The French beachbreak, like Michel Foucalt, is a much overrated old fruit. Bad tempered and indecipherable.
To be honest, I ain’t the toothiest Francophile in the tub ’round here. French boobs, yes. Houllebecq, Flaubert, Stendahl, Gilet-jaunes, yes, yes, yes. Camus, De Beauvoir, Sartre: love that shit.
The French beachbreak, like Michel Foucalt, seems very much an overrated old fruit to me. Bad tempered and indecipherable. When Jessi Miley Dyer stood in front of the camera at 8.30 CEST this morning and said this was the best day in the waiting period I thought, sick. After a million french close-outs had pounded the beach at La Grav, it was more, what a punish.
Still there was drama, plenty of what poet Philip Larkin in his ode to sexual awakening, Annus Mirabilis, termed “wrangling for the ring.” Overlapping forty-five-minute heats gave plenty of opportunity, and that was needed, but it was still, according to Connor Coffin, “a lucky dip at best.”
When the world’s best beachbreak scavenger, Gabe Medina, scours every inch of a lineup and can only rip a few four-point chunks off the carcass in forty minutes you know it’s slim pickings.
I couldn’t advise a rewatching that heat but as live action, with the Title in play, it was compelling sport.
Miserable closeouts, almost a total lack of surfable corners. Up and down the line-up, firing at will, hucking left, then a huge inverted backside spin which he tried to sell to judges as make and got denied (unfairly, I thought). It was close to the perfect sudden death scenario – French wildcard Mignot with nothing to lose and a random lineup that could suddenly offer a teepee to the lucky.
Charlie prowled the beach getting more and more stressed, more visibly agitated. The salt and pepper beard seemed greyer by the minute in the wan French sunshine. The dislike, repulsion even, for this man confounds me. The smothering step-father adds a kind of Grimms’ Fairy Tale patina over the World Champions campaign and contrasts with the worldly superstar dimensions: the hang-outs with Neymar, the conference calls with Bolsanaro.
Great theatre.
Fifteen minutes to go and Medina trails the wildcard. Ten, five; still behind. The unthinkable starts to seem possible. Likely even. Four minutes and forty seconds to go and Gabe spikes a small left toob, re-emerges and smashes the oncoming lip for punctuation. Charlie loses his shit in the shorebreak, a one man World Cup celebration and Gabe, of course, gets the score.
For Medina afficionados, I count myself amongst them, his best heat of the year as far as finding a way to win goes.
Last minute reversals, after forty-five minutes of one surfer leading the other, were the theme of the day. Kelly Slater did not look as sparky and rejuvenated as his round nd one performance, but neither did his opponent and housemate, Leo Fioravanti. Both scrapped around in the straighthanders, Kelly cleaving more closely to the Medina template of catching anything and everything in the hopes something may materialise.
Which it eventually did when he slouched in a hollow cavern with arms clasped behind his back. With the best wave of the heat on ice, Kelly looked set to put the head-to-head match-up back to 2-1. Dogs roamed the beach and a curiously sex-less crowd were silent until with a minute to go Leo “spelunkered” his way through an Hawaiian looking right, stepping off onto the sand and demanding a reaction from the crowd.
That was the heat winner. The camera followed Kelly, cruelly, into the empty locker room.
It did not follow Willian Cardoso who also led all heat and lost to a buzzer beater by Wade Carmichael. He did not appreciate the loss. Did he think the final score awarded to Wade was over-cooked? The double bird he threw at the judges and the board punch-out would suggest, yes.
But we will never know because the camera turned away. Lingering near the cut-off at 19, that result could be the most critical of the Panda’s career on the CT, especially with Yago Dora still alive in the draw.
You could make a case that Dora’s performance was the best of the day and find no argument here. It was loose. Very Psychic Migrations. Big greased alley-oop on a left. Landed and literally stepped off on the sand. Another styled-out reverse on a right where he landed in the sand. It was one of those cartoons where the character gets thrown into the sand and has to be dug out.
He motioned to the judges, “Look, what can I do?”
They were unmoved. Colapinto was not a walkover. He would have won any other heat.
Poor old Pip Toledo. The pre-heat vision of Pip with the black beanie sitting, whatever the opposite of jaunty is, made it look like the heat was over before it began. He looked like a chimney sweep in a Dickens novel, a junkie from Trainspotting, a derelict Justin Beiber.
Why is he competing if the back is buggered? It seems cruel and unusual self-punishment. He lost to Lacomare.
Kolohe surfs on. The round of sixteen match-up with Dora potentially the best of the round. My dark horse pick, Soli Bailey, out again in the round of thirty-two. Seventeenth place, a number he has not been able to best all season.
It’s a cruel business, but he’s doing OK. He wont be driving Ubers to Splendour in the Grass next year. And he wont be the only one rueing French closeouts.
