo, so everyone knew where they stood and
where they could surf. Local enforcers took on policing our
post-modern code and of course, quite frequently they get it wrong.
Over-reach, violence against the weak, falling foul of the rule of
law etc etc. We all accept though, that some local enforcement or
localism maintains order and serves the greater good.
Based on the Japanese Zen model, the enforcer can carry a small
billy club. Floating of course, and hand-made from local materials.
Offenders may get a yellow or red card and then, failing any change
in behaviour, a sharp blow with the club. Like an inattentive zen
student receives from his master to bring mind back to the task the
struck VAL is then able to partake of a learning situation.
Hence this modest proposal.
Based on the Japanese Zen model, the enforcer can carry a stick,
or a stick being impractical, a small billy club. Floating of
course, and hand-made from local materials. Possibly sold at local
farmers markets, under the counter. Offenders may get a yellow or
red card and then, failing any change in behaviour, a sharp blow
with the club. Like an inattentive zen student receives from his
master to bring mind back to the task the struck VAL is then able
to partake of a learning situation. An opportunity to tune into a
higher vibration, as my pal would say.
I see no gendered objection to this proposal. Gals get just as
annoyed and threatened by kookery in the surf and they may like the
opportunity to give an inattentive Murfer a sharp whack between the
shoulder blades, or around the kidneys. A little light bruising but
no harm done.
The legitimate question of who gets to wield the billy club is
answered in our age by self-identification. The self-identified
local enforcer carries the club. Enforcers with clubs will also be
a bulwark against the coming Chinese surf tourist boom.
One of my last tasks as a bus driver was to take a bus-load of
Chinese tourist officials to and from a surf lesson. They are
coming, comrades. We must be ready with clubs to turn them back. A
blow with a stick transcends any language barrier.
Hawaiians do localism better than anybody, Californians have by
and large lost the stomach for it though I’m heartened to read that
the Fort Point locals
have received a favourable press lately. I humbly
submit that an Australian innovation in this space could be as big
as pro surfing and confer much more benefit to the average Joe.
We are on dangerous ground comrades but please explain how this
elegantly simple and eminently workable proposal will not halt the
extinction of the local enforcer and bring our line-ups back under
control, for the benefit of all?