Still, there are always the pleasures of the flesh to compensate. Larkins “quite unloseable game” beckons the single man.
Quiksilver Pro France Round of 16 (Round 4) Match-Ups:
HEAT 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
HEAT 2: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
HEAT 3: Marc Lacomare (FRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
HEAT 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
HEAT 5: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
HEAT 6: Seth Moniz (HAW) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
HEAT 7: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Yago Dora (BRA)
HEAT 8: Michel Bourez (FRA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
Roxy Pro France Quarterfinal Match-Ups:
HEAT 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Malia Manuel (HAW)
HEAT 2: Carissa Moore (HAW) vs. Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA)
HEAT 3: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Johanne Defay (FRA)
HEAT 4: Caroline Marks (USA) vs. Courtney Conlogue (USA)
Quiksilver Pro France Round of 32 (Round 3) Results:
HEAT 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 13.83 DEF. Frederico Morais (PRT) 12.40
HEAT 2: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 8.37 DEF. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 6.07
HEAT 3: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 11.16 DEF. Owen Wright (AUS) 5.30
HEAT 4: Ryan Callinan (AUS) 14.33 DEF. Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 13.00
HEAT 5: Marc Lacomare (FRA) 12.83 DEF. Filipe Toledo (BRA) 12.17
HEAT 6: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.93 DEF. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 9.70
HEAT 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.33 DEF. Jorgann Couzinet (FRA) 6.17
HEAT 8: Jack Freestone (AUS) 8.56 DEF. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 8.33
HEAT 9: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 9.76 DEF. Marco Mignot (FRA) 8.84
HEAT 10: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 8.93 DEF. Conner Coffin (USA) 8.60
HEAT 11: Seth Moniz (HAW) 12.60 DEF. Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 10.77
HEAT 12: Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 12.43 DEF. Kelly Slater (USA) 11.00
HEAT 13: Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.34 DEF. Soli Bailey (AUS) 9.27
HEAT 14: Yago Dora (BRA) 14.50 DEF. Griffin Colapinto (USA) 13.23
HEAT 15: Michel Bourez (FRA) 11.67 DEF. Joan Duru (FRA) 7.56
HEAT 16: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.83 DEF. Jesse Mendes (BRA) 11.77
Someone needs to track down Tyler and find out what’s going on, she would have been a serious contender for the olympics if she hadn’t got the african pox, must be a story there…
Dude, bare fucking basic minimum: it’s Foucault. Foucault. Foucault. Michel Foucault. He taught at UC Berkeley (me included) and spoke English better than you attempt to not use spell-check in French. **Face-palm that should travel from this universe into the next.** Houllebecq sucks shit and I sincerely doubt you’ve ever read one word of his depressive nonsense if you can’t spell Foucault. Flaubert rocks. Boule de Suife, Le Collier…but damn it, why would you shame these poor men in a conversation centered around bad surfing? That’s a legitimate question.
still an incomprehensible old queen.
Love my Houellebecq.
it’s context BB.
Tu ne peux pas lire le français. Done yet, kook?
If it’s context that you access, you spell it right, nimwit.
I studied under F at UCB before he died. I was a teenage prodigy who accessed PhD seminars. He hated women, so I’d wear leather mini-skirts, stilettos and blood-red lipstick to class to shit him. It made him laugh instead because irony rocks and he was nice to me…Ô, there I go fucking name-dropping again. Just don’t misspell his name until you’ve plowed through L’Histoire de la Folie.
Steve, you could have given the girls an honorable mention at least. Best conditions of the day, and some of the best surfing of the day… from Conlogue, at least.
At least, at least, at least. Note to self: Drink more coffee before commenting. Reread your comment before hitting ‘post’.
good god, LT. You know nothing about Foucault. didnt get ‘old’. partied like there was no tomorrow. most accessible of all french theorists, and many from elsewhere. is not a difficult read at all. what you read?. continues to be influential. loved joking about, even in his work despite the serious subject matter -madness, prisons, power – he dealt with. a lover of the highest order and definitely hard surf candy.
History of sexuality. Vol1
I got no love for post-modernists/deconstructionists
Foucault rejected the label of “postmodernist” . Responding to
Kant’s “What is Enlightenment?” Foucault affirms that he is a modernist, and
that modernism is an attitude (not an era) which stands in constant critique
of the assumptions which come from our socio-historical heritage.
yeah, he’s an impenetrable old queen to read though. Yes?
oh hell no. the volume you read syltarts tricky due to its plethora of unfamiliar to us historical references but gets into the groove later. and his other stuff is very readable. he is an historian and it is those examples and references from his part of the world that can deter. but try some of his short essays and lectures. very approachable.
Never travel for beach break.
I have to concur.
Yeah, the Europe leg of the tour needs a point break or reef. Surely the WSL schedulers can
give the competitors and fans something better than two beach breaks, back-to-back, that mostly close out. Brazil’s thumping beach break last couple of years is already doing it better for thrills and throaty tubes.
Unless it’s Puerto, maybe. Or if you’re willing to spend the entire month of October (and maybe half of September, too) in Hossegor or Peniche.
I remember when Gabriel dropped in on Malia Ward and she slapped his nuts and then Charlie collapsed on the beach holding his gonads in sympathy pain. I believe that’s called Couvade syndrome.
Ah right right, makes a lot more sense. I just had in my head it was based on a mid year cut from After Europe. The men’s Aus race between Owen, Julian and Ryan very is close.
We are considering going over if Ryan makes it but it’d be nice to have it settled soon.
Watch out for Wade making a late run ……
Yeah when is the team settled? Based on ratings cut off after this Comp?
The last 16 guys in France are pretty much the top 16. Coincidence? I think not. Bottom 16 got work to do.
Depends how long it’d been since my last wetting.
You know… any port in a storm
Ok so the dislike for Charlie might be more about the whole “parents that need their own life” and Live theirs thru their kids and their sports and successes/failures. It confounds me that folks follow their 20 somethings. The last thing I want is to see my daughters get wasted and a fuck some French tart while I sit in the hotel stressing, wondering if the comps gonna play in the morn. Let the kids go play I say. Spectate for sure, go to a few comps and be supportive but Jesus if my second act is gonna be playing second fiddle to my kids.
he’s the coach, idiot…
who you calling idiot?? you talking to me? are you talking to me?? Ask him a question! Ask him a question!!
ease, tb…
oh.. and jaja.. that is my point. LOL.. Coach.. LOL…
Like boxers and Boston’s, French Bulldogs farts are weapons of mass destruction. A boxer I had years ago could clear a room, leaving all living creatures present fleeing for their lives.
The WSL also congratulated Jordy for qualifying for SA Team spot, which they labeled “provisional”. You know what they mean by that?
I guess it’s provisional in the off-chance someone from south africa jumps out from behind a rock and overtakes him? Idk.
That would be exciting. A part hide pro test. I like it.
Yep sure is Jen.
I’ve watched comparatively little, but the broadcast seems a bit slicker than usual. And it definitely sounds like someone has been listening to the chatter here or elsewhere about pundits voicing opinions instead of sitting on the fence.
Word on the street is Leo’s re-injured his shoulder in a ‘freak accident’ at the house he’s been sharing with Mr Slater. Possibly incurred while dodging meatballs.
I quite enjoy the challenging conditions as it is a holistic test of one’s competencies etc
But you don’t wanna see that shit every day. Hope it improves and also for Peniche too.
I watched a few mins of replays last night. It’s certainly inspirational to those of us who slouch towards the local beachy with forebodings of lacklustre opportunity.
Peniche has been lacking good conditions since that epic year that Adriano won (still Ripcurl the Seach), so don’t expect too much.
something wrong with the sand, or just bad luck?
Holding a contest at Supertubos in October is like holding a contest at Pipe in October, they’re winter birds.
cheers bru
If both surfers were getting 4 tubes a heat and surfers were losing heats with 15+ totals ….. but that ain’t been the case .
Got Charlie M to write a piece for White Horses (fambly issue) about his stepfathering of Gabby. It’s quite sweet.
Own language then translated? That work ok?
Actual translation: “I chase people. In their dreams, in reality. I make gains all the time. This son, I acquire him.”
*Deadpan stare*
haha nah, unless… oh… OH… SHIT!
but nah.
Company I worked for once had the entirely imaginative Tagline of ‘positive impact’
Paid a lot of money to get a Chinese translation, spent a lot of money updating collateral etc. only to realise the literal translation they’d been given was ‘happy bang’
Happy Bang , Happy Ending ….. ?
Haha, the person translating his Portuguese into English could sabotage the translation and make him sound like a total idiot.
And Charlie wouldn’t even know. That would be a good joke to play on him.
Can I read?
It’d be predictable and lame for me to say ‘buy the mag’ – so here’s a wee excerpt that (I reckon) shows some nice self-awareness: “People say I have spent all of my time chasing someone else’s dream. But in reality, I have gained that time. I have gained a son.”
I only know Charlie and I know M. Who’s Charlie M? Is he like the two combined? That should be interesting.
Thing with French beachies is that somewhere within 5km of the contest site there would have been a beach/bank going off. And with that swell/wind somewhere within 50km would have been insane. Maybe the greatest surf country in the world!
LT, didn’t you mean Wordsworth not Wood, expected more from a literary man like you
https://www.poetryfoundatio…
Yup – being immobile misses the whole point of surfing in south west france.
Pip’s back is crooked as a result of his stress. He is a choker.
He tries hard but.
Thats the main thing.
I’d like to choke on his income and lifestyle